knockin on heaven’s door
We got to the vet’s office and no other people or animals were there. Because my vet was so fond of Moonlight, she agreed to do it when the office was closed at lunch from 12:00-2:00. i was bawling like a baby. No-one came with me, because this was something that was between me and Moonlight… not Dr. Val, not KC… just us. The room had two soft blankets on the floor, and it seemed that Moonlight knew they were for her because she immediately went over to them and lied down. You see, she normally lays under the table or by the chairs, but not this time.
i was bawling
They had to muzzle her because the first injection was a sedative, to make her …. feel nothing and feel like she was seeing “pink elephants.” My vet had a hard time finding a vein in Moonlight back foot and Moonlight yelped like it was hurting her. i just held her and told her that she was such a good girl and how special she was. She was always touchy about her feet and would act like a drama queen when people touched them… but i really believed this hurt her.
This one moment has caused me so much grief and pain… that she was hurt right before the end.
After the sedative got in her, she was just lying there… tripping on sedatives. Everyone left and gave me some private time. i held her and told her so many things, so many words that i have never said to anyone. i only hope that she heard them all.
The vet came back in and said some amazing and beautiful things about me and about Moonlight. You see most people would have never dealt with a dog like Moonlight and all her medications and vet visits, and specialists, and diet, and her attitude…. but i did because i promised to take care of her the best that i could. She was a throw-away like me. She was like me….don’t you see?
My vet said it took “courage, caring, and love to do this… to relieve the pain of a friend.”
i cried more and more and told the vet that i thanked her for everything she did for Moonlight and me. That i trusted her and i don’t trust that many people in the world. That i appreciated it all. i was getting dizzy in my head…
i talked to Moonlight some more as she stared into me and into space. Then the vet put the second needle in. i told Moonlight that i loved her and thanked her for being the best dog ever. i told her to say hi to Harbor. i thanked her for teaching me how to open my heart to caring … for protecting me and for being amazing. Then i apologized for being a bad “mom” at times and apologized if i got frustrated….. Then i thanked her again….
Then the vet said “LT – she’s gone.”
Her eyes were still open and she took two breaths. My vet said the breaths were reflexes. i sat there crying. The vet stayed with me for alittle and she was crying… some of the techs and other workers came in and i just sat there. i petted Moonlight’s head and ears. i petted her broken, sick belly. i just sat…. and sat…. and sat….
She was probably the most at peace then she has been in years, because of her illness.
but i was the most saddest i have ever been in my life.
all the hurts and pain i have experienced in life and this one beats them all…
i sat there some more just petting Moonlight and telling her about all the funny things she did…. Then i got up, said my final goodbyes, and left the room. i told one of the workers to “please be gentle with her.” She replied “LT – respect in life and respect in death.”
i knew they would take care of her
… but i feel so empty… i feel like i am dying…
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