fucked up rules of foster care… anyone?

February 18, 2011 at 12:43 am 414 comments

I went to work today which in itself was a miracle, considering I am depressed. But I realize if I lose my job, I lose my apartment.  I have no desire to be homeless again, unless I was dead and then you could throw my ass in the ocean to sink and get eaten by sharks. Also trust me, if I were my boss, by now I would have fired my ass already; based on my difficulty with getting to work, so I needed to get there and show face.

As I entered I noticed there was a new paper hanging on the wall near the entrance.  The paper which was a sign and said RULES AS OF FEBRUARY 2011. Then it listed a bunch of rules, some which were really ridiculous.

As I looked at this sign, my head exploded thinking about all the fucked-up foster care rules that exist…Let me share some of them with you and feel free to comment or share ones that you know or experienced.  Please remember, foster care is STATE-BASED, so states have difference rules….  I am sharing my dumb-ass state rules or those I heard over and over again on the streets from aged-out kids.

Not in any order of importance…

Stupid Rule #1 — 15/22   know what that means?

It did not apply to me, because TPR in my case occurred quickly under what has become known as “aggravated circumstances.”  But this 15/22 means that a kid has to be in foster care for 15 consecutive months out of 22 before TPR proceedings can begin.  So, a kid has to sit in foster care for over a year… while the bioparents could be doing nothing.  15 months is a long time to sit in foster care while the bioparents are not working their case-plan, not doing anything to reunite.  How fair is that to the kid?

Don’t you think if a parent really wants their kid back,

they would be doing something ASAP?

This rule screws the kids.  Makes them sit and wait….and the longer a kid lingers in foster care, the more their chance of getting adopted slips away because they get old and hardened by the system.

I once read that it takes adults 2 years to finish substance abuse treatment and get themselves together.  If that statistic is truthful and  bioparents do not start working on their case plans until 8-9 months, a child could sit for 3 years before getting reunited IF the bios finish treatment.

The rule should be more like “Parents must start working their case plan within 3 months.  If they CHOOSE not to do so, TPR proceedings will begin.” And then some additional words about the number of times bioparents can drop out and come back before TPR happens.  Why should the kids sit and linger when the bioparents are out “playing,” running away, and not taking responsibility?


Stupid Rule #2 —  No haircut.

Are you kidding me?  This is state-based, but where I was in foster care, haircuts had to be approved by the bioparents or workers.

Don’t you think the bioparents have more problems to worry about?

Fucking hair grows back.

I think the system considers it “changing your identity.”  Folks, if my hair was wrapped up in my identity, I would have committed suicide by now, as my hair is always messy.

Kids want to be cool like everyone else.  So if the neighborhood has mohawks, so should the foster kid.  Ever get gum in your hair?  If it is real bad, a haircut would save it.


Stupid Rule #3 — Foster kids sit in the back of the car.

Am I a criminal?  Am I?  I fucking hated everytime I was moved or transported and was “forced” to sit in the back of the county gray or white car, with the BIG state seal on it.  Comon?  I understand the safety of young children, but do you have any idea what it feels like sitting back there scared and ALONE? By the time I was a teen being transported, I felt like a criminal sitting alone in silence in the back.  Put the kids up front with the workers.  And if the kids are too young, bring another worker along to sit in the back, so the kid is not alone.  It’s bad enough feeling all alone and scared, but sitting in the back in silence separated by a big seat makes it all worse.


Stupid Rule #4 — Giving states money for kids that get adopted.

It corrupts the system.  Period.  Give money PER FOSTER CHILD in the system, irregardless of what happens to the child.  All children deserve the best treatment and goals.  Offering money for those adopted encourages the system to focus more strongly on those that are “adoptable” — younger, whiter, no problems, etc.

ALL KIDS should get equal focus.


Stupid Rule #5 — No driving.

In some states, youth in foster care are not allowed to get a driver’ license.  In other states, the decision rests with so many different people;  bioparents (sometimes), foster parents, case managers, or county directors that it takes forever to get a license.

In many cases, foster parents don’t want to sign off  or social workers do not have authority to sign for foster youth or the department won’t authorize a teen to drive.  In any circumstance, there is ALOT of red tape.

Furthermore, to drive, teens need insurance.  If teens are not working, where does the money for insurance come from? — foster parents?  the system?  Ideally stipends should be given to cover the increase in foster parent insurance rates.  Makes sense…huh?

I left care at 18 with NO license and did not get one until a couple years later, when I decided to get off living on the streets. I learned to drive from a fucking pothead!  If you expect us to be adults at 18, doesn’t one of those privileges include driving?


Stupid Rule #6 — Some states do not allow single people, gay people, or those cohabiting to foster.

WTF?  So, it is much better for kids to linger in group homes or hotels or shelters than in a foster home, because a potential foster parent is single or gay?  Who the hell thought of this?  Why?  I would have been happy in any stable home, with someone who cared about me… Kids are looking for caring and understanding and love…and don’t usually care who is sleeping with who, as long as they (the kids) are not in danger.   Additionally, don’t you think in some situations, these individuals might be ideal for children; for example, those children that have been abused by men or those children that may be gay/lesbian.  Why are we excluding people?  Why?

I just wanted a family…SOMEONE to love me.

I believe  states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage.  So, like you can’t live with your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend and foster.  Um, really?  I bet you a million bucks that  foster kids have seen and experienced a hell of alot worse than “people living in sin.”  And again, is living in a group home or shelter or worse so much better for our psyche….


Stupid Rule #7 — Foster parents can’t have pets.

OMG.  Yes, this is true.  No dogs.  No cats.  No pets.  While it is possible that some (not the majority) of foster children are cruel to animals, the truth is that animals can provide ALOT of healing and connection for a child who is alone and scared.

The “liability” regarding injury is ridiculous… bike riding, playing ball, climbing a jungle gym or swinging….all have “liability.”


Stupid Rule #8 — No trampolines.

I personally have never been on one, but I heard this on the streets from kids who were in foster care in the south, where I guess trampolines are *in*.  Apparently even with the safety net, trampolines are not allowed.  LOL, because I really don’t know what they are..  I knew one kid on the streets who was foster care in Texas who said they could have trampolines, but they were prohibited from doing somersaults — he said WTF, that is what kids do…..  I’m from the city..we don’t have these things where I am from…


Stupid Rule #9 — Required “case-loads” workers should have.

You read statistics that say caseworkers should only have 12 kids or 16 kids, but they have 25 kids or 32 kids.  CRAP!  Remove the numbers and focus on the kids. Most caseworkers can’t do a good job with alot of kids.  Period.  I’m stupid and I know this.  Reduce the number and stop making rules about how many kids a worker should have.  Some of the things number  should depend on is:  age of kids, long-term kids vs. reunification kids, kids with problems vs. kids without.

How can you make a rule like this?  Stupid.  Some kids simply need more attention.   Fuck, it should be about the kids, not numbers.  Hire more workers with all the dam money you are getting for getting kids adopted!


Stupid Rule #10 —  Access to foster care records.


Under social service laws, my records are considered confidential. That is years of my life that I should get to keep for memories, to help piece my life together, or to fucking burn IF I WANT. In many states the records are confidential.  Some states allow access, but it takes years.

How fucked up is it that I have to petition a court who 99.99% of the time DENIES the requests for records.




With all the stupid rules that exist in foster care

you would think it would run like clockwork.



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Foster kids and food… It sure can be a fucked-up relationship. Foster kids don’t belong in glorified fucking taxis

414 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Crumble  |  February 18, 2011 at 2:30 am

    I really like the first point you made. Kids ‘sit’ in the system for way too long. WAY too long. I like the idea of the parent having to start on the case plan in the first three months, and then having limits on how often the parent can go MIA before the child is permanently removed from their care. I understand your frustration with the hair cutting thing – but where I live it was necassary to put a ‘rule’ in place because in local Native American culture the hair is never to be cut, but foster parents were cutting the children’s hair regardless of cultural values. Some foster parents do it with the best intentions, but it was seen as the ‘white man’ trying to assimulate the Native.

    Did you know a lot of women get hair cuts after they break up with someone, as a way of moving on? I know some foster children that felt ‘cleansed’ after they had a hair cut – like it gave them a new identity somehow.

    I hope that one day real social reform takes place. Thanks for your insights.

    • 2. chelsie  |  October 6, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      Reading all of this just made me sick. Literally. my boyfriend was just placed in foster care and I don’t even have anyway of talking to him whatsoever ! The way they treat kids is totally unfair in everyway. Its like they are punishing the kids. They get cut off from everyone and aren’t even allowed to talk to their friends or loved ones. I just do not see how that is right. Somebody needs to put a stop to this.

      • 3. Jackhammer  |  December 11, 2012 at 10:53 pm

        I agree, they are comepletely running the relationship I have with my girlfriend. They tell her she can hardly do anything until she is 21. Fucking 21! She has a perfect home with me, but no, they’ll questoin why she wants to go with me. I want to do something to. They treat these kids like they are criminals. I hate the word “Ward”, becasue to the states that means nuisance, that means unwanted and pushed to the side. My girlfriend is severly depressed and I’m the only person in this world whoi truly makes her happy, and yet they keep her in a system where she is constantly reminded of her past and her mistakes. She has a chance to go where she will be loved and feel at home, but since the state doesn’t care, she’ll be stuck until she graduates and probably until we’re done with college. It might even mess us our plans to get married, it’s total bullshit.

        • 4. Alex  |  January 7, 2015 at 1:34 pm

          I have the same problem even in Canada my girlfriend is 20 and started collage but they pulled her out when her adopt parents said they wanted nothing to do with her, before she was pulled her out they put her roommate incharge of her and then was trying to push me out of the picture, After that she was deemed unfit and was taken back to Toronto where all her problems started, it has been almost 3 months and now are telling her she will never be able to live on her own

        • 5. Chloe  |  February 28, 2016 at 2:42 am

          Dude, I preach to this. As my gf and I are going through the SAME EXACT THING! I’m 17 and go to community college, but she is 16 and still a junior in HS. She’s extremely depressed and has self harm history from 7th grade. And ironically, she was put in the system at the end of her 6th grade year of school, so surprise… I’m doing what I can to help, but it’s hard when I’m not even allowed to see for more than 23 hours at a time. My father and I have tried several different ways to have her come and live with us. He’s even tried becoming a foster parent so that she can stay in the system and live with me at the same time… but they’d rather make her life more miserable by keeping her in her foster home she’s in now, so that they can get more $$$. She hates it there and she has no freedom at all! She’s not even allowed to leave the COUNTY WITHOUT BEING ESCORTED by her social worker. Not to mention that her foster parents are assholes. The mom is verbally assaultive and her foster dad is really creepy. He looks like a child molester and has a heroin history. I don’t know how the hell they even have licences to have foster kids. It’s sad… And we have to wait at least another 2.5 years just to get her outta there, but wet can’t take another minute. I’m feeling for you dude, just hang in there. ❤

    • 6. aurora belladonna zimmer  |  December 3, 2014 at 10:52 am

      hey i am in dhs right now and they do nothing but make money off of me ive been in cudtody for 11 years they tpr my mom .. im in jdc right now because i runnaway alot im tired of the bullshit i wish my pain will stop but i know it wont . ive through hell and back i have nobody at all . tbh i will rather be back on the streeets than sit here and be in dhs . i am nothing but money and im tired of beng used .

      • 7. Shaye  |  January 12, 2015 at 3:20 am

        Not all kids are used as money just because they are in the system. I love my foster daughter with all my heart, I would do anything for her. Quite frankly I could give a shit less if I receive any the money or not. I make sufficient income to support us so I am not worried about the entitlements. It saddens me that you claim you have no one. It is unfortunate that the families you have had have not satisfied your needs/wants. Keep your head up.

      • 8. Lisa  |  November 3, 2015 at 6:03 pm

        I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I was in foster care for a couple of years when I was younger, I was very lucky in the fact that I had an amazing foster family. But nothing beat going home to my bio mom. I know that many of the kids feel the way you do now a days about being in the system. There are still good families out there that want to offer kids a home until things get straightened out at home. Not all of them want to do it for the money. Please don’t think it is better on the streets, it is so dangerous out there. Please keep your head up and stay strong.

        • 9. aurora  |  January 12, 2016 at 1:08 pm

          Well I was sent to my real mom in July last year and turns out she’s an acholic and surrounds me with meth I tired it and loved it and did it again and again it made me happy but i knew that I shouldn’t do it so I did the only thing I know to do and that’s run away of course when they caught me they sent me back to her and I did good for like a month but her drinking worsend she was very aggressive ….she quit her job for no reason so I dropped out of school so I can try and help her ..but it hurt because he treated me like I was nothing calling Me a dumb uneducated whore it hurt so bad because the only thing I ever wanted from her was for her to be my mom
          ……I chooses to do meth again and she made it clear to me that she don’t want me to be apart of her life she told me either I get out or go back in the system I’ve been gone sent then

      • 10. Ms. Jeanie  |  November 22, 2015 at 8:47 pm

        My Dearest Aurora
        I am so sorry for your situation. I hope and pray that your situation got better. My husband and I was looking on the internet about fostering a child. We are in our 50’s and 60’s. (But we still have some life in us). lol. I will keep you in my prayers my young friend. Please don’t ever give up. Things could get better.

        A concern reader

        • 11. aurora  |  January 12, 2016 at 1:14 pm

          Thanks I’m not going to give up… I have no fight left in me I’m just holding on to god or something in that matter

          • 12. norma  |  January 22, 2016 at 11:32 pm

            I live in iowa. But i would gave you a good loving home and not take There money .i think all children should have a loving home

      • 13. Morena  |  December 30, 2015 at 8:11 pm

        Keep your head up,um sorry you feel this way,I wish I could be a foster parent but I don’t make enough money,I don’t qualify, I have a big heart and would loved helpand give love to a child in need..system is just not fair.

    • 14. Settoria Williams  |  March 2, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      Hair is a very private and sometimes cultural issue. A white man or woman may look at this as unimportant, but some cultures its a large part of identity…

  • 15. LK  |  February 18, 2011 at 7:39 am


    There are some very good reasons for some of the rules. It’s not as simple as saying, “if the parents want the kid back they’d be doing everything ASAP.” IN many cases they do, and the workers are just hell bent on terminating their rights anyway. And while in your case removal was justified, in many cases it is not. In many more cases the workers lie about the parents, they lie to the kids and they lie to the foster parents.

    In my case, my wife was put through a psychological beat-down by a sadistic worker who got off on the power trip. She did everything that she was supposed to do, and even did more on her own. Now that we have a relationship with her son many years later, we found out all those years he was told that she wanted nothing to do with him. That wasn’t true for a single moment.

    Re: Haircut. I know of a case where a Muslim woman lost her daughter. The foster mother took the kid in for a hair cut. That violated her religion.

    Re: Records. If they handed all the records to all the kids, there would be so many lawsuits against them that they would no longer be able to sustain the beast.

    • 16. Crumble  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:41 pm


      While I am sorry that you had a negative experience in the system, I do not think that Case Workers, for the most part, try to terminate rights right away. There has to be significant cause. It is funny, because almost ALL of the parents I worked with said that they did not do anything wrong, and that “it is all lies” – even if the parent was caught red-handed in an act! The denial is surreal.

      It is possible that the Case Worker had a vendetta against your wife – but often the Case Workers change so frequently that even if one worker has a personal interest in terminating your wife’s rights, it is unlikely that it would have carried through the chain unnoticed. Moreover, a judge, who hears both sides, granted the termination of rights… So…

      The system actually favors returning children to their families of origin. If this did not happen in your wife’s case, it is probably because there were several outstanding issues. Several. I have seen more children returned to scary homes than I have seen children not returned to parents who would provide an ‘acceptable’ home. And I use the word ‘acceptable’ lightly.

      Again, I am not saying it doesn’t happen – Lord knows it does. But it is a very rare case. I am sorry if this situation was one of the very few in this category. But by and large, the biological parents rights outweigh the needs/best interests of the child.

      I am glad that you now have a relationship with her son.

      (I also totally acknowledge that the system is no place for a child – so it is horrible that the child had to go into care.)

      • 17. LK  |  February 18, 2011 at 2:47 pm


        I understand that you find the reality of the system hard to believe, but that which the nice social workers tell you in foster parent training is not always the case. There are good caseworkers and there are bad caseworkers. I’ve worked with both. There are good foster parents and bad foster parents, I’ve seen both, but according to them they’re all good. So whose to believe anything in such a system based on lies and misinformation.

        And what makes you think that these people are doing a good job with the kids anyway?

        • 18. Dianna  |  September 17, 2013 at 1:57 pm

          What bothers me is that the kids don’t have a say. Where are their voices? Why does anyone need to be their voice if they are old enough to make complete sentences they are old enough to speak for themselves. Maybe they don’t want to live with their bioparents, maybe they don’t want to live in foster care. Maybe they do. Doesn’t anybody ask the kids what they want? Why aren’t people working in their favor instead of creating dictatorship and thereby hindering the growth of the kids who are subjected to “tough circumstances” even further? There is one bottom line point in this blog that really got to me and I related with… they just wanted to be wanted, to be loved. If there isn’t anyone available to do the job then give the kid the ability, the power to love themselves by giving them the freedom, the tools (classes) and the chance to grown on their own. Some kids believe it or not, do not need parents. All they need is guidance ie. teachers and social contacts and outlets. Some kids find parentals and guardians obstacles rather than the helping hands they were suppose to be. Empower the kids.

      • 20. samantha  |  February 22, 2015 at 1:45 pm

        I’ve completed my isp and yet the supervisor is Hell bent on tpr’ing my rights to my daughter she has been in the system for 2 years and 8 months and I have busted my butt to do everything the state of Oklahoma wants and then some

        • 21. Christian  |  May 9, 2015 at 10:40 pm

          I’m going through the same thing here in Oklahoma

      • 22. Cynthia robinson  |  September 29, 2015 at 2:51 pm

        Hi my name is Cynthia Robinson I had my kids taken from me first 2 was taken for medical neglect I fought for 3 years the judge took my rights to them I had another child that taken for dependency they are not letting me see my son it’s been a 2year’s I love my children verry much I want my children back so much social workers are just out to take children that have happy homes in dyed of children who really do need the help so as far as I’m concred my law suite will be conning and I’m not going to quit in till my kids are home and the 7 years the took from me well I want their dame jobs my Social Workers don’t even know how to raise a kid they never had kids

      • 23. aurora  |  January 12, 2016 at 1:10 pm

        I just Dont understand why I had to be pubsished for my so called parents mistakes and also how come we go from being a child with a rough life to a property with a number

  • 24. CherubMamma  |  February 18, 2011 at 8:23 am

    Oh I agree I agree! There are so many messed up rules!!

    Where I live I’m most upset by the background checks that are required by EVERYONE! Granted – I get it! Background checks are necessary for foster families. They are very, very important. However, foster kids, neighborhood kids and more have to submit to background checks if they hang around at my house and are over the age of 14. Foster kids should be allowed to act like regular kids and shouldn’t have to tell someone, “I’m sorry. You can’t come over to my house until you’ve passed a background check. I go to school with you every day and you’re my best friend – but I’ve got to make sure my agency likes you too.”

    Anyone over 18 has to go through full FBI fingerprints if they want to stay overnight at my house. That means if my parents want to drive down the 1200 miles to visit me for a week, they have to fill out paperwork like they are moving in. No provisions if my sister just happens to be free and wants to tag along. No, she would have to stay at a hotel.

    Then, once in my house I’m not allowed to treat a foster kid like a regular kid. If a foster kid spends a lot of time over at a next door neighbor’s house, I’m supposed to ask that friend’s family if they will subject themselves to a background check. This is so subjective. What is a “lot of time”? It’s all up to the agency. But it just does more to make the foster kids like prisoners and the foster parents like jailers that no one trusts.

    I get that these rules were put into place because some stupid foster parents did some really horrible things. But it punishes everyone. The system is very broken.

    • 25. Sherrie VanSickle  |  January 5, 2017 at 11:13 pm

      Bruce Raymond Fisher if you are 23 from Iowa your cousin Sherrie. Aunt Gladys and Uncle Butch loves you. Please call if you know or are Bruce Fisher, july 21, 1993. Miss you for 15 plus years. Found Caleb…. please contact.

  • 26. butterflysblog  |  February 18, 2011 at 8:44 am

    Sweet LT – wow, these rules really are ridiculous. Especially your records!! WTF??? You’re not allowed your own records of your own fucking life??? That is such a self-serving rule for the state. Sweetie – I think you will need to get your law degree and fight this one personally, for yourself and all the other foster kids. Or, hire a lawyer, pro bono, (that means they will take your case for free), and fight this. Something to think about.

    • 27. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 10:46 am

      It’s because the foster child’s record is tied to confidential information on other people, such as the parent’s psychological evaluation, drug screen results, criminal background checks, the CPS report that opened the investigation (which includes info on more than just the child such as info on the reporter), etc. In my state the record can be released but only after ALL of this confidential information is redacted which can take days depending on the size of the file. Plus there is the cost of copying the information (paper isn’t free). There is also the issue that a report from a 3rd party (i.e. psychologist, physician, etc.) is not allowed to be copied and given to another. HIPPA laws are a beast. Honestly, having worked in child welfare for 5+ years, I have seen several times that the information in the record is not only not helpful (a lot of it is government red tape and required forms) it’s actually harmful as it’s information the youth or young adult is really not ready, psychologically, hear.

      • 28. Travis Mckee  |  September 29, 2013 at 4:59 am

        I was in foster care when I was six and my record was sealed when my parents rights were terminated. Now I am almost eighteen and my old case worker said that I am not allowed to see MY record I don’t see how that is fair. I know a lot of what was in my red folder that my foster family got when I was put in their home because they read parts of it to me. When they did read it to me I was too young to understand any of it but now that I am almost an adult I would understand it. I think that that this is retarded, I mean what is in there that they are afraid of me seeing. I think that they don’t give the children their records because of the info inside the record will hinder them in some way.

      • 29. Angel  |  November 6, 2015 at 1:08 pm


  • 30. michelle v  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:39 am

    all of your points were well made 🙂
    you would make the best advocate/lobbiest

    have a fab time back at work

    ♥ michelle

    • 31. faith  |  October 17, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      yes the same with me and im in foster care right now actually and they did the same to me

      • 32. aurora  |  January 12, 2016 at 1:16 pm

        I got kicked out of dhs

  • 33. The Sleeper  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:44 am

    Some of those I never heard of. Some of them are ridiculous. Some of them are about safety. They all are about protecting the backside of the “system.”

    • 34. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 11:03 am

      It’s about lawsuits. Parents are angry which means they want to get back at the state system that took their child(ren). Everyone wants to get paid. Which only means that anything that goes wrong the parents want to try to sue. When the state gets sued, EVREYONE pays the price. The “fucked up rules of foster care” are in place to keep children safe and to help prevent parents from being able to sue. The writer of this blog has a good point in that there are a lot of rules and some of them are crazy. But just like the warning labels on products, they are there for a reason, i.e. some dumb ass tried to use the product in a really stupid way. The state is not out to make foster children’s lives miserable (and I completely agree that it’s not ideal). If you want the rules to be relaxed for foster children, advocate for parents to not be allowed to sue the state because that’s why those “fucked up” rules are now in place.

      And by the way everyone, we don’t take children from their family and home for no reason. We don’t keep them from reuniting with their families for no reason either. It is a very happy day for everyone when we can return children home and feel sure they will remain safe.

      • 35. Candace  |  April 30, 2014 at 9:11 am

        ‘And by the way everyone, we don’t take children from their family and home for no reason. We don’t keep them from reuniting with their families for no reason either.’

        That is hilarious.

        Did you know … poverty is a crime? Filing a suit against your landlord for failure to maintain the apartment can result in a state case on you? If you are the wrong race or sexual orientation, or a single parent… your attempt to have your landlord fix a leak, building infestation, broken anything can open an entire case about you?

        Termites are an acceptable white person problem, but cockroaches are an immoral non-white indicator of need to take your children.

        By the time you are vindicated, you are so broke you cannot even finish the suit against your landlord…

        Or afford the move. Bye bye to the new apartment. Maybe next year. But hey, now you’re so broke you qualify for Food Stamps and state daycare vouchers!

        Oh, and your reputation is ruined after the interviews with the neighbors, doctors, family, teachers.

        If I could have a do-over, I’d come back white.

        • 36. steve  |  August 11, 2015 at 2:49 pm

          glad to see this is a funny issue. and the rest is all because of the system wanting to take your kids so they try to destroy your reputation and build a case against you.

      • 37. Ben Jen  |  February 18, 2015 at 1:15 pm

        Hi… maybe you can help me with a problem. My grandchild has been taken by CPS and brought into my home. I have had her for over a month now. I see now, I want to return the child because Iam having a lot of my own personal problems… She is 5 years old. What can I do?

        • 38. alissa  |  March 9, 2015 at 12:37 am

          You sound horrible….that’s your flesh and blood and after reading this you want to hand her over to foster care…..

          • 39. Christian  |  May 9, 2015 at 10:52 pm

            I agree that’s your grandchild. How could you give up on your flesh & blood. She would go into foster care with people she Dont know & could be adopted out & gone from your life forever. But it seems that doesn’t really matter to you. My own mother gave up my son while I was working to get him back now he’s in a foster home where the family has a lawyer now trying to adopt him. Its horrible, I’m doing everything DHS tell me but yet I’ve gotten no where.

        • 40. cindy  |  March 10, 2015 at 5:50 pm

          I am the grandmother to 5 beautiful children who were taken from my house (I had them because their dad, separated from mom, couldn’t find mom). Prior to coming home to take care of them due to the above situation, I had been taking care of my 88 year old mother who could not walk and none of my sisters could help out. So, it was very difficult being a caregiver, although, I have to say I would do it again, if necessary. I could not neglect my mother. As it turns out my daughter was drunk and apparently told where the children were and, although, I have always taken care of my daughter and my grandchildren, when she drinks she gets mad at me (I have always been very stern about her doing anything that would hinder her ability to take care of her children). So, I guess she said things about me. When cps showed up at my house to get the kids (which I had no knowledge about)? I looked awful since I hadn’t had a chance to take care of myself. I mean my hair was way overdue for cut and color, I have dentures that don’t fit anymore, so the cps workers said I slurred my words? I don’t drink, smoke or take any drugs. I do have prescribed medications that I take. I lost my husband and then my son and started taking anti-depressents after the death of my son. I have always provided for my grandchildren (more than either of their parents) clothing, necessities, Christmas, etc., and had no problem doing it. I love those children with all my heart and they know it. I had death and then they came and brought life. The children know how much they are loved and wanted and don’t understand why they can’t stay with me (neither do I)? The kids told workers, they have family. My mom just passed so I am doing everything I can to get children back. I did file a petition with the court when all this first happened and they did background/drug check on me which were fine (there was nothing to find). My biggest problem at the time was trying to take care of my mother and with my daughter receiving help thought she would get the children back (when not drinking she is an excellent mom). I can’t understand her addiction, however, the kids can’t be punished for it and that’s what is happening. I have never seen such difficult, mean, unprofessional people as I have seen associated with cps, dss, even the attorney for the kids and my daughter? Right now workers are claiming I have removed my petition for kids (that is not true), Anyway, sorry to ramble on and on. I need professional help and if there is anyone out there that reads this and can help, please, please help. I started this in reference to grandmother above who doesn’t want her child and then got carried away. I’d give anything in the world to have all of mine home and can’t begin to comprehend how she or anybody would not want their family. It’s very selfish. My grandchildren are my joy. Also, need to mention when cps took children from my home they didn’t talk to me prior to taking them or see what condition I was in. They only said I looked messy and my speech was slurred? If they had understood that I just came from 7 days of taking care of my mom and the only reason I got to come home (one of my sister’s was forced to take care of my mom) was because no one could find the kids mother, so no I hadn’t had a chance to bath, wash my hair and having dentures that don’t fit do make me slur my words, but my grandchildren were taken care of, they never went without food, clean clothes, baths, even though their were 5 of them ages 11 to 6 and I would lay down my life for anyone of them. All of this is so unfair and I am so sorry to hear the stories on here about how these children have been treated. I sincerely believe their needs to be a MAJOR investigation into the dss, cps and foster care services. We pay money to save the whales and every other program out there? Why isn’t something being done to correct this? The social workers that we’ve had to deal with act as if they don’t have anyone that oversees their work? There doesn’t even seem to be anyone to complain to? I tried that from the very beginning found the name of the director sent her a letter explaining how no one spoke to me, no one knew what I had been through, etc. and her response I’ll forward the letter to the two case workers (who are just hateful and difficult for no reason) who were handling the case and she was sorry that the children and I were having a difficult time, but my daughter was getting the much needed help she hadn’t had. I did everything to help my daughter get treatment and help but heard “I’m doing that mom” and between taking care of my mom, rescuing the kids when necessary and trying to get my daughter help, no one seemed to understand or like I said even ask. Regardless, my pain, my daughters shouldn’t have been the main focus? I thought it was supposed the be what was best for the children? Needless to say letter got me no where. I am 61 years old and have been a professional most of my life and NEVER have I ever encountered an organization that’s run like this, just do whatever they want? Angry, upset, sad and overwhelmed grandmother who could use any positive advice/direction possible.

        • 42. steve  |  August 11, 2015 at 2:55 pm

          ask god for forgiveness. she is your grandchild help her.

          • 43. steve  |  August 11, 2015 at 3:07 pm

            cindy, this was written for ben jen.. I hit the wrong reply. I don’t know how to edit my text.

        • 44. steve  |  August 11, 2015 at 3:12 pm

          ask god for forgiveness, she is your grand child and you will have to face her one day and explain why you did not help your own flesh and blood.

          • 45. steve  |  August 11, 2015 at 3:24 pm

            my replys are going to cindy and there not ment to. sorry.

        • 46. Celeste  |  August 25, 2015 at 1:04 am

          Flesh and blood?? Come on people. Why don’t you pull out your crosses and crucify her at this rate.

          The fact is that every child deserves a family that is heathy enough to take care of and love them. If a grandmother can’t do it she doesn’t and shouldn’t have to.

          The child is 5 and stands a good chance of being adopted into a healthy and loving home.

          I am a foster parent. I have a child that is a family member. I wasn’t required to take in that child. I was willing, able and committed.

          Grandma, talk with your social worker. If it’s too much… It’s ok. Children are resilient.

          If your grandchild has the chance at a better life and you have the same chance than you should take it.

          • 47. judithjackson jackson  |  March 22, 2016 at 5:43 pm

            that’s where your wrong, but promise from 3 on children remember everything,maybe not in detail but they do not forget. and no child needs to be taken from their parents,i don’t care what!i have lived it until you have walked in that child’s shoes you have no opinion, money is the root of all evil and when Reagan passed the act to issue all children that put a 10,000 dollar reward on their head to be adopted out the numbers have climbed in adopted out foster children and special pay for all foster parents if the child has ADHD and any special needs some get up to $950 a month until they are 18 and sometimes longer if needed, its time to stop this,a senator tried to stop this awful act and all of sudden she and her husband were shot at gun point right in the head,case never solved,my point is this if those children can be kept in the family they should stay in family,take the words of that child that has started this forum he would better than anyone.

    • 48. Michael Zaldivar  |  September 30, 2013 at 4:23 am

      You mean the “CORRUPT” side of the system?

    • 49. Theresa Roberson  |  May 22, 2016 at 7:12 pm

      i dont know about the other cases you have had, i do know that dhr took my grandson on lies and dhr never investigated the allegations that was made by his mom, she was mad because i didnt leave him in an institution so she could get a check on him because he has adhd. i am the one that has custody of him. so being she was mad she called dhr and told them i beat him that baby didn’t know about abuise until he was put in foster care, and i have the photos to prove what i am saying. and yes all this world is is about money, if not money that gets the children back the drugs do, being i dont have eather one that are now trying to take the 1 hour a week visits away. we have been doing this for a little over a year, and i have been trying to get him help to at least get him out of the home where he is getting beat. and i cant get any help for this baby at all. no our children dont have a voice and AS LONG AS WE HAVE CASE WORKERS LIKE THE ONES THAT IS ON OUR CASE THESE CHILDREN WILL NEVER HAVE A VOICE

  • 51. caroline  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:48 am

    I have a feeling that before #2 was a rule, a lot of foster kids were getting all their hair lopped off just for the ease of care by the foster parents.

    My daughter had hair half way down her back and it was infested with lice when she came to live with me. Her first weeks with me were spent struggling with her to sit down for hours long nit-picking sessions. Believe me, I was tempted to get it all cut off but knew it would be traumatic for her. Perhaps many other fosters would not have been so patient, and therefore that rule was to protect the children.

    I am sure that #7 has deterred a lot of good people from fostering. Most nurturing, caring people out there have pets, and as you mention, the pets can be a life saver for kids. I had my dog when my daughter came to live with me and when they bonded it added tremendously to her feeling of being “at home” here.

    • 52. mayraa  |  November 8, 2011 at 12:19 pm

      When i was in foster care a few years ago my hair was extremely long . To my back actually . My foster mom my did everything she could before sending me to cut my hair on my weekly visit with my mommy. Eventually the pests went away. She never asked if i wanted to though . i understand though that she did not want her own son or daughters to get infected but well .. i had a lot.

    • 53. Sheri  |  September 27, 2012 at 2:13 pm

      In Michigan you are allowed to have pets. ??? so I don’t know where they say you can’t. In Michigan they just have to be up with all of their shots and have their license.

  • 54. attachment parent  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:02 am

    That is a tremendous asset. You will get through many trials and tirbulations if you can force yourself to do what you have to do.

    Foster parent rules are STUPID STUPID STUPID. here is one of the stupidist: foster kids have to have permission to spend the night out of the house and the home where they stay has to have a background check.


    Hi, little kamya wants to spend the night. Please get a background check for me, will ya?

    Hang in there LT. You are really smart and I hope being a grown up works better for you than being a kid did.

  • 55. Kerryjo  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:06 am

    How about no sleep-overs????

    I hate that one the most. Do you know how many school age foster kids I have had that have been unable to do the sleep-over birthday party with thier friends!! I have to get bio-parent written permission or approval from the case manager.

    • 56. h  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:48 pm

      ditto, ditto, ditto!

    • 57. Lisa McKeithan  |  July 24, 2013 at 4:33 pm

      Which is so stupid, if they have lost custody of their child, then I don’t think they should have any input in their care now. If they didn’t care enough to keep their children in the first place, then the ones caring for the child now should be the main decision makers. I would not let my foster child do nothing I wouldn’t have let my won children do and they all have turned out fine with good educations, good jobs, and plenty of respect.

      • 58. momof6  |  February 10, 2014 at 10:28 am

        Just because a kid was took doesnt mean the parent/parents didnt care. My kids were took because when my first was born they got a call saying I had no milk in my fridge. They came a checked. I had milk. A week later they came and took my son. After that they took my kids for reasons that were stupid. I wany my kids but now the only one able to come home is my 2 month old. If that even happens. But just because their there doesnt mean I didnt love them or want them. I love them more thsn most parents do and I miss them everyday.
        Do you realize how hard it is on some. Im depressed I cant look at their pictures and I write them everyday. I dont have anything left of my kids but pictures. And my dayghters room is waiting for her. Shes never been in her bed but I keep thinking she should be home and in her bed.

        But its not always the case of not wanting them. Its mostly because the workers get paid by tbe cases they gget and they go for the ones who have a bad background or a history. They do it so they can get
        Paid. I have a friend who works in a office as a worker. Just not in this city.

      • 59. samantha  |  February 22, 2015 at 1:56 pm

        To even state that we as bio parents don’t want our children is really crappy of you and furthermore my child was taken from me because I reported a molestation against her by another child so please dont place all bio parents together

  • 60. zero21764  |  February 18, 2011 at 11:16 am

    In MI we really didnt have many rules other then if you ran away in a 10 day period you would be living in a locked residential. I knew I had no other place to go so that was out of the option. Other then that it was pretty much living with another family, live by there rules cause its there roof. What state is this??

  • 61. tikunolam  |  February 18, 2011 at 12:18 pm

    We have a giant trampoline. Our little one loves it. Glad its been allowed.
    We also have a cat. Thank goodness our state allows this as long as there is yearly proof of vaccinations.
    My little one had a haircut. The damaged, matted from not being washed hair had to be trimmed off. I didn’t ask permission. Sue me.
    15/22 is especially problematic for the under 3 crowd which is why some states, like Mississippi, has a 6 month rule for that age group.Unfortunately, we are stuck with needing to wait for our little girl to have been abandoned for 8 more months, you know, just to be sure the first 7 months mom’s been gone wasn’t a clear indicator of her complete lack of commitment to her baby who wouldn’t even know her anymore.

  • 62. Laurke  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    I hear you. Several of those rules don’t apply in my state, but some do, and I agree that they aren’t the well-though-out rules.

  • 63. h  |  February 18, 2011 at 1:47 pm

    Like many people have said the worst is the constant having the county sign off on friends etc…but I have great news about my county. They are finally allowing the FP’s to be prudent parents. I can decide to let the kid have free time and come home after school instead of sticking him in programs all the time so he has no me time, we can say yes to friend visits and dating without the county signing off. Also they are letting us keep some things unlock like shampoo/detergent – so the teens can actually learn how to do their own laundry before they age out! Here we are supposed to get them drivers licenses although there is no insurance for them so its up to the FP’s to make the decision to add them to their insurance policy. That sucks b/c the state does have low income policies and they should expand those to FC’s.

    Hair cut is stupid – its a control thing with bio parents and they need to stop catering to them.

    Records is huge because everybody can hide behind confidentiality and there is no accountability.

    15/22 – if they would only stick with it and not keep extending it for bios or offering guardianship where bios can continue to manipulate … I swear we treat our animals better. No one beats a dog and then gets the dog back – WHY IS IT SO MANY TIMES BIOS ARE NEVER PROSECUTED FOR THE ABUSE?

    Required case loads – private agencies in my state cant have more than 12 although the county worker has more like 80.

    Another big one you missed is changing it so that the FP’s who know the most about their FC’s actually have a voice. We are not allowed in court where I am. We send notes/forms to our the agency SW, who then sends a report to the county sw, the gal and therapists will write one, and then the judge makes the decision. The judge who has spent no time with the child…its all backwards that the more you know about a kid the less you have a say in what happens to the kid.

    6,7,8 are just dumb rules…that block many people from fostering. Along those lines increase the stipend I know so many states pay jack, yes I agree Fp’s should prove that they spend it on the kid, but many people cant afford to foster in some states that pay so low and also will not cover daycare expenses. If you are an FC then your daycare should be covered to any state licensed daycare.

    • 64. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:45 am

      Totally agree, especially about the FPs having the least say. The others involved make decisions, without FP input, and then tell you what’s happening.

  • 65. Grace  |  February 18, 2011 at 9:51 pm

    LT- I love reading your blog.

    Thank you for all of your fix the system entries as well as the personal entries.

    Once I am financially stable & finished with school, I’m planning on being a foster and/or adoptive parent. I will hold onto everything of yours that I’ve read and hopefully it will help me to be a better parent.

    Also, thanks to you (I had never heard of the position before), I just filled out an application to be a CASA. I can’t wait to start!!

    How are things going with KC?

    Thank you for sharing with us.

    Lots of love from NYC<3

  • 66. Erin  |  February 18, 2011 at 10:02 pm

    Those rules are definitely dumb. Kind of like the tag that came on my sister-in-law’s baby stroller: “do not close stroller with child inside.” Seriously? Who does these things? Sigh.

    I’m glad you made it back to work. Hope you’re starting to feel better. Hugs!

  • 67. Ebony Downing  |  February 19, 2011 at 2:43 pm

    I’ve always wondered what was in my records, which stopped me from getting adopted. You just gave me something to start working on. I’m going to search more into it. I’ll spread the love as time goes on. Thanks.
    I’ll like to add Rule #12:
    You can go anywhere, and do anything you want, just as long as you report back after 48 hours or you will be considered AWOL and if that happens we don’t get paid for you, unless you sleep in the bed.
    Rule #13
    You only get $20 dollars a month for personnel hygiene. So you need to make the best with it. (You better have good hair, or know how to do hair)

  • 68. idontwanttomiss  |  February 27, 2011 at 9:13 pm

    LT –

    I’ve read many of your blogs. I absolutely am impressed by your honesty and courage. As a social worker / therapist so often I meet young adults who stop voicing what they are going through – their thoughts, challenges, and dreams. Your writing is great reminder of so much that is wrong in “the system” of foster care and child protection…. yet is also a challenge of what needs to change. You have a strong voice that I hope you continue using. I’m new to blogging but glad that I came upon yours.

  • 69. Arkansas  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:34 pm

    “I believe states, like Arkansas and Utah, don’t allow people to foster if they are cohabiting with a sexual partner outside marriage.”

    I don’t know about Utah, but you are correct about Arkansas. I agree 100% with what you have to say about this. It is embarrassing to say I live in a state that voted this in. However, I believe the state Supreme Court is in the process of over-turning it as unconstitutional to have ever been on the ballot in the first place.

    • 70. Arkansas  |  June 6, 2011 at 5:40 pm

      oh, and YOU ARE NOT STUPID! Formal education or not, you are an excellent writer, as evidenced by your blog following! Keep growing and healing. You are loved and you are capable of great things.

      • 71. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:47 am


  • 72. frustratedfostermom  |  June 27, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    I’m totally frustrated right now with the haircut rule! I think it’s totally ridiculous that my 2 year old foster boy has to be made fun of at daycare (being called a girl by the older kids), gets his hair all messy/matted and junk filled because he is a two year old and he is a boy! It’s getting so long and in his face. The case worker gave me permission to cut his bangs because it was becoming a safety issue. Now the bio mom has decided that she doesn’t like him with bangs, so now I have been told not to cut his bangs anymore. His hair is so pretty, any girl would die for it. But a little boy should be a little boy and not have to worry about taking care of his long curly blonde hair! And it’s not a first haircut for him. His hair was cut by bio parents before he entered the system. Ugh.

    • 73. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:52 pm

      hoo! lemme tell ya sweetie….hair don’t make the gender.
      If I was you, I’d tie it or wrap it (Indian style) until long enough for a pirate tie-back. a little creativity?……….
      A boy can’t have gorgeous hair? really?
      That’s because he’s a male of course, and lord forbid – that child has to grow up resembling a corporate suit or even better – a five star general !
      Have a little look sometime at how many fine figures of macho manhood (who happen to play professional sport) have long locks.
      same old bs………lets reduce down to 3 things, what boys can do and what they’re made for……….while increasing a girl’s probablities a hundredfold. (not a matter of settling old scores, dearies…) it’s a matter of raising good human beings for the trying times ahead.

      • 74. Heather  |  July 10, 2012 at 2:09 am

        I don’t think that’s what she meant. I think she’s just frustrated she can’t cut his hair because she’s not allowed, and it’s messing with HIM because kids are making fun of him for it. I’m sure she just feels like she has no say in the matter. She also didn’t say that him having pretty hair was a bad thing, it sounds like she adores it, but that he shouldn’t have to struggle with having so much. I know if I was a small boy, and kids were making fun of me for my hair, I’d be pretty pissed.

        You took what she said and blew it our of proportion, and made it into something it wasn’t.

    • 75. Becky  |  June 2, 2013 at 11:20 am

      Talk to the child’s CASA or Guardian ad Litem about this. They can present it to the judge who can order that the child be allowed to get his hair cut. If nothing else, it shows the judge how the parent is disregarding the needs of their own child for their own selfish views.

  • 76. Foster Mom in Training  |  July 5, 2011 at 11:39 pm

    I agree with your assessment of the rules, LT. The 15/22 law is frustrating. Knowing that the bioparent can get on, fall off, get back on and fall off of the wagon, repeatedly, is hard for the children. I also agree that “nontraditional” families should be allowed to foster and adopt. We have a great same-sex couple in our foster classes. They have already received a placement. The are great parents.

    Have you ever considered advocating for foster children’s rights in the future? You have a strong story. You’ve lived through the system. You are already making a difference in the lives of children in the foster system. I would love for law makers to hear your voice.

  • 77. Foster mom  |  July 23, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    The background checks are some of the ones that effect us the most, as we take teenage boys. Thankfully, “occasional” sleepovers at MY house are okay. But for them to go anywhere else overnight-OMG what a fraking nightmare. Even when they are 18. But that actually varies by the office the kids are from. One of my boys’ workers required background checks of everyone over 16 in the house if he went to sleepover even AFTER he was 18 and in voluntary (here a kid can stay in care until I think 23 as long as they are in school FT). My other 18 year old, now that he is 18, all I have to do is say it is okay. Different office, different workers, different rules. Oh, and my now 20 year old who was fine to sleep here when he was a foster child at 19, and able to share a room with another foster child cannot spend the night now without a background check and then he cannot share a room with a foster child (not even my 18 year old) WTF!?

    The driving is another one that we have trouble with. We cannot afford to add the boys to our insurance. But we want them to at least take the classes through a driving school. One good thing about here is the state will pay for 1/2 of driver’s ed but not for extra road time.

    Thankfully, we can have pets. We just have to provide proof of rabies shots. We actually foster animals as well and the boys seem to like that they have something in common with them-all in limbo.

    Another annoying rule here is getting permission to travel out of state. If the state doesn’t say okay, the kid has to go to respite. Even if we want to take them we can’t.

    Foster care isn’t a place to grow up. We try to be a permanent home for the boys. Unfortunately, some don’t know what to do with a stable home.

    • 78. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:43 pm

      So much of what you’re describing resembles what the whole civil rights movement waged war over in the mid-sixties. We make fun of the caste system in India – yet here it is alive and well.
      Move over, Oliver Twist, and give Les Miserables the news.
      I don’t know how you put up with it – it would drive me crazy. It’s like muzzle dog walkers. ‘scuse me fido, I know your nose was made for sniffing….but we’re gonna muzzle that away from ya now for the sake of public liability, and all……..
      If kids are “saved” (from whatever) by fostering, then just exactly how is their salvation supposed to make them feel equal (under the law, remember?) to any other “lucky” child who is also no more or less parented……but somehow – that’s the real cheese, while a foster is just a burger slice?
      Foster mom, I’d say you have the patience of a saint, bless you.
      I couldn’t do it. It would be world war 13 and counting, every single day. (but then, I highly doubt I’d pass the initiation, anyhow.)

    • 79. foster single mom  |  May 8, 2012 at 11:30 am

      what state do you live in? are you a single foster mom? I am applying to be one. any advice help much appreciated. I am fostering in texas. Thanks for sharing!

  • 80. Missy  |  August 17, 2011 at 2:46 pm

    Thank goodness the no-pets rule doesn’t happen in our state. Our foster son LOVES his kitty.

    Some of the rules I “get” but I don’t particularly like either. For instance, bio relatives get “first dibs.” It’s frustrating that you can be there in sickness, in health, for better, for worse, and do everything you can for a child for over a year. And then some relative says, “Well, I don’t really WANT another child right now, but I might take him anyways.” Gee, the family sentiment is commendable, but it kills me that we might have to give up our little boy to someone who doesn’t really want him.

  • 81. sassymisstallulah  |  August 28, 2011 at 8:15 pm

    I came across your blog while looking up the 15 out of 22 law for a class I am taking. I am studying to work in the juvenile court system. I read your page and wanted you to know I heard you….

  • 82. cvarner  |  September 27, 2011 at 2:00 pm

    I am a foster parent and I agree with the fact that the system is messed up. Bio parents should start working on their cases within the first few months or lose the opportunity. I believe in forgivness, but I believe that parents are given too many chances while their children have to suffer in the wait for them to decide to be parents. There are too many children and not enough foster homes to help. If we hold the bio parents hands forever then they are just going to keep on with the same behavior. In our time fostering, the county we live in does and offers every chance and lending hand to start fresh. It’s up to the parent to help themselves. As a foster mom, I wish I could take more children. I have found that foster parents can be the voice for these children. Step up and do it. Be there in staffings, in court, in any place that you can be heard. These children need you. In most cases, they sure as hell can’t depend on their own parents to step up. My prayers are with every child. And for the writer of this, you have found your voice, keep talking. You have lived it and you can help others! I wish you all the best!

    • 83. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:28 pm


      Go to any good fight cps forum, and you’ll discover the stories of thousands of decent parents fighting to get their kids the hell out of foster and back home again. Contrary to Walt Disney Presents American propaganda…..they’re not all deadbeats, monsters and incompetents. Not since the Child Industrial Complex showed up, “processing” child raw material for fun and profit. Check out how middle, and lower class people are bankrupting themselves silly trying to jump through Kangaroo Court’s silly circus hoops – $10,000 Guardian ad Litem fees, $200 stupid “parenting” classes (which many of them could teach) multiple McPsyche evals (would you like fries with that?) etc ad nauseum…..all for whatever assets you have, and more. Once you’re bled dry, you’re terminated. Anyone who has never been through this has any idea what it’s like – but try this for size….your most precious offspring has just been walked up to by a stranger and in front of your very naive eyes, a bullet is put into that child’s brain. Nice, um?
      TRP is essentially the death of your child (to you) – though they’re not actually dead.
      Imagine being buried alive……………………….only you don’t die for lack of air in a casket (sweet mercy) you die by one cut to the heart, with every beat – for the rest of your life.
      I guess I could say um, people really need to know this? I’m not surprised that they don’t though. It doesn’t really serve or fit into the sanitized bite-sized scrumdeleicious creamy dreamy wonder at our own selves, and how we couldn’t possibly mean any harm to the poor dears. We’re so very, very family-friendly. Just like Mein Fuehrer was. Something to think about.

    • 84. Karen  |  April 24, 2012 at 2:03 pm

      My kids kids are in Foster care, and the only reason they wont give me my kids back is because of 7 yrs of. Alligations made on me, its always the same alligations, open closed case! I don’t wanna sit around Ans wait for that knock on the door for them to tell me that one of my kid’s have been killed or hurt! It wouldn’t happpen if they were with me! It’s were they are safer! My kids are begging me to come home! Why can’t they listen to my kids? They don’t care about me or what happens to my kids! I’ve done everything, and been very compliant! I’m not on drugs, I’m not abusive! Why wont they give my children back?

    • 85. Sharon Elizabeth Whitfield  |  February 18, 2013 at 11:20 pm

      I went to DSS for help after I lost my job and was about to lose the house we were living in. One friday evening two social workers came to the house. One of the workers said to me, “Because you have no place for you and your children to live, we are placing your children in foster care. Over the next two years they had me jump through a myriad of hoops. Drug tests, alcohol screenings, mental evaluations, parenting classes, etc. All of which I did and of course passed. I found a job washing dogs. I worked 80 hours a week. They took out so much child support, that I only brought home $150 every two weeks. At this time I had to live in a shelter for women. The only thing I was unable to do was get a 3 bedroom house. This was a requirement for reunification. I was only allowed supervised visits one hour per week. It broke my heart when my children would ask every week if they were coming home. I felt that the situation was very unfair to them. So I, relinquished my rights. I did it because I love them and only want what is best for them. Even though I know I made the best decision for them, I cry every night. I worry about them. I miss them so much. We had a great life together. And then it was ripped apart.

  • 86. sam  |  September 28, 2011 at 6:26 pm

    everthing that you said was soo stru and this will help me with me research paper soo much but if u have ever done one, the teachers are so picky so i need to know your name to use your information, but its also the correct way to do a paper
    so if you could let pe know please

  • 87. Shocked  |  November 9, 2011 at 9:43 am

    I just saw this forum, Bio mom terminates writes we signed all the paper work to go forward with adopting four sisters, they are all excited, the oldest is unsure what she wants until she talks to Pals coordinator , BUT she wants to stay with us regardless. The case worker Vince Kanak from Hurst TX is forcing the 16 yr old to be adopted. Is this legal? The case worker then emails the therapist who stated she thinks the oldest should decide for herself, so the case worker decides to email her a nasty letter stating she is unethical and can not believe she does not want kids to be adopted, SHE NEVER SAID SHE DOES NOT WANT KIDS ADOPTED! So the case worker decides ” ill show you who he boss is ! He is pulling all four girls 11-9-11 and the girls are devastated, who speaks for the girls because our agency SAFY sure is not doing much?? manny@casperphotography.com

  • 88. Tori  |  December 7, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    I have a question but I can’t find a answer anywhere on here.. A friend of mine has two children in Foster Care and the Foster Mother is single.. The kids have told their mother that her boyfriend stays the night…Is this allowed and if not can you point me in the right direction to prove it??
    Thanks in advance.

    • 89. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:31 am

      In the state of Ny… You can have overnight visitors once in a while, like relatives from out of town, kids sleep overs and so one. Once a person has extended interaction with a child- boyfriend, girlfriend, they must have a background check, fingerprints and must be checked through cps to see if they had any form of child abuse or endangerment charges.

  • 90. Jp Merzetti  |  December 10, 2011 at 1:00 pm

    Well, another way of infantalizing the youth of the nation. You guys don’t want to hear about the legions of 14, 15 and 16 year-olds who had all the freedom in the world to entirely run their own lives….35-40 years ago. I recall a distinct disinterest in the adult population at that time – to control them in any way. We were smart enough then to know that the state hadn’t a clue how to “parent” a kid – so they didn’t bother – except with residential schools for Native kidnappees.
    More often than not a kid is punished for winding up in foster in the first place – then punished a whole lot more after arriving. The point is…far too many (with too much power over kids) don’t give a ruddy shit about kids at all – never did, never will. Says an awful lot about the foster system, and foster “parents” that a kid ages out of the money jackpot. Nice way to tell them that’s all they’re worth.
    Strange – when I was 18 (a long time ago) most of the 18 year-olds I knew would have blessed the day they could escape family ties. But that was a different world….and there have to be family ties in the first place to want to get away from.

  • 91. peter  |  December 13, 2011 at 12:52 am

    im a foster carer in australia..i really dont know what is wrong with the law makers in the states.over here any one as long as their record is clean can foster once they are 18:gay,single,defacto..dont matter.im in a defacto realtionship,have trampoline and also have 11 dogs,40 cats and 13horses. Also in australia all of the records are kept and passed on to the foster child once they are 18.

    • 92. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:50 am

      That’s awesome. I’m a “resource parent” here in the state of N Y. Here, sexual orientation, marital status and personal relationship doesn’t matter. You can be single, gay, living with your significant other… Whatever. As long as you are 21, have space for them, can pay your bills without a stipend, clean background, no communicable diseases, and you and your pets have shots/medical up to date. Becoming a foster parent was tedious. 10 weeks of training, background check this, home inspection that, run here, run there, do this, do that. You can do this, you need to do that… But the moment you ask a caseplanner a question, nobody knows anything. Its very frustrating, but at the same time… I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for my children- yes, that’s right… My children… in my home, yout are my child. No better or worse. If you are returned to you bps, that’s ok… But in my home and heart is yours while you are here and even after you’ve gone.

      • 93. Erica  |  May 21, 2012 at 12:54 am

        I wish I had had more FP like you. Mine sucked, and that is putting it lightly.

      • 94. Tasha J Rodriguez  |  June 29, 2013 at 1:51 am

        I am a foster mom in Idaho, and I feel the exact same way you do. I tell all of my kids, ” as soon as you can in the door you became my child. I will treat you just like my biological children, and I hope you expect nothing less.”
        My husband and I love being foster parents. We have had wonderful caseworkers, and have loved, and still love all of the foster children that we have had. We don’t do it for the money; we do it because the Lord has given us so much it is our privilege to give back to these kids that need a safe place to live.
        There are a lot of hoops to jump through, but we are taking care of someone else’s child. It is better to be safe than sorry.

  • 95. Living Day by Day  |  December 23, 2011 at 11:31 am

    As a single parent in the state of SC I am happy to say they don’t have a rule about fostering!! So far I have been mommy to 42 wonderful young ones! I am not sure about the gay/lesbian/ single male route. I have a feeling they probably have a problem here getting licensed.

  • 96. new foster mom  |  January 24, 2012 at 10:13 pm

    I agree. I am a foster parent. My husband and I have the coolest kid and I live in fear that they will give him back to his mom. He has THE BEST life now. His mom is showing up for visits now after no sign of her for 7 months(they won’t tell me if she started rehab) and the soc worker says that enough for her to get him back. I don’t know how I’ll deal with wondering if she’s hurting him again or if he’s hungry. Also my bio son loves him and thinks he’s his brother. He loves our family. There are cases where it’s best for kids to be w/their bio parents but not this one. knowing what i know, we should be able to adopt him now.

    • 97. Silverflamerider  |  May 21, 2012 at 1:00 am

      You have no right. He loves your family because he lost his. You said yourself you have little to no information and yet you state that you should be able to adopt this little boy after seven months? Do you know the hoops they make parents run through? You can’t treat these kids like lost puppies. We have and had families before you ever came into our lives. You should honor his mother. If it wasn’t for her you would have no foster son. You are a temporary place for him to take shelter until his parents can love him the way he needs to be loved, you are not his home. One day you will get tired, he will get bigger and angrier, feeling increasingly lost in this world without a connection to a family. And you will send him back and fuck over his whole world. When you are done you will say, well his family was fucked up they ruined him before we could save his poor soul, he’s unlovable now. Ugh.. sick.

      • 98. Anonymous  |  July 20, 2012 at 6:26 am

        I think you’re way out of line here. I’m fostering a family member, so I have background info, and def know our home has been and will be a better place. Additionally, I was in the system from 7 to 17. You don’t know what background info was passed on to the previous commentor. In our case, we received the arrest details, previous abuse charges, criminal history, etc. I knew a majority of the info, but I still learned a lot through that.

        I’m really frustrated that neither parent had done anything for 11 months. Our state doesn’t require much. Classes on drug use, drug testing, classes on physical abuse, and stating in touch weekly with the case worker. None of these simple things have been done. Because of it being kinship placement, we haven’t received a dime, nor would we ever request anything.

        The father has recently appeared again, although he still hasn’t met any of his simple requirements or ever appeared in court. We’ve been to court everytime we’re required to, sat with our frustrated fc who is too young to understand the wait, and driven a LONG distance to be there.

        We want to be this child’s voice. She was in a harmful environment before, and we believe we can provide her a safe, loving, and nurturing place to thrive. Due to her age and the length of time we’ve had her, she only know us as her parents. She doesn’t know anyone…not her mom, dad, anyone. I should say in our case the parent lost 3 previous children in the system due to drug abuse, physical abuse of the children, and jail time. The other parent has a restraining order against them that doesn’t allow them near the child due to the violence they committed in the child’s presence. Even with all that, the parents still have more rights than we do!

        Not every case is a case where the parents aren’t given a fair shake. They can blame the system all they want, but, in reality, there is often a better place for the child.

        I grew up in a group home, which isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. But guess what? It was better than any of the places I was with in my family’s care before that. I’ve put my faith in God, my self through college, and have worked hard not to repeat cycles of abuse. Being an adult without a parent is just as hard a when you’re a kid, but it gives you strength. And in think you learn to see things for what they are.

      • 99. samantha  |  February 22, 2015 at 2:16 pm

        Very well said

    • 100. Tasha J Rodriguez  |  June 29, 2013 at 2:08 am

      new foster mom,
      I am a foster mom as well. One thing you must remember is that in fostering you are providing a safe home for a child until the parent is able to provide a safe home. If the state determines that the parent can no longer give the child a safe place to live, or is not complying with what is being asked of them and terminates their rights.
      You should be supporting the parents and showing them that you aren’t trying to take their child away from them. That is not what fostering kids is about.
      As foster parents we aren’t there to judge what the parents are doing, or how they are doing. That is the reason why caseworkers aren’t allowed to give out too much information about the bio parents.
      The hardest part is loving these children, but loving them enough to give them back to their parents if that is where they need to be, and if the state says that is where they need to go.

  • 101. misty  |  February 4, 2012 at 2:10 am

    My heart goes out to you, i pray many blessings would come your way. I’m a Foster parent since age 23.I’m now 35 , me and my husband .We didn’t get any children for a long time I think the DVDs workers felt we were too young. We had a couple babies which never stayed long an 5 year old girl we almost got to adopt and I’m grieving that loss. They say big need yet we rarely are called on. We are stable kind people with a lot to offer.I’m thinking of checking into group homes after reading your message. I hope my response is okay with you. I just want to be here for a child who needs someone , and I’m a believer ,a commandment tells us to care for the orphans and widows.I’m amazed how a some react to this its easier for them to understand how one could be a pet lover. COME ON PEOPLE! Theystill seem confused when I explain children are so much more valuable than pets .I don’t get why anyone should not love to help a child. Thinking of you wishing you comfort. Have you ever heard the song HE IS CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. CC Wynnon. I believe is the lady that sings that. Ill pray for you. Thinking of that song and you brings tears to my eyes. I hope you can hear that ,and know Christ cares…..

  • 102. Chanson  |  February 6, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    My husband and I are just beginning the process to be foster parents and we are in Missouri. we have 4 dogs which are 3 labs and a boxer. My daughter also has 3 cats which live in her room which is a very large rec room similair to an apartment. Does anyone know what missouri guidelines regarding pets are?

    • 103. Kasha  |  February 9, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      In Missouri you just have to show proof of vaccinations for your pets. Background checks typically only go back 7-10 years, so don’t mention it and it probably won’t come up. We have been Missouri foster parents for 4 years and it certainly has it’s ups and downs, but good foster parents are really needed for the kids.

    • 104. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 1:59 am

      I’m a FP in California and pets are fine. However, I do urge you to set limits on where the pets sleep from day one and keep the rule. Some kids abuse animals because they were abused and it’s their way of dealing with it. I have had many kids these past 5 years in my home. I had one kid pull whiskers out of my cat (age 15) and one kicked the dog when my back was turned (age 7, major sexual abuse history). Luckily, my cat ran an hid and only came out when the kid was sleeping. Luckily, my dog didn’t bite the child in reaction. I would have been devastated if the dog got a bite record. I kept the dog locked in my room, unless I knew I could watch the child with him.

      Even though it sounds harsh, tell the kids that the dog/cat sleep in your room only. Kids will beg for the animal to sleep in their bed, at first, but eventually they will adapt and have a good relationship with the animals. Watch the kids with the animals and gently explain what is and isn’t ok. For instance, I had a kid that roughly petted my dog. The dog would start to snarl. I told the kid to notice how the dog was responding. Each kid is different, but set limits with your pets, as you observe the kids with them over time.

  • 105. Chanson  |  February 6, 2012 at 7:45 pm

    Another question is for a couple i know that would also like to be foster parents. One of them got mixed up with the wrong crowd when they were younger and got caught with marijuana and recieved a msd. charge and only ended up with a fine. This was 21 years ago will this get them denied as foster parents in Missouri?

    • 106. Ketsy  |  February 29, 2012 at 8:57 am

      They only go back 10 years, in anycase, as long as they are upfront about it, it should be fine. They do consider time since the incident. Major violent crimes are the disqualifiers. Rape, muder, child abuse, armed robbery… Those serious felonies are the problem.

  • 107. Mary  |  February 23, 2012 at 11:52 am

    I get the whole hair cutting and lice infestation thing. I have had my little ones for a few years now, my SW used to call me after every visit and tell me that ” mom says” the girls had lice? I would check and sure thing they had it. After so many times I would have the school nurse check them right before the visit, she would give me a note stating that all children had no lice. She was putting lice on the kids every week….. sick.
    Also mom went MIA about two years ago, we don’t know how many dads are involved or how to find them, but they still EACH have a lawyer that tax payers pay for, but my kids only have the GAL office and my big mouth speaking up for them.
    “Broken System” hardly describes this mess we are in.

    God bless every one and keep writing. It helps me know that is not just me.

  • 108. kyle norris  |  March 2, 2012 at 8:43 am

    why cant gay people foster kids? they have rights too.

  • 109. Tee  |  March 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    The reason I have my foster son sit in the back of the car is because there are airbags in the front seat. It clearly states that kids 12 and under need to sit in the backseat.

    I agree with a lot of the complaints. I think parents are given subsidies because it opens the doors to more foster parents adopting and being able to afford it whereas they might not otherwise.

    I think a lot of the rules are crazy too like foster kids not getting to spend the night at a friend’s house without permission, no trampolines, etc. Alot of this is to protect the child in foster care. When a child is in the system, it is the State’s responsibility to protect this child. They are taking every measure possible to protect these kids who have already been abused.

  • 110. Rebecca  |  March 15, 2012 at 3:40 pm

    Hey LT,

    Would you be ok if I quoted you for a research paper I’m writing about foster care? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks.

  • 111. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 4:10 am

    I have children i foster care and they are in different homes, one of the foster homes has a pet , I was told by the foster mother and also the case planner that there was dog in the home, there’s more to this story. But anyway, I live in NYC does the NO “PETS” rule apply in the state of NY? Also, when was this page last updated?

  • 112. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 4:28 am

    I agree with the rule about the D.L. I think that it has more to do with liablity reasons. Like if the foster child has and accident then the agency is responable for the child, and the biological mother can sue CPS or the aggency or the state. If my child where hurt in any way and the agency did not ask me if I thought is was o.k for my child to obtian a drivers licence I would most likly sue the shit out of them.
    And maybe that’s moreso because that (they) the agency and ACS has done so much worng by my children and myself. I mean like one of my childrens leg being broken while in care with no explaination!
    It probaily has to also, do with that the state dose not want to pay for the childs insureance.

  • 113. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 5:15 am

    I don’t have a comment but rather a Question: what is ”Trampolines”?

    • 114. Judy  |  January 15, 2013 at 12:16 am

      Its something children or adults can jump up and down on

    • 115. Michael Zaldivar  |  September 17, 2014 at 12:35 am


  • 116. Ms. Gaspard  |  March 18, 2012 at 5:38 am

    #1 you are not stupid and don’t think that of yourself. And 2 i think that these agencies just take kids for the money they will make for the state. You should know its a bussiness it’s not about the children but the money!

  • 117. angela  |  March 24, 2012 at 2:25 am

    Wow powerful message…

  • 118. angela  |  March 24, 2012 at 12:01 pm

    Wow are system is really messes up something needs to be done I was in the system myself and its not fun at all I’m traumintize by them.

  • 119. Jemma  |  March 28, 2012 at 12:55 pm

    Thats totally bad….. I am 11 and in foster care (in england) and fucking those rules are harsh and stupid!!! Over here we are allowed pets and trampolines but apparently I am too young to walk to a school that is really not that far away so I have to go in a stupid taxi everyday. You have all these things about being healthy and not driving too much but everyday social are sticking kids who are not fucking 2 yr olds in cabs!!! Why should foster carers have to treat you differently from your parents???? And another fucking police checks just to have a sleepover!!! How mean!! Why should people have to be married to foster? There is nothing wrong with gays, Lesbians and bi’s they are just like anyone else except they like different people. It is just sick discrimination.

  • 120. GRANDMA Tammy  |  March 29, 2012 at 1:41 pm


    Your so right..and I am so sorry what happen.
    I am a grandmother who got the phone call to pick up my grandson. because his parents was on drugs. I thank GOD each day. the police called me and not some damn foster care worker.
    I paid $14000.00 for my grandson in probate..F family court. thats bullshit. the grandparents in up paying for the parents lawyer..WTH..thats wrong..So I made sure my grandson case I was paying for was in PROBATE.
    Everything this kid said is true and then some.
    I have heard of girls being put in a home and RAPED AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 3..Really. and BOYS too..OPEN YOUR EYES GRANDPARENTS this is the life you want your grandchildren to live???


    I help grandparnets KEEP Little Grand CHILDREN out of foster care..OPEN YOUR EYES>.IT WORKS>

    I do say..thank you for sharing this..BLESS YOU>

  • 121. Julie  |  April 20, 2012 at 10:51 am

    I was just google and trying to find a voice for foster homes to speak in Michigan and there really isnt and it is so true with some of these rules… It is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done and so unrewarding/

  • 122. Marie  |  April 26, 2012 at 11:13 am

    I started working on my case the day after my daughter was taken from me. She was initially taken from me because my place was messy after I moved. Then the case worker added obvious lies to the charges but because she was a government worker everything she said was taken as fact without any proof whatsoever. For example, the worker said I ‘admitted to having blackouts where I go into a rage and beat myself in front of my child and do not remember doing it.’ Well, if someone did not remember doing something then how could he/she admit to doing it?? That is just one example of the many lies in the report. I had not told this worker anything of the sort. My daughter even started telling everyone I had been falsely accused. They retaliated against me saying I had been coaching her. She was 14/15 years old. I couldn’t even get her to clean her room when she was living with me. How could I have ever coached her??

    My court appointed attorney stipulated me to the charges even while I was objecting to them. I wanted a trial. The judge just smirked at me and says that I couldn’t object because I had stipulated. I was denied a trial. I was deemed guilty of things I had never done. The judge stated that she did not care whether it happened or not and even said she did not care about my constitutional rights. I even had evidence at the time that proved the case worker was lying but was never allowed to enter it since I was not allowed to have a trial. And over the past year they have added more allegations to the record that I am not allowed to dispute.

    They even gave me a brother in the documents that I never had. I said when I first read them that I did not have a brother by that name, but it was never taken out. Maybe some day I will meet this fictitious brother? And the case worker said I suffered from “delusions” but she repeatedly for over a year mentions the same nonexistant brother? Who is the delusional one? Perhaps she is projecting a bit there? It is almost humorous if someone wasn’t being hurt by this lunatic. In this case a few different people were hurt by this worker’s lies.

    I have never been a druggie. I was never a boozer. I was a respected long-time student at the local university. I was close to having my master’s degree in criminal justice. Now, my master’s degree will be worthless. No government agency will ever hire someone with my ‘record’. I am over $130k in student loan debt and can never pay it back. I’ll be lucky to get a job flipping burgers.

    I later learned from my daughter that the case worker, lawyer, and judge were all facebook buddies. And she showed it to me.

    I complied with everything on my case plan. While I was working on my case plan, they were badmouthing me to my child in foster care and telling her that I was not even trying to get her back. I started making my daughter perfectly aware that I was doing the case plan so that she would know I was fighting for her and they were lying. They retaliated against me for doing so. Later my visits with her were terminated altogether based upon more lies they concocted against both me and my daughter. Some of the lies were obvious. For example, they said that my daughter was failing school because of her visits with me. At the time of this testimony, my daughter had all A’s and B’s in her classes. And they knew it was a lie when they did it. At the next hearing they submitted her real grades going on about how her grades improved because visitation was terminated. Her grades actually went down after visitation was terminated because she was so depressed about it.

    The case worker admitted at the court hearing that I complied with the case plan but then stated, “but we feel that she only did it to get her daughter back and has not learned her lesson.” The judge even acknowledged that I followed the case plan, but then stated that it was not good enough.

    And there was obvious gender bias with the case. My ex-husband was allowed to badmouth me to my girl for over a year, in front of the workers, in facebook messages, and no one cared or acknowledged it. My daughter asked me a question during one supervised visit about something that he had told her and I answered her question. That was taken as “emotional abuse” and “disparaging her father” and further grounds to terminate visitation. It was not even disparaging her father since they didn’t think the subject matter was a big deal in the first place. They were just fishing for things to use against me. But he disparaged me in every contact he had with her, and upset her greatly by it, but no one ever thought he did anything wrong. He ended up with my daughter who he had not even visited with since she was a baby.

    Most parents start working to get their kids back right away. The workers lie and say they aren’t. Even in cases such as mine where the parents meet all of the demands, they will find any reason, even if they make it up, to keep the parents from getting their children back.

    And in the issue of substance abuse, people usually use the substances to cover up whatever pain they are feeling. Do you have any comprehension of how traumatic it is to have your children taken from you? So the addicts are placed in a situation where they have a huge trauma heaped on them and addicts tend to turn to substances even more to deal with trauma. The addicts need help and compassion but instead receive judgment and scorn. There are better ways to deal with it then what is being done, but then the states wouldn’t receive as much money from the feds.

    I have never used drugs. I have never turned to alcohol to deal with my problems. I have known others who did so. The ones who seemed to be best able to get over the addiction were the ones that learned to face what they were running from when they started using in the first place. They learned how to cope with it and future situations. They no longer ‘needed’ the crutch and was able to draw strength to move on. Most substance abuse therapists I have heard of just focused on not using instead of the deeper issues. The substance abuse is really a symptom of a deeper problem. They treat the symptoms instead of the true problem.

    In my case, the case worker sent me to a therapist who immediately started trying to get me to go along with having my parental rights terminated. While the written goal was reunification, the oral goal was to send her to live with her father. The therapist I was sent to immediately started telling me how I didn’t deserve my child, going on about the things I had been accused of doing, telling me how I needed to accept that I will never get better, and was trying to browbeat me into walking away from my child. I stood up and walked out of her office instead. I was never going to walk away from my child. And I have always denied the charges made against me. I was just never allowed a trial to prove my innocence. It is a shame in this country that you are guilty without a chance to prove innocence.

    One of the last times I saw my girl, she was crying because they wouldn’t let her come home. That image haunts me. That memory will haunt me forever. I lost my girl forever.

    The truth never matters when dealing with these cases. The courts just rubberstamp the cases to move them along. Any parents who are innocent and try to fight are retaliated against. And most parents who comply with them never get their children back. I am just one case proof of many of this fact. They even acknowledged in my case that I complied.

    • 123. lisa  |  June 15, 2012 at 3:14 pm

      You are right saying the truth never matters when dealing with these cases. First my 18 yr old is back in group home after 11 months trial home doing well with me at home until his 16 yr old sister made a hotline about him. Now she is in foster care supposedly protecting her from hitting me. The system is so backwards but if they didn’t lie and make up stuff then they wouldn’t get all their government money they get. My son had a job & they took it away. Look out because if one kid is in the system they will look at the others. PROFIT FOR KIDS! They kept changing SW, I’ve seen SW’s, Juvenile workers, & Juvenile chief officers quit- these are the ones who know the system is unjust and have a heart. Anyway I took parenting classes paid over $200, I did everything they wanted & now two kids are in the system instead of one. They say reuniting with family was the plan & a SW would come to home & give papers that it was going to happen until court that morning, the papers were all different. They don’t care it’s a money game to them. I’ve even seen SW make paperwork up right in front of me. I know their telling the foster parent lies about me. It’s actually sad. If your a foster parent don’t judge the bio parents because you really don’t know any truth. I defenitely don’t smoke, don’t drink, don’t do drugs. If your a FP then don’t judge because you don’t really know what the bio parent has been doing & how hard they have tried fighting for their kids. FP be aware of the SW lies because if they didn’t lie about these cases then they wouldn’t have a job and Foster parents wouldn’t be needed. It’s a MONEY MARKET. They aren’t protecting kids, there just making a profit. I don’t believe they were ever going to reunite us, but as long as I kept doing their game they were having fun with it. I tried to look up how many families they really reunite and can’t find any info. There is no money in reuniting with family. The psychologist was worried because I wasn’t divorced from my husband-of course she was being paid by state. How is that reuniting family? LIES LIES LIES! The judges, GAL, lawyers, psychologists, and SW all get paid. Foster parents too. BE Aware foster parents and be nice to bio parents-it’s not always their fault. It’s all in the numbers, the more kids the more money! LOOK OUT! IT can happen to you. Oh and when I was in parenting classes a FP was in trouble because she couldn’t control her foster kid so then state was looking at her own child. Shame Shame America! Our children will take care of you someday!

  • 124. Stanley  |  May 5, 2012 at 10:36 pm

    Up here in the Great White North we have two especially stupid rules regarding foster kids:
    1) foster kid’s can never, ever be left home alone, no matter how old they are. This makes 100% sense for little kids… Not so much for older ones, like my 15 yr old foster son. It is *literally* illegal for me to leave him at home while I walk the dog, do a quick grocery run, etc.

    2) foster kids need written permission *each* and *every* *time* they leave the province. In theory, this rule makes sense… in practice, not so much for me. I live in Ottawa, Ontario and Gatineau, Quebec is 600 m from my house (my house is 2 blocks from the interprovincial bridge). I work on the Quebec side. The convenience store with the best candy (sour gummy spiders from Couche Tard!!) is on the
    quebec side. My bio daughters used to go to school on the Quebec side (well, until I threw my hands up in despair at being unable to get permission to send my foster son to the same school, which is all of 900 m from the house. Because the school is in QC!! I had my girls pulled from the school so all 3 of them could go to the *same* school on the Ontario side).

    I’m all for safety and protection — god knows, foster kid’s have been through hell and deserve all the safety in the world — but I fail to see how banning my foster kid (and my bio kids, by default) from a great school *just* across the provincial border makes him (or anyone) safer. Or the dire consequences that would kick in should he and the girls make an unplanned (and therefore *unauthorized* and essentially
    Illegal for him) run for sour gummy spiders !!!!!

    • 125. miss care  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:37 pm

      I am sorry for everyone that grew up not having a good foster family that works with the bio parents. I am a foster parent raised three of my own have two step children and a full time career I treat them like my own and their moms like their moms. She talks to them we do surprise visits. They tex her. We take the kids on trips. They have sleepovers, they choose when to get their hair cuts, the rules we have is if you are going to swear not around young kids or adults, no drinking till of age but if you do please call for a ride home no aftermath, be kind, be proud, tell us what you need or feel we can’t always read minds. And they will get a older car when they come of age. Their parents should not be punished nor them. I will stand by their parents as long as it is good for the kids.

  • 126. kat82  |  May 28, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    You forgot another stupid rule, if they red flag you, you cant adopt or foster children….

  • 127. Kathy  |  May 29, 2012 at 4:23 pm

    I agree with you, because I am trying to raise my grandchildren and they are putting me through a ringer and the father of two of them is getting more chance then anyone I know. I have had the kids for two years and he has been in there life for a about one year. But I have been in there life since the day they were born. They system is very messed up.

    • 128. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:46 pm

      My mother nearly lost her business keeping up with their demands and took great care of the kids! The system is failing completely. It is failing everyone, especially the poor kids!

  • 129. emilie  |  June 4, 2012 at 6:12 pm

    my children were recently taken from me by cps. i havent stopped crying in days. my kids are my world. i have never failed a drug test i have a stable home where they have their own room filled with toys i did classes within a month that takes most 6 months…they filed for emergency removal for no reason the children were in no imminent danger. if anyone knows any loop holes or can possibly help me i would adore you. these kids are my world and i feel like i die a little more every day they are away

    • 130. SM  |  June 20, 2012 at 11:10 pm

      Gosh that’s like what my parents went through before I got my current worker…
      Call the workers or at the next court, demand to know what else needs to be done…
      If you can, get a lawyer, but find one on your own not a county one, and try to research the lawyer before you hire. Prayin for yah. 🙂

    • 131. Sarah  |  November 14, 2012 at 8:04 pm

      You know there are always two sides to every story. Kids don’t get taken away for no reason. Babies don’t get taken from you the moment there born for no reason. You may be ashamed of the reason that they are being taken away but there is a reason. One of the girls I went to school with lost all three of her kids because she wouldn’t break up with her boyfriends a “reformed” child predator. She is a very nice person but she chose him over her kids and she will tell anyone that will listen that the state took her kids away for no reason. The state takes babies away that test positive for drugs. I have seen kids get taken away because the family dog bit them and they wont put down the dog. If your child keeps coming into the ER child services will get called. Some mothers like keeping there kid sick. I’ve seen it. They love the attention they get, then they’re shocked when OCS gets involved. We’ve had people leave there kids in hospital rooms while they go out to smoke. Just leave them by themselves and are shocked when they get back and social services is there. I remember a kid came in with bruises all over and the mother was trying to protect the father not the kid. She wanted the kid to tell us that he fell down the stairs when it was obvious he’d been beaten. Now OCS may visit you for stupid allegations from dimwitted neighbors and friends calling in suposed abuse. I don’t deny that. You may spank your kid. Fine but if it leaves bruises its abuse. Your neighbor may think your satan for displining your kid. Social services isn’t going to take your kid just for that. Not unless they see something like bruises. Your kid may make up a story that alerts teachers. Most the time that gets sorted out the tale from the truth. I’m sorry when people’s kids get taken away and maybe they shouldn’t have. But most the time I think they get pulled out of the home for good reasons. You may not want to admit it or in your eyes it wasn’t abuse when it was. Your loved one would never hurt your child but his criminal past says other wise. If you chose him/her over your child you deserve to lose them. If you chose your pets over your kids you deserve to lose them. You need to own up to the reason and I believe almost everyone deserves a second chance. Just don’t get on here and tell me the state took your kid for no reason.

      • 132. Ainsley  |  November 26, 2012 at 8:16 pm

        You clearly have no idea what you’re talking about because kids DO get taken away for no reason ESPECIALLY if they’re young enough to get adopted. Do some damn research.

        • 133. Pam  |  December 8, 2012 at 7:15 pm

          Yes they do I agree with you. I have a soon to be daughter-in-law that when she was in foster care she got pregnant because the foster parents left the children with their own teenage daughter. needless to say the daughter would invite boys over. She had her daughter when she was 15. The Foster parents talk this 15 year old to sign tempoary custody over to them so they could draw on her and get medicial attention if need be with the understanding that when she got old enough to leave. She would go get an apartment get set up then she could come and get her baby. But nooooo they are now trying to get her for abandment and adopting her baby. There are some good foster homes but there are some bad ones and this one is bad. They have 3 large dogs in the house like Labs. The house smells like a kennel the kids smell like dogs and are covered up with dog hairs. We now have join her to get her baby back and her little sister and borther who desperate to get out of this home. I thought foster care is to help family to reunite now tare them up. And I do understand there are some parents that should never had any children and they don’t deseve to have them back but don’t take them out of one bad situtation and put them in another. And by the way this is in northren Kentucky

      • 134. Paige  |  December 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm

        I am in foster care and have been for about 2 weeks now, I was taken away for no legitimate reason,I’m 15 and I have no say in anything until I’m 18,all this because my mums a spiteful bitch.

      • 135. fucklifecompletely  |  August 26, 2013 at 1:25 am

        Fuck that “no reason” I can’t even go bak to my mom an she did absolutly nothing wrong she has 9 kids (me being one of them) I’m still in the fucking system an I have been for three fucking long ass years. But none of my siblings r in here so explain that one. No reason my ass live the life of the foster child in todays world see how fast ud be complaining. All these rules r bullshit let alone fuckes up. Just leave the child with the parwnt atleast it would have a better chance of growing up. Foster kids get killed in foster homes becuz the foster parwnts r only in it for the money an now a days that’s all this society fucking wants is money only for greed. Open ur damn eyes to wats really happening the radio an all those broad cast things to donate to foster kids is fucking rediculous we get money have have thousands of clothes and misc. Shit I’m sitring here on my galaxy s3 with two fuxking laptops tell me am I poor an I’m not recieve cash. Yea sure cuase the fuckinh county is ripping it from my moms paychecks eveey month becuz I’m not with her. They won’t let mego bak to her my mom is a damn square never drank or smoked in her life works two jobs is married and owns an 8 bedroom house an two vehicles 4 quads an shit an yet she’s still unfit for me to go live with her. Yea an now that I had my daughter they took her feom me two months after she was born becuz a social worker said “I’m a minor an I can’t handle responsibilites of raising a child” im 17 an i planned to have my daughter and i am fighting for her bak becuz im not about to let these bastards walk all over me while im in foster care . FUCK THE COUNTY, GOVERNMENT, AND SOCIAL FUCKING SERVICES. YOU RUINED MY DAMN LIFE TO GROW UP IN MY OWN NORMAL FAMILY!!

  • 136. laura  |  June 8, 2012 at 2:07 pm

    Thank you for this insight from a foster care childs point of view, I hope to soon be a foster parent and I appreciated your point of view. Here in wa they’re starting a aging out program to assist kids who age out of foster care without being adopted. One more program to hopefully assist.

  • 137. SM  |  June 20, 2012 at 10:29 pm

    -In my county, you get your cell phone confiscated when you come into care… It took me over a week of begging to give it back.
    -Drivers have to walk kids into school ( even teenagers!) unless the social worker fills out paperwork…
    -All medicine, even lactose intolerance pills, must be administered by an adult.
    -Adult contacts spoken to at all parties (really bad when you don’t want your friends parents knowing you’re in foster care).
    -Mandatory therapy, even if you don’t need it.
    -You should have seen how long it took them to get me a laptop for school.

  • 138. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:26 pm

    Don’t call yourself stupid because let me tell you that anyone who wrote that well thought out little article is anything BUT stupid. My sister is a crack head, drug addict who lost her kids to my mother. The oldest one she lost when he was 11 to her ex and he is now 20. The 16 year old & the 3 year old were put into “kinder care” with my mom who while her husband was dying of bone cancer & her 33 yr small business, a kennel, pet supply & groom in town was going under because of Petco & took 7 12 hour days a week with no days off to run, and she is 67, still managed to take very good care of them, close her store to make all the CPS meetings and counseling appointments, doctors for the little one who had anal herpes , and the older boy was an alchoholic on probation and had lots of meetings every week. I watched my mother run herself ragged and helped as much as possible. I have Cancer as well. The state lied, switched workers, played games, and treated us like we were criminals while we built them rooms, bought them clothing they had never had, fed them healthy to get rid of all their health problems caused by being underfed & when fed given only sugar, got them therapy and worked with them through their anger and sadness and confusion. The state made it almost impossible to have day care by screwing the daycare providers out of pay. The state left the mother a homeless drug addict and did not get her any help at all. She slept in the snow without a blanket many nights & if you heard her life story you would see a human being who needs help and therapy as well. NYS then ripped the child, my nephew, who at that point had become a fixture at my house and was extremely happy, healthy, and well behaved, and I asked for and got NOTHING for it, just LOVED HIM. We are poor and I am very ill but the state came and ripped him away from us because the mother, my sister had taken to coming around my mom’s store to use the phone, wash, and ask for money. My mother of course felt sorry for her and was listening to her say that she wants help and wants to change her life and be a good mother. One day I had surgery and my mother took my nephew to the store with her. Now, the mother had visitation twice a week but it was supervised and held at the states offices each time. The mother had to take 2 buses to get there & showed up every time. ALSO; she had only tested positive for pot which is important because although she is a drug addict they had absolutely no proof of that and took him away because she punched my mother in the face & had pot in her system. My mother did not deserve that but if I said I never got the urge I would be a liar. My mother is old school and extremely judgemental & difficult so they had it out after living together for twenty years. So the mother always showed up for visits but the state kept promising to help her find a job, a home, and get her son back. She had free legal aid but was never actually represented and they seemed to just stand there and allow anything to go on without ever letting her have her say or tell her side. So back to the story, my mom brought my nephew with her that day and my sister stopped by to use the phone and wash up and saw her child for ten minutes. Bad luck had it so that my sister’s probation officer stopped by to see her because he was passing in a car and saw her go in & reported that the child was there at the store with her. My mother had not broken the rules otherwise and this was just by chance. They then called the 16 year old and our case worker who was a lying crazy freak btw…many complaints against her, & our 3rd worker who never called back or answered her phone and cancelled most appointments so really knew NOTHING about Phoenix or his case & as you said had way too many cases to do anyway! She interviewed the 16 yr old illegally without the guardian’s permission or presence and as he puts it threw a lot of questions at him quick and slipped in something about his mother being able to see the baby all the time. He assumed she was meaning the visitations twice weekly and was never at the kennel so would not know what she meant anyway or be the person to ask and he said yes. Later he dealt with a lot of stress because after she took them to court and used his statement to rip the baby away from a happy home my mother & sister were very angry at him for lying and he took a lot of blame & slack for it. Of course that is wrong because he had been through a lot too but they were upset because they thought he did it on purpose or was not listening and yessing her to death when he was told never to speak with her without a guardian present because she was very very shady. I stuck up for him explaining that if they would have paid a day care provider more than $1 an hour he would have been at day care and none of it would have happened in the first place. It was no one’s fault, just bad luck and a tricky, lying worker. The next week at court they left the teen in my mom’s custody & took Phoenix screaming & crying away from my family. They put him in Foster Care and almost immediately they were asking him to call them mommy & daddy. He was dirty and they cut his hair all weird and uneven. They were feeding him all junk food, and he was off his vitamins and back on Gluten with rashes and red cheeks and cursing, screaming, angry behavoir. We were very close with the doctors to finding out wether he was asbergers or autism or just had some symptoms of adhd from being a crack baby. We had taken away gluten and he was like a new child! We had letters from teachers recommending me for custody. They told him he was going to be put with me. I spent $100’s and put myself in credit debt building him his own room and making the house perfect. They did a backround check & came to the house twice to inspect it. They knew I had Cancer. I had no warning & was at a wedding in North Carolina when they called. I was in it so it was the whole shebang, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception. I told them I would drive all night if I had to and was made to feel we were just signing papers and picking him up and had passed the test. Everyone was so excited! We hung banners, got cake, and drove all night to get to the family area of the courts. The worker was late. Like I said I am in tons of pain from my health issues. I do not drink or smoke or do drugs. I can’t because I have Lupus as well. I do however have a prescription I have had for a year that I save for 7 hour car rides after I do something as strenuous as a wedding. Usually after an event like that I need a day or two of rest. See in my home I have a beautiful, successful 16 year old daughter who I had at 19 and raised alone. I did darn good. She is amazing and a reflection of my mothering as well. They never interviewed her though. My fiance works for the government and has an FBI backround check every year for 8 years. I took what is called a muscle relaxer, a very light one because tranquilizers make me feel out of control and sleepy where as this one I save for bad spasming and long car rides cause a lot of pain. We went in to see the judge late because I was told to meet the worker, the real lying, slickster one, and she did not show till forty five minutes later. She gave me the address of where to get him, said she had heard wonderful things about me and the inspector loved what I did for him in my home.I have had a few miscarriages over the years because of the cancer and I am a daughter of DES so I guess I went nuts a bit and went all out for him. We have cats & dogs & a trampoline though and they loved them and said it was great. So they suck totally different ways I guess! The judge looked pissed when I got in and they said your all late and she apologized. They asked if I wanted custody and I smiled and got teary and excited & the judge looked me up & down like dirt (I am pretty but look sick)and asked if I would take a drug test. I said sure but I was a little insulted that they handed him over to so many people without one and were now asking me. My fiance had just partied and drank all weekend at a wedding which is normal if you ask me and does not make you a bad parent. He may fail which could hurt his job with the government but I had a prescription and by now my one measly weak muscle relaxer was long gone most likely. So I bring up the issue honestly and say that I would gladly be drug tested weekly if need be during the mother’s visits or whatever & that we NEVER drink at home or do any drugs at all, but that son this year I am having surgery to remove tumors and will probably be on medications afterwards. I asked why my worker did not tell us it may be a possibility because if she had he would have abstained and I would have never taken a pill for the ride. Why were we told he was already ours and now we are being treated like criminals or suspects after all that we were put through already? The judge did not have much to say. He was a really nasty old prick and if you want the truth I think he did it just because he did not like my sister and knew she was a drug addict so assumed I may be as well. It pissed me off. I took the test but the judge then said that he would not let him be released to me until the results and another “hearing” ??? I was not aware there was going to be a first hearing!!! I was not allowed to call Phoenix myself to explain and had not seen him in a month. He was at some halfway home in Bayshore. Get this his mother was allowed to call him every night! I don’t associate with her though so I was just a mess. A crying slobbering mess. I had killed myself at a time when I was supposed to be resting and doing all this raw diet, vitamin stuff and I was painting and lifting and building. All his toys were sitting there, the welcome home party with no guests. It was awful and the worker said he cried uncontrollable for hours when he heard he would not be seeing in his words, “Unkie Munkie, Aunt Kimmie, and KY (Sky) his cousin or his brother AWSTUNN. The worker told me it was fine. That I should get my doctor’s note about the cancer & write a letter about the wedding and they would retest my fiance & also to bring his prior tests from work. She said I could come the next day and petition the court and go through it again or the judge might just change his mind. Well the next day that same worker who told me how wonderful I was and highly spoken of by the schools and counselors and the kids put him in foster care the next day and did not tell the judge anything or stick up for me at all…she said something to the effect of we don’t need to put him in another problem drug household!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I also heard the judge did this because I have Cancer and he did not think I could take care of him! I am not dying yet people! I plan on living and am doing a damn good job of it if you ask me. So the foster home he is in is really fishy to me and now my sister has done rehab, therapy, anger management, parental training, and is tested 4 to 5 times a week at her outpatient treatment. She attends AA meetings, works full time, and got a beautiful apartment which I decided to send over the thousands worth of clothing, furniture, toys, art supplies, bedding, shoes, and extra primer and paint from the fun colors we painted his room, so he has a mint dream room over there….including a slip and slide he could be on right now if the courts and state workers were not liars and cheaters. NOW they have decided to go against what they said which was that my sister would have him back in August especially because she did this all herself with no help from them, but maybe even sooner. They have changed it suddenly to that they are adopting him out because he has been in foster care for fifteen months!!!! FIVE MONTHS…he was in KINDER care with family…meanwhile the mother has done everything herself that they said they would do. She met their goals without their help and they have done things to this poor kid he will never get over. He is four now and I can’t even write this without pouring tears. I can’t afford a lawyer and the thought of him being adopted and never seeing him again is awful. My daughter got to go see him as my sister’s guest today for the first time in 5 months. I miss him so much I don’t sleep some nights just wondering if I will ever take him to the park again or catch fireflies again or just snuggle up on a sick day n watch Toy Story 3 over and over or Cars. I wonder if he will ever run to me like he did when he got off the school bus every day and jump into my arms and squeeze me hard like he could not wait to see me. He was difficult & had OCDs but we had great ways of working through it all and I never felt so proud as when I saw him able to breathe through his frustration and do a little yoga pose instead of breaking or hitting. He gave me a reason to fight every day. I have many reasons but nothing is better for you than a 4 year olds perspective on life. We had such fun and I wish he could be here with me. My sister even wants me to have him and we do not speak! If she can’t have him she asked he be placed with us but no one cares about what is really best for him it seems. I get to see him next week and am so scared that I will mess up and not be able to hold back my tears when I do but I have to for his sake. It’s gonna take some preparation. I wonder if I could afford a lawyer if I could adopt him? Your story made me see what he is going through and how badly I want for him to be out of that. Truly if I can’t have him & his mother does not get him he is a very cute white adoptable kid and even though I will die inside my whole life not knowing where he is or who he is with and it will kill my heart which has been through enough I do hope that someone absolutely wonderful gives him the most stable and amazing life ever afforded a kid in the history of adoption:( YOUR ALL RIGHT WHEN SAYING THE TRUTH NEVER MATTERS TO THESE PEOPLE. IT ALL DEPENDS ON YOUR WORKER AND IF THEY ARE JUDGEMENTAL AND ASSUMING OR LIARS OR NICE PEOPLE. WE WENT THROUGH 3 AND THE FIRST ONE LOVED US THE SECOND WAS NEVER AVAILABLE N DID NOT DO HER JOB AND THE THIRD WAS A COMPLETE LIAR AND WANTED TO DESTROY US FOR SOME REASON! I THINK BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT OUT THERE WITH A FEW THINGS AND IT MADE HER LOOK BAD. THEY CAN DO WHATEVER THEY WANT TO YOU & THE LAWYERS PROVIDED TO THOSE WHO CANT AFFORD DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!

  • 139. Kimberly Kirchhoff  |  July 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

    It is me again, the gal who posted the last comment. If anyone knows anything I can do to help get him out of Foster Care please let me know. If anyone knows a lawyer who will do pro bono please let me know as well. I really will do anything for this kid. That year with him was the best I have had in a long time. He brings so much sunshine to our family. The thought of someone getting him through an adoption that should not be taking place at all is unreal. These people who work for the state should start having to be held accountable for their actions and poor judgement. There is a home with ten foster kids in it around the block from me that has been reported a ton of times and just keeps on trucking. I have seen one of the foster brothers get the sister pregnant at 15. This small disabled girl Rebecca would ride around very young all hours on her bike with no helmet and I started inviting her to play with my daughter. She ate like she was starving all the time, and because she was disabled and had a breathing tube it was easy to hear her during hide & seek but my daughter who was 6 at the time would pretend to look all over first to make her feel better. Rebecca was maybe 9 at the time but looked and acted about 5 or 6 too. She would throw her garbage on the floor & tell me to clean it up in a nasty tone and would try to hurt the dog and curse at it, but I figured she had been through a lot and just said we pick up our own garbage and showed her where the can was and then put the dog in it’s kennel when she came by. One day I called her foster mother to ask if she was allergic to anything because I was going to do face painting on her and my daughter. The mother had the kids say she was not home and when she heard it was someone who had her kid here she got on. She was very weird on the phone and never seemed to care where she was or who with or ask her to come home. She was out in the dark all the time. She left her glasses here once. Iw ear glasses and could tell by looking through them she needed them to function every day but no one came to pick them up for weeks. I called and called. That is how I finally found out where it was and went over and saw it. It was unreal!!! I wanted to take all the kids immediately out of there! I have a messy house and am the LEAST judgemental person but it was unspeakable and the kids had no supervision at all! The next year one of the teens raised there beat up his girlfriend on my front lawn after leaving a party a few doors down drunk. When I came out to try and break it up he attacked me and called me all kinds of disgusting names. The cops came and did nothing! They did not even scare him or go talk to his parents! I had to stop letting Rebecca over when she started telling my daughter about performing fellatio on her older foster brother. Thank god my daughter had no clue what the words she used meant yet. I called to report that a little girl just claimed to be doing sexual acts with her teen step brother in a foster home nearby and I guess nothing was done about it. Kids still come and go out of there. Every Summer I have a garage sale to help with bills and at the end they all come and I give them all free clothes and toys and whatever is left that they want. I also gave that girl a couple of helmets so they do not ride around without them anymore. My question is how can I be considered not good enough and be asked to do tons of work on my already okay home that they allowed him in for a whole year with no problem if people like that are foster parenting???? So what if I have cancer. So what if my husband had drinks at his brothers wedding and bachelor party? We had no idea when they were going to call and say it is time! Ugh. Frustrating.

  • […] food for thought, check out THIS POST and others from I Was a Foster Kid. (Warning: Forceful […]

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  • 142. marilyn farrow  |  July 25, 2012 at 2:13 am

    I think you should write a book, tiitled i was a Foster kid, all this you have experienced may make you rich in the near future jjust tell the truth ,think smart not hard, also i’m a foster parent I believe that the kids should have the latest hair cuts, the school should not revel that they are foster kid, that’s no ones business, I feel you should traet them as you would your own children,make them welcome,they can go in and out the fridge just like your kids do, tell your familt this is your kids so treat then as such, buy them nice clothes you can bargin shop, but no goodwill or salvation army stuff fresh crisp new clothes in style like the other kids. do not treat them like outsiders, tell them it’s not thieir fault theare in the system, teach them to hold thier hesd up, and don’t think of the negative but the positive things, and take advantage of all the programs that foster care offers. when evryone sayds you can’t… let them know you can!! that’s how I run my foster home, and they all come back to visit . Good luck let go…and really find you and don’t take your kids through this terrrible ordeal.

  • 143. Janie Bonner  |  July 31, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    i am 17 years old and i am a foster child have been in and out since i was 13. i am on my own laptop that i bought with my own money from having a job since i was 16 of course i live in tennessee and i have my own camouflage truck and license. i had my license and a different truck before i came back into foster care. in my foster home the kids fight and wrestle and pretty much act like kids. i am a girl and me and the other 16 year old boy get into fist fights all the time. i pay my own everything i dont even ask for toothpaste in my bathroom. as the reason i was removed this time was because i was pretty much taking care of my parents. my vehicle is in only my name and the insurance as well. i come and go as i please as long as they know where im going im allowed to leave with my boyfriend and am fixing to move from west tn to east tn to leave custody with a family member. i will have all my things in my truck and i will be driving myself i guess maybe a caseworker will be in the vehicle with me and the other caseworker will drive herself maybe? anyways.. most kids cant have a phone but i pay for that as well. and most arent trusted this much.. the only reason why i have so many waivers for these such things is because ive already showed that i can do it on my own and thus nashville signing a waiver for my vehicle and license. i have been here since february and will be exiting soon.. oh yeah i ride up front with my caseworker and we have a trampoline that the kids kick eachother off of. so i dont see why others cant have 1. anyways wish me luck with my new family as i will be getting back into public school and living in a big city which im not used to at all!! thanks and best wishes to all the other kids out there:)

  • 144. Paid To Drive  |  August 15, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    It is in reality a nice and helpful piece of info. I am glad that you just shared this useful information with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  • 145. Brandi Serna  |  September 2, 2012 at 11:37 am

    I know how u feel. I haven’t been in the system myself. They put my children in the system over something that happened @ the babysitters. Then told me I was responsible for what happened I should have not left them with a babysitter. So I told them ok well I am a single mom that has to work so give my kids back and when get ready for tomorrow I will be sure and drop them off here pick them up here when I get off. I’m sorry that no one told about ur free baby sitting services. That when they told me I wasnt getting my kids back. Then about 2 years later I remarried and had another baby and they took her straight from the hospital. I had to fight for 18 months to get. Custody of her. During that 18 months, I got Pregant again, when our baby was 5 months old and I was 3 months Pregant my husband got killed in a car wreck. So even though I got custody back when she was 18 months old she didn’t bond with me as her mother. She wouldn’t eat, sleep, all she would do is cry. So I had numerous sleepless nights of not knowing what to do. For the system to sit up and talk about being so smart, they sure do some stupid stuff!!! They talk about how parents mess the kids up when they r the ones that mess them up. They act like a good old fashion but whoopin these days is beating ur kids! But that’s why the kids r the way they r these days! Cause they won’t let us whoop them on the butt! There is a difference in a beating and an ass whoopin!

  • 146. kel  |  September 2, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I’m not sure why you think there’s a rule that you can’t have pets. At least in my state, there’s no such rule. You just have to provide shot and immunization records.

    Most of these rules make sense to me. You sound super bitter.

    • 147. LooneyTunes  |  September 2, 2012 at 10:23 pm

      since you decided to step into my blog and insult me…

      let me give you a lesson


      when i was in care in MY STATE, pets were not allowed in foster homes. allergies, dog bites, and other stupid shit would make good reasons why some states do not allow pets.

      if you come back to my blog, be nice.

      • 148. hilary brodsky  |  December 28, 2012 at 8:42 pm

        I found your blog by googling foster care, i loved your honesty and sincerely hope that the information you provided sinks in to anyone who is fostering or thinking of doing so. i will remember what you have written and when a child is placed with us i will do my best to be a voice. Our goal is to help children, mine are incredibly fortunate and i wish more good people would help.
        I hope your life is full of success and i think you should consider being an advocate for others, even join a foster parent group give a voice to the kids to frightened to speak up.

        My very best

    • 149. GOOD&HARDY  |  September 14, 2012 at 1:13 pm

      Good Lord, seriously? This woman has been through hell, maybe check into what you are talking about before you insult her. If anyone ever had the right to be bitter it’s LT – although I personally do not feel the post came across that way AT ALL – and regardless, you are the one who was mistaken. She said at the very beginning of the post that foster care rules are state based. Some of them make sense, but some of them prevent children from being able to be children, prevent good (and I do realize some are good and some are decidedly not) foster parents from doing the best for their kiddos, and do nothing more than widen the schism between those in the system and the rest of the world. Gracious.

    • 150. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Kel, you sound like an idiot… Granted, we all know foster care is the equivalent of going on vacation to Disney World, so why would he sound bitter? O_o

    • 151. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:10 am

      As a FP, I can tell you these rules exist. I imagine they’ve all been developed for liability purposes. The author does not sound bitter to me. She is pointing out the truth. These things need to change. They do not serve the children well.

  • 152. John Armatige  |  September 12, 2012 at 7:05 pm

    I am a foster carer and have been for around 18 years along with my wife.
    The “No hair cut rule” is still in force today.
    We are allowed pets but cats and dogs need to have a certificate from a registered vet to show they are not nasty towards people.
    We adopted 3 of our children after they were placed with us as they will have been moved around the system for years and all are doing very well.
    We have looked after many children over many years and we are still in contact with many of them and send cards at birthdays and at Christmas and we have lots of children who have grown up returning back for a visit and we had good times and some not so good.

    We have moved children on back to the family’s or extended family but on average it takes around 18 months to sort out the legal side of things but we attend contact and meet the parents and work with them as close as we can.

    It is fair to say that foster carers find it very hard to adopt children they look after but we work through the red tape and the extra courses they send you on just in case you decide to give up as many authority’s do not like foster carers to be adopters of children .

    I live in England and the system has its faults but we do not have any care homes ( homes that hold more than 6 children) as they have been shut down and the catholic church has been stopped from arranging adoptions due to the gay/ unmarried stance they take.

    In the UK we do have gay foster carers and this has had no impact on the child and as you have stated it is better to be in a loving home than in a large children’s home and i have to agree fully with that.
    0 to 18 years old is our age range and we have looked after children who have been damaged by the way they have been brought up/ dragged up and we slowly make a mends over time.

    From next year i will not be a foster carer and will return to my old job as a mechanic but this is due to the cuts in the UK government and yet i see 9 children per week entering the “Looked after system” in my area alone and yet cut backs on experienced foster carers up and down the country will only back fire on the Conservative government.
    The future of any nation are its children and yet i see cut backs in training and massive youth unemployment,I asked at a meeting recently if it was possible to employ all the kids who have left school and living rough or struggling financially to be trined in a trade the area needs, Plumbers, Painters, Welders etc……..I was laughed at but the costs in the future will indeed be far more than we can ever imagine.

    Sorry for the long winded reply

    Mr & Mrs Armatige Liverpool England

  • 153. sevda  |  September 15, 2012 at 9:28 am

    i am a 38 year old single woman who is considering bringing a young person into my life to love and nurture for. Although i am seriosly considering fostering a child long term i, the thought of having to return a child back to the bioparents is discouraging me. what are my chances of getting a child of getting a child on a longer placement with goal to adopt him/her in the long run, your feedback is appreciated. By the way , the rule about no pets is fuckin, for obvious reasons that is, animals can give families so much joy. 🙂

    • 154. Erica  |  September 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm


      Coming from a person that does foster care….you can’t start FOSTER care with the intention of adopting the child. The original and only intention of foster care is to re-unite a child with their bio-family. Obviously, case-plans change from return-to-parent to adoption. If you don’t want to go through the pain of seeing a child return to a parent that doesn’t succeed, then you should choose adoption. If you do foster care long enough then you will get an opportunity to adopt a child that you foster, but I encourage you to look into adoption if that is the final destination that you desire. Foster care is very gratifying and rewarding thing to do…I love it. I encourage you to really ask your self whether you could handle sending a child back to their family. It is very hard….just don’t go into foster care with the intention of adopting a child you foster. There is a good chance that won’t happen, and it is very heart-breaking if you have that mindset. I completely encourage you to foster/adopt if you feel it is for you, but just make sure you put thought into it. 🙂

      • 155. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:43 pm

        Actually, in my state, they have a foster-to-adopt program where you only foster adoptable kids. They still have to be in your home for 6 months before things can be finalized, but it is an option.

      • 156. Lorynn  |  May 11, 2015 at 10:49 pm

        I am also wanting to foster and would love to “foster adopt” if the opportunity arises. I understand my role is to give the child a ‘parent-role’ in a loving stable home until the parents get it together. But adoption is a secret dream of mine if I can. If not, then hopefully, these babies and I will be forever friends when they grow up, we’ll still be in touch. Anyway, my question is, let’s say a child goes up for adoption which I have in my home and I want her. Is there a fee to adopt this foster? If so, how much does it typically run? And what are the procedures to adopt? I mean, how much more investigating and things do they do? I have nothing to hide, but curious what all they will be gathering, doing or why this all takes so long. Thanks in advance.

  • 157. sadness mama  |  September 16, 2012 at 9:10 pm

    My children were recently taken into foster care, i left them home with a babysitter while me and my fiance went shopping, We needed to get cleaning supplies and bought a few things for the kids, when we returned police were banging at our door….no babysitter, youngest screaming his head off , well i had not done my daily cleaning for the day, floors not mopped, dishes in the sink,(hello getting cleaning supplies to clean properly) and i was sorting papers in my bedroom so my bedroom was a mess. the police came in, my youngest had ripped off his diaper and threw it at the wall leaving a smear mark on the wall of you guessed it feces…..we had a bug problem so i threw out the bedroom furniture as both our bed and their beds were infested with bed bugs (apartment next door brought bugs, management sprayed there apt but failed to warn us or spray our apt) , thought i was doing the right thing by throwing out.furniture my children due to the bed bugs had rashes. well the police did not allow us to move, leaving my children to run a mok, youngest threw a toy down the toilet while we waited for des i went to use the bathroom without knowing what happened, so my toilet over flowed.with urine and tp….have not seen my children for 13 days. i did not leave them home alone, 99 % of the time my home is spotless we ran out of cleaning supplies, can’t clean without doing it properly right? We had trusted the babysitter since my youngest was born without a hitch….never will trust anyone with my children again. the police were responding to a dmv dispute next door and heard my son screaming, , well they peaked in the window and saw him naked. i and my fiance are automatically sh#@t parent because my home was less then spotless and the babysitter ditched my kids . for those who think all children brought into care are beaten and abused etc….no, i had ordered new furniture for my children due in the month, furniture that would not have crevices for nasty bed bugs to crawl into.exterminator due this monday , pantry’s stocked, clothes bursting out of the closet, medical apts, made and done, vaccines up to date, my oldest has autism….they are blaming it on us, wonderful the ignorance of des. yes we chose for our son to have autism . sarcasm aside, reading some of the comments…..and the things you view as “stupid” guess what , my rights havent been terminated, my sons have long hair, you know why? because when they reach kindergarten it will be cut and donated to locks of love , an organization that makes wig’s for children with cancer . They are in your care for a short time, and at any time can be removed and put in new placement they are not your children, you are getting paid to have them in your home, and when they are returned to the parents will resume their way of life, not yours. Do you realize how traumatic it is for children? from going to a catholic church to a baptist church, from having mommy and daddy sing to you while bathing you, to having a stranger bath you. realize how traumatic it is for me to have my children ripped from me, and everything is my “fault” i shouldn’t have left them with a babysitter….so snatch them from me and put them with strangers? My children are my life, my fiances life, we sacrifice to ensure they have everything they need AND want. And in the end even if we do EVERYTHING they ask of us, it is still up to the judge to deem reunification appropriate…at any time, i miss one court date, one thing they are having me do my rights are terminated, it is assumed i waived my right…..i have six months for my two youngest to get them back, and 1 year for my oldest or they will be adopted off and my rights terminated, the area i live in, programs are flooded, cps case workers are over burdened with huge case loads, court systems flooded, there is a damn waiting list for the things they wish me to do, my children are far from me so visitation is less likely. time is ticking, the longer they are in care, the less likely i will get them back, but i remain hope full they will be returned soon, we are going to court in october to fight the false allegations, the des workers have made false claims that our home was filthy, that my children were covered in feces.and so was the room, my youngest took off his diaper and flung it at the wall leaving a small smear mark, none of them had feces on them…not so and there is proof taken by the police in the form of photos, they also say we neglect them medically hah!!! tons of proof against that too. . for all the idiots who think all parents who have there children taken deserve it, wake up, could be you one day. could be someone you love or care about that you know fully are wonderful parents, many rules i agree with, however cutting hair is not one of them. foster children sitting in the back..yes the back seat is the safest, air bags can kill or cause serious harm to the child in care…makes des liable for damages.and if a child is harmed in care..well that gives parents the right to sue. records….don’t agree with that. required case loads….yes they should have a limited amount of case loads, ever des worker in my state has 60 cases or more, they mix up the cases, hence why i have some false allegations in my case…they mixed up one case with mine (all my children are under five, yet somehow i have a 17 year old now?) we don’t drink or do drugs, yet they are stating we are going through drug classes and have addictions……des workers can only handle so much, they would better serve the children in care if they had appropriate case loads, 12 is a proper case load number, over that is insane. and nothing will get done both for the parents, and the children, you foster parents wonder why parents aren’t dong anything…remember des has to issue them things to do, yet never have the time to do so. there are only 162 des workers in my county , there are over 7456 children in care in my county, do the math thats 46 children per case worker, sometimes one case has multiple children….there needs to be limits , ill be damned i lose my children because case workers mixed up cases, or didn’t have the time to work with me. be damned if i am not allowed to see my kids because there is no time to set up visitation or the foster parents are too “busy” to be bothered., my children all three, are far from me, two are in one foster home, the other in another. both foster family’s work, both foster familys have children of there own, AND other foster kids. all children are in other county’s because there is only 162 foster homes in my county that are all full. 2 of my children are in one county in the same home the other one is in another…..so frustrated, and getting any info from the des worker on what i have to do is like pulling teeth, he updated me at the last minute about the court hearing we had to go to last week, we were lucky to make it. yes they may have been in care a short time 13 days, but i wan’t the ball rolling, i keep being told i will see them in the week, well two weeks and no word about visitation except they are trying to work it out with the foster parents, not my fault the foster parents took on more then they can chew , sorry for babbling on, but some foster parents need to realize that while they may be going through things taking care of the children, the parents are put through heavy burdens and hoops, the heartbreaking thought of not seeing your children ever again is crippling. the waiting game parents go through it too, they also go through a lot of BS. read any foster parent booklet, you should be fostering reunification efforts not diminishing them, and 9 times out of 10 you won’t be able to adopt the children placed with you and they may be removed at ANY time. Reunification is the ultimate goal of any child care worker whether des, cps, dhs, many people forget that who foster, these children are in your care you are getting funding to take care of them, you wouldn’t get funding for your own biological children outside of tanf,and child support and at any time may be returned to there parents. you goal should not be adoption unless the children’s parents rights are terminated. yes you get attached, how could you not, but the likely hood of continuing a relationship with children who have been returned is slim to none, That is why there are rules for fostering children…you can’t cut someones hair who you are babysitting can’t put earrings in the ear either , and foster care is very much like babysitting, babysitters take children to doctors appts, etc too. these rules not only protect parents rights, but protect children’s rights as well, my children are not circumcised , all hell would break loose if they returned missing there foreskin, i left it up to them if they wanted to be circumcised , shouldn’t be up to the foster parents to lop off the skin because of there religious beliefs, or not wanting to deal with cleaning. i am upset my children are all going to churches that don’t coincide with there religion,, views being forced on them already.. times ticking, hopefully i get my children back. prayers.

    • 158. Joshua S.  |  November 8, 2012 at 6:49 am

      You sound batty. I fully believe your children do not belong in such a crazy household. Let me get your story straight… Next door apt had bed bugs they brought in, which infested your apt. You then threw out all the furniture. You hired a babysitter so you could go buy cleaning supplies in order to clean an otherwise spotless house. The babysitter left, the kid threw poop on the wall, you flooded urine all in your bathroom because you failed to see a toy in the toilet. And on this most atrocious day, the police so happened to be in the area unrelated when they came upon your neglected children. Your children need a stable home, one where the parental figures lives them and TAKES CARE of them. In my book, you lise your rights as a parent when you are this stupid. When foster parents care more about your own kids’ welfare than you do, I think they deserve the right to cut the kids hair and look forward to adoption. You’ve managed to be a screw up this far along in life… What’s going to change enough to justify reunification?

      • 159. fucklifecompletely  |  August 26, 2013 at 1:42 am

        Joshua s.

        I pray to god if u have any kids that they be taken from u for a small reason. Becuz honestly they did take her kids for no reason. An it wasn’t right.

        • 160. Raychel  |  October 10, 2014 at 10:54 pm

          LoL. I agree with the ‘batty’ comment. She says the kids are her world but says she left them with a babysitter just to go shopping – that would be in the daytime then? Who does that, babysitters are for for when you are going out at night, and you’d make sure you got one who wasn’t going to leave before you hired them. And if a baby is able to take its diaper off and throw it then it was not on properly to start with. And if bed bugs have been around so long that the kids have multiple rashes then that is neglect. She says she is upset that the kids are having views forced on them because they are going to the wrong church – so they views forced on them at the ‘right church’ are okay then? Plus the length of the post you can tell she is suffering from anxiety and can’t concentrate – not good enough when you have 3 children to look after. No wonder the kids were taken, some people really have no idea.

          • 161. elyse  |  November 30, 2014 at 2:12 am

            I’m a babysitter and I’ve done it many times for parents while they go out shopping. Sometimes I take the kids and run errands for mom while she cleans at home. They love their kids fiercely. Sometimes they just need extra time to get things done without distraction.
            As for the religions, its not for you to decide whether kids should be exposed to it or not. The Foster care system is supposed to reunite the children with their parents. You wouldn’t want someone to mold your child beliefs that go against your own.
            And any parent would be anxious if their children were taken from them.

    • 162. Sarah  |  November 14, 2012 at 7:37 pm

      I’m sorry the system can be broken at times. The social workers took your children because a series of unfortunate events. From their eyes your children were abandoned, had rashes and were in an unclean living enviroment. I hope you get them back because you sound like you care for your kids a lot. Kids need good parents. Don’t miss court dates and fill out every piece of paper that comes your way and every class that is required. Keep documents of everything. Your kids will be proud of how you fought for them. And when you get them back you can start the healing process and hopefully close this chapter of your life.

    • 163. michelle  |  November 20, 2012 at 2:43 am

      sorry to hear for you lose and hope it works out for you.. But just a FYI I have 3 foster kids they are my god kids I don’t get but 71 bucks a mth for the 3 of them so for you to make it sound like they get paid a lot to take care of your kids is not always right.. there are such thing as lic and unlic foster and kinship and so forth and yes it is hard for you and the kids but it is also hard for the foster they are the one s that are there trying to help make the kids happy so they are not crying 24/7 they are the ones that have to deal with it you have a break down yes and kids do to they are not your babysitter and and we are not allowed to push are religious belifes on them I know what the 3 I have belive in and I do all I can to make them feel at home and as a foster yes they do get there hopes up just like you they are told that they are trying to put the familys back with each other but then telling them that they need to start on adoption -plans.. SO yes they get there hopes up and they get atattched but sorry there are a lot of us out here doing it to try to make the kids happy not for you or the state but for the kids..so to see you rant about the foster parten make me upset you don’t know we have to go threw alt the frist 1mth is dr.s apt therpy and to get the kids to feel better abgout where they are and the courts have to tell cps what the visits are so it is a lot it don’t just happen in a week they wait also so if I was you I would not be taken it out on the foster parents they are there trying to help not get treated like your baby sitter and made to feel like they are trying to take your kids it is not them THEY ARE THERE TO HELP we have to jump threw hoops to.. and we are not the ones that had the kids taken from us we just tried to help while thangs get put back and we always get a ruff end of the deal I wanted to get lic. to be a foster mom but after the 3 I have go back to there mom and I have had them almost a 1yr I am done. ppl like you make it hard to be ther to take care of kids ppl like you trying to make it sound like foster moms and stuff are trying to keep your kids and take it out on them is why YES if it comes to it I would adopt the kids I have or any I love kids and it has nothen to do with there family we have talked about it and yes I would not make it where they could not contact there kids. BUT 71 buck a mth for a 3yr 4 yr and a 7yr is not a lot so think before you judge us.. w deal with case workers changing like the wind always going over the same stuff upsetting the kids over again. it is hard at times but I will say that this was my frist time and last but will never forget the fun we had camping and fishing and taken to do thangs they never got to do before

    • 164. Ali-Y  |  December 21, 2012 at 2:44 pm

      I would request a CASA if they have a program in your area.

      Our first foster placement was reunited with their mother. They were placed with us as legal risk. CPS was going to try to terminate rights at the next hearing. I gave the bio mom our Google Voice number and an email just for her to contact about her kids after getting approval from CPS. We pushed CPS to move forward with visits and phone calls. Mom or grandmother called every night while the kids were in our care. I kept her informed of all doctor visits and sent her pictures regularly.

      Fortunately, the kids had a CASA who demanded all the adults involved (CPS, Ad Litem attorney, case workers) and discuss the case. I also kept her informed. Throughout the process, I felt like the case worker was the only one pushing for termination. If not for the CASA, these kids may still be stuck in the system.

      Our second foster placement was able to move into kinship care. Again, we gave her the phone and email info. Mom called daily. We always had good visits. Mom always brought toys, clothes, milk, foods, diapers and other items for her child at the visits. When this child had been initially placed with us, the case worker told us that Mom probably had “no idea her child was going to get taken away” from her. This infuriated me. Isn’t that CPS’s job? There was no CASA but eventually a new case worker was involved. As adults, we worked together to make sure the transition worked well. The child was eventually able to move in with her grandmother and then back with Mom.

      As a foster parent, I have had to quit my job. Between doctor visits, therapies, CPS visits, agency visits, bio visits, and regular activities, I could not be able to work full or part time. The subsidy we receive isn’t even a week’s wages for me. This is why I hate hearing people accuse all of us as doing it for the money. After purchasing a new wardrobe (each child has to have a minimum number of each type of clothing), diapers, food, toys, books, photos & albums, school supplies, gas for bio visits (some 3 hours away), and sometimes child care- it is a net loss financially.

      There are good and bad people on all sides of the system. I get tired of the people always asking, “How can you give them back to their parent(s)? They don’t deserve them!” My reply is always the same, “CPS can take anyone’s child. You know nothing about this kid’s parents, what they are going through, or how they came into care. If you think you are immune, think again!”

      And to the people who think we foster for money, you really need to look into the costs associated with being a GOOD foster parent. All our temporary kids had plenty of clothes, food, toys, attention, and family contact. I could make more money working full time. Instead, I’m trying to make a difference in a broken system. We would love to adopt, but with our age (30) and “lack” of parenting experience, we are generally discriminated against, especially with teens.

      Keep your head up, do everything they ask and more (if you can). Request a CASA to keep your file accurate and for your children to have a voice in court. The CASA can visit all the homes and sometimes supervise visits between you and your children. Always keep your calm, with whomever you talk to. Get everything in writing. And always CC the supervisor of the case worker if the case worker does not get back to you. Make photo albums for your kids to take with them after your visits, when they start.

      And remember that not all foster parents, bio parents, and CPS workers are the same. Some are great and some are lacking.

      As for the post, I can understand the viewpoint of a child “stuck” in the system. Even after rights are terminated, kids stay “foster” until they are adopted or age out. As such, the kids should not have to get permission to have a pet, drive a car, cut their hair, or any of the other “silly” rules. Many kids who have experienced severe abuse where no judge in their right mind would reunite, should not have to wait years to know they won’t have to go back to abusers. And I completely agree that foster parents not wanting to adopt their foster kids should still teach them basic care (prepping for college, cooking, cleaning, caring for pets, driving, or even balancing a checkbook) before they age out.

      Our system has a lot of flaws. Thank you LT for providing a your unique view that many of us have never experienced & sometimes overlook.

      • 165. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:54 pm

        I have been considering becoming a CASA volunteer… I think you just pushed me over to the I am going to do it side! Thanks!!!

        • 166. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:21 am

          Yes, please do it. As a FP, you have to fight for what’s right for these kids. It’s like beating your head against the wall when the agency is operating from a commodity business model (treating kids as numbers) and you are trying to get them the help they need. I have only recently learned what CASA does and the CASA volunteer has been able to succeed where I have failed. It is because the CASA is independent of the agency and social services. I wish I knew this earlier. I wish all the kids who’ve been in my home had CASAs, because so many were pushed around to the benefit of the agency, not the child.

          When I say “agency”, I mean the agency that is contracted by they county’s department of social services to manage the kids on behalf of the county.

    • 167. juliet  |  February 15, 2013 at 1:58 am

      all you are saying it’s unbelievable. i’m sorry they took the kids away from you but i really really hope that could be a lesson for u. your story doesn’t add up starting from the spotless house. i’m crazy about cleaning my house every day and i buy cleaners long way before they finished. sorry but your story is not true. don’t want to mention the rest. i’m pretty sure you know the rest of the real story

  • 168. christina  |  September 26, 2012 at 3:38 am

    Its sad that there r so many bad fosterhomes and so many stupid rules. As for caseworkers I think they start out meaning well just get burned out quick

  • 169. Mrs S  |  September 28, 2012 at 11:14 am

    Thank you so very much for a wonderful piece of writing! My husband and I have been actively looking into becoming foster parents and I am finding a number of rules and regulations that are dismaying and off putting to potential FPs. We have inquired about setting up an airtight trust fund in which we planned to put the child’s monthly stipend into (looking forward to the possibility that the child may age out of the system) and paying for the child’s needs ourselves and were told flat out “no”. Our home was nit picked to the nth degree and we were told that pretty much everything needed to be locked up (obviously rx medications should and in fact we already do that, but non toxic, all natural, organic cleaners, really?). Ultimately we were turned down because I have ADD (even though I am medicated and attend therapy religiously)…who better to deal with a child who has ADHD/ADD than a parent who has lived with it and innately understands the challenges, work, & tricks involved with overcoming it?

    It is sad that there are parents who had successfully raised children and who want nothing more than to give kids who desperately need it a hand up who cannot become FPs due to ridiculous rules when people who do it for the money or to augment their income get approved right and left. I recently looked at a home for sale where the owner is a FP and I found the living conditions revolting and when she spoke about her reasons for becoming one it churned my stomach (I actually did call the county about it afterwards). Yet here my husband and I are, wanting to do the right thing and hitting every brick wall there is. It’s sad and the system needs to be changed something dreadful.

  • 170. Brianna Braswell  |  September 28, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    i effin love you for writing this

  • 171. raeanna  |  September 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    does anyone know if there is a rule aginst dating if you are in foster care?

    • 172. Breana Russell  |  November 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm

      Im pretty sure that as long as you aren’t breaking any laws then it is fine. Whether or not you can see them unsupervised is up to your case worker and what not..

  • 173. Mary  |  October 4, 2012 at 9:31 am

    Your points are very well written and backed up with excellent examples. My family used to work in a group home and saw every single one of these issues!! When we left, all of our “original” children had been placed over the years except one. When we started the adoption process for her, the judge made a new “rule” that the child had to stay within her own culture. Seriously????? We never did get her, but we heard rumors that she was placed with a very good family. The hardest thing as a FP is not having contact with the kids who leave. Just knowing that they are okay…….

  • 174. Monet  |  October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm

    Hi there

    I’ve been considering becoming a foster parent as of late. I’m a young single woman and while I may or may not have children of my own one day, I want to give stability and love to a young child who has never had any of that. I live in California, and thankfully, the laws regarding foster care are pretty lenient in terms of who can or cannot adopt. No real “prejudices” exist as to who can foster. So if you’re single, married, partnered, older, young (you must be at least 21 years), divorced, living in a home, apartment, mobile home, even if you’re unemployed. So long as you can provide stability to a child (and obviously you must have SOME income), then you can adopt. I know it sounds desperate, and maybe it is, for California to be so lenient, BUT, I think having a one-on-one relationship with a child will benefit that child much more so than being a number in a group home. So while I haven’t actually started the process (in terms of paper work, meeting with a social worker), I have done a lot of “thinking about it”, weighing the pros and cons, research, etc. I want to give a small child a chance at life when they might otherwise not have that chance if I don’t step in and “rescue” them. I know my life will drastically change if I do indeed become a foster parent. Meaning, no late night dinner with friends since that child will need to go to bed early for school, no just taking off on a weekend trip with friends because now there is a small child, etc. I don’t party so my social life will not drastically change and I’m a pretty avid church goer and my social circle consists of mainly my church family, and a friend of mine and her husband are in the process of becoming a foster parent, so if I did become a foster parent, I would have their support and understanding.

    Anyway, I enjoyed reading your blog…I know these children want love just like you wanted…and I’m ready to give love to a child.

    • 175. KK  |  December 17, 2012 at 12:47 am

      Be Careful, my husband and I are in the middle of fostering to adopt and I’ll worn you having the responsibility of a small child on your own is huge. Taking in a foster child also means having to deal with a lot of outsiders while you really need to be focusing on your new child. The worst part of fostering to adopt or just fostering are the adults. The bio parents seem to try and involve everyone in their dramas, right down to requesting you return clothes they may have bought for the child even before the child came to live with you. Expect drama, the children are great, think long and hard before doing this alone. I know I’ve needed a partner in this adventure.

    • 176. Tonya  |  January 2, 2013 at 3:44 am

      I became a foster parent 8 years ago as a “single mother.” I was 25 never married no biological children. I knew I wanted to let a child out there know there are people that love you and want the best for you and won’t hurt you. I am now married and we adopted the first foster child placed with me a little before we were married a year. My oldest and first foster child is now my “adopted” daughter of almost 7 years and we celebrated 12/19/12 as my 8th year as her mom. She is now 15 and quite a handful, but well worth it. We also have a sibling group of 4 we are in the process of adopting. While the struggles are different, please never let any one tell you it can;t be done. Trust God and follow your heart there is a boy or girl out there that needs you!

  • 177. Liz Kitch  |  October 18, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    I could make so many comments about these ridiculous and unimaginably stupid rules. Some our different in my state, some the same. We just brought two boys (4 and 7) home this summer and one of the first things they did was to beg for a haircut like my husband’s! (He doesn’t have a cool cut or anything, they just wanted a fresh start and to relate to their new father figure, I think.) I didn’t even bother to check what our state’s law is. We cut away:)
    **Thanks for your openness and transparency. As a foster mom, it helps so much to hear your perspective and experience.

  • 178. James Chase  |  October 18, 2012 at 10:39 pm

    Hello. My name is James. Age 4 until I aged out.
    1969 to 1983.

    • 179. susan  |  January 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm

      Hello James, when you aged-out what kind of support system did you have?

  • 180. Ms jay  |  October 30, 2012 at 9:02 am

    Wow all I can say we have three foster kids that when we took them in this kids had nooooooo manners what so ever chewed like cows in A barnyard hygiene major fuckin issue the county lied saying there normal kids bullshit !!!!!! I had four normal kids I should know what A normal kid is and this kids aint normal to the point were Im going to return them back to the county there mom went awal since she lost them sadly to say this boys lie up the ass

    • 181. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:31 pm

      Wow!!! With that kind of language, it sounds like you were raised with a bunch of sailors, and they actually gave you a child?? You should not be allowed to have any foster children at all. You want to complain about a boy who doesn’t have manners?!! That is the worse thing you can find WOW an unperfect child!!! Imagine that… and they put him with YOU??? Another UNPERFECT HUMAN!!! Wow, how dare they…. When you take him “back to the state”, you tell them why so they can mark your stupid butt off the list…. You need to learn some manners, and get yourself fixed…. Your heart and brain anyways! Weirdo!

    • 182. Mr. E  |  February 6, 2013 at 10:34 pm

      Ms. Jay, Your foster children and their behavior issues are not unusual. Consider that most foster children come from very broken homes, after all, the state does not remove children except for extraordinary circumstances. These children learn, often from their parents, the very worst behaviors. The fact that some children are relatively well behaved coming into the system is a near miracle, considering the conditions they are coming from. Foster parenting can be EXTREMELY challenging sometimes. I would urge you to reconsider your expectations and determine whether or not foster care is for you. If you decide to continue, it is your responsiblity and privilege to help these kiddos become better adults than their parents have been. Wishing you well.

    • 183. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:54 am

      Wow really can’t why are you even on here. What kind of Foster Parent are you? Foster kids are in Foster care for a reason. There has been problems at home. So no some foster kids aren’t normal thats why they are in foster care. Because they weren’t taught normal stuff. I don’t even know how you feel comfortable in talking on this site. Your license should just be voided.

  • 184. Breana Russell  |  November 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

    My name is Breana. I have been in foster care since April 2nd, which is 8 months. I was with the same foster family up until last month. I wanted to stay with them, I got really attached to them and they wanted to keep me, but I have 5 other siblings that are in care with me and they wouldn’t let me stay because I had to stay with my siblings. My siblings and I dont get along. I didn’t want to be stuck with them, and even though I have 5 months until I am 18, the state wont listen to anything I say. I miss my parents and am miserable with my new home. I can’t do anything. My old foster parents trusted me, and let me drive, work, hang out with my friends etc. Foster care is not a happy place, but it can be if you have the right parents. I agree that the rules are stupid. They don’t make sense. The state wants us to grow up to be normal but we can’t do things that normal teens do. A lot of the rules talked about in this article aren’t in place where I live, but a ton of other rules that are as equally dumb are. I pray for strength every day. I tell myself that if I made it through all the horrors that got me put in foster care then I will make it to 18, but everyday has new struggles that don’t seem to end. My foster parents lecture me about my future everyday…I can’t do anything good enough. I try though. Once I am 18 and back with my old foster parents things will be alright. Foster parents are a blessing when they do it for the right reasons, and they care about the kids…the ones that do it for the money just make things worse.

    • 185. LaQuelle  |  December 29, 2012 at 11:35 pm

      Breanna, I am praying for you, and your siblings! I am sorry that you had to move… ugh it just stinks when that happens… Keep your chin up… and know that as long as you are doing your best, than you will be good. Trust in God, follow his ways, and you will always stay on the right track! God Bless you!

    • 186. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:30 am

      I know my message is probably too late for you, but for all the foster kids out there who read this, see about getting a CASA if the state is ignoring you. If your social worker doesn’t get you one at your request, find the local CASA phone number via google. Tell them you’ve asked for a CASA, but it hasn’t happened yet. If you don’t have phone privileges, ask a teacher at school to help you get a CASA. Worst case, they won’t have enough CASAs available. But, sometimes the state is just not bothering to meet your request.

  • 187. Janet  |  November 16, 2012 at 10:34 am

    I’m new to the foster parenting having my first child for 3 months now. We really wanted a smaller child because my husband has no children of his own so we thought he’d do better not having to deal with the typical attitude teenagers have. Plus, the PATH classes scared the crap out of him! We forget she’s not our biological daughter and that she’s only been here 3 months. I have a bio daughter that’s 22(not at home) and she feels like she’s the sibling she’s always wanted. I honestly feel if we had treated our foster daughter differently we wouldn’t have had that bond nor her desire to respect us as parents. We realize there are rules to protect these children but sometimes they get in the way of allowing them to feel like family. She’s pretty open about being in foster care but she still sees other parents treat her differently when they find out. Now, if she wants to do something I do as I would with my bio daughter and never say the word foster when speaking with other parents. I mean, wouldn’t you want to get to know the other people/parents and get their contact info before you send your kids off to stay with them anyway? As far as driving, I couldn’t believe these kids can’t technically get a license. Sure, it’s a little scary as a foster parent to accept all that responsibility but what’s worse is to throw this child out in the world with no driving skills. Not to mention just getting to experience life the same way other kids do. It makes me sick to know there are people out there that just do it for the money! Some of these kids get taken out of their bad homes only to find out they’re in a bad home! They are human and deserve to be treated humanely. As stated before my foster daughter is 16 has a boyfriend and takes good care of herself but wants me to tuck her in and turn off her light at night. It brings joy to my heart and makes me sad at the same time. I’m just glad she finally feels she has a safe place as I wish all children did! I loved seeing the honesty in your post. I hope that life doesn’t find you bitter but stronger for what you’ve had to go through. There are people out there that care even though at times even I wonder where they are. God bless!!

  • 188. shelly  |  November 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    You bring up some very good points and seem to have a logical thinking process. You might consider going into social work yourself. I think you might be very good at it considering you know the ins and outs of the system. I bet you would be a very good influence on the kids and someone to look up to.

  • 189. Cinnamon Thebeau  |  December 5, 2012 at 12:00 am

    I just wanted to let you know that I would like to use some of the information you put on here in a presentation I am doing on Foster care for school.

  • 190. emma  |  December 6, 2012 at 6:16 pm

    i think i was taken by mistake and my perants know becuse they have no baby pictures of me

  • 191. Jackhammer  |  December 11, 2012 at 11:07 pm

    I’m sorry for my little out burst. I have been incredibly stressed. I care about her and love her very much. I want to see her happy. We have a God based relationship and I want to marry her. She is my bestfriend and the light of my life. Without her I’m nothing. It hurts, but I stay strong for her. I want to spend my life with her and I don’t want someone telling us how much we can love eachother. Thank you if you agree and thank you for your time.

  • 192. Abel  |  January 8, 2013 at 12:02 am

    Hi m Abel Maphanga here I was just askin abw the foster care grant that my brother has gona through since 2010

  • 193. SPud Farley  |  January 28, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    Iam doing a class on the Bill of Rights and Law Enforcement. One of the kids asked if Foster Parents can take a Foster kids money/earnings like natural parents can? We live in California.

  • 194. Sharon  |  January 31, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    I enjoyed your blog. We are in the process of becoming foster/adopt parents to a child we have through kinship. This has been a disaster. C was born drug addicted they allowed mom to take C home to stay with other family but removed C within a week. Father did not believe C was his plus he was/is drug addict as well. We were trying to get C as soon as they removed him not having any idea how bad C mom was. We spent 3 months jumping through hoops and an hour before we were to take C home, it was decided C was better off in foster care. Forward a year later mom works plan sorta, get a phone call from her asking why so hard? I had no idea she got C back. Within 2 weeks C in hospital. System calls us again and We have decided we would do whatever was needed so C would not be stuck in system. System made us jump through hell before getting C. We should be legal fosters soon, but court still has not TPR- mom absent last 6 months dad just wants pictures never was drug tested. Very frustrating to say the least. The System needs a lot of work. One problem I see is the reunification seems to take precedence over what is best for child. We should not be coming up on C’s 2 birthday when C has spent less then 30 days with mom. There are too many CW’s and Supers, and Super Supers who take too many government holidays and seem to only get something done when its emergent. Attitudes of we know all do not help, like there are not other college educated people in the world. Ok some are very nice. The foster parent process should be more transparent- we never know what is going to happen, what is going to get lost. No one explained the IRS issues with us, since we only had C 4 months last year C is considered a charitable donation. Well it would have been nice to know that we should keep receipts. Some monetary help for kinship would be nice even if it was just for clothes. The haircut thing is true for us as well, it is crazy,all of your points are right on. It was nice to read from a former foster. Thank you.

  • 195. kellers  |  January 31, 2013 at 9:42 pm

    I was hoping to use this article in a paper I’m writing about ageism in the foster care system.

    I was hope to make the argument that how the foster care inappropriately treats kids (kinda around 15 and up) who are growing up in the system like little children with no personal say- bioparents’, caseworkers’, judges’ and even foster parents’ (who I’m learning don’t have much latitude) decisions override 2) giving no responsibilities and an overall restricted life of what they can do and who they can talk to. Finally how this really puts these kids in a bad place once they age out of the system.
    Your article would be vital because it gives a voice to the kids who are actually affected by it.

    Would that be okay?

    (Also if you have any thoughts on my paper topic, that would be really appreciated) 🙂

  • 196. blackbeauty4173  |  February 15, 2013 at 12:47 am

    Hello everyone,
    I am currently a foster/adoptive parent. I have a 9 month old. I’ve had him since he was 4 days old. He is do to go to his mom in May is what I’m told by the Dyfs worker. The baby was born cocaine, nictine, and caffeine addicted. He has an OT( Occupational Therapist) and PT(Physical Therapy). The mom was high when she gave birth to him and the father was in jail. Mom went to jail afterwards. Mom came out of jail and was supposed to report to the Dyfs worker ASAP but did not report until about 2 wks. later. She was put into a Rehab for 3 mos. She will be gettin out in March and will be out and about for 2 mos. until the mommy program starts and then Dyfs will allow her to take the baby with her while she’s in the program. Mom has to other children that she doesn’t have nor has custody of them. Dad just got out of jail and he’s in a Rehab and hasn’t seen the baby at all. Dad also has 2 kids as well outside all this. Dyfs told me that mom would have to prove herself in order to get the baby back. To me that means go through whatever programs that’s necessary. Get out of the program and go to outpatient, get a job and a place to live. Get stable so your ready for the baby. Living in in-patient is not the same as living on your own which she would eventually have to do. I feel that giving her the baby now is playing Russian Roulette. Why play with a child’s life like that especially a baby who can not speak for him/herself? Dyfs makes so many mistakes with these children. It’s really sad. I love all the little ones that have come through my home. I am do to move soon to get a bigger place so I am able to provide for the little ones. You know some people do this for the money and that’s so sad really. I have a big heart and a big family and we’re like that little village, we work together on raising our children. All the foster children who have come my way have a family here no matter what. I will always be that mommy to them, my mom will always be grandmom, my Aunt Aunty and so forth. There’s alot of love and I’m going to miss my little man as will all my family. Dyfs doesn’t see the importance of a stable and lovely household/ Village. Their concerns is of the parents not the children. This hurts my heart and makes me question why I decided to foster but then I realize how I love each and everyone of these children and by god I will keep pushing some how.

    • 197. Madalyn  |  February 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Is there anyone else in the baby’s bio family who is decent and wants to raise him? I believe the bio family should have a say so also. I agree about the bio parents and the system does not use common sense. Although, the system has taken my nephew and placed him in foster care straight from the hospital knowing I was a proper placement. So, keep in mind the DSS workers may be lying about other options or family members who want the child to remain in the family, not necessarily with the bio family. DSS loves the money and maintains their positions, jobs. Virginia is the worst!

      • 198. Tanya Clark Powers  |  March 4, 2013 at 8:44 pm

        Are you out of state? I know it takes A LONG time for ICPC to go through, no excuse, but still a fact. It is much easier for relatives in state. I would recommend researching and contacting public officials in the county with “your story”.

      • 199. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 8:03 am

        Consider contacting your local media and the media in the city the baby was born… You’d be surprised how rialed up those reporters can get the state and make things happen.

      • 200. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:42 am

        Here in Utah its called DCFS and they told my cousin when she lost her kids to the state (she is on SSI for learning disabilities and the father was abusive to her not the children she claims and this was back in 1995 )

        Anyhow they promised to send all the family members a letter of request for any of us to take in the children. That did not happen and the Case Worker name was: Trish Hartzell in Ogden, Utah… you can google her she isn’t hard to find. At the time this happened I wouldn’t of been much help I was a young mother and lived in Texas and I really didn’t know what was happening till I moved back to Utah.

        Anyhow its really said to hear these stories. Especially when my Grandma & pa were Foster Parents … mostly Grandma… I live with her for the school year and she doesn’t let you get away with anything but, she made me an A Student within a few months.

        I go off subject alot but, this just is so sad I don’t even know what to say other than when my children (17 & 20) feel like its time to become adults and move out I am going to do foster care as this has always been a goal I wanted in my life. The system sucks but there are opportunities out there.

        I made a big mistake in my teenage life of 17 years old. I left home so I didn’t have to deal with my strict Dad I moved into my Girlfriend house when that didn’t work I than moved in with my bio-logical Dad that was a drunk & drug addict. To living with a Aunt & Uncle with 2 small children living in the front room of my Uncles Brothers 1 bedroom apartment that he shared with his wife and baby. Talk about big mistake I went from home to crap to crappier crap to more crap…. should of listen to my Dad he was strict for a reason and warned me if I left I wouldn’t come back to live. And thats exactly what happened.

        Grandma to the Rescue she gave me a call and told me all about Job Corps. She had my parents make an appointment to go meet with one of the people that help you. Anyhow so we went to the office made an appointment to go see the facilities. It was scary kind of like a new school all over again. But for some reason it felt right and I knew this was a life choice. And I choose to prove my Dad wrong that I was going to make something of myself and I did and now I make 40,000.00 a year because I learned from Job Corp about life and decisions. They make you responsible for your self …

        I hope one day when I am a foster parent I can help my foster children like my Grandma become young adults. And to strive to be a better person and successful too. I don’t know where I would be if my Grandma wasn’t a foster Mom because she knew everything about being a teen in this day and age.

        email me if you would like – cdringl@gmail.com

    • 201. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 5:21 am

      Wow I have always heard this type of story backwards. Here in Utah it doesn’t seem to be that way. I am just shocked this is such a sad story !!!!

  • 202. Fani  |  February 15, 2013 at 10:03 am

    Hi, I totally aggre with you on everything… I have a question. Did you get your Records??

  • 203. Ashley Meyers  |  February 17, 2013 at 9:47 pm

    I’m a foster care child and have been since last February 1st. During that time I turned 18 and am living in the Independent Living program. I’m having MAJOR problems with the system, as they promised all these good things, like how they’d pay for college and whatnot, but since I came to CNU they haven’t paid anything for it and I have about 20$ of loans to pay off for my first year alone. I’m doing an evaluation of something for my English class and, of course, chose foster care. I read your article, and the copyright notice that says to let you know if you use it, so I am. If it’s okay, I’m going to use a quote or two from your article – with correct citation of course! I agree with nearly everything you wrote, and I also agree with many of the comments written. The system needs to be changed. They also have had a strangle-hold on me, not even allowing me to keep a bank account without giving them in-detail bank and budget statements (just an example). This article will help a lot to give information and a good voice to my paper, and I hope that you do well in life, despite all the hardships I know you’ve probably had.
    I Understand.

  • 204. Dawn  |  February 18, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Is it possible that I talk to you more behind the scenes? I am wanting to write a book on foster care (I am currently a foster mom) and love hearing your candid points. You are wonderful for sharing your story and you are so right… the entire system is a disaster. Please let me know if you are willing to talk more sometime. Thanks for being so strong and bold and speaking out.

  • 205. jasemerald  |  February 18, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    Thanks for giving the other side of the coin. Very eye opening. I will be following your blog. I am foster turned adoptive mom. My license is closed but I am filling out the paperwork to become a CASA. Good luck to you.

    • 206. Madalyn  |  February 21, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      As an adoptive mom, can I ask? How old is your child, race and what state? Do you allow any of the bio relatives to be involved? I despise the system! I’ve been trying to get my 15 year old niece out. I have no record. It’s horrible trying to work with VA DSS. I should mention their are 4 children involved from my sister. I do not want to lose my family! VA wants to give them all away via adoption when we our a good family, don’t have contact with their mother and have been active in reporting the abuse and neglect and here to love and support the, without any public funding. What makes a foster parent a better placement? Specifically, what made you a better option than bio family? We’re they not interested?

  • 207. siera  |  February 19, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    I’ve been fighting the system for two year. I’m 17 and I have four months til I’m 18. I have a five month old daughter. According to law, I’m considered an adult at 17 if I have a child. They told me since I’m in dcfs, I don’t have the same rights. since I was 15, I have been doing everything in my power to get out and no matter what I try, who I get involved, no matter how many times I run, they refuse to give me the major decisions in my life. Today I got refused once again for a placement that passed all their tests. They didn’t give me a reason. Just said no. Only four months to go.

  • 208. teresa  |  February 21, 2013 at 4:48 pm

    I was in foster care in the 80s i was 12 then i lived with a family that allowed their 12year old to smoke csd. Was ok with this, i started smoking, my foster parents bought my smokes, after leaving there i was placed in a residential facility….lock up……. no i didnt do anything wrong i was concidered maature for my age and they couldnt place me, anyway in lock up the state ran juvinial facility gave me smokes if i was good, it was against the law to buy smokes if under 18, so here i was locked up for no crime getting smokes from them which is a crime…. Funny isnt it.. Anyway im 44 now still smoke with the lungs of an 80yr old i still think about suing them hell they were supposed to protect me not teach me bad shit my mom could have done that…

  • 209. Allison Yost  |  February 22, 2013 at 5:32 am

    Thank you for pointing these things out for people that don’t understand the foster care program. I agree with you on your points about the ridiculous rules. What I still don’t understand is WHY do kids keep getting moved to and from multiple foster homes? This doesn’t make any sense to me, but maybe someone could explain it. I officially become a CASA next week, I am so excited to start. I am really confused about this foster care system though. I would appreciate any insight. I am going to be an awesome CASA!!! No kid should have to go through all this s*** alone.

    • 210. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 2:47 am

      In my experience as a FP (with just one private agency), 50% of the moves are for convenience of the foster agency business. A kid may be in a certain type (level) of home and another kid needs that level, so they move one kid to make a place for another. Private agencies are contracted for a certain number of beds at each level. Private agencies tend to take the difficult kids and the county handles the easy ones. I imagine this same scenario is true for placements directly in county (non-private agency), i.e., the county has budgeted for X number of kids in each type of slot.

      Second reason for moving is that foster parents are unable to care for a child. A child, especially one with early years neglect, can be incredibly hard to handle, even for very experienced FPs. And then you have FPs with less experience and they request a move because they are not up to the task. Before anyone bashes on FPs, when a kid is being aggressive towards you, like biting or hitting, only a few will be able to handle kids doing this. Kids with histories of sexual abuse often act out and sexually abuse younger kids in the home, so this can be a reason to request a move (or the county moves them because this is a huge liability to traumatize another child). Many reasons, really.

      But, don’t jump to the conclusion that the child is bad or really awful in behavior. It is because of the original abuse and the moves that kids act out. And many FPs didn’t expect such a difficult experience, with each having their own level of tolerance.

      Another thing that happens is kids are getting suspended from school a lot, because they are traumatized from the past and moving into a new home (scary). A difficult scenario when trying to keep your job to support the family.

      First you go into emergency care, then maybe to a few relatives, then to a foster home. How is a child to be stable in this scenario?

      • 211. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:53 pm

        Adding to this, we just had to remove an 11 year-old from our home, because she was extremely sexually aggressive toward my husband. It didn’t matter to her whether there were other people in the room or not. Along with liability issues, that was not something we could accept in our home.

      • 212. Linka  |  September 6, 2014 at 1:26 am

        Leslie, I work for a private, not for profit, foster care agency in Ohio. I just want to say that in the almost eight years I have worked with this agency, we have NEVER moved a child from a placement for the convenience of the agency. I am not saying that there are no agencies that do that (I know there are-I worked for one once-and left it because they didn’t “match” kids to homes, just put them where ever there was an empty bed). Not every foster care agency is bad, not every foster parent, case worker, etc is bad, but they do make it hard for those of us who aren’t.

  • 213. michele miller  |  February 26, 2013 at 8:07 am

    i am a mother who surrendered her rights . at the time 15 months wasnt enough time to get everything back in order so with a heavy heart i sign my rights over to my boys now they are teenagers and the adoptive parents have sent them to live with me . if it is ok for my children to live with me than why is it ok for the adoptive parents to keep getting the subsidies for my children and not take care of them im on disability and i cant afford my rent because they stopped the rental assistance program i have i cant even get foodstamps for these children meanwhile the adoptive parents go to sleep at night not worrying about where they are gonna sleep while i panic everyday wondering when the eviction notice is coming y is their nothing that can be done about this i am at my whits end is their anybody out there that can help me

    • 214. Angie Dawn  |  March 13, 2013 at 7:56 am

      Michele, call DCS and tell them you need the number for the state’s free legal assistance. I don’t know what state you are in so I can only refer you to do what one would do in Tennessee. There is legal aid available to those who are low-income and or disabled. You need an attorney, I believe.

  • 215. Dale Johnston  |  March 4, 2013 at 2:08 am

    I’m 16 and in alternative relative care against my will. Just two and a half months ago I was with my family and a partner in the family excavating business/farm (you can say I’m too young for that or that I’m lying but both would be false) and was absolutely fine. I worked and got paid, I had vehicles, some savings, tools, livestock, etc. Some was 100% mine and mine only some was shared with other family members. Now I have a dresser of clothes, a tablet computer and $40, also I have no contact to my home not even phone calls and restricted/eliminated internet access because they think I could possibly email my mom, even though they take my word that I won’t use my phone to call. Also if I was to call either of my parents they would be arrested as there was a restraining order filed on my behalf in “my best interest”. Also I was told that I am not to leave my foster home without close supervision even with a driver’s license. I can not be anywhere other than here overnight so seeing friends for the weekend is out of the question unless they were to get a background check on everyone in the house and have a safety inspection done. I’m treated like a prisoner and have lost everything I cared about. This is wrong but everyone tells me I shouldn’t worry about it, I should just “be a kid and enjoy my life and let ‘grown ups’ handle this” too bad the “grown ups” are the ones crippling me and taking my life and by cutting off communication have made it very hard for me to fight against what they are doing to me. My 12 year old sister is with me and has went through the same

    • 216. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:41 am

      I have been a foster parent for many years, so I know a lot about the system and I feel for you. What you describe sounds typical on how things work and it is common that things are not adequately explained. And, some things are just silly ways for things to operate. And the system tends to go with the most cautionary restrictive approach to start with, regardless of whether it even make sense for the situation. The calmer you can be, the easier it will be to get the restrictions loosened.

      It’s really hard to tell what’s going on in your situation without knowing the reason you were moved. Try to make the best of it and ask questions. It is your life and you should at the least understand why certain things are being done and have the chance to voice your opinion, ask questions, get answers, and truly be heard. Also, listen carefully when they do explain, repeating back your understanding of it so you both know the communication was interpreted accurately.

      With that said, one way to keep things feeling a bit better is to focus on school and working towards what want you want in your life after high school. Another is to request a CASA through your social worker, so you have someone who can help you get your questions answered and act as your voice when you’re not being heard. If your social worker doesn’t follow through, make a call to the local CASA organization from school.

      Please know that the experience of running a business will be there with you always and you can succeed as you work through the current situation.

      Consider going about it all by asking questions about what is expected, how it all works, and stuff like that. Generally, this approach works better than focusing on the feeling of being imprisoned and fighting against it. I understand the feeling and need to fight when it doesn’t feel right or is unjust, yet you’re more likely to be dismissed as being aggressive or a problem with a fighting approach. I’m not saying to give up or just give in, but to try an assertive approach and gather the information you need to work through it. One question that comes to my mind is “what is a temporary restriction versus a permanent one?” Another is, “what will it take on my end or your end to change the restriction?”

      If needed, can you ask a teacher or someone to help you assertively communicate? Perhaps some internet research on how to communicate assertively could help. Also, I give this advice as it is something that normally takes many years of adult practice to master getting what you need in the most effective way.

      All the best to you!

  • 217. BlueJay  |  March 4, 2013 at 1:47 pm

    Try being in a home were everyone thinks they are perfect and won’t believe anything you say. A foster home actually. Just because they are adults, doesn’t mean they don’t ever lie.

  • 218. pamela  |  March 19, 2013 at 3:52 pm

    I can totally relate! I was in foster care from age 15 to 18. One of the rules i hated was the no electronics rule. I couldnt have a cell phone, ipod or anything. there was just a radio and a tv in my room, and even then i couldnt watch a dvd or anything. They also kept me in there for three years because they said they couldnt find any substancial evidence that my father was abusing me. even though i went there with bruises all over me especially where he choked me. its seriously the most corrupt system out there

  • 219. Mercedes  |  April 12, 2013 at 2:04 am

    I agree, I’m 16 and they’ve completley ruined my life. now that im an early high school graduate they are getting ready to emancipate me. im not ready for all that and i have no say. it sucks because i have no suppsrt system . also ever since i graduated i was told i cannot go to a university or the school i want to go to. the system encourages kids to graduate and go to college but when it comes to that point they dont pay for you to go to school. Excuse my french but its complete bullshit! I’ve been in 25 homes and im so sick and tired of the system. They’ve never helped me my whole sixteen years. Only my CASA. But im at the point where I cant wait to get out. The worker acts like they cant do anything! For example i have not had a clothing allowance in years. Bullshit. The syste m is another form of slavery. Movies talk about how good the system is but they need to make a movie about all the abuse and neglect we go through

    • 220. Kelly  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:47 am

      You can actually go to any school you want to, when i was in foster care, they told me they would pay for my college, but they only pay for 4 year colleges, and not Universitys or better schools, (it really depends on where you’re from, I live in Illinois, but laws are different in every state). Most jobs reguire you to do more then 4 years of school, but you could either get a loan from the state, which you pay back after you finish school, or you can get a grant which you only have to pay back if yoy fail a class or drop out for any reason. Also foster parents get money for housing you, if they didn’t buy you clothes, what DID they use that money for? I could be anything from drugs to a secret underground porn opperation, alot of people only house foster kids to make money, the more kids they have the more money they have. I know it’s hard, I went through alot also, especially in my teenage years being in foster care, nobody really listens to you, I was in an abusive foster home for almost 2 years cause no one would listen to me, my caseworker was always busy, or my foster parent would sit in on my therapy sessions which for some reason she had the right to do. Anyway my email is (shes_into_star_wars@yahoo.com) It sometimes it gets to the point where you just wanna give up and run away. From experience i know that makes it worse, Please don’t give up, if you need to talk or just need like to vent don’t be afraid to email me. I can’t make things better for you, I want to, i really do, but I can give you hope that it life does get better. Always hold your head high, don’t let anyone dampen your pride. don’t be afraid to email me.

    • 221. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 4:54 am

      I have a little advice if you care to hear. I went to Job Corps (Weber Basin-Job Corps in Utah) And it was the best thing that happened to me. http://www.jobcorps.gov/home.aspx Please look into this…I was in a bad place when I was younger. I went to Job Corps… Just so you know; it offers education yes, college. you live in a dorm. You learn a trade and get certificates… You get on the Job Training… You usually get placed in a Job. And the Counselor will help you find a place to live and helps you to get the best experience possible.

      Message me if you have any questions – cdringl@gmail.com

  • 222. Kelly  |  April 16, 2013 at 2:24 am

    I was in foster care from the age of 14 to 18, I ‘aged out’ is what they called it. As soon as I turned 18, after I finished High School of course. I left the foster parents I was living with, and I went home. One thing I don’t understand is, about less than a year after my siblings and I were taken away, my siblings got to go back home to my mother. I didn’t, my case worker told me it was because I needed more help, but I didn’t get any. I took the same meds for 5 years, these pills messed me up so bad I was literaly leaning up against walls and falling asleep. I almost fell asleep in a pool. No one knew these pills weren’t working because no one asked, I saw a Psyhciatrist maybe 3 or 4 times in those 5 years, and that was within a 5 month period. Also sometimes they just place you without thinking, when I was 17 I was sent to a womans house who was also housing her youngest son, and grand daughter who were both 13-14 at the time. Lets just say this woman actually got her lisense taken AWAY, because of the things she did to me. Molestation, abuse, physical and emotional. I was housed with her for almost 2 years, the reason it took me so long to say something, was because I was scared. I was scared of where I would end up next, I did end up going to another foster parents who weren’t as bad, but also no better, finally as soon as I finished High School I ‘aged out’ I thought there plan for me was bullshit, and it wasn’t what I wanted to do with my life. I’m 26 now, I live with my boyfriend and our beautiful daughter. I wish so bad that I could help every single one of you, it makes me so angry that people would want to treat children like this, I think 15/22 should be a form of neglect, when people sign up to be foster parents, it should be because they want to help homeless, familyless, kids and teenagers alike, not just to adopt a cute little baby. That’s not what it’s about. Older kids need more attention then babies, everyone wants a baby, it’s not hard to find a place for an infant or a toddler. To any older kids who are currently in a foster home, please don’t give up, there is someone out there who wants to actually take care of you, and try to make things better or easier for you, If I had the choice to adopt, which I’m not sure if I can since I was once a ward of the state myself, but if I could, I would adopt the older kids, or any child who has been in alot of homes, or just has had a really hard time. I would never pass up an opritunity to house a teenager, teenagers in the system get alot of crap these days, no one pays attention to them, nobody listens to them, but i want too.

    • 223. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 4:48 am

      Wow, the hell you went through and I am sorry to hear. My grandmother was a awesome Foster Mom strict but fun. Every foster Aunt my Mom got told me her home was better than any other home they were in. And my Grandma Past away just recently and there were some reunions of my foster aunts. And what I can tell you is that my Foster Aunt Crissa she because a Foster Parent as well. So don’t worry you can be a foster parent.

  • 224. Carlinda  |  April 16, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Wow I am amazed by everything said here…

  • 225. Ken  |  April 16, 2013 at 8:36 pm

    Hey, yea wow what a fucked up world we grew up in huh…no, what a fucked up system in a fucked up world. So listen, I grew up in care too, from 7-18 up until I went into college. This ish is really rough. I’m writing a paper, which focuses on identity development in foster care. I really feel like this stuff would help my argument a lot, and be a huge help in my advocacy work in general. I would like to be able to reach you, and anyone else via email actually to talk and talk and talk. But first, may I have your permission to use your blog? I know you requested that we asked before using it. I really hope you won’t mind. I actually want to get involved in the social work, advocate blah blah blah field, but so that I can be a good social worker or whatever. You know, actually make a difference in a child’s life. Does this sound okay? I’m more than willing to tell my story too if you’d like. Thanks!

  • 226. nicole  |  April 25, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    Everyone on this blog has raised good points. As a caseworker, foster parents and CASA need to understand that the county/state has set rules and regulations that we are mandated to follow. orking in the best interest of the child should come first, but caseworkers are “worker bees” and there is a “queen bee” telling you how things should be done. Children should be allowed time to meet with or contact their worker to discuss their concerns issues. How can the worker help if they don’t know what is going on? Also, foster parents and CASA may think that they are doing whats best when they are often times adding fuel to the fire. FP’s should collaborate with parents, and remember that they are “paid professional parents”. The biological parent will always be that childs parent, they may not be able to correct their mistakes, but judging and bad mouthing a bio parent is not good practice. Always remember that it could have been you, and if you had one person to support you things may have been different.

    • 227. Mike Hatz  |  August 20, 2013 at 12:03 pm

      Nicole, thank you for your post. My wife and I went to a connect meeting with the agency that is handling our foster licensing, and the woman who led the meeting (her name was also Nicole) said basically the same thing, that the biological parent is still, and always will be connected with that child, and that one of the worst things that a foster parent could do is badmouth or judge that biological parent for their mistakes and for the actions that they might continue to make, even though the child has already been taken away.

      The agency that we are working with is called Youth for Christ, and her guidance was that we should forgive the parent for their bad choices and pray for them, and try to love them even through the hurt that they caused to the children. Before hearing her say that, I always sort of held resentment toward parents that could abuse their children or be involved with drugs during pregnancy, and yet still be able to have children, when my wife and I are decent people but we couldn’t get pregnant on our own. After hearing that from her, and something very similar from you, it has definitely altered my thought process and helped me to realize that forgiveness truly is the best way. Thank you, Nicole!

  • 228. Danielle Pike  |  April 27, 2013 at 9:39 pm

    Hi there, I am a pre foster child (grew up in childrens homes until I was 12 before being allowed ot move home with my mentally ill mother?!?!) , and now I am an adult with my own children, I am looking into fostering (almost there!!) I live in New Zealand where alot of things are very different. one that surprises me, is the no trampolines, no haircuts, no pets, no single/gay people, HECK most of the rules stated above dont exsist here in NZ. the common rule here, is that foster parents dont have to be perfect, they just have to be good enough. Anyway best to everyone here.

  • 229. Janice  |  April 30, 2013 at 8:16 pm

    I am 37 and I was in and out of the same messed up foster home. We were locked in a canning room for hours, we were bathed in the yard with a water hose, and hit for anything an everything. My sister was raped repeatedly by the “foster dad” who never spoke to us, other than taking my sister into the bathroom. Every time my mom messed up they put us back there. We were told if we said anything me an my sisters would be separated and never see each other again. That tactic worked since all we had were each other. The system really screwed me up. I went back to college after 30 and got my crisis counseling degree to help kids who grew up in my situation and the parents to straighten up for their kids. I graduate in 2 weeks and I am thinking about fostering….. It hurts my heart to read these stories and to know the same bs is going on now as it was 20 years ago… Just know we are all loved by a higher power and I know with Him I would have stayed sane during throughout my childhood. For those of you who wish to foster go for it! Give a kid a shot…

  • 230. Anika Colbert  |  May 1, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    I am 14 years old. I’m in” treatment fostercare” for. anxieity! WTF EVERYONE HAS THAT. I hate how they think of u as a paycheck. i wish i were more then that though… Fuck the system. they could care less “fostercare” there should not be the word care in there at all!!!! I want to run far away but i know they would find me.. or not even vother look.

  • 231. sarah hall  |  May 2, 2013 at 5:49 am

    Witnessed some pretty horrific stuff in foster homes. It’s the sort of stuff you only talk about if you want to be put into a mental institution. I think getting my records would be a huge help to piecing together some of the stuff and finally give me some peace of mind. Does anyone have any idea where to start in California with unsealing foster home records?

    • 232. LooneyTunes  |  May 5, 2013 at 11:31 pm

      hey. i am not from california, but i found this


      the first part is about juvie, BUT the rest is about foster care records. it might help you.

      it said something like in california, the records are destroyed when you turn 28. but i dont know.

      in my state, the fucking records are kept forever, but kept under social service laws. good luck. peace.

    • 233. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:55 am

      I think when you are 16 you are entitled to get a copy of your records. (I am a FP in California and this is what they told me.) I don’t know if it’d be a complete copy, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask. If you have an attorney or CASA you could ask them. Or, just say to your social worker, “I understand California law allows you to get a copy of your records when you turn 16. I would like to get them.” Worst they could do is tell you it’s not true.

  • 234. diesha  |  May 10, 2013 at 1:38 pm

    not being able to go to ah friends house without ah back ground check

  • 235. Leslie  |  May 13, 2013 at 3:58 am

    As a FP, one of the toughest things is not being able to leave a child with a responsible, trusted friend for more than 24 hours (without the background check and at least one first aid/cpr certifications) when there’s an emergency. I have great friends, but they are not willing to do all this.

  • 236. Sean  |  May 24, 2013 at 9:38 am

    Cps takes you from your home and says we want you to have a better life if they wanted us to have a better life why do they take important things away like tools and equipment we can’t even drive till were out of foster care we can’t jump on a trampoline but I agree people get hurt and I’m a Christian and I’m going to be dumped Christian on the street

  • 237. Lorie Radabaugh  |  May 29, 2013 at 9:55 am

    I so agree with everything that is said here, we were foster parents to our 2 great nieces for all but 11 months, and because the mother, who knows how to manipulate the system due to working in the family and services field, could NOT accept the fact, that her children were happy in life without her, helped to have them removed from our home and placed with total strangers, because we were “conflict” in reunifying them with their bio mother…..the only reason she detoxed or entered into rehab, was because she was arrested for public drunkinness and possessing drugs…and her probation officer told her she either committed herself for 6-9 months or she would go to prison……………the only reason the woman called the children the 3 nights a week allotted her, was because her counselor sat her down at the phone, sat with her, and recorded that she called them, for the courts sake………………..I PLAN TO FIGHT TO THE SUPREME COURT IF NEED BE, WITH GOD IN MY CORNER, TO HAVE SOME OF THESE MESSED UP “LAWS” CHANGED FOR THE SANITY OF THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN THAT GET RAN OVER, WHILE THE PARENTS DECIDE WHAT TO DO………ANYONE WISHING TO JOIN ME, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME ON FACEBOOK……………..LORIE WRAPCRAZY RADABAUGH……………THANKS AND GOD BLESS…..

  • 238. bluejuliej  |  June 1, 2013 at 9:05 pm

    My BFF is an awesome foster mom and the rules in her county require *written* permission to leave the county (and the county line is probably 600 feet from her house). Her fosterdaughter got into a really cool magnet arts high school that is, you guessed it, in another county.

    The Authorities wouldn’t grant fosterdaughter permission to attend Magnet Arts in Neighboring county, located 3/4 mile from BFF’s house. Thus Fosterdaughter attends a much-less-good in-county school … six miles away.

    Do people stay up late making up rules to make life difficult for foster kids?? Or am I just too stupid to see the danger that lurks in letting a foster kid go to the great public high school of her choice??

  • 239. Tabs  |  June 7, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I am 1 of 5 girls. my 2 younger sisters who are twins were adopted from my mom as babies to family friends when they were 12 they came back to stay with us because one was sexually asaulted by her adoptive father. Because of this a case was opened with child protective services. We had this old couple come in and investigate our home even though it happened at their dads house. This couple had it out for us from the start. Long story… My oldest sister was 17 emancipated with a 2 yr old and my mom worked day and night to pay the bills. But we were 13,14,15 yrs old so we cleaned cooked etc for ourselves.

    One day out of the blue in svhool our names are called
    over P.A. System. We get to the front and find police
    officers, principal, and dss b¡+©h Case worker waiting and the tell is we are taken away from our mom to get in the car and leave all our belongings behind. No clothes, makeup, book bag, pictures…NOTHING. Had no idea what was going on or if wed see each other or friends again. It was horrible, sad, tramatic, and just down right cruel. They didnt care about my all A’s and 1 B… Or that my sister and I were just recently reunited no being ripped apart. We
    didnt get to say good bye or hug them because they were in a grade under and
    different school. We were seperated with no idea when or if wed go home. But
    the bad part was that the took us away saying we were in imminent danger
    from abuse and neglect because our mom was working from 5-10 pm. She
    worked during school hours as well but we were at school. She took us to
    school & picked us up everyday. We had food, clothes, beds, water, everything and more. But she was a single mom so she couldnt be there 24/7. What tripped me out was that the state spent more than $900 each month on each of us… Thats $900 x 4 to equal $3600 per month for our family care in the system. Plus gas, materials, etc. for the case worker. Then there is the doctors, drug test, therapy, etc per child. So if my mom being home more could have helped us not be in “danger” why not help her with a fraction of the money they spent on us. $600 a months would have allowed her to be home at night? Why not do more to help non-abusive, non-drug addict, sinking parents to keep their
    children instead of paying 6x as much. They give foster parents money,
    foodstamps, medical help, etc to take care of someone else’s child… Why not
    help struggling but good parents? Its dumb as hell.

    Now for the fun part. I have hypoglycemia so my sugar drops and I black out. They did not include this in my file. 2 days into my temo group home and I tell
    them I need a snack bc my sugars low- they,tell me im a liar bc its not in my file
    and to get back upstairs. I blacked out at top of stairs and fell down. My sister
    runs in and flips out on them for not listening. She asked for apple juice and a
    cookie or snack… They give her a ketchup cup with sugar in it (granulated
    sugar) and said I would eat it if I wasnt faking. Couple days later we were seperated again and I was sent 100miles away to long term group home which was more like a camous with mulit-group homes for differnt ages and boys and girls. it was miserable. I didnt have my sisters addresses or phone numbers no contact with them for months. At this group home, I was in more danger than ever before. I had a root canal on a bad tooth. They prescribed lortab and ibprofen, but my “house parents” wouldnt give me my pain meds. They said I wasnt allowed to take it there, yet the filled the rx. I reported this to case worker and the other people there but no help. A few weeks later I had 6 cyst on my ovaries and as the ruptured I was in bad pain, doubled over the arm of the couch but no er or doctor. Finally my house mates (other teens) refused to go to dinner hall or school until they took me to the doc. Once again pain meds
    prescribed and not given. Reported again- again no help. Told my mom and
    she started working on a new case worker but no luck. Later she got a new guardian ad litem which proved beneficial in the end. lastly a month before we
    were released- I was out side on the campus walking with a friend, she went
    back to our cottage and a 17 yr old guy (i thought was a friend) cornered me
    and was trying to kiss me (i was 14) I tried getting away but he picked me up
    and ebentually body slammed me onto a brick fire pit wall. My back at the very
    bottom hit the bricks with full force and I couldnt walk to get away. Another
    guy who was like a brother to me heard the screams and came running. He
    beat the hell out of the guy that attacked me. When he carried me home and
    explained they made him put me down at the door, but I couldnt stand or walk.
    He said no, rushed in, and laid me on the couch. The cops were called not on
    my attacker but on my friend. He got arrested for assault while my attacker
    didnt. To make matters worse- they wouldnt take me to the doctor for almost 2
    weeks. now my back is ruined. I went to college and got a degree that I cant use
    because the damage to my back has gotten so bad. This was eventually the reason we got to go home. The judge agreed if this happened in state custody but not in my moms then how could we have been in danger with her. I wish I knew then what I know now bc I couldve sued the state.

  • 240. peen39  |  June 9, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    I have a child in foser care & have done all the “required ” services but I have spinal stenosis which leaves me in a great deal of pain. I am on Dr. prescribed medicine have had my doctor write letters etc. & they are still refusing to give my child back to me.

  • 241. bobb dillon  |  June 12, 2013 at 12:30 am

    I worked at the Heart of Florida Youth Ranch with my wife for a year and a half. We had eight to ten awesome teenage girls at any given time. The system is broke and the only thing worse than the system is the people who don’t get it, we were fired for being to good.
    We cared, we questioned idiotic rules, we let our girls be teenagers, we made our cottage a home not an institution, we tore up the rules and lived as a family. Thanks for firing us you self rightous hippocrite (sp).

  • 242. sandra allen  |  June 16, 2013 at 1:43 pm

    My son Stephen Allen Jr. was kidnapped, raped and his skull and collar bone broken while in the care of Mercy First Foster Care…516 873 9191 9210404……their funding is now cut ..because of other injuries to other children tooo…they discourage children from any form of art or music therapy which I suggested to be used……instead potent psychiatric drugs mind altering drugs given to my son and others who cry to be returned home to their parents…..If anyone sees Stephen Allen Jr 11years please tell him his mother and father love him dearly and we are ALIVE….. see Fury at Foster Abuse….New York Post and Jamaican Oberver..Want our son back…..Fraud Forensic Jill Jones Sodderman HE IS NOT STEPHEN K I N G BUT BORN STEPHEN DANIEL ALLEN JR. mother Sandra Morrison-Allen 516 417 7242 and father REV DR. Stephen Allen Sr 876 287 3751

    HOW MUCH MONEY ??? before you let go our child go G O D is watching!!!!!
    Deidre Reynolds-Dunn — Rachelle Sokoul—–Gina Cambria—–even thoughh you dont beleive in G O D!!!1

    PLAMS 109 invoked

    ee also Queens Supreme Court case 1496/08
    see also Federal case CV10 0667, CV 08 1226 CV 11-1613

  • 243. raymond pierce  |  June 25, 2013 at 5:46 am

    I’m tired of putting up with the system and my controlling social worker she does t want me to go any where in life and won’t help me. I’m signing out today and yelling fuck you at her for ruining my life. I’ve been in care with my twin brother since we were 8 years old and I’m 18 now. They spilt us up at 17 and we have been trying to live with each other but she keeps crushing that dream. I have stayed longer than i should’ve thinking I’ll get money and free college but fuck that it’s not worth being depressed for money and help. I’d rather pay that shit myself and live where I’m happy. My girlfriend sees the fuckery as well.

  • 244. Nicole  |  July 11, 2013 at 6:56 pm

    I’m a foster parent in the state of Nebraska, It’s messed up a lot of the rules. For example the agency I go through says straight MARRIED couples only, so if my husband and I weren’t married even if we’d been together like 15 years they’d say no. (agency thing not state). But the haircuts things is dumb, I’m having to get a court order for a haircut right now through the GAL because mom won’t cut the boy’s hair. Ugh so stupid to waste tax dollars on something that tiny. & I dunno about the pet thing but I have 2 cats that I would never get rid of and I’m licensed so I think that is a state thing. Thankfully my foster children have never hurt them.

  • 245. Dawn Kaucher  |  July 26, 2013 at 2:17 am

    Hello, I’m about to become a foster parent. By listening to you has made me understand more about what the child will be wanting. I am fostering, because I want a child to share our family with. My husband and I were never able to have children. And so we want to nurture foster children. We won’t be doing it for the checks. We don’t care about the money, we just want a family and to give a firm structure for a child’s future. When I say firm. I mean a true upbringing. With love, no pain. We aren’t ditch but we have enough for a child and can give he or she a nice life. Thank you for the great information!

  • 246. Tailor  |  August 2, 2013 at 12:44 am

    I realize this is old but Ive been doing some research so I thought I would comment. My name is Tailor, I’m nineteen years old now. I was in foster care for almost SEVEN years. Bounced between homes and shelters with my five syblings. I actually ended up in a foster home with an accused rapist. Needless to say things didn’t go well there. After staying with those foster parents, my four younger brothers and one older sister as well, they finally removed us after finding out he had been accused of rape by his wife’s, our foster mother’s, children a few years before. After two years the things that had been done to us in that home are unimaginable. But what gets me the most is how the DFS system didn’t see it. We had bruises, one of my younger brothers developed a speech impediment and none of us would make eye contact. When we were taken from the home we were giving screenings and bodily exams…obviously revealing the abuse we had endured. About a year later we were forced to go on trial and testify in front of our foster father and his family and tell this room full of people we didn’t know, stories we didn’t want to tell. Foster care was the WORSE experience of my life. I was eventually adopted by a couple who were my foster parents. My brothers and sister and myself were split into two homes. I moved out when I was seventeen because I graduated early, had a job and bought myself a car and an apartment. Obviously the situation with my adoptive parents didn’t work out. They told me when I left that they were happy because they just adopted me for the money. They get almost THREE THOUSAND dollars a month for my two little brothers, my sister and myself for adopting us. It’s called a maintenance fee…I am going to college now for astrophysics and when I graduate I want to be a foster parent SO bad. I want to show kids the love they deserve and let them know that there is good. I wasn’t given that opportunity so I want to share it with someone.

  • 247. gothrules  |  August 11, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    God love you. It is no surprise you are depressed. Good for you that you got out of bed today and went to work. One step at a time.

  • 248. Jimmy  |  August 11, 2013 at 7:24 pm

    I’m a foster kid and my foster brothers girl friend is too we fuck the rules all the time :p

  • 249. Jerry  |  August 12, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    My wife and I are fostering to adopt, or so we thought. It appears that CPS has not been very truthful about their desire to terminate parental rights with bio parents. Bio mom has already had two kids taken away previously and both bios have failed to live up to their plans on more than one occasion. Mom was arrested for drugs and conveniently gets out just in time to show up with lawyers.
    What really irritates us is we feel like we’ve been used as high priced babysitters until the bios get things together. Apparently CPS and the attorneys are seeking reunification with the bios and the court dates for aggravated circumstances keep being pushed back. This was because the case supervisor had a scheduling conflict and the attorney for CPS didn’t hand over documents to the bios attorneys. This has happened three times now. You’d think they would know they have to do that at least! Our thinking, confirmed by others who have dealt with CPS, is they just fumble and drop the ball to the point that they give up and give the bios one more chance to get their act together. Meanwhile, my wife and I are becoming distressed and heartbroken by all the lies and very thought that these kids could/will be given back. This is not to mention the thousands of dollars we’ll never recoup but we really don’t care about that. We just want to keep these kids.

  • 250. Denecia  |  August 14, 2013 at 11:49 am

    I completly agree with the disagreements of the foster care system. My sister & I was took from my mother when we were ages 12 &14. They took us because we argued to much. They split me and my sister up and put us in two diffrent homes in different towns., that seperating us from our mother wasnt enough. My mom went to therapy and parenting classes every week for 6 years. But the state never sent us home. We were forced to stay with strangers, who honestly just wanted the pay. Then they can treat you like a dog bring a little kid down to nothing. Make them feel unwanted and the children are told that there parents dont love them and dont want them back. Foster parents look at teens in the system as slaves. Make them do they’re family’s dishes laundry, deap clean theyre family’s rooms. In alot of cases ive even been hit by a foster mom, and cursed, i was called a bitch, a dumbass, that i wont ever become anything in life, and that ill end up in prison like my dad and brother or ill end up like my mom and get my kids taken away. The list goes on and on about the nneglect and mental/physical abuse from foster parents. Yet the state believes its in the childs best intrest, when they would rather be in the situation they was with biofamily, because no matter what opion the judge has on a mother i dont agree it should result in never seeing there child/creation again. Now there are certain circumstances where the bioparents just dont deserve kids. And those cases are what the state needs to focus on. In stead of taking children out thwhome for stupid reasons. My aunt lost her four daughters also. She didnt end up to lucky with the case. She went to theropy and got a job she got off welfare and bought a house, decorated theyre rooms and got them each new clothes and toys they wanted. In eager to get her daughters back, the state used her babies as a prize. They teased her, they gave her. Visits then took them away for no reason. She lost the fight unfortunately. And her children are scattered threw out the state. The sad thing is, is that children in foster care never get to feel normal again. So to all children & teens in foster care, dont stop fighting for what you believe in. Trust and believe there will be a brighter day, im the living proof. I have my own house 20 with no kids yet in my secound year of collage to become a sergical technician. I also ran away at seventeen. But i took control of my life & didnt let a judge whright my book, i took it over. And feel tremendously accomplished. Thanks for listening. ❤

    • 251. marilyn4ever  |  August 24, 2014 at 4:46 am

      Thank God you found a way out in spite of the overwhelming odds against you.

  • 252. Mike Hatz  |  August 20, 2013 at 11:49 am

    As a married man, working on getting my foster license in the State of Washington, I can completely agree with the fact that there are hundreds of stupid rules that hold up the process. My wife and I just want to get licensed, because we feel “called” into the foster program here in our state, and would love to welcome a child or four into our home, whether short-term (respite), or long-term, with the goal to adopt, if that’s the way it works. We’re upstanding people, neither one of us has even had a speeding ticket in the last 5 years, I’m a veteran in our military, with almost 16 years of active service. We’re not trying to do this for the “paycheck” that Washington would give us, or for the recognition that we would get from the community. We merely want to bring children into our home, love on them, and provide them with stability until their situation is resolved, or until rights are terminated and we can adopt, especially since we’ve been trying for years to have children of our own biological material, without any luck.

    Washington State, like most other states, has rules that are, apparently, designed to inhibit or discourage people from wanting to become foster parents or adoptive parents. As the OP wrote, trampolines are not allowed…unless they are fenced off, with protective nets, and unless the parents are willing to stand outside and watch with eagle eyes for any potential accident. Swimming pools, whether they are built-in, above ground, or even those plastic or inflatable “kiddie pools” that people set up in their front yards during the summer MUST be fenced off and locked, without access unless under direct supervision from the parents. Cribs MUST be manufactured after 2011, no matter whether or not the crib that you currently own meets all of the specifications required by the 2011 crib safety mandates, unless the crib was manufactured after the deadline, you have to buy a new crib. Children up until they are two years of age have to sleep in a crib, and after 12 months, they can’t be in the same room as the parents, and if they are going to be in a mixed-gender bedroom, neither one of the children can be older than six years old.

    I understand these rules. I really do. They are safety guidelines. They are established because, if you didn’t establish the rules, people would go to Goodwill and buy a collapsible crib from 1962, stick it in the hallway, and make their foster child sleep there. But what irks me the most about these rules is that, if I was a drug-dealing heroin addict, I could get knocked up, have a drug-affected baby in a restroom at McDonalds, make that baby sleep in the trunk of my car, without medical care, expose that poor child to cigarette smoke and drugs, and generally set him up for failure in his life, and nobody would stop me. But if I want to do the “right thing” and bring one of these poor children into my home, the state has the right to invade my privacy, inspect my home, run my background information and financial history, and generally determine my “fitness” before I’m even allowed the opportunity to demonstrate my parenting skills and love one of these children who so desperately need a stable, loving home. I’m not giving up on the process, my wife and I are determined to get licensed, but the process seems filled sometimes with almost insurmountable challenges.

    Thank you for your post!

  • 253. Sarah Redecker Sarich  |  August 25, 2013 at 5:03 pm

    One of the stupidest rule in my state is that if you accept kids under the age of 7, you are supposed to have plugs in all electrical outlets. When my bio-daughter was a baby, those plugs were a magnet to her. It was safer to leave them out than it was to leave them in. This is something that should be done on a case-by-case basis.

    Also, I find it disturbing (even though I don’t smoke) that it is illegal for anybody to smoke in my house or vehicle when it isn’t illegal for anybody else in the state. The government should have more important things to worry about.

    I hear you on the car and the haircuts. The first things we are doing when my foster daughter turns 18 is going to the salon and helping her get her driver’s license.

  • 254. Laura  |  September 3, 2013 at 8:45 am

    I needed that laugh today. The content wasn’t funny, but how you delivered it was. I’m an adoptive parent. I wanted to give a loving home to kids who needed it. I didn’t go out and adopt babies. I agree 100% with your stupid rules. I wish I had met you, I wish I could have been the one to give you what you needed. I tried and am still trying to do the right thing. I have 3 kids. One was adopted as a 15 month old….. Never expected that. The second time around, 2 siblings 7/9 @ the time. The 7 year old who is now 14 is continually on a daily basis making our lives difficult. Constant problem. His older sister, appreciates and is aware of what might have been if we hadn’t adopted her. I can’t imagine my life without her in it. Her brother, the now 14 year old is another story. I could give him back tomorrow with no regret. Our house is a battle ground 5 out of 7 days. It’s not what I wanted for any of us. I thought a loving, stable and secure home with 2 parents would make a difference, but I’m not too sure:(

  • 255. Jayce  |  September 8, 2013 at 12:51 am

    Foster care is the stupidest thing that exists in America today. Nothing has changed since I’ve been in it and I honestly don’t think anythin ever will

    • 256. Emma  |  September 8, 2013 at 10:17 pm

      I know what that feels like. You’re sitting in foster care and nobody is trying to help. They make such a big deal about single people not fostering meanwhile the foster parents they do have are abusing the kids.

    • 257. marilyn4ever  |  August 24, 2014 at 4:46 am

      Some foster families are worth their weight in gold. However, most are the opposite. There isn’t an easy solution.

  • 258. SkeeterToellner  |  September 15, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I agree with the top of the list guy, foster care rules suck, I was a faster parent with my husband for over 28 yrs, I took in older kids, with emotional, problems, these poor kids went to foster home to foster homes for no real good reason, they mostly hated the system hated starting over new school , new dam workers theriopist pschitrists, ya let’s call every kid Post traumatic stress, reactive attachment kid ADD ADHD ect, Now they are Treatment Kids and the State pays more money, I do know the bullshit, I understood them I would argue and fight to try and help them I treated their N family with respect and tried to help them ( when I could) They try and fire You, by lieing about, your home, I would give my kids ,pets, bikes, 4 wheelers, put them in every sport, 4H ect ect Reason to have a cast of non social services people to protect us and my Kids, They still try and find unreal ways to try and fire you, We even payed for the kids to have good dentist, theriopist, hospital emails all out of are own pocket wanted them long term( untill graduation High School or College, They still would turn on us, all kids want to hurry up and be 18 and live free from the system , be free on their own , even offered to stay past 18, workers actually used this to convince kids to leave, unreal of course they were sorry and want to come home, or after court, what ever Social Services would not let them come back, Why because we did not want to adopt every kid, They were always welcome to live with us as long as they wanted to, we help dozens of kids get jobs go on to school ect ect, But we would not sign that we would adopt, in Wi they ask you the day they place a kid, “if we can not Reunify will you adopt” even before You meet the kids, and their own families are lied too, and even no matter how hard they try or their grandparents, They do not Reunite, unless they happen to hire a real expensive attorney, The system lags, I know I have seen this over and over,We were really good fair and loved and cared for kids I did cheat the rules if it made, are kids happy, I bought a 14 yr old her own horse, she loved her, they made me take it away I refused they took the 14 yr old she lived with us since age 4, saying they had an adopted home for her, oh they did and abused her, She wanted to come home, We had a long term agreement through the court, they changed workers and took her. I kept her horse untill it died of old age, I was not allowed any contact,now CCR are under investigation, it is all about money not are kids, not are foster homes, just money, I have had 93 foster kids in 28 yrs average stay ( 5-14 yr) then the adoption law came in, Not saying its all bad, but not fair, not every case fits in the same mold now 53 yrs old (I quit) and can not get a job, foster parenting is not work experience, For all you kids and adult kids I want you to know I Love You and do agree with you and did adopt are Son at age 18

  • 259. Millie  |  September 19, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I totally agree…Just recently became the foster parent to my own grandson and I have to get permission to cut his hair. My reaction was the same. If I am paying out of my pocket for him to look nice and groomed why in the Hell do I have to get permission from his mother who never kept it groomed in the first place….A lot of things really piss me off with these people. I could understand if I’m grandma why do I have to be foster mom too. I don’t want your check this is my blood and will do it in a heart beat.

  • 261. Millie  |  September 19, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    By the way I took him to get a haircut anyway because I wanted him to look nice in school….I told the worker if they didn’t like it take me infront of the Judge…If the state feel like they want to take him away because I wanted him to look nice I wouldn’t have a problem with getting a lawyer. Haven’t heard anything as of yet that was 2 weeks ago at least regarding the haircut…I’ll keep you posted if anything futher comes up regarding the haircut.

  • 262. Millie  |  September 20, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    Well the states sees fit to place the children in foster care for some reason or another so they are temporary the individuals child. If a foster child wants to look like the other kids in school are we suppose to deny the child. Or let the child go ungroomed until when cause some cases are not just a month or two. If your a teenage foster child and you see other kids driving are they suppose to be denied because for whatever reason they’re in the system. How do you explain that!!!!!! It is the foster parent child temporary and in some cases longer than temporary. We can provide love and nurture the child but can’t go out the box. And I’m talking about people that really care for these children. There are some foster parents that treat these children as their own and do for them like they birthed them themselves.

  • 263. james  |  September 28, 2013 at 2:09 pm

    everywhere I see the best for the kid.. well it is rules that are best for the state.. for get the kid.. A foster parent is not a parent, they are babysitters and make no way a home for this child.. they are just visiting and even if they have been with you over 5 yrs and still playing this game.. and as far as pay for taking care of them,, well they think your paid well.. well 238 per month does not go far and the money does not pay for all they need, but they do not care.. I think most kids in the state are more hurt and abused than most other places.. anyone other than the state would have them taken form them.. guess that is the way the law goes.. is not fair for the kid or the foster parent..

  • 264. Michael Zaldivar  |  September 30, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I had a “Social worker” named James Colon who worked for the ( Then named) Los Angeles County Dept. of Adoptions in 1976, he actually was nice enough to read to me the reason I was given up for adoption ( I never was ) My mother stated that she gave me up because as a devout Catholic she was not supposed to have kids out of wedlock. Now that I think about that statement, doesn’t Catholic teachings say that you’re not supposed to FUCK! out of wedlock either??? Anyway, she was 37 years old when I was born, my father was, get this, 51 years of age! I always think, what the hell were these two thinking? as a result of this “Horizontal Mambo” I went through the worst hell that any child should ever have to go through, FOSTER CARE! I just want to say “THANKS MOM!!!” my Bio-moms name is Irene C. Liptak, as of this year I do believe she is around 89 years of age, and still alive in Provo, Utah. My bio-fathers name is Felipe O. Saldivar ( Yes my name is misspelled, Moms fault ) he lived in San Fernando, California. Now deceased in 1986. He had 2 other kids that I know of, Philip “Sonny” Saldivar and Alicia Saldivar I think she lives in Lancaster, California. My half brother Philip was the Principal of San Fernando High School in the early to mid 2000’s I read that he passed on. Strangely enough the last foster home I was in, my foster father’s sister was married to my bio- father in the 1940’s. how’s that for a small world! Oh, I forgot to mention I never met My bio-parents, Foster care from day one! SOOO, if any one out there knows either one of my biological parents, drop me a line! at aggnrff4@gmail.com Thanks!!!

  • 265. Natas Hastings  |  October 18, 2013 at 9:29 am

    I’m in this fucked up system. I am 18 and my catch-22 is that I have no way to get out of Foster Care because Foster Care won’t let me have a job, phone, computer, money, car, id, bank account, freedom, driver’s ed, or anything else that would allow me to obtain any level of independence…

    • 266. Kathy  |  November 4, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      I feel you there. 😦 Had a niece in foster care for a while, she was 16, they wouldn’t let her get a permit, job or a phone. As a 16 yr old you NEED a cell phone in this day and age. It’s actually more dangerous for you not not have one!

      • 267. Elisa  |  December 9, 2013 at 2:16 am

        While I was in care in Utah, I had a job, a cell phone and a laptop at 16 but I was very well behaved and it may be a foster parent specific thing.

  • 268. Jo  |  October 26, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    I can only amagine how you felt. But there are parents that try to work very hard with cps. The rule regarding how many months the child stays in foster care sometimes is because the caseworker is to lazy to do their job. That’s why that rule apply. I jumped through hoops and nothing at all was done for me. I feel for you. I could only imagine what you went through. I hope you’ve learned how to let it go. I wish you well.

  • 269. Ruth  |  November 3, 2013 at 6:51 am

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  • 270. Kathy  |  November 4, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    We actually fostered my sister’s best friend, Shelly, when her parents abused her. They made us feel like criminals at large while they were investigating us! They searched my panty drawer and under my bed for “guns” and stuff years ago to make sure we weren’t hiding anything.(I was about 12-13 at the time.) Then they’d ask up suspicious questions like “So why do you want HER? Why do you want to have this young girl in your house with you? What are you up to? Do you abuse your bio children?”

    It was a disgusting ordeal to go through. This girl was my sister’s BEST Friend and if she went to normal foster family she’d of never seen my sister again until she was released at 18 or so. They were about 15 at the time so 3 years to see your best friend again is agony.

    Finally after 16 months (yes, 16 months…..)of not finding a single freaking thing wrong with our family they let my mom and dad foster her……for 3 days.
    Yes, 3 days. Shelly was in out house for THREE DAYS before they removed her and put her back into the care of her bio parents who CONTINUED to abuse her.

    Shelly’s sister suddenly changed stories that none of the abuse happened and she and her sister were paid to lie. Which is NOT true!! Shelly has scars! She cried daily! Shelly was suicidal at this point and even attempted suicide twice. The foster system then put her BACK into foster care, but not to us. We weren’t even allowed to speak to her!

    The foster care system claims they want the best and utmost proper care for children, but usually they’re just a confusing mess of lies and overly-suspicious crooks. Shelly was never allowed to speak to my sister, and no reason was given why. Eventually Shelly’s new foster parents moved her out of state (with permission I’m assuming) and we haven’t heard from her since. She’d be about 23-24 years old right now and still be best friends with my sister had the FC system not have done what they did.

    I’m done ranting, it just annoys me that I hear all these wonderful success stories and then our real-life experience was a NIGHTMARE! I hope everyone else fairs better than we did.

    One thing I noticed off about this article is the pet rule. We had five chihuahuas and a large lab. They said absolutely nothing to us about the pets whatsoever. This may be a state-specific rule though.

  • 271. Christine  |  November 9, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    How about the fucking caseworker on a power trip telling a teen that his guardians aren’t allowed to take away privileges as a method of discipline? Kid puts on a show, guardians send kid to hospital, kid realizes he’s out of line and comes home on meds. Bitch caseworker on her powertrip can’t get medical records so she files papers and takes kid the day after he’s out of the hospital. Then the bitch didn’t even get the records! Bitch lied about everything! Then bitch didn’t tell foster family that kid had psychologist app’t, trying to mess with guardians, kids mental health, AND the foster family.

  • 272. Jacqui  |  December 7, 2013 at 5:48 am

    I have a question to anyone out there that was a fostered child.

    I ask because I just found out that my 2 year old cousin was removed from her Mother shortly after her birth and has been through 5 foster families. Her father has been deemed unfit and the Mother has never tried to make contact. She has been with her current carer for 12 months and is happy and I have been assured that she is well taken care of and that the faimly is wonderful.
    I am allowed to go and visit whenever I want, but its a very long way.

    My question is, if you were in Foster Care and discovered that you had a huge wonderful, loving family that wanted you, but had bonded with your Foster Parents and called them Mum and Dad, who would you have prefered to go with in hindsight.

    Im really struggling with the fact that I have been told that its too late to get her as she has bonded with the Carers, I just want to know from people who have experienced the Foster Care system what the preference would be, because my next step is to either embrace the Foster Family as a part of mine and include this little angel in my life in her current situation, or fight the decision in Court and go and get her. I just want to make the right decision.

  • 273. harley goff  |  December 7, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    My name is harley and my dughter aanaztarcia is being Fosterd by her great aunt and uncle i want her back but i don’t know if the court will let me as aana had fallen too many times with da other parent we have had to take mental exams aana is 9mo old now however her aunt fia isn’t letting me see her since last court i bring hee food but they driveoff before i get to their door their not using da baby gats i provided dcfs/ Emily Harris says because i have a autisim spectum disorder that i should not get to raise her all i want is aana safe happy and if possible her to come home i love her i want to give her the world

  • 274. Elisa  |  December 9, 2013 at 2:11 am

    I don’t know what state you were in but I was in Utah foster care for a year and a half and absolutely nothing you said here applied to me or anyone I knew. I am just graduating with my bachelor’s degree in criminal justice at 19 years old because my state paid for schooling. My senior project was on Utah foster care and I interviewed tons of foster care teenagers who all told me the same thing: foster care was the best thing that happened to them.

    I got my licence while in foster care ad well as my sister. We were both able to drive with no problems from the state. During transportation to a new placement, I always sat in the passenger seat so I’m not sure where you’re getting that from. I also sat in the front seat whenever I went somewhere with foster parents, no problems.

    Both my foster placements had dogs AND trampolines and we were allowed on and near both. My sister who just became a foster parent also has a dog and a trampoline. I even had a foster sister that was allowed to get her own dog because it provided emotional support and her therapist thought it was a good idea.

    I personally know three single moms who are foster parents and they are great at it.

    I cut my hair while in foster care, dyed it red and bleached it all without consent from anyone and I didn’t get in any trouble whatsoever. I knew other girls that got body piercings as well but I believe those were not supposed to happen without team consent.

    Maybe you had a terrible experience but everyone I’ve talked to has greatly appreciated the experience. Although it does suck at times, it’s well worth it and I don’t know where I’d be without it.

    • 275. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 2:41 am

      Were you in foster care, or kinship?

  • 276. Sally  |  December 16, 2013 at 1:34 am

    Can a 17 year old in foster care self-place to biological parents if the kid has to stay in care until the age of 18?

  • 277. Szr  |  December 20, 2013 at 6:03 pm

    Your right, a lot needs changed in the system! My 4 youngest grandchildren are in foster care & my husband & I stepped up for care for them. We had to get our background checks, and Did all of the work required of us. We got approved as an adoptive resource for them…but the caseworker is now saying we live too many miles away!!!!!
    They knew we lived in another county when they were telling us what to do and being inspected! What changed?
    The whole time these children were in care they could have been placed with us!
    My granddaughter had 2 bones broken while in care…no one knows results of investigation!
    There NEEDS to be a LAW that children MUST be ADOPTED (not just placed) with a relative first (if any are capable)
    They need to also REQUIRE the quardian ad litem AND the judge/master interview any/all family members that are willing!
    These hearing need to be opened to at least grandparents , Aunts/uncles etc

    • 278. Adopting Mom  |  January 22, 2014 at 1:42 am

      There is a law “Adoption and Safe Families Act of 1997 public law 105-89 Which Prohibits Delay or Denial of interjurisdictional Adoption. It also gives procedural guidelines to “Relatives” prior to going outside for adoption. Look it up. Demand your Rights. This is “Federal Law” and takes precedence over “State Law” Hope this helps

  • 279. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 2:35 am

    To Elisa- I was in over 20 placements and was abused in roughly half of those homes and RTC’s. I am now a caseworker and I believe it when my kids tell me something is up. RTC’s are garbage, and shouldn’t even be allowed. So just letting everyone know that abuse does and is happening in foster placements. Oh yeah, stats show that 2% of kids that have aged out get a college education. Hmmmm.

  • 280. sndayschld  |  December 22, 2013 at 3:47 am

    Oh yeah Elisa, how did you graduate with a bachelors at 19? I think you are full of it, and for anyone to come on this forum and try to say that they know what it’s like to have been in the system when they really weren’t is disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself. Foster care was a nightmare. I still struggle with forming bonds and I wonder sometimes if I’m ever going to be able to have a normal life. I work for CPS not because I like the agency, but because I want a chance to be the worker that I never had. I also got my bachelors at 30, after leaving care, being homeless, giving a child up for adoption and being abused by my exboyfriend. No one taught me how to live in the real world. Perpetration for adult living was a joke, and extended care did not exist. Foster care is a culture that you are forced to embrace. You become camilion , and you have to fit in to the home, or your blacklisted. There are many foster parents that have the “savior complex”. They take in these kids and act like the child should be so grateful for a home. It makes me sick. These kids don’t have to be grateful. They are just trying to find someone that will accept them for who they are. Foster parents should expect rebellion and for the child to push limits. Foster parents should pick there battles and not expect the child to “be ever so grateful” and behave themselves. Sorry for the rant, but I needed to say it.

  • 281. Christine  |  December 23, 2013 at 9:32 am

    I feel your pain! I was an IFC foster parent and was shut down cause I was to compassionate and fought to much for my 17 year old foster daughter!! Unbelievable, REALLY . A smart family resource coordinator once said to us during training, ” it’s not the children or teens that you have to watch out for, it’s those in charge of them!” She was right !!! DCF forgets these kids are knowing almost adults and when you promise you BETTER COME THROUGH!!! So I fought for those broken promises and was FIRED!!! Appalling protect the child treat them as they were your own, then get black balled!!! The system is broke the dcf institution and dare family services does nothing but finger point and blame each other and the foster parent for screwing up when in all actuality it’s THEM!!! Too COMPASSIONATE !!! Isn’t that what we are there for!! Help us out any law firms that would like to take this one on!!! LOST IN MASSACHUSETTS!!

  • 282. Mrs. Kate  |  February 1, 2014 at 4:26 am

    Good posting.Thanks for sharing article with us.i like your post.

  • 283. James Rinkevich  |  February 4, 2014 at 3:30 pm

    Actually they should not be given money per child either. That just urges them to take more children and flood the system with lots of children who don’t need to be there (estimates run as high as 75% of all foster children don’t need to be there). This enables CWs to put children who are going to be abused by the system for a long time in the worst foster homes, because the children who go home might actually come back and sue them. Long term foster children never have access to money so that’s not an issue. LT you were treated in this way often.

  • 284. Nicole  |  February 8, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    I know ho w u feel. I have been in the system for over 18months. Also I’m 19… Was 17 when I enter.. I live with my aunt and all I do is work… I have no life besides school and work.. And chores.. Another messed up thing is I pay for everything myself… I even buy food for my house etc.. Pay stuff they canr. Messed up huh? My aunt ost me over 800… And my case worker knows and says responility….

  • 285. momof6  |  February 10, 2014 at 10:14 am

    I am a mom of 6 beautiful babies. 3 boys
    And 3 girls. They were took into states custody. My oldest is 13. I havent seen him since 2004. He was adopted by his foster mother. He was took from me in 2002. Hes dad signed his rights over a week after he was put in foster care. I fought for 2 years. I did what I was supposes to. I got pregnant with my second during this time so I wasnt able to do alot. But when court time came I was 5 mins. Late for court and the judge had signed my name to the paper showing I give up my rights. What wasnt right was they waited 3 hours for my sons dad to get transfered from a jail. Its bad because he didnt have any rights. I was later told by a worker that my son was sold through state. Last time I saw him was 2004 and my second son was 6 months old.
    Now the next 3 are 8,7,5. My son and 2 daughters. I lost them in 2008 when my now 5 year old was 3 weeks old. She got sick and I sit at the hospital with her for 3 days. Their dad was abusive and a drink. When they werr tooj I fought for them. I got pregnant with my now 4 year old. And when their dad moved the visits got moved with him. The worker looked at me and said I know that you dont have a way to see your kids so I guess youll be walking. I moved to where my visits with my kids were and their dad was coming to get me so I could see them. The worker said that I wasnt aloud aroynd their dad and that he couldnt come get me but I could have my visits with him still. Which was stupid in my book. And after a month of him still coming to get me after they said he coulsnt I was told I lost my rights to my kids. So they fought for him to get the kids before me knowing he was on drugs a drunk and abusive. He had epos from me, my mom, and the cops and other people. They were adopted. I was told by a worker that if I moved out of the city I lived in I could keep my 5th. Hes now 4. He was born september 2009. I moved from there thinking id get to keep him I was wrong. When he was born he was put on a 72 hour hold. The worker that was over my 3 kids before this one came here saying I was on drugs and drank. I dont do that and I proved it. I had to do the pee and hair test. I passed. Than they brought up more on me I fought so hard to get him back. I was getting my over nights and everything than one day it all stopped. I hadnt seen him for a while I went to court and they said I wasnt complient with what I was supposed to be doing. And I did everything I was asked I had proof. But they said I wasnt and I ended up doing a voluntary tpr so I could still see him. Noe im going thru it again. I had my daughter december 09, 2013. On the 11th of december they came and took her. Took her because I wasnt still going to see a
    Shrink and because I signed my rights over so he could be adopted. The workerI had at the time said I was a good mother for showing zgood judgement and the lawyer I have now Iis saying the same thing. I didnt want my son in the place I was in. He deserved better and where he is he can get what I couldnt give him. So my lawyer is trying to figure out why me doing that was bad if I knew than I wasnt able to care for him. But now I can care for her and they wont let me have her. She says their using my past life against me. So now im going thru all the steps and everything to get my 2 month old daughter back. Oh bad thing is shes been in foster care since 12-11-2013. This is now 02-10-2014 and ive only gotten to see her 3 times.

    What you were saying about the animal. The homes my kids went to had dogs .

  • 286. read full article  |  February 15, 2014 at 8:43 am

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  • 287. Chase  |  February 22, 2014 at 11:07 pm

    I’m I’n fostercare my parents are doing great it’s been 10 months and I was seeing if theres a way around the system to go straight home I got family I’n Texas that I could go to and 3 other family member s I’n north Carolina my mom is doing wonderful and so is my dad now so i need to how to get the fuck home

  • 288. AL  |  March 5, 2014 at 10:41 am

    CRAP !!! You had me in tears. I am 53 years old, me and my wife do foster care. And when I say we do foster care, we do it for the right reasons, to give children the opportunity to grow in a safe loving environment allowing kids be kids. My wife and I are very easy going and we don’t really have house rules. We, as foster parents are also sometimes frustrated by rules and regulations imposed by the system…I don’t think my agency likes me very much for breaking some of the rules in favor of the foster child. On many, many, many occasions they get mad at me for acting as the child’s advocate and speak for him or her with judges, lawyers, caseworkers, therapists, etc. But you know what????….I will do what I think is in the best interest of that child even if I get a bad rep with the workers. he he he.
    What really infuriates me is that there are MANY foster parents that do foster care just for the little paycheck making foster care look like “human trafficking”. I can tell you that we have always given our 100% and our LOVE and our support to ALL the children that have passed through our house, even the trouble makers and those difficult ones….God knows we have had more than our share of those.
    Moving back to the subject, a lot of these FUCKED UP rules seem to be changing little by little…Although, some rules I can see, like the driving, but, like you said, if the state assumes responsibility and provides insurance for foster kids, it may someday happen. Im my house we have 2 dogs and 2 cats and one of my dogs is actually certified as a therapy dog…he has helped many of our kids become whole again.
    Now, the haircut….I think is one of the MOST FUCKED-UP rule there is, hair grows just like finger nail do….we are allowed to cut their finger nails!!. But it is not just haircuts, it is earnings and other cosmetic things, like getting rid of moles to give the child some kind of confidence boost.
    But anyway, I could go on all day. Just know that there are some foster parents out there fighting to make the foster care experience a more healthy and pleasant for the children. I love all of the kids that have been in my home….even the bad ones !!!

  • 289. Zack  |  March 10, 2014 at 2:29 am

    I’m in foster care in Washington state and the foster system sucks there are so many stupid rules and all the system wants is for you to comply I am rebellious and defiant so my social worker along with everyone else who works for DCFS in south king county hate me and do backflips when I run away cause they don’t have to deal with me til I get arrested again
    Fuck foster care!!!!

  • 290. Bridgett Waite  |  March 10, 2014 at 6:59 pm

    I was in the state of Vermont state system for over 15 years. I was made to dress and act like a boy and have crew cuts. Also I signed into the 18 and over agreement. The foster parent I thought I could trust stole over $10,000.00 of my money for personal gain. The state has been notified along with these people’s employers yet nothing is being done to get them to give me my money back. In my eyes all state workers, foster parents etc. all are sleeping in the same bed.

  • 291. nichole  |  March 12, 2014 at 3:10 pm

    i am gay and sometimes i fill just because im in foster care they look down on me. me being gay shouldnt matter. im a foster kid and im 15. my 16th birthday is comeing up and i still cant take my drivers test. i struggle with depression and anger, my little sister is in a group home. At first we lived together but the group home kicked me out. i am now forced to show th system im a good influence on my little sister. they are all fucking retards i should be allowed to live with her no matter what. i dnt see normal kids who get in trouble havin to prove to compelete strangers that they deserve to live with their siblings. its almost like im not good enough to have a normal live. “its going to be okay” im tired of fuckin hearing this!

  • 292. Kathleen  |  March 28, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    Here’s another stupid rule. I’m a foster mom and we have two (foster) kids, aged 4 and 5. This summer, we have several weekend trips planned (doesn’t everyone?) to family-friendly events at which there will be other, friendly children of their age. We submitted the dates. The BIO MOM rejected the dates. Wha???? Since when does she get any say? She would prefer they be put in respite — further traumatizing them, because they’d think we were never coming back for them — rather than letting them go on normal fun vacations. She also nixed a weekend camping trip because she’s never taken them camping and wants to be there when they go for the first time. We’re appealing to DSS…this is ridiculous.

  • 293. izzie  |  April 7, 2014 at 11:14 am

    Yes some of this is true dependeing on what kind of foster home u r running a regular foster home that takes neglected kids will be a lot different with a treatment or group homes that have juveniles have to be more restrictive and lots of foster parents let there child sit in front set and foster parents have to give u a hair cut because it is part of taking care of yourself I know a lot of this because I have been in different foster homes all levels and there are a lot of things that you can and cant do because of peoples past and it is all decided by the county because of the specifics of the child

  • 294. Roulette Strategy  |  April 8, 2014 at 1:27 am

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  • 295. Beth  |  April 12, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    Thank you for your blog. It is truely helping me cope with my beautiful ,but extremely difficult, foster child.

  • 296. kitkat00  |  April 14, 2014 at 7:49 am

    Hi everybody. I’m Kate and I’m 12 years old. I live in a care home. I haven’t been luckier enough yet to be fostered. I’m not very fond of care cause I don’t like that I’m treated like a baby. I was put in care cause my daddy was very angry and hurt me and my older brother. A care worker comes in every week to see how I’m doing and it just frustrates me. They say that I can’t go out cause it’s dangerous. They also say that my ADHD is a problem too. I don’t want to stay here any longer but then I’m scared that if I get fostered my foster parents won’t like me and I get put back in the foster home. Anyway my ADHD is influenced by my dad. Please help.

    • 297. Jane vargus  |  May 10, 2014 at 1:29 am

      Hi Kate . I’m not sure if you have been placed in a foster home yet. How are you doing now?

  • 298. Champions  |  May 8, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    Crazy I did not know foster parents could not have pets

  • 299. Mathew Tristan Carson  |  May 9, 2014 at 9:34 pm

    i’m in foster care and it sucks real bad my foster mom is being an ass about 18 year old foster kid leaving the house just to smoke a cig. across the street at a park, i mean how stupid is that?

  • 300. Tammy South  |  May 20, 2014 at 4:09 am

    I agree 100% i have so much to say i cant even begin, or i wont stop

  • 301. Vince  |  May 31, 2014 at 8:21 pm

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  • 302. MRS K. HALL  |  July 2, 2014 at 5:50 am


    • 303. Shaye  |  January 12, 2015 at 3:47 am

      Get a lawyer and fight! unless there was reasonable cause for them to be taken from you, you have rights! Go for custody. Save all of the “texts” and pictures. Document everything, dates, times etc.. Show that you are trying to get them back at the very least,

  • 304. carson  |  July 21, 2014 at 4:36 am

    I just don’t want to be in foster care anymore!!! it sucks balls!! I’m an 18 year old girl and want to move out on my own and not have to ask permission to do shit like have a fucking sleep over. they can’t protect me forever.

  • 305. Lucia Sanborn  |  July 23, 2014 at 11:14 am

    From what ive read here you should start ur own program.u sound inteligent.and seem to have a good head on ur shoulders

  • 306. pearl  |  August 1, 2014 at 1:43 am

    Look i see what you mean about gettting every done asap to get our kids back but cys dose not make it easy for you i am there now and i do every thing they say and then they put more on you

  • 307. lulu bodeen  |  August 19, 2014 at 3:28 pm

    When I was a punk teenager I ran away from home. Not because of a bad environment at home, not because of drug abuse, not because of mental/physical abuse, I ran away because I wanted to make my own rules and not abide by the rules my parents set forth. I eas picked up by the police and taken to a temporary foster home. My mother and father fought like dogs to get me home safely. It took them three months and thousands of dollars, and three different foster homes. even after I told the truth, about my parents being fully capable and me being a punck kid. The state didn’t care they wanted their money one way or another. The case worker who would drive me from one house to another was a corrupt man, I can recall a phone call he received from his mistress while driving me to my next “home” he told her his wife wouldn’t be axpecting him anytime soon, and that he couldn’t wait to see her, kiss her etc. I was horrified.
    The first family I went to owned a farm, they made me watch their 3 year old son from sun up to sun down. They called me foul names and told me that my parents were NOT coming for me. The state had given them 100$ for supplying me with new clothes and necessities. I never saw anything new. Infact I was given hamydowns from her overweight daughter, nothing fit.
    I had devised a plan to escape the drama, sadness, i was feeling being in this home,. One night I pretended to have a problem, shaking and screaming words that made no sense. The very next morning I was moved to my next temporary house, this woman was very nice. However she had the dirtiest house I’d ever been in. Her beds smelled. The other kids in the house (5) two hers and three fosters were constantly bringing home lice and were never made to wash or even contribute to the house chores. I knew then what a huge mistake i had made. My mother was never this dirty, my three biological sibling have never had lice. We always had great food and I was hugged and kissed every night. This was gods punishment to humble me and to open my eyes. Two months in I was moved to a nice family very close to home. I prayed every night that I could return home and a month later I was free. Free to return home to MY family the only people who truly loved me who had given me everything and I had stepped on it and taken the peace from their home. My family NEVER questioned me. They NEVER showed me anger for what I had done. They new what I had experienced was hard enough to go through. This was only three months out of my life, but it has been the worst experience I have ever been through. I can not imagine what these children must be feeling, but I do know it is not ever easy. I pray that our system will be shaken up, and that these many issues will be taken care of. ASAP.

  • 308. kara Davidson  |  August 27, 2014 at 12:29 am

    Reading this makes me so sick all tho have the stuff in here is not alll true ive been in foster care for 7 years I get my hair done when I want to I have 2 pets I also have my permit. It really all depends on the foster parents and the case worker you get that determines what you get to do. All tho they have many rules that was not stated.
    No staying all night with friends
    Not leaving foster parents side
    Having u foster parents check on you ever 10 to 20 min.
    I fell like when I go to the bathroom I neef to write it down.

  • 309. juztn  |  September 14, 2014 at 10:02 pm

    I’ve been in the system for 17 years, and my foster system experience has been horrible, I’ve been to 48 group homes, locked down programs, and out of 48 places I’ve only been to 6 actual foster home, it makes kids institutionalized, every morning you have to follow a strict schedule, such as waking up at 4:30, and a lot of the group homeso are hands on, I once got picked over a staff and thrown to the pavement on my back, fracturing one of my vertebraes, in the group home we have names for the called 12 to 6 , and heaven to earths. And it only happened because I walked out of line… I’ve never committed a crime, and have never gotten a charge, and I was placed in djj programs because I had none where else to go.. I was placed in the system at 6 months old, because my dad killed my mom, poured gasoline on me, and was abut to light me on fire but the cops burst because a lady heard gunshots, and my dad was killed by an officer. And birthday’s … I haven’t celebrated a birthday in 9 years until just resent lyrics at ami kids crossroads. My caseworker serves no purpose at all, I’m just paperwork to him, I’ve moved all over the state of Florida, and if I died… no one would attend my funeral, I’ve never had a true relationship, due to constant moving, and had to get my ged at 16 because, moving made me behind in grades. But… I put a stop to it, I finally went to a group home that has a little freedom, I forced the state by hiring a lawyer to give me my birth certificate, ss card, and Medicaid card, along with my files… which are entirely made up of lies. Now I had a friend who was twenty sign for me and I have my learners permit. I applied to hcc Hillsborough community college, in tampa fl. Now attend full time, I received financial aid pail grant, for my tuition, and had 3 grand left over for free money, which I bought a new phone and am about to buy a moped. As of right now I’m the youngest most successful foster kid in florida, and once I turn 18 in 6 months. I get $1,200 a month until I’m 23 through post secondary education and have four free years of college. I just adopted a three year old German Shepherd mix, with all his shots, neutered, worm free , named Apollo for a twenty dollar adoption fee. No one at my group home has allergies, and I bought everything he needs. And I still have six months of foster care left.

    • 310. Jared  |  November 7, 2014 at 9:47 am

      You are living proof that you can be more than your circumstances. You can do this. You are doing this. Well done and carry on. Never give up. Good luck!

  • 311. ashley  |  November 2, 2014 at 11:05 pm

    I’m sorry but I agree with no haircuts!! I was in foster care and they literally cut my hair from bum length to boy short , no not even a Bob my hair was kept at 1 inch short cuz they were scared I’d get lice… honestly I was bullied throughout elementary and had to hide in the bathroom stalls durring lunch and recess because the school made it a game to pull my hoodie down and laugh at me… Yup I’d hide in my hoodie all day long … They’d call me a boy … it really hurt to be called ugly ever day..

  • 312. Diane Parris Patterson  |  November 14, 2014 at 5:06 pm

    My sister in law left her husband & baby for another man then got mad at him and grabbed the baby & took it to DSS in SC & told them she did nt want the baby..told lies on my brother in law..so the baby was put in foster care that was almost a yr ago…My brother in law has been doing everything he is suppose to he lives with my mother in law and the lady they put him with after 2 months wanted the baby for herself..Now they are not wanting to give him his child back & the foster mother is fighting to adopt him…This is wrong…Are these foster parents not told not to get attached to these kids? This lady has done went and got an attorney..

    • 313. LooneyTunes  |  November 15, 2014 at 11:35 am

      unfortunately, i think what foster parents are told varies widely, because workers vary widely.
      some suck and tell lies all the time. some are good and try to be real.

      i think when it comes to babies, it introduces a WHOLE other issue… everyone wants a healthy baby, not everyone wants an 8 year old…
      so they attach to the baby, etc….

      • 314. MaryB  |  November 16, 2014 at 4:17 pm

        Hi LT, I want to thank you for creating this site, and for all of the insights from personal experience you bravely share for those of us who otherwise would not know what children in the foster system far too often endure.

        I wonder if you could explain about rule #9, how it is that adoption rewards the state with money? I am beginning to suspect that is the reason why my family was denied all opportunity to a beloved child, (and her brother), who probably is my biological granddaughter. Because we had photos and more to prove a loving history with them, and were not part of why they ended up in state custody.

        I would love to see you publish a book on all that you know about the neglects and abuses of state foster systems – and maybe even appear on some of the better TV talk shows to help get the word out. The work you are already doing, however, may very well help to save future children some of the same traumas you had to endure.

        Some of us out here really do care. It is that we have had no way of knowing until courageous souls like yourself have begun to speak out. Too, what power do we have over a corrupt system when we aren’t even able to rescue one of our own without absurd amounts of money to fight legal battles? If I sent money now, (that the state has permanent custody), for our Lovies needs, how can I even know that they will be the ones to benefit from it? If I keep them in mind with letters and cards, ect., do they even get those past permanent custody? Because their letters to us ended after the Judge’s ruling.

        Thank you, peace, healing and prosperity

      • 315. Sherrie VanSickle  |  January 5, 2017 at 11:33 pm

        Bruce “looneytunes” Raymond Fisher it is 2017. We need you home in Iowa, you are 23 years old. Family waiting. What state are you in? Please call Sherrie, Email me today vansicklepets@gmail.com. Tou dream has ended call us, family your blood kid. Caleb would love to see you also. 5159747242. DHS fucked things up….

    • 316. Shaye  |  January 12, 2015 at 3:38 am

      It is physically impossible not to get “attached.” I am a foster parent and I have formed attachments with all of the children that have been in my care, some more so that others depending on the length they are in care.

      Technically foster parents sign a contact saying they will not fight for the children. However, this would depend on the child’s circumstances and length in care. The foster mother will not have a leg to stand on if there is no evidence your brother in-law is “unfit” most likely she is filing to become a “de facto” parent to get custody. Typically when foster parents breach their contract the state cancels it and the children are taken to another home, this may not happen in all cases but is a possibility. This woman is pretty much saying that the child is worth the fight and she doesn’t care is she loses the ability to foster children.

      Lets put it this way, attachment can happen in many forms. Just like you get attached to certain things because you have them so long, or an animal, a biological child etc… That’s how foster parents are too, every time a foster child leaves our care its hard on us emotionally. We never fully know children are being cared for or for their well being or having their needs met but we struggle through those feelings.

      I challenge anyone to foster children and TRULY care for them and NOT get attached, because if you are human and have any compassion you CANNOT do so.

  • 317. Jane Doe  |  November 16, 2014 at 7:29 pm

    I was in fc for 4 years. The first home my sister’s and I were placed in was the longest stay and the worst abuse. They were “religious” so our case worker turned a blind eye. We were physically and emotionally abused, abuse that still has an effect on me at 20 years old. They withheld food, deprived us of sleep, beat us, withheld visitation with our mother, and the emotional trauma it caused was much worse. As for these rules, I remember most of them in particular the haircut one. For my first day of middle school my dad took us to a salon to get highlights. That resulted in severe discipline. As for the money, we were allotted an allowance and money for school clothes each year from the state which we never saw. After 3 years my dad took us on a visit and saw the bruises all over my body. He refused to bring us back and we were placed elsewhere until we finally were allowed to return to my mom. Last I knew they were allowed to reopen as a fc and even adopted some kids. After our abuse xase made it through court, they were still allowed to do this. I still suffer from depression and disorders stemming from this. From my experience the system is broken and in my case the “home” I was placed in was much worse than the minor neglect I came from. I know that there is probably a lot of people who open up their homes to foster children for the right reasons, but I never experienced that.

  • 318. vicky  |  November 30, 2014 at 5:38 pm

    Im very sorry u are so depressed and disgruntled maybe a good old pentecostal church service will help you I know the rules just dont seem fair but it is for the protection of children

    • 319. Dylan Campbell  |  December 7, 2015 at 8:05 am

      is this vickie smith?

  • 320. M  |  December 20, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    I’m a foster parent and I completely agree with your list of BS rules.
    The very system that is placed to help them screws them over more and more. We’ve had two kids for five months now and we’ve had 7…7 different case workers on this case. They change CONSTANTLY. Nothing’s getting done.
    Bio mom has 3 months to complete any and all training necessary to get the kids back. She hasn’t sterted. The kids have been in the system for a year now. They just upped her visits to five days a week. WHY!? WHY!?
    It’s detrimental to the childs well being as we see NO PROGRESS IS BEING MADE….
    I just want these kids to have a normal child hood…

  • 321. Rose  |  December 30, 2014 at 1:26 pm

    I agree with you about alot of these rules, but like most rules or laws there stupid. I was a foster parent and they would not work with someone jumping through hoops to get their kid back. Just because of pot ,which they stopped. They also pay for private education if u are a foster child with a disability, but if your biochild has a disability no help for you. I wanted to let you know you are loved and important. God can help he has helped me most of my life. I was not loved as a child but it was by my bioparents. Without god i probably would have commited suicde at 9 years old being beaten everyday and raped. So go get meds for your depression and look for a brighter day.

  • 322. jenn  |  January 3, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    the only one i agree with is #4 and #10 other that grow up, social workers purposely screw parents out of getting kids back even when there working on every corrupt pos thing they “need” to do to get THIER children home!

  • 323. Yana  |  January 5, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    I think that in your state I would try to fight for my life to have a pet in your foster home and I had a trampoline, but we were not supposed to jump on it or we will get in trouble ugh so boring

    • 324. LooneyTunes  |  January 6, 2015 at 1:48 pm

      that is what i heard about the trampolines when i was on the streets. foster kids couldnt be on them.
      its ok for other kids, but not foster kids.
      i dont know if my state allows pets now. but it sucked cause i never had a pet growing up.
      did you have pets in foster care?

  • 325. Christine  |  January 23, 2015 at 11:59 am

    We are getting a foster child today and we have 7 cats. But it might be different because it’s a small town or maybe cause it’s canada .

  • 326. Joan  |  January 27, 2015 at 10:40 am

    I am new to your blog, so I don’t know if this information has been shared. Regarding the “no haircut” rule. This rule goes historically back to events when Naïve American children were “assimilated” into white society and sent to boarding schools where their hair was cut, they were given uniforms, and taught “appropriate” life style; disregarding the culture of the Native Americans, as well as beliefs regarding the symbolic importance of their hair. Generally, as a foster parent, I have been given permission for haircuts without much hassle.

  • 327. blanktoo2  |  February 16, 2015 at 12:56 am

    I know where you’re coming from.. I started out from the same starting line but the similarities end there; #1: stop whining about getting adopted; if you’re old enough to write in this blog, you need a reality check that you’re too old to *get adopted; start pulling your life together to *be the adopter: Plan your own stable life, career marriage and family. #2 The best revenge is success; most people figure foster kids to be permanently damaged goods and they expect all the sad, damaged stories; Stop the pitying & give’m a surprise by bypassing the lowered expectations. Get your ass to college, focus on being successful, not wounded and plan your life goals like you were born into royalty and survived WWIII. One good thing about being alone: you have the freedom to start anywhere. Choose a cheaper place to live than the city you’re in now. Take some serious time to plan carefully and you’ll come up with good solutions to your tight budget. Of course you have to be committed to the long haul to really make this work but your own commitment will attract others to help at the critical points – but the responsibility is only on you to get to your goals. #3 Count your blessings, in my state foster kids get adopted very quickly and in turn end up end dead just as quickly; Google “Nubia” and “Miami” and “foster” to find out exactly what I’m referring to. On the other hand, Florida responded to old farts like me speaking out and they now offer foster kids the opportunity to get their DL AND they have a great scholarship program for foster kids to get assistance for pre-law and law school. The good people are out there, you have to look for them, yell for them. Stop paying homage to the negatives. #4 follow my advice and You WILL be successful and no one will even believe you grew up in foster care – I know, I’ve been there… your past was theirs, your future is yours.. Stop the pity party and get on with your life.. there is SO much more in the future than a tenth of your life in childhood foster care..”Shake it off baby, shake it off..” & grow up; there is a wonderful, sweet life there in the future YOU make, not in the past that others made.

  • 328. Gregory Feltman  |  February 24, 2015 at 9:33 am

    We are the good parents going through this nightmare. We are here to make a difference in all these Children’s Lives. Our Number 405-628-9826 please call us. They are hurting our Children. We will hold them accountable.

  • 329. Zuleyka Lopez  |  March 7, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    Hi, I’m a college student and I’m writing a essay about same sex marriage. I know that has nothing to do with this blog in particular but Rule #6 is a good response to same sex couples not being able to foster kids in some states. I think what you said in your rule is spot on to what believed in. It really should not matter as long as your in a loving home. Anyways I don’t want to steal your thoughts without your permission. Is it okay to use your rule #6 in my essay?

  • 330. Mrs Hajek  |  March 28, 2015 at 12:05 am

    Are foster parents alowed to tell ther foster kids that they are there real parents knowing the child is going to be placed back with there parents

  • 331. K.N  |  March 28, 2015 at 3:04 pm

    Wow.. So I work for Children’s Services and a lot of these statements are outdated. In most cases, each state has their own rules as to what the courts have determined to be the edibility criteria for the children in care, foster parents and birth parents guidelines.
    Its unfortunate of the experiences, but lets not forget that there are children who age out, adopt-out or are reunified with their families.

    We cant choose our birth parents, or what they fail to do to protect their children.

  • 332. Meredith  |  April 5, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    While I agree with lots of your points luckily some aren’t accurate in at least my state.I’m single, have pets and my soon to be foster kids will be aloud to drive. If I were gay I’d be allowed to foster/adopt too. Thank goodness! So glad I live in Va.

  • 333. Karen Greene  |  April 25, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    I live in PA. We are allowed to have pets. We have 3 horses, a dozen chickens, a turkey a pot belly pig, 2 dogs and a cat! We are supposed to ask about haircuts but after TPR we do not any longer. We’ve mostly had boys and just got the haircut when needed without asking. Keeping the same cut of course. We also have a trampoline that our foster children are allowed on at any time. Guess I’m glad we live in Pennsylvania! Good luck to all of you.

  • 334. Tiffany  |  May 1, 2015 at 3:48 am

    Please if you could persoanlly email me. I’m currently trying to get my brother and sister out of foster care and could really use a bit of advice.

  • 335. scottcammarata  |  May 1, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    I wish that I could just generally say I AGREE. I am a foster parent first and *was a family support worker. I had 30 kids on my caseload. Before I became an FSW I assumed that even when I didn’t agree or understand the decisions of our workers, that there was some sort of plan. They didn’t! Social workers are not educated enough to make the decisions they have the ability to make. For instance, I am working on, but do not have my social work degree. I was able to determine the length and frequency of visits. I was also allowed to make decisions without being informed. I also had no formal training in sexual abuse, drug/alcohol dependency, poverty, court proceedings, or how to interact with children in trauma. I got better training as a foster parent…

  • 336. Kell  |  May 3, 2015 at 11:52 am

    We live in Maryland and have been foster parents for over ten years. Some of the rules are the same. One child has been in the system for over ten years with five siblings. The eldest, aged out. Parents live in Florida, rights still remain. Adoption not an option because the younger ones refuse. They are kids, when did they allow children to make such decisions? The other foster child, has been with me for three years. Mom gets to see him but won’t do anything to get him back. The other child, came at the age of seven, adoption wasn’t brought up until she was sixteen. The system really needs to observe what is in the best interest of the child not them. The youngest I have known since the age of one, now ten and starting fires, stealing and lying. Brought it up to workers and therapist, they swept it away. Asked over a week ago, for her removal. Still waiting.

  • 337. re  |  May 7, 2015 at 1:13 pm

    You have a very good point in this! The thing I hate the most is having to get permission from bio parents to take my foster children on vacation. We are supposed to treat these children like our own. I would never leave my bio child in an unknown respit family for a week so why would I feel comfortable doing it to my foster child? I love our foster children dearly and I would do anything for them. If adoption is an option for us than we will jump in whole heartedly. And as for the incentive, that is being put away so that if we do adopt than that child can be put into a good school. My husband makes good money so we want that to be put back for the kiddos. I love being a foster mom and I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything.

  • 338. Lorynn  |  May 11, 2015 at 10:37 pm

    I’m confused about the haircut thing. Does this mean, “no trimming”? Or no “haircut” as in don’t change the style or take off more than an inch? Because a boy should have his haircut every 6 weeks (as long as it doesn’t interfere with culture). I live in a community where boys wear their hair short, Rarely will you see a boy with long hair. So I can’t imagine a foster boy going two years without a haircut, it wouldn’t be good for him socially. I’m on this site because I want to foster and it would make my WORLD to be able to adopt. So I’m trying to find out as much as possible before I apply. I don’t want to be rejected. I have so much love and support to give. Older kiddos are probably my genre so that is good as most want the babies. If someone could explain the haircut thing better, I’d appreciate it. I am so saddened to see that I can’t have pets. I can’t imagine giving up my three dogs. Two middle sized ones and a five pound one. They are sooo sweet, but I had a feeling it would be an issue because as it is known, “dogs can bite”. Mine have never so much as nipped at anyone, but I do understand the courts being concerned about this. So bummed and unsure what to do. I want to Foster so badly and I KNOW ti is my calling.

  • 339. KDT  |  May 14, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Any thing the American Government controls – be it state , local, or federal. Is Run incompetently….. All government employe’s are Under Worked & Over Paid !!!! If they Make mistakes or do a bad job,- Nothing happens they don’t get fired ..they produce Nothing, live off the tax payers money & don’t answer to us.. Most abuse the same people there paid to be working for. And no way a pension for life should be paid !!! A cop or fire man retires at 43 after working 25 years . Now for the next 40 years or more he gets 75% of his last years salary & health care , dental & vision … That’s Bull Shit!!!!! No privet company can afford to pay there employees that much… So how can government??? They can’t that’s why NYC is Bankrupt !!!! You can’t work for 20 or 25 years then get paid for 40 more years for retirement… If you took all the money government paid just 1 cop or fireman in NYC from day 1 on job till retirement death…. The average government paid cop fireman is paid 5.1 – 6.1 million dollars for 1 average worker) That’s NUTS !!! Work for 20 or 25 years get paid for 65 years. So every 1 year he works he’s paid for 3 …. ( think about it)) So if a cop or fire man makes $ 85,000 a year… x’s by 3 = $255,000 per year for 20 – 30 years… That’s the total money paid from day 1 till retired death age of 78… Is this fair , responsible , or acceptable to the tax paying public? It’s not to me!!!! FYI if add in the cost of medical dental vision insurance it’s even more… The numbers I gave were with free health care insurance… How many people pay for there own insurance??? I sure do….. They should have to all s

  • 340. Mary DeLong  |  May 16, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    There are some new stupid rules in my state: I foster two boys aged 15 and 16. Both are good swimmers much better than I. One is becoming a life guard this spring, but neither is allowed to use our pool unless I am watching them. Here is a really good one that pissed me off. I am a RN with 28 years experience mostly in ER and ICU but I was required to take a day long basic first aid class taught by a student nurse.

    • 341. Toby  |  November 19, 2015 at 11:39 am

      Ya I know that’s right. I wanted to take 2 boys out on the boat but I couldn’t because of that.

  • 342. valerie robinson  |  May 24, 2015 at 5:10 pm

    My kids are 6 an 13 they terminated my rights. But I have my own place,a car, food, I go to all appointments. Arkansas Dhs said I make bad decision they think you have to be perfect my kids are needy

  • 343. mike  |  May 26, 2015 at 4:40 pm

    I was in the system at age 4 til i was 18 thats when i got a choice to be adopted or live on my own and i ended up getting adopted that was 14 years in the system

  • 344. mike  |  May 26, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    My dad passed and dss didnt tell me til a year later

  • 345. Kristy  |  July 1, 2015 at 9:22 am

    In have 2 kids in froster care my son Bailey he went into care at12mths old and he’s 2yrs old my first daughter destiny grace in care as well she went in to care at 3mths old and destiny is 7mths old now is still in care. I’m pregnant again I don’t wanted to do cos I don’t believe in abortions. DHS will try take it. But if I organise care now I should be win the case. I live a stable house

  • 346. Auntie Ann  |  July 13, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    Cool blog and good points. But the core of the issue is that children have no civil rights in this country period. They are and have been viewed as property since the beginning of time. Adults have rights children get f@@k all nothing. The 15/22 law seems like it gets stretched out all over the place while the kids stay in limbo. There are plenty of bios that WANT their kids. Mysteriously they all seem to be awesome parents that are being picked on by the system. Amaze balls ! So by all means let’s give them years and years to get their act together, let them visit and confuse the child and let’s keep the kids from getting on with their lives with ready willing and able parents who want to adopt. The Caylee Anthony murder is a clear and extreme example of how children have no rights. If Caseys bestie had been the one to go missing, last seen with Casey and with her hair in Caseys stinky trunk and skull found taped in her neighborhood, you better believe she would still be in jail. But because Caylee was a baby gosh it’s a big mystery. Golly she may have died accidentally you know how crazy kids can be. The only bios that deserve their kids back are the ones who own up and put as much effort into rectifying the situation quickly as they did into screwing up their kids lives instead of running around blaming everyone else and the system. Fosters deserve the right to live a normal life with all the hair cuts and vacations a decent family is willing to give them!

  • 347. Sam Hedron  |  July 14, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    We got two girls who have been in the system for ten years and still no TPR. They’ve been bounced around, parents still haven’t done what they’re supposed to do. Previous family would have been willing to adopt but TPR was taking so long they gave up and the girls came to us. And now they miss their previous foster family so much they pretty much avoid us at all costs and only talk to their caseworker about wanting to go back. We keep being told to involve them in family activities and get them to attach but they want nothing to do with that.

  • 348. Hiding my identity  |  July 20, 2015 at 9:47 pm

    I was in foster care for a lie that wasn’t true. My dad got convicted for melesting a church friend even though he was even around that day the convection was made, the accusers mother 1 month before wanted to have a sexual relationship with my father, he didn’t want to, so it’s really convenient.. I was 7 and in the system for 6 months and 12 days. It fucked me up. I have PTSD from it. I was so happy at my own home, unfourtualy I was emotionally and sometime physically abused at my foster home. I was told I was stupid and ugly. When I’m very smart. I had a 4.0 average before. I remember one night the adoptive daughter that I had to share a room with was talking in her sleep and I woke up with my foster dad throwing my stuff animals on the floor and hers… He then dragged me by the hair and then I got away and he dragged me by my feet and I kicked him and then he pulled my by my arm and ear and I bit him out of fear and he slapped me so hard I fell where he picked me up and put me in the basement and beat my butt and then he yelled at me and he wanted a answer while I was crying and slapped me in the face.. I was told I was never going I see my parents again and they were going to adopt me. They grounded me for forgetting to brush my teeth… They told my parents lies.. Like I changed my underwear twice a day. One in morning and one at bed. I don’t know why but I did and my foster mother blamed it on my dad. My life was fucking perfect before foster care. Afterwards.. It changed me.. I used to get all As in school and now I get as and bs. I’m not a normal teen because of it either. My mom lives in fear of what happened and she never trusts anything because she trusted the accusers mother at the time.. I don’t want to live like that but I have nightmares of the torture and hell I went through… One thing that came out of it was in stronger than ever. And I learned the value of family at such a young age. I have my shitty and fucked up days because of it and moments but I still love happily and brave and strongly. I still have problems because of a girl who doesn’t like me.. She kinda told all the jocks about my past and it was rumors and it just kept on building on. I don’t trust my school now though. They care more about the biggest bitch of my life’s popularity than my past. Which is another hard part. I’ve also lost a lot of friends because of my past… In first grade, during foster care.. I got a bad yeast infection.. So I didn’t know better not to itch and rub and my teacher told the counserler and she asked me and I just said no. She said my teacher caught me messing with my no no area and I said I was itching it…. Please don’t make fun of that. My life really has been hard. I feel as though I’m in a group of fake friends because they heard about t past and I just feel lost. More lost than any teenager should be.

    • 349. Hiding my identity  |  July 20, 2015 at 9:51 pm

      Sorry that my comment is all over the place

  • 350. Healy Malone  |  August 28, 2015 at 5:52 am

    I was in foster care myself and had to run away and leave state because of illegal plans being set into play and done. I am currently only 19 years old and am homeless and can’t get any help. I want someone like you to help me with issuing a lawsuit against the state of Nebraska and the foster care system of NFC. If you wanna discuss details contact me on Facebook. My name is Healy Marie Malone and I’m from and in Omaha, Nebraska.

  • 351. Ruth  |  September 6, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    when foster parents make over $3,000 a month for 2 small children with no problems while kids that have more troubles foster parents gets paid very well over the top that’s not right . All foster parents should have to take a drug test with them not knowing the day of the test better then that do a hair sample there are so many that will fail the test. What about the foster parent who gets drunk and drives with kids in car?? What about the foster parents who always say the child tells lies , When they use that to cover up the way that they are treating the child or children. You have to many unfit foster family’s who only care about the money not the child.The system is so messed up with people caring for children in foster care and placed with foster parents who should not even have children around them. They know how to cover up the twisted person that they really are the social service has them do a back ground check !!! Well guess what they might have not been found out yet so no record to show just how twisted they are.Even the fact that they where and are doing hard drugs and they stay drunk use so much that a person who does not know this would not even know just how much they drink a day.There is more abuse in foster care then you will ever know. This is not wright they are children coming from a bad place and put into a worst place at times no justice for the children.The system needs to crack down on all foster parents do hair drug test see just how many will drop out of the system hair will show every thing you have put into you’re body.This test should be a law in every state if you want to foster children and random testing while you are caring for foster children .Rule number one loose the foster parents who should have never been able to care for children in the first place.What about the child that never gets that chance to go back home because foster mother had a bad day and killed the sweet child!!! NEED TO MAKE IT HARDER ON PEOPLE WHO WANT TO FOSTER CHILDREN ,Then you would be left with foster care parents who are not seeing $$$$$ signs but a sweet child who needs tender love and care,The system is passed F- – – – – Up.

  • 352. Kimberly  |  September 24, 2015 at 10:23 am

    Hey! My children are currently locked up in foster care and I’m working on getting them back. The last thing holding me up is childcare. They were placed there because they were left alone by their father when I was in the hospital. Do you have any suggestions on how to handle the system(case workers)when they are not working to reunite your family and are not communicating with you? Help! I’m desparate. I’ve been sober over 7 years. I got sober one month before I even conceived with my oldest.

  • 353. Chris  |  September 29, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Hello, I must commend you because you have very valid points. I almost started to cry when I read all of your “rule”. I am a foster parent but, I totally understand your points and where you are coming from. I wish you the best of luck in life!

  • 354. jankitch55  |  October 11, 2015 at 1:00 am

    Wow! I don’t know a great deal about the foster care system in the USA, but I am an expert (ha) on foster care in the UK and you’d better believe it, if I’m to believe everything I’ve just read I am absolutely certain, the system is very different over here. We started our career – and I use the word deliberately – as specialist and long term foster carers over 20 years ago, and we are now beginning to wind down and think of retirement despite all other professionals involved asking us not to. Both of us love children. We had one of ‘our’ own. We wanted her to have a good life with lots of interests and for her to be a fully rounded person. There was a huge obstacle that we both had to overcome in order to give her a good life. In our careers up until fostering we had both taught high school in a disadvantaged area, I chose to leave teaching as I wanted to be able to reach the whole child not just the one who came ( or didn’t) to school each day. So I became a social worker. By the end of the 80’s we were both retired on health grounds and had only our ill health pensions to live on. We had to find something else to do, for a myriad of reasons and not just financial, although that obviously played a part – I mentioned before we wanted to give our daughter a good life, and while money isn’t half of it it would be stupid to think it doesn’t play a part in many people’s reasons for becoming a foster career. What skills could we offer the job market? We were proficient DIYers, good cooks, and my husband could strip down and rebuild any car from scratch including making body panels and spray painting. His physical health was fine ( Ill health retirement due to a nervous breakdown by him). I was a mess physically and in and out of hospital, so we thought maybe caterers? No we didn’t really want to be professional outside caterers. Rebuild and sell second hand cars especially classics? Good idea in part, but we were approaching a new recession – a short foray into used car sales proved it was the wrong time and definitely the wrong career path for us. What did that leave us? Our real skills lay in the area of children so we spent a lot of time discussing what opening our home up to strangers (in the first place) who for whatever reason we’re not able to live with their natural parent(s) would mean for the three of us. Part of my health problems meant that I was unable to have any more children and we had always wanted our daughter to have at least one sibling. So after a lot of heart searching we were sufficiently convinced that we could offer a real service to the young people in the care service and give them a decent quality of life. Now we had the job of finding which local authority (la) to approach, we lived in the north of England so there were about 5 or 6 authorities that might be interested in the skills we could bring to their looked after children and young people. We went through a very vigorous training and vetting programme. We identified that our skills would be used to their best advantage if we offered to take older young people 11-16+ especially those with a very troubled history. Our daughter was 6 months old when we began the process, we eventually went to panel to be approved as foster carers of our selected age range when she was almost 3 years old. The panel had reservations not because they didn’t think we would make the mark, but because of both our health problems so we were approved initially on a 6 month trial. The rules and regulations have changed over the years, but in essence it is still the same job. We are taking into our homes young people who for whatever reason society in general has written off. It is our job to put that right as best we can. Not all young people enter the care system because they have been abused in all its guise, by their families or friends, and not all foster children are bad members of society. All young people who come into the care system have been damaged one way or another and we try to minimise at least the effect. Foster carers along with a charity “The Fostering Network” have worked tirelessly to provide and get written into statute a “minimum standards of foster care in the uk and Northern Ireland” this sets out in detail, expectations from all persons involved in the care system including the young person themselves. Included in the standards is a recommended but unfortunately not mandated minimum allowance that a career should get for the children in their care. Some Authorities also pay carers a fee, but not all, and of those that do, only particular carers may be entitled to the fee because of the nature of the care they offer. All Foster Carers, new and old, have to complete a training programme with evidence designed by the ” children’s development work council” new carers have to complete this training within 12 months of being approved by panel. There are lots of other training courses available for carers some of which can be completed online as frequently carers have little time to spare. There are also a ‘core’ group of training programmes that have to be refreshed regularly. If a carer does not complete their required training they will not have any children placed with them until they undertake the necessary training. Additionally our LA was the first in the uk to run a support group for the natural children of foster carers, and the good work they achieved led to my daughter being one of two YP chosen to offer a workshop for the ‘fostering community’ not just foster carers at the annual conference of The Fostering Network in London.she also toured to other LA’s to explain to them how the support group worked. As a result of that ( she was 14 by now) she was then head hunted by The Fostering Network to be part of a team of YP in the north of England promoting the work of fostering in general and working with young people from both sides of the coin so to speak. Along with the minimum standards, there are many other rules, most of them are in place to protect child/YP or carer and family members. The reality in the UK at least is that foster care is no longer about ‘Mrs Cannybody’ on every street corner, taking under her wings all the waifs and strays. Today it is a much more difficult job and I do not apologise for calling it a job, even though my husband and I see it more as a professional calling, it is a job we work very hard to be good at and as such should be fiscally rewarded, as well as being seen as doing a professional job and recognised as such by other professionals in a YP care team. As a foster carer we can only ever have 3 YP to live with us at any one time. The only exception to this rule is where there is a large sibling group that everyone involved in the YPs care believe should not be separated. Even then they have to be approved by a judge in court. As carers we do not just open our doors and welcome the child, we try to include the whole family wherever possible and work hard to have a good relationship with natural parents as well as any other members of the child’s family or friendship group. The YP in care also have a voice that is heard quite clearly in our LA. ‘ The Children in Care Council’ consisting entirely of looked after people, with SW support, they create a regular newsletter to all children and young people in care and try and highlight to the LA areas they believe improvements could be made. The children in care council are elected as necessary by their peers. Often this is not really a ‘fought for’ position as getting young people to represent their peers and advocate for others is quite a daunting task. One of the things the children in care council highlighted and successfully achieved real change in was personal belongings. Children in care were disheartened and felt like rubbish themselves when their belongings, at a change of placement of any type including returning to parents, being adopted etc., were all packed up in black bin bags. As soon as the team for foster care learned this was happening more than they thought a new ‘rule’ was made with immediate effect, that no young person was to leave a foster home without appropriate luggage, even if it is only a hold-all and some crates. Other areas that have changed cover some of the points raised at the top. Being in the back of a car, is up to the individual carer once the young person is legally allowed to sit in the front of the car. Most day to day activities, including overnight stays away from the home are now left to the discretion of the carers in the same way as a not in care child. The use of taxis to take a child to school is discouraged, though sometimes has to happen. This is all part of ‘normalising’ the LAC rather than have them standing out like a sore thumb and being ‘different’. The LAC is consulted and included in their care package as much as they want to be involved, some more than others. There are 2 formal reviews of a LAC chaired by an independent officer, who has no other dealings with the LAC, every year. Everyone involved with the child is invited to these reviews including the child and their parents, all are invited to either complete a small questionnaire or to simply talk about their own experiences. Most recently a new website has been created for all foster children to go on and discuss things with someone independent not just twice a year but whenever they feel the need, no one is coerced to use the website however. In addition to the two reviews, a LAC also has regular care team meetings with a core group, where a child’s progress or not can be discussed and ways of managing things can be offered to anyone wanting it. A care team meeting can be called by any one on the care team and that includes theYP and the carers. Social workers visit every eight weeks mandatory, although that can be changed to far more frequently if deemed necessary for whatever reason. On their mandatory visits, they will ask to see the YP room, to ensure their needs are being adequately met in this respect. It is not an inspection of ‘tidiness’ in fact, all children have their own rooms except for sibling groups who may not want to be separated, this is agreed at a placement meeting that is held the day the YP comes to live with you. Wherever possible a parent will also attend and will see where they are living, and what sort of environment they are coming into. This where we all set out our stall! It is this meeting that sets the ground rules. So for example, bed times, pocket money, chores (sometimes, though we tend not to) etc. At this meeting we always point out to the YP that their bedroom is their bedroom and that wherever possible we will not enter it unless invited to do so. Exception to this are also pointed out and these include if we believe there are stolen goods, drugs or weapons being kept there or if it is so unhygienic that steps have to be taken to sanitise it. The YP in our care are giving the same as any YP, so if they want it, they have a music system, free view tv etc. Times when they can use these may be given, particularly on a school night. If the YP is likely to remain with us beyond a couple of months then they will get the opportunity to have their room decorated their own way, either by us or on their own as they decide or are capable of.
    We have fostered now for 20 years. Not a lot has changed in those years with the exception of the YP who come and stay with us. We have experienced high times and low times, children have assaulted us, spat on us, destroyed their own rooms and communal rooms, even broken double glazed front doors with 9 action mortise locks, threatened us with knives the list goes on. The high time outweigh the low and every YP we have occasioned to meet years after the have lived with us invariably see the time they lived with us as part of our family were the best times, the times they will never forget. We took an 8 year old waif on a permanent placement with us. When he was 14 we went to court where we were given a Special Guardianship order for him. That meant that PR transferred from the LA to us as his de facto parents. We gained an adopted son the only difference in the SG order to an adoption order being that he didn’t take on our family name, although he knows he can if he ever wants too. This ‘waif’ we recognised very quickly was not in the ‘normal’ range for his age. With a lot of research by us and a determination to do the right thing for him we fought the LA and won and finally got his ‘otherness’ diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum at the very high achieving end, once known as Aspergers. He was in good company, both Einstein and Beethoven were thought to have similar! He graduated last summer with a first class honours degree, quickly followed by a job offer in his chosen field! He did it himself – with a lot of support and because he was a child in care, his education costs were met by the LA and he started his working life without one penny of student debt. He is now 23 and still burrows away in his little room each night with his online friends community. Proud ? You bet we are!
    Another boy came to us age 10, despite 3 + years of hell we stuck by him despite both of us almost having a nervous breakdown. He messed up his education a little and became romantically involved with the wrong girl for a while. After several false starts, he has just started his ‘last chance’ year at a local further education college where he hopes to complete a level 3 access course so that he can get a university place. We are hopeful that in his education at least he has seen the light as he has so much potential if he can learn to channel it the right way. He remains in place with us, he is almost 19 now. Finally our youngest, a diagnosis of ADD he tests our patience daily. He was 10 when he arrived, exhibited a very regressed behaviour more akin to a 5 year old. We have turned a corner with him too, we hope. He is now 14 and has advanced emotionally to about a 10 year old. Academically, he recently learned that he actually did have a brain that he could use to improve his life chances and is currently achieving at least age appropriate, in some cases older, academically. These 3 will be our last. Its time for us to retire and have some time with each other that doesn’t have to be scheduled into a dairy!
    150+ YP have passed through our home on their life’s path, most, I genuinely believe see their time with us as a positive experience. Many still see us around and about. The 3 we have now, though will most likely stay forever a part of our family. They all have requested after living with us for at least a year, to have a professional photograph with me, my husband and daughter, (and the Weimaraner- we can’t forget her!) so that they can be in canvas in pride of place on the living room wall. All the other children hang on the walls of the halls and staircases a testament to our dedication, we occasionally struggle to remember a name of a YP but can point him out on the wall and one of the three of us will remember who he was! What does our daughter think about having to share her parents with other people’s children, and sometimes having to be a spectator while a YP has what we call ‘a dicky fit’. Her response? I wouldn’t have missed it for the world, my experiences have been unique and have made me who I am. Who is she? A beautiful daughter with the temper to match her red hair, who has shared and loved her life with all her ‘brothers and sisters’, she is intelligent, has a quick wit, is popular and is currently working for her degree in photography, her project currently is a photograph narrative book about? How foster care has shaped our lives. Are we better people as a result of fostering, dang right we are, and proud of it. Yes it’s a job, it has given all of us and I include the LAC a good life, we’ve seen the world. We have been paid to be foster carers, being paid to look after other people’s children for whatever reason doesn’t make us bad people, it means that good people, who I believe include me and my family, can offer a child(ren) a second chance or third or fourth chance at making a better life for themselves. It doesn’t really matter why they ended up in the system, it matters what they did with the time they spent there.

  • 355. Michael DiTomasso  |  October 14, 2015 at 9:37 am

    Hey, I see this is a 2011 blog. I hope you are not still depressed. You have a clear and comprehensive understanding of a complex area that baffles the experts. You can’t be dumb. You go to work despite your depression. You can’t be lazy.

    Maybe your calling is to be an advocate or an agent of change in the system.

    Don’t let the shark have you. You have the shark. (I live in Florida. Me and my son catch them now and then. They are good on the grill, There’s no bones, you know.

    Please remember that the best revenge is success. Be happy. Live a good life. Be at peace.


  • 356. Ovidia Lorsung  |  October 15, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    I’m a Foster kid myself rn and honestly I’m breaking one of the rules rn we can’t have social media or even be on it lol we can have pictures of ourselves were not allowed to go out anywhere unless we have a adult. They set us in homes and RTCs thinking we would be safe but we end up getting abused or raped but they don’t care there only doing this for money. We have no rights anymore but yet they want us to be “normal teenagers” y’all can hit me up anytime at Ovidia.lorsung16@gmail.com I’m free around school times.

    • 357. Ovidia Lorsung  |  October 15, 2015 at 5:07 pm

      I mean can’t have pictures of ourselves

  • 358. Brooke  |  October 16, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    I am doing my senior project on the Foster Care system and I was wondering if I could use this as part of it? What you have posted is exactly what I’m looking to use. And, I would obviously quote you on everything I use.

  • 359. angelica  |  October 27, 2015 at 12:40 am

    it’s sad that kids in the system get tried badly everyone just wants to know someone cares I had friends in the system they hated it they couldn’t sleepover peoples houses which is the stupidest thin I ever heard. My mom was also in the system she said how some kids get tried like there nothing how her and her brothers and sisters in the system did. it’s a great thing your doing shedding light on whats really going on in the system

  • 360. justin frazier  |  October 28, 2015 at 11:36 pm

    i have a question
    can dfs force a child that is 18 to stay in school instead of doing online schooling

  • 361. denisha pinnenski  |  October 31, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    umm my dad abuses me and i want to no how can i get put in a foster home and never get put with my parents again i i ve told the cops but they say whatever and welll i heal fast so i dont no how i can make a case can u help me plz

  • 362. hrgymgirl@gmail.com  |  November 1, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    One of the stupid rules where I live is that when a foster child moves to a new carer, the old carer is not allowed to have any contact with the foster child. For some that may be a good thing, well if their dumb enough to put the foster child with a druggie or something, but what about the families who miss the child?

    I was the sister to a foster child for 5 years and then one day they just took the child away, saying we are never allowed to see him again. I never even got to say goodbye. Their reason was that we were forcing religion on him but as a 6 year old what were we supposed to do? Leave him home alone as we go to church on Sunday? We were like any other normal family living in a small, very family orientated community with lots of space to play and really no dangers unless you count reading bible story picture books to the child before bed.

    Anyway, we sent him a birthday present after he left but the social workers sent it straight back, they make sure that his new address is kept secret and any social media he may have is kept fully private. It’s his birthday this week but i have not been able to wish him happy birthday in 10 years. I don’t know if he even remembers me.

    • 363. ...  |  November 1, 2015 at 10:09 pm

      shit, i put my email in the name section and can’t fix it. is there anyway you can?

  • 364. wannabenobody  |  November 10, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    I am writing a novel and I can’t find an answer to this question, once taken from your home, where do you go? Is a foster home preplanned? What if its a dire emergency? Where would ghey keep the kids for the night or nights?

    • 365. Samantha  |  March 22, 2016 at 5:19 am

      I can help with your answer, I was picked up during school hours not letting my siblings and I go home to get our things just what we had. We got taken to a temporary place kinda like a group home but the longest you stayed was two months if they could not find a placement meaning with a family member or a foster home then you would get placed at a group home. I stayed for a month and a day from December 3 to January 3 which sucked.

  • 366. Toby  |  November 19, 2015 at 11:03 am

    Ya I hear you. I’ve been trying to talk to children services for the past two years now it seems like one donkey show after the other. I’m a single straight guy that owns my own home and makes good money and I’m in a very nice neighborhood but because I’m not socially acceptable it its just not happening. I’m even trying to adopt sibling brothers and that’s what’s needed but still nothings happening.

  • 367. Jennifer  |  November 23, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    This is an important blog and a great resource. Thanks for keeping it up!


  • 368. Tara  |  November 29, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    I do not know, what happened in your situation, but i also think CPS rules and foster care are just horrifying. I am a parent, though. My kids was taken by CPS and are in foster care now. I did not sleep, I did not eat, I scream, because I do not know, what is going on with my children. From the first moment I did everything possible, but they are keeping my children away. They are just saying, we are not going to give you children back fast (as you dared to argue some things about CPS), they do not care they are the one, who abusing my children, causing trauma by separation. They are throwing me to more and more services, and finding unbelievable excuses to keep my children longer. They do not care about children!
    I am scared about, what is done to my children, while they are in foster care. They are not speaking normally sometimes. I am afraid they might be put on drugs. And they are only 2 and 5 y. o.

  • 369. Dylan Campbell  |  December 4, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    I am a kid in foster care in NY my best friend and I have all our rights stolen. They tricked my dad into signing me in because hes not really educated. One thing they do that is wrong is they force us to take medications rather we need them or not. The rule book says we must receive 2 hours of visitation a month as long as we have someone to see and it says that those visitations cannot be taken away as a punishment to the kids. My best friend went almost 1 full year without visitation and i just lost mine for something slight and had nothing to do with the parent they are accusing. If any parents or kids living in the Delaware county foster system are reading this we need to start standing up and taking our rights back. My goal is to rid us of the agency operated houses. Lets get your kids and our rights back.

    • 370. Dylan Campbell  |  December 7, 2015 at 8:33 am

      if you were never a foster child than you don’t know what it feels like to do what many foster children out there are doing right now. what is that you ask? We are getting ready for Christmas without our families. I want all of you kids to know even though i don’t know you I am sorry.

      • 371. Dylan Campbell  |  December 7, 2015 at 8:41 am

        Is it right that after 3/1/2 years I only have one 2 hour visit a week? or should i have more?

  • 372. Justin Webb  |  December 9, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    i am a foster kid in foster care i am 12 WTF IS CPS DOING THEY TOOK MY PHONE EMAIL ME WHAT TO DO AT justinwebb2@chisd.org PLZ SO I DON’T FUCK MY LIFE UP

    • 373. Bremma  |  February 17, 2016 at 4:29 am

      Cps is the crown prosecution service. Are social services wanting to put you on a full care order? Social service will give you file to the CPS and information on your parents. They will decide if u stay in care on a full care order or return home. Don’t be scared to ask questions ask your social worker, Carer or reviewing officer. At your review ask them to send you a copy of the review minutes. It will explain why your in care and what’s happening in court anything you don’t understand just ask. It’s very scary when adults are talking we shorten thing without thinking you don’t understand. Please be brave don’t get frustrated. Ask questions that what the adults are there for. No
      One will lie to you. Good luck xxx

  • 374. Dezerae  |  December 10, 2015 at 2:49 am

    I was in foster care from 8 to 18 it was a hard time in my life they lost me in the system more then once. I never stayed in one home more then 6 months except for a couple of homes it wasn’t easy but I got through it. I never thought about why I always sat in the back of the car when transported to a new homes they just said it was a rule. But thinking about foster care was like a prison. Not a allowed to spend the night at friends house unless the parents had to be fingerprinted or there was a long process to do and a lot of parents didn’t want to take the time to do that so most of the time you were not allowed to do anything. The sad thing is that foster kids are so judged by society it make me so angry because it’s never the child’s fault that they are in the system. I am almost 28 years old and have kids of my own and the past still haunts me at time. My life is never been an easy one. I still don’t have a drivers license because after the foster care system wouldn’t sign over for me to learn how to drive. And when I got out no body wanted to teach me how to drive. My ex never wanted to teach me or had the time. Now I am a single mother n of two wonderful boys though it been hard since there n father got locked up. I been doing the best i can. Sometimes I feel like bad things always happen to me and they have but i know deep down I will get something wonderful coming to me someday. For all those faster kids out there keep your head up. You guys can do this and alway remember there are better things to come as long as you believe that you can do this. Never give up I know there days that you want to because I felt that way many times in my life. Shit I feel like to right now but don’t!!! you can do this. I pray to all you kids every day. And someday I will make a difference in a child’s life because I want to become a social worker someday. Oh and one more thing I hated the most is once your a teen there not many homes that wanted teens wtf is that.

  • 375. kayla  |  December 13, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    If a 15 year old wants to go in to foster care or even gets sent to foster care are they able to pick where they stay in south Carolina

  • 376. Sarah  |  December 16, 2015 at 6:23 am

    Hi I’m in foster care and I hate it please help me with advice ~ Sarah aged 13 first time in foster home I want to go and live with my dad again

    • 377. Bremma  |  February 17, 2016 at 4:19 am

      Hi Sarah, how was Christmas, the first Christmas always from your family is always hard especially at your age. Remember it’s not your fault your in care. I’ll will be that the adults in your life need some extra supory to sort out there own issues. My advice to you is your social worker and Carer are there to help you. Try to stick to there rules even though it may be difficult. At your reviews make sure you are prepared. Mention who you want contact with, is there any group of activity to would like to join e.g dance work shop, yoga, Zumba. All this is available. School
      Will keep you more than they would before at you pep if u need help ask. You are given pep money you could ask for a lap top to help with school work or extra tutoring in subjects you may find hard. I know it’s hard in care but everyone wants the best for you. Instead of fighting against the dreaded social services, work with them. Take it as a really positive operunity. I no someone who’s parents never sent them to school. At 15 she was made to go to school, she wanted to run away from placement because she was scared to go and no one had every told her she had to do things before. She always did want she wanted. She did so to school and 3 years on it doing a degree at university. When she turned 18 she decided she didn’t want to leave her foster home because she loves it there. Try and make the best out of a bad situation. I wish you all the luck in the world. You can do this xxx

  • 378. Deivydas  |  January 11, 2016 at 6:15 pm

    Im in foster care right now for 4 months already im 13 and im fosterd in Ireland but i don’t know how the system works here

    • 379. Bremma  |  February 17, 2016 at 4:31 am

      Hi Sarah, how was Christmas, the first Christmas always from your family is always hard especially at your age. Remember it’s not your fault your in care. I’ll will be that the adults in your life need some extra supory to sort out there own issues. My advice to you is your social worker and Carer are there to help you. Try to stick to there rules even though it may be difficult. At your reviews make sure you are prepared. Mention who you want contact with, is there any group of activity to would like to join e.g dance work shop, yoga, Zumba. All this is available. School
      Will keep you more than they would before at you pep if u need help ask. You are given pep money you could ask for a lap top to help with school work or extra tutoring in subjects you may find hard. I know it’s hard in care but everyone wants the best for you. Instead of fighting against the dreaded social services, work with them. Take it as a really positive operunity. I no someone who’s parents never sent them to school. At 15 she was made to go to school, she wanted to run away from placement because she was scared to go and no one had every told her she had to do things before. She always did want she wanted. She did so to school and 3 years on it doing a degree at university. When she turned 18 she decided she didn’t want to leave her foster home because she loves it there. Try and make the best out of a bad situation. I wish you all the luck in the world. You can do this xxx

  • 380. Lucas leach  |  March 16, 2016 at 4:03 pm

    Yep I love how they show up at your house and scare the shit out of you. Then they demand that you get rid of your pet because he doesn’t like you hurting his people. Then use that as the reason to take your kid. It is like being a happy child is against the rules. The dog is dead now he was considered to old for adoption.

  • 381. Samanrha  |  March 22, 2016 at 5:08 am

    REALLY?! what state are you talking about? All the rules you listed I have broken and I am not really a trouble child I keep to myself a lot. The foster home I am at right now has a pool a trampoline (which I don’t use also having depression makes it hard to really do anything ) 2 dogs 3 cats 3fish. I always sit in the front I ask politely if it’s okay and they usally say yes even though they usally don’t allow it because in case of an accident involving a crash but the ppl I have gotten I am happy with and have a good relationship with casas,social works, and attorneys so I’m grateful for them. I always cut and dye my own hair never got in trouble for it and actually received compliments from them. And much more I’m from California.

  • 382. Ashley  |  March 23, 2016 at 2:01 pm

    Hi I am 14 and I have been in foster care since I was 10. But I have a question. Do my foster parents have the right to take my phone away if my dad is the one paying for it? There are 3 kids in my foster home all together. There is me my brother and my foster parents kid. But yet we are all close to the same age but yet I am always the one getting in trouble for not doin things. But then yesterday they told me that if I don’t start helping out that they were gonna take my phone away. First of all I NEVER come out of my room there I am always in my room. The only time I come out of my room is to eat, use the bathroom, take a shower, or go to school other than that I never leave my room. So why should I have to help out if I’m not doing anything to make a mess or anything. But I honestly think taking my phone is going a little to far. I have a phone a iPod and a tablet but yet they only threaten to take my phone away. I don’t understand that because I can easily text on my iPod without having my phone. But again do they have the right to take my phone if they are not the ones paying for it???

    • 383. Tc  |  March 26, 2016 at 10:56 am

      I have been in your shoes they make the rules in their own home even if is wrong.U seem to be the one picked on,I was too I am almost forty,and them 15 months was some of the worst in my life.It is look that dad got u a phone at fourteen you should be able to have it incase

  • 384. Tc  |  March 26, 2016 at 10:51 am

    I think that no one follows the rules! I am and have been trying to get my children back but I’ve been doing the service plan been completely done since May2014. I’ve been denied CT appt representation and am physically disabled if u have no attorney u shall remain in silence!I’m not from here but everyone else is I was promised to start getting overnights with my four young children then they changed my caseworker the second sw stayed just long enough to make up 3 lies my 57 day infant whom I was breastfeeding was legally kidnapped and if that’s not bad enough they put him away from his siblings.I feel let down,cheated,hated on an stereotyped. Oh defiantly strung along now they want to tpr me WHY because I accidentally showed my anger a couple times in words instead kissing ass!! I won’t quit on my babies I wish I coulda bit my tongue, the foster parent went behind my back and cut my babies curls off I specifically asked please do not cut their hair.and now my kids are in three different places two foster homes wanna adopt and the family in another state qualified for all four they’d been in together but no one will listen to me as my children’s voice I’ve asked for family counseling Been denied and why do I need a speech class ?where does that assist for family reunification,I am depressed then u get angry then I isolate myself,dangnt when I was locked up in thirteen in different foster homes I just couldn’t wait to get home u see I am the oldest of six and we were separated for fifteen to two yrs then it was to late for me to go home I was getting married instead.How can I get my children back they are claiming I don’t have the money to care for my kids but we always had a roof over our head, plenty of food and I even made sure to buy my children a new pair of shoes the other clothing came from yard sales and thrift stores.They had nicer things than me and all that three but my 1,yr old would answer YES if u asked them if they want to come home.

  • 385. Theresia  |  April 4, 2016 at 6:48 pm

    No dude that is not true in foster cars are not seperated and the workers do talk to u and u can have pets trampolines and other things so just stop lieing

  • 386. Michele Yorke  |  April 5, 2016 at 10:15 pm

    My youngest 3 children were put up for adoption on 2/29/16. The judge said we lost our children over time. We did everything they asked and even got a place on our own after they denied us deposit help to reunification with all of our children. The supervisor Ryan in the Gifford ave office in San Bernardino delayed our services so we would pass the 15 month mark. He told me at 18 months that he refuses to give me any services at all.

    We have to stand together against CFS and stop they from hurting other family’s.

    I have started a Facebook page for other parents to come and post so we can unite and stop CFS.

    BTW did you know the 15 month rule is from the state? So the senators and officals that are there to help put this into law to sell more kids.

    I talked to Susan at lovingoods office in Victorville today. She said CFS doesn’t just take kids for no reason.
    After I told her my and others circumstances that CFS took kids she said its the first she’s heard of it. It happens everyday to 100’s of people.

    No body stands up and says anything. They have taken your life away and threaren to keep it if you don’t do what they say.
    Christina Moralaes told me shut up and listen, you are not in control we are.
    Control? What happen to worried about my kids? Now there in control? Of me?

    What happen to protecting the kids?

  • 387. Concerned sister  |  April 8, 2016 at 12:39 pm

    How can a 17-18 year old leave FC permanently when the worker won’t allow the requests?

  • 388. Alison  |  May 28, 2016 at 10:46 am

    Personally I found this very messed up these rules are: *no social media. *only 3 letters to parents per year *need permission to go on holiday. *pocket money depending on age example: age 11 would get £3.50 wk. *no sleepovers. *no days off unless actually sick

  • 389. Roxanne Dimacale  |  June 6, 2016 at 3:54 am

    My business partners were requiring IRS 990 – Schedule B last month and found a company with a searchable forms database . If others need IRS 990 – Schedule B too , here’s https://goo.gl/EDz2Rf.

  • 390. Lacie  |  June 9, 2016 at 1:28 pm

    I haven’t seen my child since may 9. Dhs had moved her too two foster homes since then. I need to get my child back from o m strangers. My child And I hVd been together for 7 years together. Since she wS 18 months old her daddy in the sky passed. She will be 8 years old June 12. She is going in the third grade with. 135 on her Iq test. Has been in the gifted class the past two years. But my charge of s neglect. I’m broken she has the other piece of my heart

  • 391. Sarina  |  July 5, 2016 at 12:57 pm


    Please check out the above site it will help you and give you your rights! CPS has to follow the 4th and 14th amendment NEVER to LATE to Learn!

    Did they for your case? Find out and do what you need to do!

  • 392. kbcubedp3  |  July 5, 2016 at 1:38 pm

    Idk what state you live in but geez!!! I live in VA and am a 25 yr old SINGLE foster mom with an American Staffordshire Terrier (similar to pitbulls). We still have to get permission for haircuts but I’ve never heard that they have to sit in the backseat unless they’re under 12.

  • 393. fag with a strawler  |  July 28, 2016 at 3:59 am

    get some booty m8

  • 394. fag with a strawler  |  July 28, 2016 at 4:00 am

    btw u should’bt facebookshit

  • 395. Jaden Fivekiller  |  August 13, 2016 at 7:08 am

    No hair cuts should be allowed when the child is of Native heritage. Meaning one of the 566 Sovereign Nations. Cherokee, Arapahoe, Comanche, Apache, Lakota etc etc. Our hair is part of our culture n our identity. We have already lost enough to the euros threw the past 500 plus years. Do you know George Washington started “kill the Indian save the man/kid” when the mass removals of we NATIVES ancestors were rounded up n the children put into boarding school. Our hair was cut off to make us more civilized, our languages stolen from us to make us blend in with society, our spiritual belief system n it was replaced by non sense euro bs religious beliefs.

    While agree with alot of what you said I do not agree with cutting any child’s hair especially a Native childs.

    Oklahoma allows foster kids to get drivers license. Oklahoma is an awful state for foster kids but it has a good point or 2.

    I’m family placement n Tribal placement. My little baby’s are well cared for. They enjoy the pool and trampoline in our backyard and the creek n river as well as the lake. They ride horses, help with the farm and work along side my own kids to collect the eggs every day. I was a child once n I was stripped away from my Native mother due to the fact she doesn’t comply with euro life. She lived in thr boondocks on a 50 acre farm no running water or inside toilet. We had an outhouse. They insisted she move to town or they would remove us from her. My mother was a product of boarding schools n the white man’s rape n torture. She had no desire to be in town plus she had whato they called mental illness all those years ago. Is what we all know as PTSD now due to the trauma of her childhood. She moved us to a small town n we lived on the outskirts 3 weeks later we were removed. This almost destroyed my mother. She faught got us back only to not please the DHS n we would be removed again n again. We went to nice homes with nice euro families who didn’t understand how to raise Native kids muchless how to care for our hair. That was the only way my foster family failed me. They were great parents. Treated my younger brother n myself as if they were our bio parents. They took us on vacations n to other countries all had to be okay by my bio mom who trusted these people n liked them. They allowed us to see her n speak on the phone with her behind the DHS back. They did not agree with how we were stolen from her. I still see the mom n recently attended the dad’s memorial service.

    I am sorry your having such a hard time but please stay strong. Do not ever consider killing yourself that means those sorry dogs win. I hate the euro DHS n the wrongs it does to so many children n families. Just know there are millions of us foster care survivors out here. It took me years to stop being angry at my mom cause I didn’t understand but I do now. It took me years to forgive myself as I thought it was my fault. We can all make it if we reach out to one another

  • 396. Asdfgth  |  August 13, 2016 at 9:27 pm

    Foster parents are allowed to have pets. My parents had decided to foster again while i am still a teenager, and I want the 2 kids to move out because every time we turned our attention away from the kids at least one of them was trying to torture our pets. I love my 6 pets and 2 are kittens. Everyday I fear that one day i will find the 2 kittens dead because of them. These kids are only 6, and no one will listen to my concern about the kids trying to kill one of the kittens by smothering it. Foster families should not be allowed to have pets. And i keep mulling over how to get them out of my house, and away from my pets that love like they are my own children. I was a foster kid too, and we had pets before i was adopted, so i know how hard it is on these kids, but should i forcebly remove the kids from my home (without hurting them of course)?

  • 397. Mom for life  |  August 16, 2016 at 5:58 pm

    I’m a foster mom and I don’t get any money to care for the kids. They only pay for medical for them and I’m good with that. I look at this the kids come in to my home are mine I love them as mine and care for them has mine. They will never leave my Hart and stay in my home as long as they want or the state will let me keep them my husband and I plane on adopting ever child that come into our lives. We have 3 now just waiting intell the state put them up for adoption then we are adoption not waiting any longer then we have to. The state we lives in let us have animals so we have 7 DOGS 2 cats and a parrot. So far the total of kids we have are 6 and the 3 new foster kids we love so much even we have had some hard times with them but that is what a loving parents put up with the good and bad days. Sometimes the rules can really pissed me off. When the biological parents are not even trying to get them back but claim the do want them back I have been to ever court date and the parents only been 2 times oUT of 13. Law bites and so slow on people that want the kids and the true family love bounding started. I say the court should only give the biological parents 3 months to get started on getting kids back. Get a job, off the drugs, counseling, place to live, a phone. This is some of things my kids parents have not even got done in 7 months. They on the streets Park to park .

  • 398. Anna Wadefield  |  August 27, 2016 at 2:57 pm

    I was both in the foster care system and now I work as a foster care social worker. I feel the frustration you have but many of the things you stated above are not universal. At least not in my county.
    1. TPR- The whole goal of foster care is reunification. Parents have to be given a chance to get their lives together. The rule isn’t 15/22. There are some kids whose parents have their rights terminated at 3,4,5 months. It depends on if it’s reasonable or safe for the child to return.
    2. Children who live with their bioparents generally have to seek their approval for a haircut so I mean….I have plenty of foster kids who cut their hair. Foster parents and case workers are generally open to it as it’s self expression for the kid. The bioparents do have to agree, though, because they have rights (unless they’ve gotten TPR).
    3. Idk where this came from but my kids sit in their foster parents’ front seat all the time. In regards to a social worker, it’s a liability. If a child reaches over and grabs the steering wheel or anything else, there’s a potential for a wreck and loss of life or limb.
    4.My state doesn’t dispurse money for those who are adopted otherwise we’d be pushing all of our kids to be adopted as opposed to waiting to see what’s best for the child.
    5. Most foster parents will agree to let a child obtain a drivers license. But again, the bioparents, if they have rights, have to agree. That’s how it works when I kid isn’t in care.
    6.This I agree with definitely! It’s ridiculous that we have more kids in care looking for a home than their are gay couples, single people, ect wishing to adopt.
    7.Most of my foster families have pets… Way back when I was in care, all of the homes I lived in had dogs.
    8. Again, IDK about this one but some of my homes have a trampoline. Rules regarding it are basedo n the foster parents’ rules.
    9. This is another one I agree with. Unfortunately, funding keeps getting cut by the conservatives.
    10. I got a copy of my foster care records; don’t know why you can’t access yours.

  • 399. Ben Dixon  |  August 27, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    this is fucking true why do they do that i have rights to my records but i still dont have them even after 3 years waiting what should i do if anyone knows please and fuck the rules they are stupid dont get why dont give a fuck about them my foster parents dont care they treat me like i was there kid

  • 400. suicidalthoughtscomau  |  September 20, 2016 at 8:12 pm

    hi, I know how you feel I’m in foster care at the moment and right now I’m 15 yrs old and I feel like that all the time and I’ve been from foster home to foster home and I hate families SA and at the moment I’m in emergency care.
    Families SA are also refusing to tell me the whole story of why I’m in foster care and so is my biological family is refusing to tell me and it annoys the fuck outta me.

    • 401. Tiffany  |  December 15, 2016 at 11:59 pm

      Faith heals all wounds. Focus not on the awfulness of the situation, focus on the good…think about the families that you see happy and how you want your family to be in the future. In your own life make it a point to avoid the problems that lead families to foster care in general…violence, drugs, alcohol, addictions, neglect, prison… focus on the things that will get you to the right kind of family one day…school, get a good job, hang out with good friends, find a Church home, stay healthy, don’t give yourself away…pray, God your father will always hear and answer you.

  • 402. Sherrie VanSickle  |  December 6, 2016 at 11:58 pm

    I worry about my cousin Bruce Raymond Fisher, born July 21, 1993. I have been looking for him since the DHS took him. He would of been 12 or 13, everything happened and we wasn’t (his Aunt & Uncle) asked if we would foster him. His Sister and little brother was adopted. But Bruce went from foster to foster. Now through the stuff you just told us. We love you Bruce!!!! Your cousin Sherrie VanSickle

  • 403. Tiffany  |  December 15, 2016 at 11:48 pm

    About six years went by after I left my last foster home to be on my own. When I became pregnant I decided to look up my mom…the one I was told was crazy and I had only a few phone calls and visits over the previous 20 years. She had changed a lot and I am really glad that I took a chance to get to know her.

    Having my own child was the most significant thing I have ever done…being able to be a loving parent that I did not have is a second chance to enjoy childhood and family. Holding my baby in my arms for the first time I realized what a gift life is and that life is not just random chance but a miracle and for the first time I believed in God and God’s love poured into my heart, by His grace. I found out years later that was also the feast celebration for the Annunciation…the day that God sent an angle to announced to Mother Mary the presence of God in her life was the same day that God chose to announce His love in my life too.

    I pray for all my family, my foster families too. I depend on my heavenly Father, trust in my Savior and redeemer and hope in my heavenly mother’s love…they are always for me and never against me. May God’s peace be with you.

  • 404. Robin Dursma  |  January 20, 2017 at 12:48 am

    I was in foster care in Colorado many years ago. When I look back at it, I realize I was really lucky. My caseworker really cared about me, most of the time I had a really good foster parents. Never saw a doctor or dentist, which sucks, but I did get to see a psychologist, whose daughter went to school with me, and that didn’t. But I was so thankful and so blessed to be taken and made a part of the family that still loves me and takes care of me to this day, 38 years later. They took really broken, damaged kid, and began loving that kid back to whole and healed. I just wanted to tell you that I understand. For a system that supposed to be about protecting children to be focused on everything but the children is a waste. So. From one former foster child to another, I wish you healing. I wish you wholeness. Just don’t quit. Don’t give up, because you might not know it, you might not even feel it, but you are special. There is not another you on this earth. You have a voice and you need to use it, because you have important things to say. So please, hang in there.

  • 405. jane99575  |  February 4, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    I was never in foster care, but I had CPS involved when I was a 15. I was in a full blown manic episode from 16 ½ to 18. Before that I was in a long hypomanic episode. One of the symptoms of hypomania is hypersexuality. I started talking about sex at school and CPS was called. Read the whole strory here. https://similarworlds.com/story?fid=7647390&tid=582382&name=I-Hate-Child-Protective-Services They asked if anything is going on in our home and I answered, “we’re not being abused, were not being neglected.” I asked why are “Why are you investigating?” and the caseworker replied, “Did you say you like to feel orgasms?” My mom told them “I tell her if she wants to have sex she needs to prepare her body eat healthy and do this exercise”. The caseworker started scolding me authoritatively “Sex is for adults. Reproduction is for adults. These conversations are for adults!” For one I could have been having a bad situation at home or somewhere that she could have escalated. She has only been in my home for 30 minutes and then takes it upon herself to scold me. Then at the dinner table they told my mom firmly and authoritatively she was contributing to this behavior, which she wasn’t as I was bipolar. Then she asked my parents if they had any other problems with me. she told my parents it wasn’t a good idea to put a computer in my room.

    Throughout the investigation they insisted my parents install parental controls on the computers and that I think about what I want to be in the future. In subsequent investigations she gave my mom her cell number and said “Call me if you have any problems with her”. I am an adult and I would not respond well to people talking to me like that. So as a teen I did not respond well to it either. They told my mom the guidance counselor may only inform them of major issues and to call every week to see how I’m doing in school. I asked her “Why are you investigating? We’re not being abused, we’re not being neglected” and she replied “That’s not my only job” and told my mom “It’s my job to make sure her behavior changes!” In the last visit she asked to see my internet history and my Facebook page. And all throughout that time, they expected a 15 year old with bipolar who they antagonized to tell them what she wants to be when she grows up.

    My dad eventually installed parental controls and uninstalled then 6 months later. Every day I would look out the window and get nervous if a van/SUV passed by. I think I know who called CPS. this was the most awful experience ever and luckily didn’t tear my family apart. CPS could have handled things differently

  • 406. Jennifer flauers  |  February 19, 2017 at 10:05 am

    I have had the most crass, rude, arrogant, manipulating kids in the world and some rules like sit in back seat are put in place to protect the foster parents. You know us good samaritans that take you distinction little shits in. We start out doing it for all the right reasons then we see how some of these kids or most I should say never had it that bad they just learned to take advantage of the system and subsequently end up abusing the good people that take them in, like destroying there homes, stealing from them, manipulating them!
    Maybe if people who are that much of a waste and drain on society started practicing birth control or steraluze themselves, we wouldn’t have to have a system that spends thousands of dollars a month on each child. What a drain on good taxpayers! I had a small handful of foster kids who were in the system because they needed it and deserved a chance to a good life, however it’s unfortunate that the majority are wStes of space, ungrateful little degenerates, that know right from wrong they are just lazy, dumb and vindictive. I’m glad I an retiring from this job soon as it is turning me into a bitter person about certain types of people. And I’m not talking about race or religion I’m talking more about social status.
    And don’t bother lambasting me on my opinion as I don’t have a shred of remorse about how I feel about some of these kids, I do it as a job now, yes for the money I babysit people who are a drain on society. I have gone above and beyond for these kids in the past and all I can say is that it’s not worth it. I wish I never began this task honestly.

  • 407. Destiney  |  March 2, 2017 at 7:16 pm

    I was in foster care until my father got custody of me my brothers got separated from each other if anyone can help me plz text me at 9189005898

  • 408. Amanda  |  March 27, 2017 at 6:57 am

    I’m so very sorry I’m a parent of a corrupt system three of our four children where kidnapped by children’s services as they where all white very smart you ng adoptable kids straight A well ajusted when they were taken after a.bunch of trumped upalligations one being endangering our children because my husband was a youth minister at a black church and we are white. We jjumped through all the hoops and they finally showed up with a swat team with a warrant for a meth lab they.came in spent nearly 7 hours destroying our home causing 65 thousand dollars worth of damage brought in children’s services to look at the horendious mess took many pics and made it look like we lived like this even though the workers had come to our home thirteen times all because of a phone call saying we had no food we showed them 2 freezers full they wrote me up for having too much laundry even though I told them I volenteered at church for clothes for homeless people. I was ordered to stop vole Terri from as they said it was making me neglect my children. They were taken because we live in a state that gets bonuses for adopting children my well behaved white young children where perfect they left my 17 yr old at home. They kept adding charges that the foster mother of our girls was put with made as she was promised our beautiful 11 yr old she didn’t want my 5 yr old. because she was to hard to brainwash as was my 9 yr old son who was moved around from home to home. We didn’t get court ordered visiting with them it took us over 2 and a half yrs to get them back as we didn’t get a court date after the first 8 months as the foster mother called in the day before they were to come home and accused me of molesting my 5 yr old . She wanted my oldest daughter and rrhey turned my oldest against me she is know 20 and still holds resentment against me as she sees it we had to have done something thy don’t take kids for nothing. they did more damage to our children than we could have ever done to turn against me because in her head we had to have done all the terrible things we had.been accused of that the foster and worker had made up . We had very happy well adjusted kids this scared them so much . They are all beautiful kids Even before this happened wet took in what we call throw away kids who were friends of our oldest know our youngest boys who came from broken drug and alcohol abuse homes all teen age boys the foster care or children’s services don’t care about them. Not money makers not framed adoptable we do this to give them loving homes encourage them to get there education and drivers licences so they can work we ale them till they can get a car😆 We don’t get a penny from the government we do it out of love. And they even used that aggenst us. God bless you I hope you get your records we are fighting for our children’s your so right what are they hiding. X Thankyou for standing up for the kids x

  • 409. Theresa  |  April 7, 2017 at 8:02 am

    I live in Ky. There is this lady that lives next door to me that is “caring” for her granddaughter, she has 3 in all with the same mother,(her daughter). She has her son living with her, no background check, nothing. He’s also weird. They each (mother & son have a dog. She is constantly walking all over the place keeping shit started. She did not want this child. There are 5 incomes in the household. She gets food stamps & section8 & pays 150 mo. Rent in a 3 bed bedroom apt. PLEASE somebody do your damn job!

  • 410. dorota elllvevan  |  April 25, 2017 at 7:41 am

    I can’t begin to tell you how much I despise these home wrecking kidnappers. Seems that once get into to your life they are there like forever. Anything that was,will give and they take opportunity to have reason to start screwing your life over, of taking memories and handing every new achievement to some stupid ass f-family! You can basically think and ask yourself ‘how do I get my life back?, Some spineless, heartless to real family asses take everything from you every once in a lifetime of new things that you no get to see. They have own kids with the others as well, and I believe a great bulk of repeat homes use kids and all the bullshit to make it a lifetime career and new houses and shit. This is the worst profession anyone could get into because in time you will be on that side of the spectrum. I cannot believe how there is so little on trying to burn them for their actions because seems there is no part of head person. There are no rules for them, it’s all for the money, like mega pay for overtime care that was or isn’t available. May they all take a bus down to hell. How the hell does someone that takes these precious kids from you are same little kiddo’s that you are then going to fighting for, your own kids, and battle to get what is ours to begin with and then fight for what was always always yours. I have 0 respect for the workers and do not care in the stories where the top dog style workers are looked for, get some attack on themselves, get beat up, assaulted and really I have no emotion about them getting revenge returned onto workers.I do not care at all about them or their life and well being nor if they get any kind of revenge unto them and are used as karma, I say good, they deserved it and still deserve that much more shit to happen to them. I’m sick of having to and watching real families lose the one one life, and supporting new memories of all and have it ripped out of your arms, family and broken heart.Let’s get a nut cracker and take our the no heart organ out of these walking dead w/no emotion ass wipes. Thanks for destroying all our lives.Enjoy yours because they own it now, pigs!

  • 411. Kathy  |  May 17, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    You should become a foster care caseworker. You can seriously make a big difference. You’ve already lived it and you know the pitfalls. You’re not stupid. On the contrary, you are really smart.

  • 412. Fatima yusuf  |  June 25, 2017 at 3:42 pm

    I don’t see any reason why children shoud be in care or foster placement or residential care homes whith the local authority and children are not protected from harm and risck it’s not safe for the poor children you are saying you are local authority and you are abousiing the childen, take them back to there Family there mom.

  • 413. Patti Vlasak  |  June 29, 2017 at 11:29 pm

    As a foster parent from 25 yesrs ago, I believe your comments are totally right now on. All the rights went to bioparents and children were on the short end. You were so right when you said TPR needs to start sooner. Why prolong the future? Either allow the child to start a new life with the foster/adoptive family and leave the abuse, neglect, etc. behind forever. Social services keeps things going with hope that the bioparents are going to turn into good parents. I’ve never seen it work…both as a foster parent, but also as a teacher who saw constant neglect and abuse. Children are the loosers everytime. No one should get a second chance when it comes to a child. Why should adults get to make mistakes, excuses and screw up kids just because they gave birth to them?

  • 414. Patricia Dougherty  |  July 19, 2017 at 7:42 pm

    I would like to contact Looney Tunes09.wordpress.com


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