Archive for March, 2012

why do people adopt hurt kids?

I have been having a hard time the past couple days.  I dont really want to go into why, but it has alot to do with the concept of the parent-child relationship, that I have been struggling with recently.  As i was laying around today trying to find something productive to do with myself that was not harmful, i became fixated on the question:

Why do people adopt “hurt” kids?

I know people adopt healthy newborns and even international infants because they want to be parents.  Maybe some have fertility issues…. maybe some simply want a rainbow family…maybe some truly believe that there are too many kids who need a family, so instead of making their own biological kids, they adopt.  ok.

These types of adoptions cost a shitload of money.  I have seen adoptive parents list prices ranging from $25,000 to $100,000+ for ONE baby/infant. But, I guess people get their perceived “blank slate” to parent and a baby/infant to bond with.

I get this.  It makes sense.

So… that leads me to thinking about kids like I was… a “hurt” foster kid.  The low-kid on the totem pole in the world of adoption.

Much cheaper than a healthy newborn or an international infant.  Right?  In fact, in some states, “hurt” children still bring a paycheck once they are adopted — the parents get a subsidy and medical expenses paid — so they are like income.  But…

Are we REALLY cheaper in the long run? 

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…  all the pain and suffering it seems that many adoptive parents claim to experience when adopting a “hurt” child?  All the annoyance, frustration, disgust?  The toll it takes on your lives, your family, your friends?  YEARS of “putting up” with the behaviors of the “hurt” child.  “Hurt” children do badly in school, do badly with relationships, do badly with self-care, do badly with …. well almost everything.

And in many cases the “hurt” child grows into a “hurt” adult, because years of hurt take along time to heal…so surprise … more problems into adulthood.

Why do you do it?

I find it hard to believe that in the 2000’s that someone would claim that they did not know how a “hurt” child would behave, react, respond, grow, etc; especially coming from a foster care situation or an orphanage.  On freaking TV, they always show foster kids as fucked up, runaways, screw-ups, etc.  Is this one reason people adopt kids that “ruin their lives” or “cause so many problems” … because they didn’t know?

Savior complex?  … but then when the “hurt” child ruins your life or you realize you are too old, have too many other children, don’t want to do what it takes … and you throw them away or feel so much anger and hate towards them ….. who did it save? .

Because you actually wanted to? … before the “hurt” child ruined your lives?

Because money was an issue, and you couldnt afford the healthy white newborn or international infant?

Because you were hurt once too …. and get it?

Why?

Why do people adopt “hurt” kids?

There must be a hierarchy of acceptable “hurt” because my skinny, blond, blue-eyed “hurt” self was never adopted.  Nope.  If I was being “test-driven,” I crashed somewhere early on in most foster homes and never made it to the finish line…never adopted.  My body and mind screamed out “hurt.” I had physical scars on my body which made it easier to see that there was “hurt,” so maybe literally I scared people away.

I want a family so badly, one that would have wanted and understood the “hurt child.”  Are enough of them truly out there?  Maybe I was lucky in a sense, if so many people who adopt “hurt” children simply feel they “ruined their lives” and feel like they had to make so many “sacrifices” to care for the “hurt” child; maybe it was better that I never felt that hate and disgust and burden from what was supposed to be a forever family.  I already felt that enough from so many other people.

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In my ideal, stupid mind, I guess I would want to believe that people adopt “hurt” children because they love children, believe everyone deserves a family and a home, and that they want to walk the healing path with the child… all FOR the child.

..but I am beginning to think this is NOT true for most people …

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March 23, 2012 at 2:13 am 75 comments

are foster/adoptive kids loved differently than biokids

Today I was thinking about the concept of love, mostly family-type love and more specifically love between parents and children.  Then I started wondering if people love foster/adoptive kids differently than their bio-kids?  I don’t mean “parenting” methods but — I mean love.  I am not really sure how to define parent-child love, because I don’t think I have ever felt it.

My bio-parents never loved me, I know that… and I never felt loved.  I never felt safe or special or cared about or like I mattered… I never felt protected or comfortable or calm or understood or wanted or important or …. do those define love?  I honestly have no memory of my bio-parents EVER saying “I l-ve you,” …unless I was being used as a fucktoy…and we all know that when men are getting their rocks off, they say the weirdest crap … it’s more like they love you for getting them off.   Was I loved for being a whore?  Many days, that is what I feel like.  I guess that is the closest to bio-parent love I get.

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I don’t think I was capable of feeling love when I first entered foster care because I was too damaged and too hurt.  Mostly what I remember feeling was confusion and fear and shame and pain and… I was wrapped up in my feelings and had no use for others, nor could I trust that they were sincere…my life taught me otherwise.  And then years later in foster care, when perhaps I could have felt love, I don’t think I was loved in a parent-child sense.  I really don’t believe that any family loved me then.

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Do you love your adoptive children the minute you bring them into your family? or your foster children?  How do you know?  Is it the same love you feel for your bio-kids?  Can it be?

Does being able to claim the child as “yours” help that love?  Whether “yours” through adoption or “yours” through biology … compared to a foster child who is not “yours?”

Do you know if you don’t love your bio-kid right away?  Do you know if you don’t love your adoptive child right away?  Do you know if you don’t love your foster kid right away?

I have read some blogs of people who write that they don’t love their adoptive child “yet” — in some cases, it may be a couple years after the adoption.   I think to myself, “doesn’t the child feel that?… that you don’t love them?”   Is that really any better than where the child came from… ?  Being unloved by bio-parents and  unloved by adoptive parents would seem to create more harm.  I feel worse knowing that my bio-parents never loved me AND also that many other foster parents never loved me either.  Being constantly unloved tells you that you are unloveable.

.

What defines parent love of a child?

and

Can you ever really love a foster child?

March 9, 2012 at 1:01 am 79 comments


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