what is the purpose of therapy? ……….. anyone?

January 15, 2015 at 10:02 pm 96 comments


make me feel like shit?

make me feel worse than i already do about myself?

make me relive the past?

make me hurt myself more than i already do?

make me feel sadder because i realize i can never get the past back to fix?

make me feel worse talking about yearning for family i never had?

make me more confused than i already am?


is it possible that a person gets too old for therapy?

is it possible that therapy doesn’t work for people like me who have such a dysfunctional past?

is it possible therapy is just a waste of time for someone like me?


anyone…. what is the purpose of therapy?



Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Where the hell are my foster care records? shrink rewards

96 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Stephanie  |  January 15, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    You’ve been through so much, LT. Sometimes things feel like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. It’s important to keep taking the steps and moving forward. It will get better.

    • 2. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 5:58 pm

      i wish i knew when 😦

      • 3. Stephanie  |  January 17, 2015 at 9:01 am

        I am going to go against the grain a little and say, from my own experience, counseling (kind of) held me back. I’m not saying quit. I am saying when I had my junk, I went and went and went and it was like a trigger when I went to the counselors office my brain would automatically go to ‘ok, time to talk about the crap’. So we kept going over basically the stuff in different ways. Eventually I decided (and I’m *not* saying this is for you) that it was harder for me to keep talking about it and I just wanted to be done, mentally, with it. No pills to forget so I told the counselor i was tired of talking and rehashing that and needed to move forward. She was supportive and we started focusing on future things. Going back to college, volunteering, things I wanted to accomplish looking forward. My healing came when a friend kept badgering to come to church with her. Like, she wouldn’t stop. I blew her off so many times but when I finally did go, I ended up getting to know a couple people and God had my attention and I liked it. It wasn’t what I thought church was. So now I’m totally a churchy person and some of my friend find it pretty funny, but it’s good stuff.
        It’s easy to tangle up your brain. One thought (even sometimes now) can still put in a tailspin. But keep moving forward. The past will always be there for the times you want to see it, because it part of you. It’s like a bad best friend (a frienemy!) But it’s also only one part, your natural passions in life (standing for others) I suspect that’s just who you are. The fact that it’s advocating in this specific area is bc of your experience.
        I wonder if this makes, I haven’t had my coffee yet.

        • 4. Stephanie  |  January 17, 2015 at 9:06 am

          Ok when I wrote: It’s easy to tangle up your brain. One thought (even sometimes now) can still put in a tailspin.

          I meant: It’s easy (for anyone) to tangle up (his/her own) brain. One thought (even sometimes now) can still put (me) in a tailspin.

        • 5. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 1:05 pm

          i get what you are saying about therapy. i honestly dont know what my problem is.
          does it help..or does it make things worse. i dunno the answer.
          im glad you figured out what you needed both in therapy and in going to church.
          i wish i could figured things out…

  • 6. Doug M  |  January 15, 2015 at 10:31 pm

    All good questions….. If you consider Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, (a crash course can be found here):
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs Maslow suggests that understanding yourself and the ability for a person to reach her full potential (Self actualization) can only be achieved by first meeting basic needs, and then, when those are met, an individual can focusing on a greater purpose. While there is some criticism that one need builds on another, there is acknowledgement that the needs and motivations Maslow describes is a good approach to the “human condition”

    That all said, and “in theory, theory and practice are the same, in practice they are not (Einstein)”; you are asking from a more practical perspective.

    Here seems to be a pretty good FAQ discussing what is the purpose of therapy, and why one may participate: http://www.wdmtherapyandconsulting.com/faq.html (fyi, I am not a therapist and have *no* association with any of these places).

    I’m sure you can google other sources — and maybe more “objective” ones (e.g. WebMD), but take a quick read…

    I really appreciate your posts, your candor, and your thoughtful hints and tips. Believe me in saying that you have made a positive difference in my life (speaking as and adoptive parent of teenagers).

    Thank you.

    • 7. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:01 pm

      thanks for your note. i am going to check out the links.
      i have heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and i am on step one…so i am far away from full potential.
      the question is how to get those needs met… maybe that is the real question…

  • 8. Tara dSL  |  January 15, 2015 at 11:14 pm

    These are great questions for you to ask Dr. Val. I’m not a therapist so I’m hoping someone who is will chime in, but my understanding is that if you can understand what happened in the past, why you reacted the way you did, and what is going on when things in the present trigger you, then you can begin to take control over your feelings and actions. It’s hard work and some people are in therapy for years and years. I definitely don’t think you can get too old for it… I know lots of adults who see a therapist regularly. Just like you see a dentist regularly to maintain good dental health, therapy can help you to maintain (or improve) emotional and mental health…

    I am guessing that today has been a tough day for you, but I can see from your writing that you are getting stronger and stronger. Your blog has taken a more positive tone lately, you are opening up to new experiences, being willing to take risks, and interacting a lot more with this community by replying to the comments.

    Best wishes for many good days to come.

    • 9. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:06 pm

      i have been in therapy for years 2-3 times a week.
      i know it takes time, but im tired of it, i think.
      thanks for the explanation.

  • 10. lifemultiplied  |  January 16, 2015 at 12:12 am

    Oh, sweet LT. The rough thing about therapy is that it is really hard and can mean we end up reliving things. But eventually that quits happening so much and then maybe even not at all. It can take a lot of time. I have a friend who has been seeing her therapist pretty much every week for almost 20 years. It’s not a waste of time. I think you’re just still in that phase where therapy is pretty damn sucky and it can be almost impossible to imagine that it will get easier, that life will get easier. And it is most definitely not a waste of time for someone like you! You deserve Dr. Val’s help. I hope you’ll keep at it. Much peace to you.

    • 11. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:08 pm

      thanks for your note. i wish there was a test where i could see if i have improved, because i really dont feel like right now.
      im not sure that i can be helped because i know i am screwed up, but not really sure how to fix it.
      sorry.. just babbling…

  • 12. momma2abby  |  January 16, 2015 at 12:37 am

    Sounds like a bad session today. I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so rough. I’m sure it’s really hard work. The kiddo had a hard time today at her session too.

    BTW, she has a singing lesson tomorrow. Have you ever thought about taking a class one on one with someone? I know you were taking classes before and I don’t know whether or not that worked for you. Doing classes is much harder for the kiddo. I think her parts keep her pretty heavily dissociated during class so she just doesn’t make a lot of sense when people try to talk to her. But it’s an aerobics class so she doesn’t have to talk well to participate. Her singing lesson tomorrow is a brand new thing, but she has been taking horseback riding for years. Since it is just her and the instructor she doesn’t get nearly so dissociated. Plus the horses are really great. Anyway, I was just thinking that lessons where you can go at your own pace is a better fit for some folks and I wondered if that might be the case for you.

    • 13. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:12 pm

      hey. about the classes… i would like to take an art class or pottery class, but honestly i am going through a social phobia stage and if i am not at work, am hiding in my apartment. i lose alot of time so i figure if i stay in my apartment, nothing bad will happen… but then i have a part that likes to goto the bike park, and a part that goes out and buys toys for the kids, etc.
      i feel very confused these past couple of days, so im sorry if i am not clear.
      thanks for your note.

  • 14. sageplant  |  January 16, 2015 at 1:29 am

    Therapy can be very helpful in assisting people uncover the layers that for whatever the reasons are, its just to difficult or complicated or scary etc. to do alone. It doesn’t always get a person as far as they want and maybe for you, it may be a consideration to try a second person but not without a trail time and not leaving the person (Val) that knows your involved history. Maybe you are stuck with a part for the time being. Maybe you are getting ready to make some type of shift. Im not talking about unrealistic stuff, but real stuff that you can live with and it makes you feel a bit better.But its not like any magic wand is out there. The purpose is to help you help yourself. To help you to not go down the same thought path that does you harm. Its hard. you have to recognize it and stop going there. Anyway, that’s my puny opinion.

    • 15. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:15 pm

      i need a magic wand or at least a test that would show if i have made any advancement in my existence.
      sometimes i think about quitting and she what happens, but then i always go back.
      should therapy be like an addiction? i dont know.
      i just dont even know if it can get me anywhere, because i am so screwed up…
      just babbling…sorry…

  • 16. zinterpellates  |  January 16, 2015 at 1:43 am

    The point of therapy is to learn skills that you missed out on learning earlier, like identifying and naming feelings, putting structure to your narratives of pain, and understanding what your role was in all of that trauma ( probably far less responsible for it than you imagine). I was reading this book, psychotherapy for an interrupted life, about what is called the resource loss model. It is pretty cool. It is basically the idea that kids who were abused or neglected didnt have the opportunity to learn appropriate attachment skills to a primary caregiver, didn’t have anyone to guide their social and emotional development, and were isolated from a larger community. That’s a whopper of a trifecta. The example in the book was that if a hurricane leveled your house, you would need more than bricks to
    Put it back together. You would need a whole team of bricklayers, carpenters, contractors, painters, plumbers, electricians, etc. You need extra resources to repair the damage caused by child abuse and neglect. If the house isn’t fixed quickly by a team, it will get wet and moldy and be even harder to repair. So kids who don’t get help early struggle more. That said, it is surmountable and the book talks about a certain type of ptsd therapy that helped a lot of people.
    Best of luck. Thinking of you. And also, I have the first chapter of the book as a off if you would like me to email it to you.

    • 17. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:18 pm

      the book sounds interesting. i try not to read too much about therapy because then i get “techincal” and don’t just be me… if you know what i mean.
      i wish there was a way to test if you are gaining skills and earlier learning, because i still feel like i am on step 1, after years of therapy.
      i wonder if the different therapy methods see things differently in terms of what the client is supposed to gain…
      thanks for your note,

  • 18. Jacqui  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:04 am

    I think it’s useful for awhile but it doesn’t change tragic circumstances that will always be tragic. Those need time to heal from. In time… you will be amazed what time will do.

    In lieu of a counselor (cost for me), I read books that offered paper counseling about whatever need I had and that helped tremendously. I can’t guarantee every counselor will be an expert in certain matters, but generally a person who writes a book about specific situations or problems has done a whole of of research and has valuable insight.

    Let time do it’s work, I promise you things will start to seem sane as the years go by. Just take it one day at a time, or one minute at a time and try to get thought each step.

    • 19. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:21 pm

      i just feel like after all this time, i am still screwed up. i have been seeing dr. val for years, 2-3 times a week.
      thats why it makes me wonder if it will work for me.
      if dr val didnt drop her price, i wouldnt be able to afford any therapy, so i know what you mean…

  • 20. Jacqui  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:22 am

    I can tell you that I had a similar life as yours and had counseling as a teenager and that’s it. I’m pretty satisfied and well adjusted, though I’ve had my days. Believe me it’s been tough getting here but by the grace of God I have. It’d be nice to have a counselor but I am also aware of the fact that they are limited in their frame of reference and in what they have to offer. I’ve had too many friends make this a profession not to recognize that fact.

    I’ve also witnessed people get addicted to counselors like drugs and yet never seem to get over their problems. I never had the time, money nor inclination to go that route.

    • 21. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      wow. good for you.
      did you have good counseling as a teen?
      i had shit counseling or none growing up. now i am like a little kid in therapy. it sucks.
      i do think therapy can become an addiction for some people…i wonder about me. whenever i try to quit, i wind up going back.

  • 22. Anna  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Back when I was a foster kid I think it was so they could find out why I was crying all the time and decide what medicine was best to put me on so I wouldn’t cry all the time.

    I go now, mostly just to talk to someone who I know won’t gossip about out conversations to others- at least to others who I also know.

    • 23. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:23 pm

      does it do anything for you? besides the conversation?
      or is that what you want from therapy?

  • 24. Maxine Susan jones  |  January 16, 2015 at 8:52 am

    Where are my foster care records too?

    • 25. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      seriously? or spamming?

      cause i wish i knew where they were. some basement or some closet filled with thousands of files…

  • 26. s00147954  |  January 16, 2015 at 9:19 am

    LT, did you have a bad experience with Dr. Val again? I’m sorry 😦 I know it’s easy for me to say, but stick with it if you can? Lately you seem to have been in good spirits – your entry about the green bike, etc. I don’t know if its the therapy, but from where I am you seem to be doing good?

    Hope you’re OK LT.

    • 27. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:27 pm

      its not the session per se… just everything related to the therapy process.
      its hard to explain….
      thanks for your note.

  • 28. dinah1007  |  January 16, 2015 at 9:35 am

    I really wish that I had an answer for you. I think that some people are helped greatly. I even think that you are doing better since you have started seeing Dr. Val. Sorry that you are having to revisit old wounds but weren’t you suffering more by trying to bury all those memories? You are loved, you are valued by so many, and you are smart, both in brain and ass.

    • 29. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:28 pm

      i think that was perhaps the nicest, least smart-ass response you ever gave on my blog.
      if i had an award, i would give you one.
      maybe that is the test i was looking for…. am i doing better in therapy than if i quit…

      • 30. dinah1007  |  January 16, 2015 at 8:14 pm

        We’ll, if you ever need anything boiled down to the basics just ask me. I don’t need an award, just the adulation of the masses. And, I am always nice.

        • 31. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:30 pm

          must you use big words that i have to look up? adulation??? i have never heard any people use that word…
          but i did look it up!
          dont you know that in todays society, the masses show only devotion to themselves…
          i never said you weren’t nice, just the last post was nicer 🙂

  • 32. manyofus1980  |  January 16, 2015 at 9:38 am

    Therapy is for anyone, including you. I know its not ideal. But I think its where you begin to heal the wounds of your past…at least that is what I hope for our of my our therapy process. You do make many valid points here though. Sometimes we feel worse, or sad, or hurt, or terrible, or or or so many other feelings. Its so hard. Therapy sucks a lot of the time. I agree with you on that! XXX

    • 33. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      why go if it sucks. how can you be sure it is making a difference in your life?
      what if it is all BS and an illusion that it helps?
      you dont have to answer, i am just blabbing…

      • 34. manyofus1980  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:31 pm

        I guess I hope that someday it won’t suck so much I keep hoping that is going to help me more than hurt me and I want to hear from my past two so I keep going and hoping for a miracle oops I meant he’ll from my past

        • 35. LooneyTunes  |  January 18, 2015 at 7:38 pm

          i hear you. i keep going and sometimes i dont know why.

  • 36. mv49496  |  January 16, 2015 at 11:06 am

    I believe therapy has a purpose — to bring out the hurt so you can understand and be healed from it. I do agree, though, if you don’t take it somewhere after that, talking to humans about it over and over can just feel like an endless cycle from which there is little relief. If I didn’t have Jesus to bring my “stuff” too, I’d be exhausted. Are you still friends with your co-worker who was in art school? Can you ask her a little about her faith? It may help you more than you think. Praying for you. MV Date: Fri, 16 Jan 2015 03:03:05 +0000 To: mv_49496@hotmail.com

    • 37. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:08 pm

      yes, i am still friends with her. she is still in school and i still hang out with her.
      just havnet written much about her.
      KC is religious and does church things, but i have never really talked to her about it.
      she doesnt tell me because she knows how upset (sad) i get when the people come by and tell me i am going to hell if i dont believe.

      faith is a little hard for me. i dont have a problem with people who have faith, but i find it troubling.
      so much sorrow and pain in the world that a higher being allows, i dont understand why?
      and then people say “have faith” or “trust in the higher being, ” but i look around at all the suffering in the world and wonder why?

      im glad faith works for you. that is good.

  • 38. Sarah  |  January 16, 2015 at 11:16 am

    Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Every time that I have been in therapy I feel like shit for at least 2 days after each session. People who feel better after therapy must not have had any bad things ever happen to them.
    The way that it has been explained to me, is that the only way to move past trauma is to go ahead and feel the shitty feelings that it brings up. If you don’t feel them then you end up masking them with substances or relationships or food issues or extreme exercise or sleeping all the time or whatever. Pretending that the trauma doesn’t exit eventually drives you crazy (or even more crazy in my case).
    I wish I had better news for you.

    • 39. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:11 pm

      well, thanks for an honest response about your feelings.
      sometimes i see people come smiling after therapy… not me.
      i dont get that. you are probably right that they never had any bad things happen and are talking about crashing their beamer…

  • 40. onemorewithus  |  January 16, 2015 at 11:24 am

    LT… Yesterday we had therapy with my foster son. He’s been having memories from his past. He had been having physical reactions from those memories, like hitting other kids and wetting the bed. So we had to help him talk about it. That’s what therapy does. It helps you “puke” that ugly stuff. It doesn’t feel good right away, but it helps you deal with it, instead of it dealing with you.
    I have wondered the same thing. Is it good to touch those hurtful memories? But regardless if it is easy or hard, the memories will come and bother you. At some point, looking at them in the face can help you defeat that sting.
    I am sorry you have to go through it. I see my son and what the side effects of abuse can do to a person. I know it is hard.

    • 41. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:13 pm

      thanks for you note. i hope therapy helps your son.
      i wonder if you have too much “stuff” if therapy can work?
      or if you are too old and missed the window of opportunity. like its good that your foster son is getting therapy now and not 5-10 years into adulthood, cause maybe it doesnt work then…

  • 42. jpirog2013  |  January 16, 2015 at 11:28 am

    1) No, 2) No, 3) Maybe, 4) No, 5) No, 6) No, 7) No, 8) No, 9) It’s possible but not likely 10) Anything is possible but it doesn’t need to be.

    In my view, the purpose of therapy is to help address issues and problems in your life, especially those related to inner turmoil. This could be caused by your current situation, decisions you have made, or (probably in your case) events in your past that you had little or no control of. In the latter case, it seems that an additional purpose would be to help you accept what happened and move on with your life so those things don’t strangle and affect everything you do in the future.

    • 43. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      i had to go back and look at what i asked and your answers!
      ok, but if the purpose is what you said, how can all the answers be No.
      just talking about my life makes me feel like shit. and then i project all this stuff onto the therapist and that makes me feel like shit.
      i agree with your definition of therapy, but then why do i feel like shit all the time?

  • 44. drjac52  |  January 16, 2015 at 4:11 pm


    • 45. LooneyTunes  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:30 pm

      drjac52… want to expand on that “no” or is it just an overwhelming “no”

    • 46. drjac52  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:08 pm

      Briefly… ‘No’ is the answer to the first 10 questions you ask.
      Purpose of therapy – cut through the bullshit, to guide you in the way for you to dare to have a relationship, spend time with the innocent child who is at the core of who you are, to not be ashamed of that child, to listen to their voice and respond as you wished another adult should have done..to lovingly care for that child. Find a picure of you as a child…

      • 47. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:24 pm

        but how can that not impact how you see yourself? or make you feel worse? or more sad?
        going through all the bullshit makes me have all those questions.
        im not saying you are wrong, im just saying going through bullshit makes me feel like shit.

  • 48. anelde  |  January 16, 2015 at 4:37 pm

    Hi! The main concern for me as a therapist is to help my patients cope with the trauma they have experienced and not dwell on the past. It is like a nightmare…..you wake up before the end. And the end is where most get stuck. They and I can’t change the past but together we can shape the future. And complete the ‘dream’ . Living in the past prohibits you in living to the fullest. We do however need to work through the past, to amoungst other things…identify triggers. Not to humiliate or belittle you…but empower you to take control over certain situations and your life. Being abused, disempowers you to the fullest. Don’t give your abusers that satisfaction! Always remember that you were not responsible for the abuse. Children are not removed from their families for what they have done but because of the families or caretakers incompetence. Read your childcare act and the proof is there. Regarding fostercare kids records…it has and always have been a very important issue…..the child should know the facts. This is a foundamental part in therapy. If you know what went wrong…you can work on that. You can’t change something if you don’t know what to change. I can carry on for ever on this topic. Thanks for your blog..love it! Regards Anelde Xxxx

    Sent from Samsung Mobile

    • 49. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      thanks for your note. what does that mean “work through?”….. i see that term used, but what does it physically mean to do?

      yes, if i had access to my records, it would help me answer alot of questions about my life.
      but now, i just guess.

      • 50. Jen Layton  |  March 22, 2015 at 3:38 pm

        LT, you have a right to your child specific records-all info related specifically to you. Medical, educational, therapeutic, etc. I don’t remember if I know which state you are in, but with that info I’d be willing to help you figure out how to request your records.

  • 51. ritalee8383  |  January 16, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    For me therapy helped by letting me talk about things which lifted some stress from me. Just getting it out. I was in a domestic violence group for 5 years and those ladies really helped me to see just how dysfunctional my marriage was. I saw patterns in how controlling people act and manipulate you without you even realizing it. On another note I use to feel really guilty about a childhood memory I had. My father had gone into my bedroom closet with a gun and was going to shoot himself because our mom was leaving him and had us all dressed and we were walking out the door. I remember hoping that he would do it. I always felt guilty that I would have such feelings and thoughts. My therapist told me that being a child of 7 that in my little mind that’s how the problem would have been solved and a lot of the awfulness would have stopped. I didn’t see it from that viewpoint but as soon as she said it I recognized it as true right away and I didn’t feel guilty anymore. Her viewpoint lifted my guilt in a second. I’m at the point now where I don’t see anyone anymore. When you get to that point you will know it. I understand how childhood traumas affected my life and shaped me. The hardest thing that I have had trouble with is taking care of myself, having boundaries and realizing that I’m just as important as anyone else.

    I’ve seen big changes in you over the years LT and I have to think that Dr. Val has helped you. I wish so much for you LT. I want such a good life for you

    • 52. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      thanks for your note. i am sorry you had to deal with that memory and glad that your therapist reframed it for you,so that you can see it in a different way.
      i wish there was a test that could prove that a person has made changes, cause right now i feel stuck.

  • 53. drjac52  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    And, yes, I am a ‘therapist’ So I hope you won’t judge me harshly as I admit that to you. From reading through your blogs, I understand you to be an intelligent person (and articulate…by the way ‘fuck’ is part of my own vocabulary when other words fail…). Sounds to me that you are not ready to give up on the energy that is ‘you’. Even across the miles and the space we do not yet comprehend, I feel your energy.

    • 54. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:26 pm

      i dont judge you because you are a therapist. im asking questions and some people answer and some dont.
      from a therapist perspective is different that non-therapists.
      i try not to judge people in general, although i am far from perfect.

      i used to have alot of people tell me that my mouth was too foul on my blog. i tried to clean it up, but if it because a blog with fuck and shit and words like that, i put a warning for people. but i agree, the four-letter words can be quite powerful.

  • 55. drjac52  |  January 16, 2015 at 7:35 pm

    And being who I am, you are free to tell me to shut the fuck up!

    • 56. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:28 pm

      no, i dont need to do that. i mostly tell that to people who criticize just to attack me or write the same thing over and over and over to attack me.
      generally i let most views be on the blog. i have banned some people that is for above. now, i will shut the fuck up – LOL

  • 57. Tara dSL  |  January 16, 2015 at 10:35 pm

    Just a thought… Maybe you are ready to scale back some of your therapy. Like go once per week for a while and see how you do. If you need to go back to more frequent visits, you can always do that. My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor, not because we are splitting up or anything like that, but because we needed some help working through some stressors in our marriage. We saw a counselor weekly for about a year, then we cut back to biweekly for about six months, and now we are in a much better place and have decided to go monthly. If things get bad again, we will up the frequency of our visits. There is no magic formula for what works, it is up to the individual.

    I mentioned a few things earlier that seem to be signs of improved mental health – another one is your ability to process grief. You suffered a terrible loss when your cat died, but you’re still standing. That takes a lot of strength. You should ask Dr. Val if she thinks you are making progress and how she decides if a client is getting better and if therapy is helping.

    • 58. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:33 pm

      i thought about reducing, but the thing is i get all wound up and need more contact. or other parts need contact.
      for me, it seems like all or none at this point… which i know is not the right way to think about things.

      i am glad therapy helped you and you husband. must have worked hard.

      i might ask dr. val what she thinks. right now i am pissed at her, so i dont want to talk to her and in this way, i want to skip my appointment.
      thanks for your note,

  • 59. Linka  |  January 16, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    LT, having been one of your crew for more than two years now, I can see a big difference in you…it is hard sometimes for people to see their own growth…but I can “see” yours…you are coping with emotional situations much better than you were when I first started reading your blog…you are still HERE (in this world with the rest of us, lol), which, I really think you would not be if you hadn’t had Dr. Val as a support…while I know you still hurt, from this angle, it does not seem that you are as, shall we say, violent in your expressions of that hurt as you used to be…you have maintained your apartment, your job, you appear to be far more emotionally stable…have you asked Dr. Val about how far you’ve come? She is prolly the best person to ask…

    I have always thought that therapy is a means of putting some sense and understanding to the things that happen to us in life…a way of exorcising bad stuff, learning ways to manage the feelings and the results of the things that have happened, learning that feelings are okay, no matter what they are, and that we heal and thrive when we process through them, and let them out…when the damage to the psyche is as severe as yours has been, it takes a VERY skilled therapist and much commitment on the part of the person in therapy for healing to happen…

    It would have been easy anytime along the past few years for you to have quit and permanently walked away from your therapy…but you haven’t, and that tells me that deep down inside, your inner self knows that you need it, and that it has helped…that is why everytime
    you do quit, you go back.

    Maybe it is time for you to take a little vacation from therapy yourself for a little while. Maybe just a week or two, if Dr. Val agrees…just my thoughts! Blessings!

    • 60. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:56 pm

      thank your for your reply. it was very thoughtful and thought-provoking.
      yes, dr val has been very supportive and that is probably one reason i am still alive.

      the thing is as i make sense of my life, i feel worse. plus i project all this stuff onto dr val and i hate that because it hurts almost as much as the reality… if that makes sense.

      maybe i should take a vacation, although Moonlight is very sick so i dont even know if now would be the best time.
      i don’t know….

  • 61. Elise  |  January 16, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    I have been going to therapy with my therapist for 4 years now, and it has helped me. But sometimes it feels like it hasn’t helped at all when I am having a harder time. It sounds like therapy is really confusing for you right now. I found that it helped me when I sat down and told my therapist everything, even the things I was terrified to say. I wrote it down like a story, it took days, and then read it to her. I was terrified, but she was very kind about it. I remember you saying that Dr. Val doesn’t even know everything you have told us through your blog. Do you think it might help if you tried telling her more? She can only do so much to help if she doesn’t know the whole story. From what I have heard you write about her, you can trust her with your story. You are an excellent writer and already have written much of your story, so it might work out for you. And I want my therapist to be my mom too.

    • 62. LooneyTunes  |  January 17, 2015 at 12:59 pm

      hi. i think your advice about writing it down would be a good idea. the things that are mostly bugging me are the things between me and her and i just picture her laughing her ass off at me or being mean. some of me just wants to quit, but i dont really want to.
      some people on my blog used to tell me to grow up, your therapist cant be your mom. Like INTELLECTUALLY i know that… right? but clearly there is a reason that want is there. so thanks for telling me you want your therapist to me your mom, cause i do too.

      • 63. PurpleLindsay  |  January 17, 2015 at 4:43 pm

        The best advice I ever got about therapy was to tell the therapist everything, especially the things I didn’t want to tell her. The more I didn’t want to tell her, the more it meant I needed to, and the more healing I’d get out of it. It was great advice. Like, really great advice. Don’t keep secrets between you- and even if you’ve talked about something a thousand times (i.e. how she really feels about you) ask her again, and again, and again because you WILL start to believe her just a little at a time.

        I absolutely wish my therapist was my mom, we’ve talked about it 1,000 times, and I’ve come to a place, finally, of being ok with what our relationship is. Even though she’s not my mother, she has mothered me, nurtured me, and brought life to me and that makes her a kind of a mother to me and that’s real and special and true even if it’s not biological or legal.

        The cool thing was that as we worked very slowly through that maternal transference stuff I started to be able to form really healthy, life-giving relationships with kind, wise older women at my church and those have been very healthy, healing relationships that have also helped me continue to heal.

        I also wanted to tell you that though I healed a LOT through individual counseling with a trauma therapist, I felt like my recovery really accelerated when I started participating in recovery groups or “journey groups”. There is something about a group that, once you get over the fear, is incredibly powerful.

        • 64. LooneyTunes  |  January 18, 2015 at 7:37 pm

          i am afraid to tell dr. val what i am feeling right now. she probably wont like me anymore, if she likes me at all.
          how did you get up the courage to say stuff. sometimes i write it on paper.

          i dont understand what “working through” means. people used that all the time, but i dont know what that means in therapy.
          like talking about it? or do you have to do something else?

          i got rejected from a group because my DID was not well controlled (lose too much time). thats what they told dr. val.
          after that i dont want to be part of a group right now.

          thanks for your note..

      • 65. Elise  |  January 19, 2015 at 2:17 pm

        I really don’t think Dr. Val will laugh at you about being honest about your feelings about stuff between you and her. She would be a rotten awful person if she did that and a horrible therapist, and she sounds like a really nice person from what you have said.
        What if you wrote it like a letter to her and read it to her in session? And made it really honest about what you feel, what you fear she will do, and what you want? I have done that before because I will dissociate and not be able to say anything, so having it written out helps. You can tell her that you have written a letter to her, and ask her to take it seriously.
        Even though it feels horrible, talking to Dr. Val about the things that are bothering you will probably help. All of you doesn’t want to quit because some part of you knows she has helped and that you really care about her. I have that too with my therapist. Especially when I want her to be my mom. My therapist didn’t laugh at me or tell my my feelings are wrong when I am honest. She says that all of my feelings are real and need validated. And I have cussed her out, told her I hate her, told her I love her, and asked her to hold and rock me like a baby (she didn’t do that, but was still really nice about talking to me about it though she looked really sad about telling me no, and did do other nice things like playing with me and reading to me). I think no matter what you tell Dr. Val, she will talk to you about it and be nice, and not laugh.
        Dr. Val doesn’t read your blog because she is not allowed too. Therapists have to follow this really long code of ethics, and one thing they are not allowed to do is look at social media or blogs of clients. She can only listen to what you tell her, not go creep on your blog.

        • 66. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 8:07 pm

          sounds like you have a good therapist too.
          i wrote a letter to dr. val today and then we talked about it. it made things better.
          its hard to trust because i never really trust anyone, but i am trying with her.
          i wish she would adopt me, but she won’t. i ask alot though….

  • 67. manyofus1980  |  January 17, 2015 at 6:53 am

    Lt, how are you today hon? Happy Saturday to you and the pet crew! X Carol anne

    • 68. LooneyTunes  |  January 18, 2015 at 7:38 pm

      not good. lots going on…
      thanks for asking

      • 69. manyofus1980  |  January 19, 2015 at 3:18 am

        Sorry theres so much going on lt i know how thatcan be xx

  • 70. Kimberly Williams  |  January 18, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    I too have often wondered if Dr val could or would help more if she knew more of what you willingly share on your blog, maybe if you just printed out some of the posts that expressed your fears or questions and just gave them to her? Seem to remember you once said she hasn’t thought the blog was a good idea but honestly I have thought a good therapist would have searched for it so she could read it for deeper understanding, maybe that’s against therapy rules and she’s not allowed to. Sorry to be weighing in so late just wanted you to know idk what: I’m listening wish I could help wanted to connect and say thank you for simply being today

    • 71. LooneyTunes  |  January 18, 2015 at 8:22 pm

      i dont think dr. val has the time or the desire to read my blog. i am one of millions of clients she sees.
      i have a couple times brought in things for her to read, but she didnt say much.
      right now, i am really down on therapy, so my response is probably negative.

      if i were a therapist i would have read the blog of a client that has a hard time talking about life.
      but i dont think they do. you know, we leave session and are forgotten about.

      thanks for your note.

      • 72. Foster Mom in Training  |  January 19, 2015 at 12:21 am

        You might tell Dr. Val where to find your blog. 😉

        • 73. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 9:08 am

          i told her the name. she doesnt care.
          she is really busy, has tons of clients, etc.
          i gave her a couple print outs before, but she doesnt get it.
          its ok. the blog is a place for me to write about whatever and it is easier for me to tell the blog stuff than tell dr. val

  • 74. Author Alys B. Cohen  |  January 18, 2015 at 10:21 pm

    Therapy never did me any good. The worst time was the therapist who had me write down what I was feeling that was negative, then write down in what ways that was wrong. it was supposed to train me to think about things in a positive light, but trying to spin things like the abuse I’d been through into something positive undermined what I’d been through. People I talked to about this said I just needed to try different therapists until I found a good fit, and to give each one a few months. Wow. That’s a LOT of time, and turns managing depression into a job, which makes it worse for some people.

    I know there are good therapists out there. There are. There are many more bad ones though, who see playing shrink as a fun way to make money. What I found works best for me is to write fiction, kill of my characters, later find out a way to resurrect them, or to go sew something, or watch some ballet on YouTube, and finding groups of people online who are going through the same thing (simply finding others who UNDERSTAND from experience can help tremendously) things my last shrink said weren’t going to help me if I couldn’t focus on what she said I needed to.

    • 75. LooneyTunes  |  January 18, 2015 at 10:32 pm

      that sounds terrible. telling you that your feelings were wrong? holy shit.
      i would have quit and told that therapist to go back to school because they suck.

      im not sure what helps me. i dont know if therapy does.
      i think there are alot of bad therapists who dont give a crap that they are messing with someone’s life.
      its almost dangerous.

      im glad you are finding things that work for you. how many books have you written?
      is that your job?

  • 76. johnjstanton  |  January 19, 2015 at 2:50 am

    The purpose of talk therapy is to repair the brain. Medication is another popular method heal the brain. No method works all the time.

    There are good results for people who do meditation or pray. Exercise is a great way to heal the brain. Good sleep habits is probably the very best thing you can do. There are a lot of other methods.

    On the subject of social phobia, there are some ways to work with that without leaving your home.

    • 77. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 10:15 am

      im not sure i can repair the my brain. i have a feeling it is broken for good. maybe partial repair is possible, but fully, i dont know.
      see all those “self-care” things i am not so good at. i dont feel like therapy helps me in those ways at all.
      maybe i have not reached that level yet, but mostly i just talk.
      now, my shrink on the other hand, gives me stickers (LOL) when i do self-care things. she is more motivational, less talkative.
      i dunno… i still am wondering about therapy.
      peace john

  • 78. drjac52  |  January 19, 2015 at 9:08 am

    LT, I tend to ramble about subjects I feel passionate on so please excuse me if this is lengthy. One of my patients also writes a blog. I was of two minds about reading it. The person, I will call …PQ. Anyway PQ wanted me to read it thinking it would give me insight. We discussed it and I told PQ I was hesitant because I did not want to inhibit the writing. But we gave it a try. Sometimes it was difficult for me to read lines like “all I heard was more blah, blah, blah.” But then I would ask about that in our sessions. And that was the best part about reading the blog. We could then talk about things that PQ did not have the courage to tell me upfront. It was not so much about the blog content but more about the improved communication within our relationship. PQ is now able to tell me anything (and does!) knowing I will not judge or reject. In fact it is really healthy for the relationship when one tells the other that they are pissed at them. And so I come to the term ‘working through’. Gotta say I never understood that psychobabble term either! Best I can say now is it means discussing or thinking about a problem or situation to the point at which you’re satisfied that you’ve put it in the proper place or perspective. I guess in other words you’re at peace with it. Does that help? Your blog is really an important one LT. You
    have a way with words which is a talent not everyone has.

    • 79. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 10:23 am

      thanks for your note. i think it is nice that you took the time to read your client’s blog.
      i dont think my therapist has the time or the interest. she sees too many people.
      after all these years, i still find it hard to talk about stuff… believe it or not, the blog world knows more about my feelings and life than my therapist. i dunno what that says.
      i feel bad talking about the same things over and over, even if i still dont understand them, so maybe i am not working through things either.
      maybe i am not cut out for therapy or maybe my brain is too broken. sometimes i dont even remember therapy, which is well… confusing as well.

      thanks for saying that about my blog. before you were around, i used to write everyday… then i stopped, went private, but came back.
      i dont always know if it is helpful or not.

  • 80. lisa  |  January 19, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    I wanted to read your comments 🙂 I work in a therapy group. I was interested to see everyone’s advice. I can attest that the counselors that I work with do not EVER laugh at their clients. They seem all strong when the clients are there then sometimes they just bawl after they leave because they hurt for the clients. I obviously don’t know Dr. Val but most people who go into these “helping” careers do so for a reason, usually because they care and want to help others. She has been seeing you for years, I can assure you that she cares about you (if she is a decent human being). She may try really hard to keep that professional boundary in place so that you won’t confuse the relationship as a parental one, because she knows that is what you really want.

    Some of our clients have been coming for years too, they don’t talk about the same stuff anymore. I think that is what people refer to when they say “work-through” Some issues are really tough and traumatic, you were not able to have the good help you needed when you needed it, so naturally it is going to take longer to process and “work-through” You are having to remember with an adult mind what it felt like with a child mind. That make things harder. People often get angry with their “child self” for not reacting to a situation the way the “adult self” would. Those are the things the therapist helps with. To re-frame things, remind you when you are being unrealistic. If you had kept some sort of twisted graph of all the crap you have gotten given to you in your life I believe you will find that you have “worked through” at least some of it. I would imagine it will take at least as many years as you suffered to come to a place where you feel “healed” but that doesn’t mean that each step you take away from the bad stuff isn’t keeping you on the journey. Therapy and brain stuff doesn’t follow a steady course. There are hills and valleys and storms and sun. Each trigger is going to shoot you down a road that you have to “work through” but through the therapy and techniques you have learned the set back gets shorter and shorter. Then one day (hopefully soon) something will happen that you will remember you used to have to hole up in your house for days following and this time you just got a little sad then felt better.

    Our clients leave us sometimes sad, sometimes happy. They keep coming back for the most part. They say that overall they do feel better for coming. We also do group therapy and they say it helps to know they are not alone. I have been a reader of your blog for a long time too. We are foster and adoptive parents and I agree with other comments, Your posts have gradually been more upbeat, more encouraging, and I am hopeful that you are able to see what we all notice soon.

    • 81. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 8:03 pm

      wow, thanks for your long and thoughtful comment. i especially appreciated the part about therapists not laughing at their clients and actually having real feelings for them. its something hard to believe.
      also, thanks for explaining the work through idea. i see it written in many places but didnt exactly get what it means, because people never say that it means talking about stuff over and over until it almost does not have a hold on you anymore.
      dr. val does reframe things, but sometimes it takes me awhile to get them… or feel them might be a better word.
      therapy is not an easy ride.. that’s for sure.
      thanks for noticing that my posts are more encouraging. i did used to write alot about death. hm.
      hold that thought in case things get rough …

  • 82. Jesse Larabee  |  January 19, 2015 at 5:53 pm

    I felt the same way today…

    • 83. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 8:10 pm

      sorry you feel like me. that sucks.
      so many questions and sometimes no answers….
      i wrote a note to my therapist and it helped. maybe you can try that.
      hang in there.

  • 84. drjac52  |  January 19, 2015 at 7:39 pm

    I read that you are a JT fan! As in James Taylor…that JT? Me too. In fact it was James Taylor’s music that got me through my teenage years. He’s very special human being. And if you are a fan you’ll know about his past history. There were many times that he did not think that he was cut out for therapy and that his brain was too broken. (Fire and Rain) No one is too broken. Especially someone like you appear to be from what I understand from reading your blogs. I understand that you have many challenges and some may seem insurmountable. However the way you write this blog is evidence to all who read that you are capable of connecting & caring – even about yourself. Being ‘absent’ for a therapy session that you are attending is understandably confusing. And from what I have been told from others who have experienced the same, frightening and embarrassing. Not suprising that you are able to share with those who are reading your blog for they are true to you, support you, share themselves with you. Much more difficult to look at someone eye to eye. More difficult but not impossible.
    I sincerely believe that your therapist is not too busy and she does have the interest to read your blog. How about inviting her to do so… take a chance… what the hell…you’ll still have your loyal followers regardless. But she will not be able to comment as the rest of us can. And by the way, today my patient (who gave me the ‘go’ to read hers) told me that she did not like me doing so afterall. She has gone private and uses hers more like a journal now. Just sayin’. One of those things…careful what you wish for…

    • 85. LooneyTunes  |  January 19, 2015 at 8:17 pm

      yup…that JT, the incredible James Taylor. i heard his music the first time when i lived with the hippies. (i dont know if you saw that blog, i took it down along with 300+ others). i saw JT in an open air theatre when i was on the streets and it blew my mind away. it made me cry it was so beautiful. i swore i would someday see him again, but i didnt. maybe someday…

      i dont even look dr. val in the eye. barely ever. i cant because i feel so worthless. she probably thinks it is rude, but im not meaning to be rude, just cant look at her. do your clients look at you?

      many of the blogs i took down talked more about my life…so she wouldnt see those anyway. i might ask her, but at the same time i dont want her to read when i write about her or my shrink… so its weird.

      by the way, you were the only reader who got the JT = James Taylor.
      i’d give you a sticker for that 🙂

  • 86. drjac52  |  January 20, 2015 at 8:48 am

    Thank you LT! I accept the ‘virtual’ sticker with a smile and a ‘virtual hug’.
    My husband and I saw him at Tanglewood this past July. Close to the end of the concert I went right down to the stage and was able to photograph him up close. Wish I could send you one of the pics. BUT then…I got a chance to get his autograph (LOL 62 yo groupie that I am!) AND best of all when I thanked him for his music he reached out, touched my arm, looked into my eyes and said “Thank you for that. I appreciate it.” I had perm-a-grin for the entire trip back to Canada and didn’t wash my arm for a week!!! Was just like a dream come true. My grandkids got a big charge out the story and roared laughing at the picture my husband took of me holding up the autograph…you’d think I was a 12yo…
    Lots of people sit and listen politely, keep a big distance but never think or dare to fully engage in the experience. Like not even singing along…and how could anyone not!
    I bet you have “You’ve Got a Friend” tucked away somewhere. Pop it up, crank the volume and belt it out. Makes a gal feel so good.

    • 87. LooneyTunes  |  January 20, 2015 at 9:42 am

      wow, that is pretty cool that you got his autograph.
      he is such a classic
      when i hear most of his music, i just get a calm feeling; he radiates that.

  • 88. drjac52  |  January 20, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Yes, my patients are able to look me in the eye…eventually. And when they do, it is such a gift for both of us. And I’ll tell you something else…we both feel vulnerable… but then we get on with what needs to be done. Being more or less invited into another human being’s deepest places is a privilege LT. If you think for a second that doesn’t have an effect on us then you aren’t seeing us as human. And while I used to be cautious about the term “countertransference” I am not anymore. Of course I’m not talking about those sicko assholes that take advantage of their patients, but that is too gross to write about here. So my patients know I ‘love’ them…they see and feel it in my eyes…they tell me so. So what?! No, I am not their ‘mother’ though often times I wish I had been. I’ll tell you what…some of my people have never experienced, never been told it, never thought they deserved it and sure as hell never expected to find it in some ‘fancy pants’ doctor’s office. But there it is anyway. And what difference does it make to their therapy? Only they could tell you that.
    The English language only has the word ‘love’ for such a complex feeling that the Greeks have several. What I mean here is called ‘agape’. You mentioned Buddhism… so this ‘love’ I believe is known as ‘metta’.
    Why I am sharing all of this with you LT? When I came across your blog while researching ‘ foster kids’ and started to read…the Universe acted. So I followed the lead. And like I told before…you are free to tell me to shut the fuck up and I will. But I won’t go away…I will still follow your blog and throw in the occasional ‘thumbs up’ or 🙂 when appropriate to let you know I am still here.
    I promised, on the day I graduated Med School to “first, do no harm”. So did Dr Val. I don’t know her, but from what you write seems to me that she is genuine. I hope one day you will be
    able to ‘see her’ and feel the way you did when you got the stickers.
    LOL…don’t get me started on ‘hugs’…another topic that scares the shit out of patients and therapists alike!
    Oh…and if anyone thinks we only are with you for the so called big bucks…Soooo wrong! If that’s what we ‘wanted’ we would be the CEOs of some multi-national conglomerate. Apparently we have the brains for it! And we choose you.

    • 89. LooneyTunes  |  January 21, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      thank you for your note. right now i dont have any deep words to write back.
      being a therapist is a hard job if you do it right.
      dr.val is geuine and a good therapist.
      sounds like you are too..

  • 90. drjac52  |  January 20, 2015 at 11:18 am

    Just realized something…you have a shrink AND a therapist…duh. Sorry about that. I am kinda both… an MD psychotherapist. So I do drugs and therapy. oops…no I don’t “DO” drugs, well except for my own anti-depressant (long family history of depression) LOL And I am only in the office part time these days. I see maximum 4 patients (1-1.5 hr per) on each of my 2 days. My husband is a psychiatrist and he has the office the other 3 days. He does therapy with his own patients. So what is awesome is that in Canada is that we don’t have to get paid by our patients …well, except for ‘no shows’, they get a bill (and they know that up front) …and often they don’t ever come back (and never do pay the bill). But if someone is not ‘into it’ enough to show then I figure they are just not ready yet to do the tough stuff. No judgement there…choices and consequences! On occasion I have seen them back a couple of years later when they are ready. So I can see a patient twice a week if we choose. Especially with those people, after we have gotten to the point of monthly maintenance visits and beyond will come in to say ‘Hi’ to do a catch-me-up session. For me, the relationships may morph as the years go by but never really end. And that is just fine with us.

    • 91. LooneyTunes  |  January 21, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      oh so you are like Dr TC who has an MD. Dr Val has a PhD. but both are Doctors.
      in the US, most MD’s just do meds. very few do therapy because they dont make enough money.
      although Dr TC does therapy with me, but she is a different MD… not worried about money.

      it sounds like in canada it is different than here, cause we have to pay for every visit. and if you dont show up, you have to pay too.
      insurance sucks here.

      sounds like you are pretty flexible, since you dont have to make “x’ amount of money seeing “x” number of patients.

      dr TC only works part time. Dr Val works….alot.

  • 92. DAWN BRYSON  |  January 20, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Depends on what you want out of therapy whether it will work for you or not, and whether your open to hearing what they have to offer. Perhaps you need someone specifically trained in trauma therapy to help you through – but more than that – you need a relationship that is stable, trusting, andloving.

    • 93. LooneyTunes  |  January 21, 2015 at 2:48 pm

      dr. val is trained in trauma. i have been seeing her for years.
      its just an up and down ride, i guess.

  • 94. Kathryn  |  January 22, 2015 at 7:53 am

    LT, I couldn’t possibly share everything I have learned since I left foster care, I aged out as well. What I can tell you, is that I found that I had a lot of missing parts to me. It takes time to discover that something is missing. It often comes from hearing or watching others deal with experiences. I used to get frustrated in therapy because the therapist thinks you know the answers and you don’t, you often have limited experiences for solutions, I know I did. Sometimes I just needed to hear options that weren’t in my repertoire (that means, in this context, a group of skills I never learned.) She thought I wanted her to tell me what to do or think, I didn’t, I just wanted to know options I didn’t know existed, like a list of possibilities. When she finally understood, and we discussed options to handle certain circumstances, I began to see things I was missing, and from there I began to discover new options on my own. It was like permission to explore myself and my reactions. Then I began to explore my feelings about different relationships. I branched out and found friends who would share feedback about how realistic my expectations were. When you only have one person you depend on for a connection for a life-line, there is too much fear of rejection to broach some subjects. Especially anger, and especially if you are angry at the therapist over some misunderstanding, and especially if you believe they should know you better than to come to some incorrect conclusion. I had more than one therapist, they are all so very different. Some have agendas, or fears of their own. I read about psychology, and self-help books, some were too technical, some were strange, several books helped me, one of them was “Telling Yourself the Truth”, there were more in that series, like “telling others the truth.” Personally, I don’t think going over and over past hurts is a good thing, however, I do think a therapist needs to know some of that, so they can understand where you are coming from on motivations or experience, fears, expectations -good or bad, life patterns, or abandonment issues. I remember once saying something that was politically correct, and as soon as I said it, I thought, “Why did I say that? I don’t believe that.” It was then that I started thinking about what I was saying and thinking. Honesty is such a cool thing, because that’s when we really begin to be genuine with ourselves. Being adopted would not automatically fill in all the missing pieces. Being adopted could lead to more hurt and pain and disillusionment, because it could be based on false assumptions and unrealistic expectations. Just remember that normal people can love without always liking, and you can be angry at someone without hating them. Working things through means you come to some resolution. Finding out and clearing up misunderstandings and correcting false expectations is key to relationships. People who won’t go through that work, don’t have enough emotionally vested (invested) in a relationship to take the risk of restoration (such as apologizing, or finding out what led to a misunderstanding and learning the truth (which often changes their conclusion, decision, or reaction), or as they say “working it through”. It is work to clear up differences and often takes patience and commitment to the relationship. There is a saying that describes certain people, it goes “Don’t confuse me with the truth, I already have my mind made up.” Some people are like that, it has nothing to do with you. We all have enough of our own issues to deal with, so don’t take on the responsibility for someone else’s issues. There are lots of people with unresolved issues, you will meet them. You will also meet people who are genuine and loving and kind, they won’t be perfect either, but they will love you, and they won’t require perfection to earn their love. You are very bright and thoughtful and genuine, people can’t help but love you.

    • 95. LooneyTunes  |  January 23, 2015 at 8:54 pm

      thank you for this long comment. i want to read it when i am not upset and reply.
      i wanted to acknowledge it, but give me some time to read this.

  • 96. Hallelah  |  May 5, 2015 at 9:32 pm

    hi; I know this post is a little old, and that you’re dealing with the death of your dog (I’m so sorry). You mentioned something about your therapist not thinking of you as soon as the session was over, and I obviously don’t know your therapist, but as a therapist myself, I think about my patients between sessions; they are absolutely in my mind. I’ve been in therapy over 5 years 3x a week, and I didn’t think my therapist thought about me until I started working as a therapist.

    I email my therapist between sessions if I need to, if something’s bothering me and I’m having a hard time thinking about it alone; she always writes back within a day, and it helps. I wonder if your therapist would do something like that?


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