Archive for September, 2012

… three to die … three to live …

**Please don’t read if you are disturbed by suicidal thoughts etc.

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today i decided to die.  i dont know why, but it was on my mind every single second of the day. it would be so easy, so quick.  one pull of the trigger.  easy.   i struggle very hard to make it, to fit in the world, to like me (which i dont), to navigate the world that is so different than the one i have spent most of my life in, to have a friend, to be a friend, to learn, to understand, to work, to figure stuff out… to … everything.

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so today i decided to die…

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in the bath-tub, surrounded by warm water, and a burning candle that smells like patochilli.  fully clothed in my favorite green hoodie, my falling-off-my-ass jeans, and my blue chucks.  maybe i will drown before i pull the trigger with all the clothes…the blood splatter wont be too much for people to clean up because it is contained in one place

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or maybe

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in my favorite park, sitting in the willowy, wispy, high grasses.  a big bag of puffy cheetos, 1 dr. pepper and a grape soda.  then 2 little debbie boston creme rolls.  no-one will find me for a while, the grasses are high.  maybe the animals will eat me and my bones will never be found.  myself will just become part of the earth.

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or maybe

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by the ocean, sitting right on the edge where the waves roll on the sand… i love the feeling of wet sand on my feet.  soft but strong.   i dont really like those little sandcrabs that burrow in the wet sand, they feel weird on my feet… funny that i consider dying with them.  nature will take care of my body.

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three ways to die.  planned perfectly.

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three reasons to live…  not planned … but perfect.

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September 3, 2012 at 2:41 am 62 comments


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