knockin on heaven’s door

January 28, 2015 at 1:09 pm 71 comments

alask.

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We got to the vet’s office and no other people or animals were there.  Because my vet was so fond of Moonlight, she agreed to do it when the office was closed at lunch from 12:00-2:00.  i was bawling like a baby.  No-one came with me, because this was something that was between me and Moonlight… not Dr. Val, not KC… just us.  The room had two soft blankets on the floor, and it seemed that Moonlight knew they were for her because she immediatelteardropy went over to them and lied down.  You see, she normally lays under the table or by the chairs, but not this time.

i was bawling

They had to muzzle her because the first injection was a sedative, to make her …. feel nothing and feel like she was seeing “pink elephants.”  My vet had a hard time finding a vein in Moonlight back foot and Moonlight yelped like it was hurting her.  i just held her and told her that she was such a good girl and how special she was. She was always touchy about her feet and would act like a drama queen when people touched them… but i really believed this hurt her.

This one moment has caused me so much grief and pain… that she was hurt right before the end.

After the sedative got in her, she was just lying there… tripping on sedatives.  Everyone left and gave me some private time. i held her and told her so many things, so many words that i have never said to anyone.  i only hope that she heard them all.

images

The vet came back in and said some amazing and beautiful things about me and about Moonlight. You see most people would have never dealt with a dog like Moonlight and all her medications and vet visits, and specialists, and diet, and her attitude…. but i did because i promised to take care of her the best that i could. She was a throw-away like me.  She was like me….don’t you see?

My vet said it took “courage, caring, and love to do this… to relieve the pain of a friend.”

i cried more and more and told the vet that i thanked her for everything she did for Moonlight and me.  That i trusted her and i don’t trust that many people in the world.  That i appreciated it all.  i was getting dizzy in my head…

Then….

i talked to Moonlight some more as she stared into me and into space.  Then the vet put the second needle in.  i told Moonlight that i loved her and thanked her for being the best dog ever. i told her to say hi to Harbor.  i thanked her for teaching me how to open my heart to caring … for protecting me and for being amazing.  Then i apologized for being a bad “mom” at times and apologized if i got frustrated….. Then i thanked her again….

Then the vet said “LT – she’s gone.”

rip

Her eyes were still open and she took two breaths.  My vet said the breaths were reflexes.  i sat there crying.  The vet stayed with me for alittle and she was crying… some of the techs and other workers came in and i just sat there.  i petted Moonlight’s head and ears.  i petted her broken, sick belly.  i just sat…. and sat…. and sat….

She was probably the most at peace then she has been in years, because of her illness.

be-at-peace

but i was the most saddest i have ever been in my life.

all the hurts and pain i have experienced in life and this one beats them all…

i sat there some more just petting Moonlight and telling her about all the funny things she did….  Then i got up, said my final goodbyes, and left the room.  i told one of the workers to “please be gentle with her.”  She replied “LT – respect in life and respect in death.”

i knew they would take care of her

… but i feel so empty…  i feel like i am dying…

 

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dear Dr. Val i miss my dog so much

71 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ghostinthetherapysession  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:16 pm

    Beautiful post. Sorry for your loss LT *hugs*

    Reply
  • 2. nightaura  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    I am so sorry LT. I hope your vet does what mine does and makes a paw print cast of her paw. I have both my dogs’ paw prints and ashes on a shelf in my office. Not a day goes by I don’t think of them. Hugs to you.

    Reply
  • 3. wendysmith193  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    I am sad with you LT. Maybe you can take some comfort from knowing you did her a kindness by letting her go xxxxxxxxxxx

    Reply
  • 4. Debbie Anderson  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    I’m so very sorry to hear about Moonlights passing. I know how hard it is to say goodbye to something you love so much. I wish you lived close I would love to meet you. You sound like you really need somebody to trust. I live near Detroit if you are ever close. I’m involved with Foster kids on many levels. You all deserve someone to call family. God loves you, absolutely!

    Reply
  • 5. roversat  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:30 pm

    We feel your pain and loss, LT and nothing we say can make it easier. Moonlight was more than just your pet and you were more than just her owner. You two ‘saved’ each other and allowed love, trust and kindness to connect your lives. Moonlight was your guardian angel and will forever be looking out for you.

    Reply
  • 6. yoyoyoli  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    LT my heart is breaking for you! What a brave thing you did I hope you are proud of yourself. I know this is the hardest thing ever!! I have been there…. Somebody gave me a book once about the rainbow bridge. I know you are not very religious but look it up the feeling/idea/thought is just so peaceful! And believe it or not you will love another dog again. Not like you loved Moonlight but in a new different way. I know you don’t want to think about that now and that is ok. I wish there was something we could do for you today besides reading your blog and sending you hugs on your screen. Stay strong LT. Maybe also bring something to your vet next week, flowers of donuts or bagels for the office there, your vet sounds amazing I am thankful for people like that that do their job with so much love and care..
    stay cool LT ok one more thing I was heartbroken too when my dogs (3 so far) passed but now when I look back I always look back on all the awesome memories I have. Dogs rock! Cats are not bad either but I am a dog lover and I could not imagine my life without my babies… 😉 x0x

    Reply
  • 7. Lori  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    I know the pain of losing pets. Take your time grieving, but try to remember some of the happy times too. It does get easier. {{hugs}}

    Reply
  • 8. PurpleLindsay  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:38 pm

    She was such a gift to you, and you gave her such an gift in letting the vet tell you when her fight was over. I’m so sorry you are hurting. Your words are so beautiful and soft and caring in this post- a fitting tribute to your friend.

    Reply
  • 9. Anna  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:39 pm

    *hug*

    Reply
  • 10. jnkmailacc  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:40 pm

    Crying at my desk…

    Reply
  • 11. sheila  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:53 pm

    crying. you will be in my thoughts and prayers. enjoy it up there in doggie heaven moonlight.

    Reply
  • 12. yoyoyoli  |  January 28, 2015 at 1:58 pm

    check out there are some beautiful videos on Youtube if you search for Rainbow bridge..

    Reply
  • 13. Hannah  |  January 28, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Thinking of you LT. As hard as it was to read this post, it was beautiful.

    Reply
  • 14. mzshindgr  |  January 28, 2015 at 2:27 pm

    dearest LT,
    i am amazed at the courage I see all over you and your stories about your life. Courage to be so vulnerable and transparent with your words when most people pretend. Courage to suffer so that your best friend can be freed from suffering. Courage to be a voice for those who’ve lost their voice.

    I’m so very sorry for how much it hurts right now. My heart is hurting with yours and I hope that each day, it hurts a little less. My little family will be praying and hoping for you every day, dear LT … with all of our love.

    Reply
  • 15. lifemultiplied  |  January 28, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    I’m in tears for you, LT. Moonlight was amazing and you are amazing. Much peace to you.

    Reply
  • 16. Another Time  |  January 28, 2015 at 2:36 pm

    I’m glad you have such an awesome vet, the truly fantastic ones can be hard to find.

    I’m glad they gave you all the time to say goodbye to her. I hope Moonlight and Harbor are cozied up as together as cat and dog be, to watch over their best mommy.

    Reply
  • 17. biojen  |  January 28, 2015 at 2:53 pm

    Oh, L.T. I had to make the same decision for my soon 5 years ago. The pain was unbelievable and I just wanted to die with him. But I had another baby to take care of and people who would grieve for me. You do too. Shadow needs you and so does KC. I need you. You help me understand my adopted daughter, who thanks to you will be turning 18 not in foster care. I wish I could ease your pain. I will abide here with you and say a prayer to the universe that moonlight is happy and at peace and willing to wait for you.

    Reply
  • 18. tomorrowsmemories  |  January 28, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    I am so sorry sweetie. Praying for you to grieve the way you need to, to be strong when you need to and to cry when you need to. It is all a healthy part of saying “goodbye”. Hang in there!!!

    Reply
    • 19. Stephanie  |  January 28, 2015 at 4:23 pm

      Been thinking of you today. I’m glad she can be at peace. You’ve shown such strength and courage and LOVE. Moonlight and you were meant to be friends forever.

      Reply
  • 20. lee1978  |  January 28, 2015 at 4:35 pm

    LT this made me cry. I was crying for you but I think also because it made me remember having to put down our cat Shadow. He was loved by not just us but by our vets too. He got diabetes and we had been giving him insulin just like you do people. But there reached a point where it wasn’t working and it was hurting him to keep him with us. Our vet made us the last appt of the day because I knew I would fall apart and I did. Thinking of you and know that Moonlight will always be with you.

    Reply
  • 21. Lucy  |  January 28, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    Right before Thanksgiving, I had to put down my cat of 21 years. It was very hard. Please know that you did the right thing. I am still grieving, it is hard.

    Reply
  • 22. selphiras  |  January 28, 2015 at 4:42 pm

    ::hugs:: with tears in my eyes

    Reply
  • 23. manyofus1980  |  January 28, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    LT
    This was beautiful. I know it hurts. You were amazing. Your vet was amazing. I’m glad you got to spend that time with moonlight. Im sending you lots of hugs and my thoughts are with you at this time hon. Xoxo

    Reply
  • 24. mommyof6  |  January 28, 2015 at 7:00 pm

    Oh LT. I am so sorry for your lost. I a crying with you. I have no words. Take care
    xoxo

    Reply
  • 25. sageplant  |  January 28, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    You were very kind and loving and attached to your friend/dog. I’m sad he is gone, for the bond of friendship you both shared for all these years. It was a gift for both of you. Be kind with yourself at this time, just as you were to moon light..may tomorrow be a little bit easier. Your friends are thinking of you.

    Reply
  • 26. Elise  |  January 28, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Oh, L.T., that post is so sad yet so beautiful because it shows how much Moonlight means to you and what you were for each other. I am sad for you that she is gone now. Very few people would have had the dedication to care for her the way that you did. Moonlight’s spirit is living on around you, along with Harbor’s, and she is still telling you how much she loved you, how much you meant to her, and how much she appreciated your care.

    Reply
  • 27. Fran  |  January 28, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  • 28. Sue  |  January 28, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    😦
    Sorry for your loss.

    Reply
  • 29. dot sabba  |  January 28, 2015 at 8:49 pm

    From Moonlight to You, LT – To have loved and then said farewell is better than to have never loved at all.

    For all of the times that you stooped and touched my head, fed me my favorite treat and returned the love that I so unconditionally gave to you.
    For the care that you gave to me so unselfishly. For all of these things I am grateful and thankful.

    I ask that you grieve not for the loss but rejoice in the fact that we lived, loved & touched each other’s lives.
    My life was fuller because you were there, not as owner, but as my friend.

    Today, I am as I was in my youth. The grass is always green, butterflies flit among the flowers and the sun shines gently down upon all of God’s creatures.
    I can run, jump and play and do all of the things that I did in my youth.
    There is no sickness, no aching joints and no regrets and no aging.
    We await the arrival of our lifelong companions and know that togetherness is forever.

    You live in my heart as I do in yours.

    Companions such as you are very rare and unique. Don’t hold the love that you have within yourself. Give it to another like me and then I will live forever.

    For love never really dies, and you are loved and missed as surely as I am. I Love You, LT
    “Moonlight”

    Reply
    • 30. Whitney  |  January 28, 2015 at 9:45 pm

      That is lovely.

      Reply
  • 31. cair75  |  January 28, 2015 at 10:15 pm

    I am so sorry. I know you will miss Moonlight for a long time, forever really. But damn, you were an incredible pet momma to that pup. For a person who has scars from a challenging first family and foster care system, you still have the ability to love and care for another being. In a big way. Moonlight was so fortunate to end up in your care.

    ❤ ❤ ❤

    Reply
  • 32. MontanaMum  |  January 28, 2015 at 10:18 pm

    Crying….so sorry for your loss. You are an amazing mama to your furry kids…

    Reply
  • 33. bluejuliej  |  January 28, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    *hugs*

    Reply
  • 34. Tara dSL  |  January 29, 2015 at 12:20 am

    Moonlight knew that you loved her. That love will always be with you. So very sorry for your loss. Sending love to you across the wires.

    Reply
  • 35. ritalee8383  |  January 29, 2015 at 2:35 am

    You handled that really well LT. I went through that with my dog Max and I yelled out when he passed. It’s so hard to let them go. I’m happy that Moonlight helped you to open your heart to caring. That is her legacy. I truly believe that our pets are waiting for us at heavens gates. You have a heart for animals and I have no doubt that one day when you are healed enough that God will bring another baby across your path that needs you just as much as Moonlight did. You have so much to give.

    Reply
  • 36. coccomuffin  |  January 29, 2015 at 3:49 am

    Moonlight couldn’t have had a mom better than you LT. You gave her a life worth living and all the love she deserved and needed.
    Helping a loved one to die is hard thing to do, but you set her free from pain, nothing expresses love more than this. Bless your big sweet loving heart LT, you’re such an admirable girl! ♡

    Reply
  • 37. Linka  |  January 29, 2015 at 7:30 am

    (((Hugs))) My thoughts and prayers were with you all day yesterday, and will continue…blessings!

    Reply
  • 38. angelamarshall2013  |  January 29, 2015 at 7:53 am

    LT I am so sorry for your loss. You both were blessed to have had each other. I hope that the love and caring you had for Moonlight will help inspire you to share and spread that love to others who are need of a friend. You have so much to give.
    Take care.

    Reply
  • 39. tina  |  January 29, 2015 at 7:58 am

    I am so so very sorry, I truly understand your pain, the love of a dog is so unconditional its like no other relationship, they are loyal, love you no matter what, always happy to see.and keeps all the secrets you tell them , and listen without judgement.and always there no matter. You truly was a good mom.she was lucky to have you, I.would say time heals all but it doesn’t. Keep all the happy thoughts and memories something else no one can take from you .big hugs .

    Reply
  • 40. D  |  January 29, 2015 at 9:03 am

    Reading that I sobbed like I have not sobbed before. Clearly you two had a very special bond. And what an honorable, brave, compassionate, wondering thing you did to take away her suffering. But how incredibly awful for you to endure, and now to be without her… I am so sorry for you loss.

    Reply
  • 41. sheila  |  January 29, 2015 at 9:07 am

    was just thinking of you this cold morning and how difficult it is when suddenly routines you are used to change. hope your day is bearable. praying.

    Reply
  • 42. Jen  |  January 29, 2015 at 10:49 am

    I hope you are staying strong LT. I have put down several dogs and it hurt each time. It sounds as if it was Moonlight’s time and you did the kindest thing you could. It will get better.

    Reply
  • 43. onemorewithus  |  January 29, 2015 at 11:22 am

    …Many hugs, dear. I am sorry for your pain.

    Reply
  • 44. Gisela  |  January 29, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    Your post brought many tears.
    I am sorry LT.
    May Moonlight rest in peace.
    She was God’s gift to you and you were God’s gift to her.
    A year and a half ago I was by my father’s side in a similar situation. I know it hurts a lot.
    May God’s love and peace be with you.
    Big hug.
    Gisela

    Reply
  • 45. Ally  |  January 29, 2015 at 12:24 pm

    I am very, very glad that you and Moonlight had the chance to love and trust each other so much.
    Take good care and try to be kind to yourself.
    Sending hugs from England xxxxx

    Reply
  • 46. Ruth  |  January 29, 2015 at 12:30 pm

    This is so sad 😦

    Reply
  • 47. Tami  |  January 29, 2015 at 12:57 pm

    Thinking of you LT. ((hugs))

    Reply
  • 48. lscovill70  |  January 29, 2015 at 4:12 pm

    So sorry about Moonlight.

    Reply
  • 49. jencas025  |  January 29, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    You are in my thoughts, I know how hard it is. So sorry about Moonlight. You did the right thing it’s not easy to let go but she’s pain free and knows she was loved.

    Reply
  • 50. Michael  |  January 30, 2015 at 3:03 am

    This is a very hard time for you. Harder than many challenges you have faced in the past in many ways.

    The next few days, weeks and months will be hard on you. But I can only hope that you will pass through.

    On a sidenote, the poem that you wrote. Was one that truly shows your pain. Do not hide it from the world, your poetry was beautiful.

    Reply
  • 51. krista1066  |  January 31, 2015 at 1:41 am

    LT, I am so, so sorry that Moonlight passed away. It’s a hard thing to let part of your family go, especially when your family is one you have built from the ground up. It took a lot of love and a lot of courage to make the choice you did for your beloved Moonlight, and it was the right choice to make. If it helps (and I know that right now nothing helps), the sedative that vets give to animals beforehand is closely related to a kind of sedative that is used when humans have to undergo procedures in the hospital. The sedative basically wipes out the memory of the procedure as well as a few hours beforehand and a few hours afterwards. Moonlight wouldn’t have remembered the sedative injection that caused her to yelp, LT. She passed away remembering the love you showed her through the years, the comfort you gave her and she gave you. She didn’t remember the vet’s office, LT, she remembered the love you two had together.

    Reply
    • 52. LooneyTunes  |  January 31, 2015 at 9:11 am

      Thank you for telling me this. I wish you knew how much telling me about the sedative has helped. Honestly, Dr. Val told me the same thing, but I couldn’t find any information about it on the internet, so I didn’t know if it was true. I thought maybe she was just trying to comfort me…. but you confirmed what she said. Thank you.

      Reply
      • 53. ritalee8383  |  January 31, 2015 at 8:22 pm

        Oh it’s totally true that they give drugs to cause amnesia in certain circumstances and before some procedures LT. I’ve seen it myself. I’ve seen it used all the time with pediatric patients as well as before endoscopes or colonoscopies are done etc. etc. Personally I’ve seen versed & ativan used intravenously.

        Here are a few links LT:

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Drug-induced_amnesia

        http://surgery.about.com/od/beforesurgery/qt/VersedMidazolamVersed.htm

        It was good to see you post I keep on checking in and was so relieved.

        Reply
      • 54. krista1066  |  February 1, 2015 at 1:23 am

        You’re welcome, LT. When it was my little-old-man cat Frank’s time, the vet gave him the same sedative injection. It gave me a little bright spot of peace during that awful day, just as I hope knowing about the sedative eases your heart a little.

        She loved you, and she knew you loved her, more deeply than it’s possible to say.

        Reply
  • 55. Jen C  |  January 31, 2015 at 7:20 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss, LT. I guess in a way she’ll live on in your memory.

    Reply
  • 56. jpirog2013  |  January 31, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    Really sorry for your loss, you have a lot of love for her.

    Reply
  • 57. Foster Mom in Training  |  January 31, 2015 at 11:00 pm

    LT,
    I have been thinks of you. I am so sorry for your loss. I have been through the same situation with two of my dogs. Please know that we care and support you. (Sorry my earlier comment didn’t come through.) Sending you (((hugs))) and wishes for peace. Moonlight was a lucky pup.

    Reply
  • 58. Stephanie  |  February 1, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    Hi LT,
    We were just thinking of you and wanted to pop ‘in’ and say hi and remind you that you aren’t alone. We’re praying for you, friend. Lots of hugs and love from Kansas City.
    -Steph and Tim

    Reply
  • 59. butterflysblog  |  February 2, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    Sweet LT, my poor sweetheart. I’m trying to type while crying after reading how you said goodbye to a member of your family. This post resonated with anyone who has ever loved and lost, or anyone with a heart or brain. Sweet LT – new pain always touches on old pain. This is a time to be incredibly gentle and kind with yourself as you grieve this loss. You are loved by so many of us, all around the world – never forget that. You have touched our hearts, and I’m so grateful that you’ve touched mine. Love, Butterfly

    Reply
  • 60. lee1978  |  February 3, 2015 at 6:50 am

    Hey LT I wanted to share something with you that might at least help you to see that you are important. That can be good when we are hurting. I live in New England in a small state probably a very long way away from you. On a Facebook city group that I belong to someone just started an initiative to create care packages for kids in foster care. When she did it she referenced your blog and the post about treating foster kids like trash. I thought maybe you would want to know how far your words are reaching and how much they are helping others. Sending healing thoughts in this very sad time for you.

    Reply
    • 61. ritalee8383  |  February 3, 2015 at 10:06 am

      That’s wonderful! Is the link open to the public? If it is could you share it? I’d love to be involved in something like that in honor of LT.

      Reply
  • 62. Mimi  |  February 3, 2015 at 8:24 am

    So sorry for your loss LT! Praying for you. I believe that animal spirits continue on. I’m sure Moonlight’s spirit will be near you and after all her life’s struggles her only goal was to love & protect you….she would want you to be happier because your life had her in it….no matter how short the time. My friend Ann once told me l”oving your pet isn’t about the price you pay to bring them home or the price you pay at the vet….it is the price you pay when you have to let go!” *Hugs*

    Reply
  • 63. onemorewithus  |  February 3, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    LT, friend… I’m thinking of you! xoxo

    Reply
  • 64. Scoopy  |  February 4, 2015 at 12:05 am

    oh LT. I am so so sorry for your loss. Moonlight has been so special for you. You were brave and strong and kind in the end for her. I believe without a doubt that she will still be with you, watching over you, a guardian angel for you. I am praying for you to keep courage. I am going to have a good cry now for you. Again, I am so sorry.

    Reply
  • 65. sageplants  |  February 5, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    hey, I was listening to one of my more moody favorite songs, I want to share it with you. Its called Midnight and there is a section with a dog in the vid/song that makes me think about you again. If its not your gig, dont worry, I wont either. peace

    Reply
  • 66. ritalee8383  |  February 5, 2015 at 8:16 pm

    LT I keep on thinking about you and worrying about you and clicking on your site hoping that you post a reply or have a new post so that I know that you are ok. I know that you have been going through hell and I wish there was something I could do to help you but I know that there isn’t. I have to believe that a lot more people are doing the same. You have been through so much in your life. To me you are a hero. To me you are a warrior. A survivor. Please know that you are in my heart.

    Reply
  • 67. Stephanie  |  March 28, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    Hi LT,

    Signs of spring are showing up all over here in Missouri. Hope you’re ok and being good to yourself. Just wanted to make sure you knew someone was thinking of you.
    Steph

    Reply
  • 68. sheila  |  April 23, 2015 at 9:07 am

    havent heard from you in a while. hope you are ok. praying for you.

    Reply
  • 69. dinah1007  |  May 5, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Where are you, baby?

    Reply
  • 70. mommyof6  |  May 8, 2015 at 3:47 pm

    L.T we are missing you….

    Reply
  • 71. atetothebar  |  July 30, 2015 at 1:18 pm

    I had stopped reading your posts for awhile, but have come back to find out you lost Midnight.  I am so sad.  My deepest condolences. There is nothing like the love of a dog.  They are so healing.  I have three and they are my heart and soul.  Funny, my youngest one is a so-called “problem dog.”  My trainer says others would not have kept him.  He’s very high anxiety and fearful, such that he bites first and asks questions later.  With all that, he’s so incredibly smart and sweet, but you gotta get past his initial fearfulness first.  My foster son (to whom the dog has always related well) once said he related best to that dog because “he’s like me.”  Neither dogs, nor humans, should ever be “throw away.”  You share so much wisdom here and you remind me every day to be a better person.  I am glad to be back.  –Christine (aka AteToTheBar)

    Reply

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