my shrink, Dr. TC, is a very upbeat positive person… or at least she appears that way. i see Dr. TC for meds of which i take several, because i am screwed up in the head. i see Dr. TC like every other week. well, as most of you know, i lack motivation, mostly because i want to be dead and probably some other reasons too.
Dr. TC is a motivator and this week, she did something that was… well… well….cool.
see, i was supposed to do something (self-care thing) three times last week….. i thought i failed, because i only did it twice. so when Dr. TC asked, i told the truth that i only did it twice. instead of making me feel like the complete loser that i am, Dr. TC pulled two stickers off her sheet of stickers, drew smilely faces and stuck them on a piece of paper with Congrads LT!!!
i hung them on my refrigerator on top of her other notes.
Ok, i know what you are thinking — (1) that my shrink is crazy and (2) why would an adult be ……well….. happy over goofy stickers? i can’t answer (1) and if she is crazy, i like her like that…..but i have deeply thought about (2), so bare with me.
growing up i don’t remember getting any rewards for anything. i sucked in school, both academically and behaviorally. i don’t even remember seeing a sticker on any of my school work. i spent more time in the corner or in detention than i did getting rewarded for anything good in school.
i sucked in foster care. one home i stayed in had a reward system, where we got “points” for doing good and “negative points” for doing bad. it was on the refrigerator. well, guess where LT was? below the freaking zero line with nothing but negative points. a couple times i got into the positive points, but i never got to the big reward line, and felt like a failure and a bad kid, because the other kids were getting rewards. these point systems suck for foster kids who are scared, confused, and used to having no rules or different rules. they really are not fair.
so, i never did sports, therefore i never got a trophy or a medal. i never did anything competively where a prize would be given. in fact, once i put $5.00 into a lottery machine and my card was a loser card. the person behind me, hit the jackpot and got a winning card worth $250. can’t even win when i pay.
the other thing about these stickers is that Dr. TC did exactly what she told me she would do… she followed through with what seemed like an insignificant thing at the time. seriously she told me if i did the thing i was supposed to do, she would give me stickers. i thought she was joking or making jokes to get me to laugh, but noooo….
so, when Dr. TC gave me these stickers, i laughed and shook my head in either amazement that she did what she said she would do and most people don’t, or in shock because here was a shrink giving an adult stickers with smileys on them.
needless to say, i think i got the first stickers i ever got in my whole life…. and they are hanging on my frig.
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