Dr. Val on vacation
so Dr. val, my therapist, is on vacation…. on some warm island in green/blue water. normally i freak out about these things and have abandonment issues, but lately i have been hibernating and not wanting to see anyone… especially when i feel like i am just a job and Dr. Val probably gets a good laugh at what a pathetic loser i am compared to her…she probably has a rip roaring good time with her consultation colleagues about me .. “LT did this or LT told me that” — laughter heard all over the city.
… however, the weird thing is that i have feelings about the family and friends she is travelling with. i am jealous of them. i dont even know them, but i am incredibly jealous. for all i know, they could be the most annoying, entitled people i have ever met, but i still feel jealous that they are somewhere with Dr Val.
i don’t even know who she is travelling with… she just said “a bunch” or “a large bunch” when i asked… something like that. it could be family and i am jealous of her kids. it could be friends and i am less jealous of them, but still jealous. ok, so i know it comes back to my needing a MOM …. and envisioning Dr. Val being mine, but intellectually i know that is ridiculous.
we are pretty different people i think. she says Jesus, i say Buddha. she says chamber music, i say rock and roll or folk music. she says minivan, i say subaru outback or forester (if i ever could afford one!). she has good hair, i have…well we all know, messy hair. she’s healthy, im not. she’s super smart, im a super idiot. she’s upperclass and im ghetto. …….get it?
we do like some of the same things. we both like nature, we both like JT, we both like outdoorsy stuff, we both like the ocean. maybe i am assuming that in “normal” mother-daughter relationships, there are some similarities and not so many stark differences, but maybe i am wrong. i dont think adult children are EXACTLY like their parents, but they have to be similar, don’t they?
if all kids were EXACTLY like their parents, wouldn’t i be a drug addict ho, or drug addict child abuser like my bioparents? or what about all those “foster parents” i had? some of them i have similar traits from (the hippies – love of the land, music, etc) and some well…. wouldn’t i be a child user, neglecter, or abuser?
are children like their parents?
do adult children have to be like their parents to have relationships?
what do “normal” families do on vacation?
so here i sit jealous of people i dont know at all.
…and here i sit jealous and confused about families, even more than before, but still wanting one…
….and here i sit jealous, when for all i know, Dr. Val could hate my guts and have contempt for me outside the therapy space. “client here = be nice” “client gone=thank buddha”
i’m going back to hibernating…
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