Dr. Val on vacation

January 7, 2015 at 5:26 pm 25 comments

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so Dr. val, my therapist, is on vacation…. on some warm island in green/blue water.  normally i freak out about these things and have abandonment issues, but lately i have been hibernating and not wanting to see anyone… especially when i feel like i am just a job and Dr. Val probably gets a good laugh at what a pathetic loser i am compared to her…she probably has a rip roaring good time with her consultation colleagues about me .. “LT did this or LT told me that” — laughter heard all over the city.

… however, the weird thing is that i hlightstock_11532_xsmall_user_1887253.jpg-550x0ave feelings about the family and friends she is travelling with. i am jealous of them. i dont even know them, but i am incredibly jealous.  for all i know, they could be the most annoying, entitled people i have ever met, but i still feel jealous that they are somewhere with Dr Val.

i don’t even know who she is travelling with… she just said “a bunch” or “a large bunch” when i asked… something like that.  it could be family and i am jealous of her kids.  it could be friends and i am less jealous of them, but still jealous.  ok, so i know it comes back to my needing a MOM …. and envisioning Dr. Val being mine, but intellectually i know that is ridiculous. J&B

we are pretty different people i think.  she says Jesus, i say Buddha.  she says chamber music, i say rock and roll or folk music.  she says minivan, i say subaru outback or forester (if i ever could afford one!).  she has good hair, i have…well we all know, messy hair. she’s healthy, im not. she’s super smart, im a super idiot.  she’s upperclass and im ghetto. …….get it?

we do like some of the same things. we both like nature,  we both like JT, we both like outdoorsy stuff, we both like the ocean. maybe i am assuming that in “normal” mother-daughter relationships, there are some similarities and not so many stark differences, but maybe i am wrong.   i dont think adult children are EXACTLY like their parents, but they have to be similar, don’t they?

if all kids were EXACTLY like their parents, wouldn’t i be a drug addict ho, or drug addict child abuser like my bioparents?  or what about all those “foster parents” i had?  some of them i have similar traits from (the hippies – love of the land, music, etc) and some well…. wouldn’t i be a child user, neglecter, or abuser?

thwho am i like?

are children like their parents?

do adult children have to be like their parents to have relationships?

what do “normal” families do on vacation?

so here i sit jealous of people i dont know at all.

…and here i sit jealous and confused about families, even more than before, but still wanting one…

….and here i sit jealous, when for all i know, Dr. Val could hate my guts and have contempt for me outside the therapy space.  “client here = be nice”  “client gone=thank buddha”

 

I-Have-The-Book-Of-People-I-Don-t-Like-----You-Are-On-The----

i’m going back to hibernating…

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A year is a fucking long time… banana slushys pave the way to green bikes

25 Comments Add your own

  • 1. jordynn28  |  January 7, 2015 at 5:55 pm

    You feel this way because she is yours. Take away her job and title and she is to you what mothers are supposed to : Listening, advice, a constant. She has stood the test of time and unlike anyone else.. she hasn’t abused you (even if she says things that bug you sometimes).

    Jealousy and possesiveness are completely normal in my book. She is sharing parts of herself to people that “mean” something to her. You often battle with how you think she thinks of you .. of what YOU mean to her..so yeah. I can see how off putting her vacation with ” a bunch” of people would be. Doubt she hates you. Also she hasn’t ended her professional relationship with you and is obviously invested. That’s a positive sign.

    Reply
  • 2. thatadoptedgirlblog  |  January 7, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    My therapist just went on vacation too!!

    Reply
  • 3. sageplant  |  January 7, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Dr Val should take a vacation, it’s nice to be able to do it if you can. And then she won’t get burned out, not saying on you, everyone can have burnout at any job or school etc. As far as the bigger issues, I feel for you. And I see how you could be jealous. And not all kids are like their parents that’s for sure. Maybe certain similarities, but a lot can be different. Hey, I don’t have answers, just reflections or responses that I offer with respect.

    It’s a really nice day here. Sun, birds, trees and prety quiet. I’m having a mini break. Ok, that’s it…

    Ps, I’m glad you like nature!

    Reply
  • 4. PurpleLindsay  |  January 7, 2015 at 6:28 pm

    As I read this, I had a lot of feelings, I identified with a lot, and mostly I thought, and wanted to say, I think none of us are duplicates or opposites of who or where we came from. I think we are all stories, stories written in bits or in chunks by the people we encounter, the people who change us, the people we allow to speak into our lives, and, more and more so as we grow emotionally, by ourselves (it’s remarkable, as I’ve healed, how differently I tell my story, even the story of my childhood, than I did 5 years ago).

    I think the more you let Dr Val into your heart the more you will be shaped by who she is, the good parts of her, though, like her heart not the stuff that is superficial like brands and musical tastes. At the same time, you’ll always carry bad and good parts written by others else, and you’ll always hold the pen to add your own footnotes to the past and edit the current chapter.

    I hope her vacation isn’t too hard on you, and pray that when she’s back you’ll be feeling like you’re in a good place to do some good work with her in the coming months.

    Reply
  • 5. MontanaMum  |  January 7, 2015 at 7:36 pm

    Thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 6. cindy  |  January 7, 2015 at 7:46 pm

    Jesus is the answer sweetie.
    Love you
    A mommy

    Reply
  • 7. jnkmailacc  |  January 7, 2015 at 7:58 pm

    I remember getting too attached to adults that I thought cared about me when I was a kid. It’s a very painful feeling of rejection. When I was a kid I was good at a sport and an adult took an interest/bragged about me and I was on top of the world. Then a younger girl came w/wealthier parents and I was discarded like an old pizza box. People can suck. Not saying dr Val is like that but at the end of the day I’m still awesome and she’s still a pathetic user. You’re pretty awesome too. What you’ve been through gives you amazing insight that helps more than you know. You don’t need anyone.

    Reply
  • 8. Tara  |  January 7, 2015 at 8:47 pm

    These sound like things you should talk with Dr. Val about, when she gets back!

    Reply
  • 9. tomorrowsmemories  |  January 7, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    I’m so sorry you’re struggling LT. Hang in there!!!

    Reply
  • 10. Stephanie  |  January 7, 2015 at 10:53 pm

    I think jordynn28 is right. I’m sure Dr. Val is in your corner, wanting all the best for you. It’s like, 0 degrees here in KC so I feel like hibernating too! With some frozen mini Pb cups and a coke!

    Reply
  • 11. Kurtis Leyvas  |  January 7, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    I’ve always felt alone in the sense that I never was understood, even though I deeply wanted to be. I was just never any good at holding on to people, the closer they got the more I wanted to push them away. This is because of multiple things, starting with the fact that when I needed people the most in my life, like right now, they all seem to fade away. The biggest mistake I ever made in life was trusting people. I too fear abandonment, I actually fear a lot of things, but being deserted by friends and family is something that has compleatly warped my mind in a way in which I don’t think I’ll ever be the same as everyone else. I try really hard to be. I really want to be happy, but it always tends fall to pieces and leaves me in a ruin of depression an isolation. Your words are comforting, sad, and in some ways, helpful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, i was doubting a lot but I don’t feel as different from the rest of the world.

    Reply
  • 12. manyofus1980  |  January 7, 2015 at 11:51 pm

    LT, your only jealous because you like Dr Val. I know and can relate. I get jealous of my therapists family too. We just want her to ourselves all the time. Its hard because she cant give us that, but it doesn’t stop us wanting her to be able to. Maybe Dr Val will bring you a postcard from her vacation! Wouldn’t that be nice? I hope you are feeling ok after writing, I know it can bring up a lot when you do. XXoo

    Reply
  • 13. ritalee8383  |  January 8, 2015 at 12:08 am

    I have to think that you are very precious to Dr. Val LT. It seems that would be so. You seem to be handling her vacation better this time around than in the past, so that is good. I so want the best for you as well as many other people. Hang in there LT for this to shall pass.

    Reply
  • 14. Foster Mom in Training  |  January 8, 2015 at 1:11 am

    LT,

    You are growing so much. Just being okay that Dr. Val is gone shows immense growth. Perhaps you could go on a trip with a friend or two. Take a bus trip to a different beach. Go see the mountains. Take control and make your own positive memories. You are getting there, LT. I sense tremendous growth. :-). (((Hugs)))

    Reply
  • 15. jklimek06  |  January 8, 2015 at 6:55 am

    LT, I can’t help but think it would really be a cool thing for you to travel abroad somewhere, like Kathmandu or another laid back kind of place. Just a thought. XOXO.

    Reply
  • 16. Homaira  |  January 8, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Just a note – Dr. Val is not allowed to talk about any of her clients with anyone else unless they are also professionals directly involved with a specific client’s care. It’s called HIPAA privacy laws. She would be in serious trouble if she did. So whatever happens in your office visits is between you and Dr. Val.

    I hope you’re staying warm! It’s in the single digits where I am right now. 😛 Quite a shock for a native Californian…

    Reply
    • 17. LooneyTunes  |  January 8, 2015 at 5:41 pm

      hmmmmmmm. she has a consultation group where they discuss cases as needed. no names or anything, but still…
      she is very ethical so i cant imagine she is doing something wrong. she has been in practice for a long time.
      i dunno, i just imagine being the laughing stock every meeting 😦

      study hard this week!

      Reply
  • 18. onemorewithus  |  January 8, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    LT (hugs), noooo! They are not laughing at you 🙂 Not at all, I bet! That’s your fear giving you the most cruel scenario, but it is a lie of fear, friend.

    You don’t need to imagine anything that’s going on because it is impossible to know for sure, but since you can only guess, then I will guess too. I imagine she is resting because she cares so much for her patients that her heart weighs down with care. I imagine it is hard for her to leave, but she knows it is important. That way, she can come back with full energy because what she really wants is to be the best therapist she can be. She can’t talk to others about her patients because she knows they could never understand her insight and how hard life is for her patients. She is very protective of them. She particularly thinks of LT and wonders if LT likes her. She wonders how can she be a better therapist for her. LT has grown in her heart quite a bit over the years.
    When Dr Val sees the ocean, she remembers LT, wondering if she is okay. When she hears chamber music, she chuckles as she knows LT would hate it, but she chuckles with tenderness, after all, LT is special to her…

    See? I just guessed a better story 🙂

    Now I will read your other post!
    Gloria

    Reply
    • 19. LooneyTunes  |  January 9, 2015 at 7:29 am

      i know in my brain they are probably not laughing at me… but i feel like they are.
      your scenario sounds like a better story, but i think when i leave the office she thinks “good, dont let the door hit you in the ass” – LOL
      you are rewriting my “projections” 🙂

      Reply
  • 20. Tara dSL  |  January 8, 2015 at 11:37 pm

    LT, you write so beautifully about your feelings… So raw and honest. I hope that sharing them here helps to bring you some comfort.

    As for Dr. Val’s professional group, if she does discuss your case I would think it would be for the purpose of asking her peers for advice on how to help you, not to poke fun at your situation. I cannot imagine a trained professional finding anything to laugh at about a courageous young woman who has survived unthinkable abuse and neglect and is struggling to find some peace in her world.

    Reply
    • 21. LooneyTunes  |  January 9, 2015 at 7:39 am

      thanks for your note.
      i hope you are right about dr val. i always think she is mocking me or something, but probably i am projecting my stuff onto her.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 22. KP  |  January 9, 2015 at 1:45 pm

    LT, based on your blog posts about conversations you’ve had with Dr Val, I can tell she really likes you and appreciates your presence in her life. After all, who else does things like making her come outside for a session? 🙂

    Reply
    • 23. LooneyTunes  |  January 10, 2015 at 11:42 am

      you remember that blog?! wow. what a great memory since i took that one down and hid it along time ago.
      i wish i had prizes cause you would get one for best memory too!
      dr. val does lots of interesting things for me that she probably doesnt do for other adult clients.
      makes me wonder if i am more fucked up or just more open to things. like adult clients might be more “adultish” than me.
      peace and award for great blog memory 🙂

      Reply
  • 24. Linka  |  January 9, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    LT, I agree with foster mom in training about how much you’ve grown. You certainly have handled Dr. Val being on vacation from a much better place than previously. I agree with a lot of your post’s commenters…Dr. Val is taking care of herself, which as a professional counselor she knows you have to do, to be able to be there for those you care about, and, stay healthy. Think about this, you have told your Dr. Val (who I love, from what you have told us about her, she’s a “good ‘un”!) about your trauma. If she is a good therapist, she will have experienced an emotional reaction to your story. She couldn’t help but do so (like most of us who read your blog). Now multiply that by the what, 25-30? emotional situations of the rest of her clients….she takes that in too…

    Counselors and social workers (good ones, that is) nurses, emts, even cops…have to be particularly careful to not get what they call secondary trauma. It can start out with something called compassion fatigue…and wind up causing us to become jaded or uncaring, or, responding to the secondary trauma, quit, give up, and leave the field…

    Yes, I do believe Dr. Val cares about, and for you…and she will probably never let you know exactly how much…just my thoughts…Blessings!

    Reply
    • 25. LooneyTunes  |  January 10, 2015 at 12:01 pm

      hm. honestly i have not told dr val my exact story. sections of things, … very slowly.
      other parts might have told her some stuff that i dont know about.
      in a way, we are still working on things — basic things like trust, relationship, bad seed feeling, etc.

      i know she needs a vacation… i just wish i could go. LOL
      i still ask her to adopt me…. and she lets me down easy.
      she’s very very smart.

      i never thought about secondary trauma. i know it is hard to be in the helping professions
      i would not want to cause dr. val or anyone any pain because of my stuff, so if she needs to go on vacation, its ok.

      you’re smart too!
      🙂

      Reply

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