fake orange cheese and random thoughts

May 13, 2015 at 9:24 pm 49 comments

.

i ate a bag of puffy cheetos today.

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if you are a long-time reader, you would know that i love puffy cheetos… not because they taste great because they dont really… but because they look like smiles… and sometimes that makes me smile.

… but not today. not since Moonlight died.  i feel so lost without her.alask

i turned the puffy cheetos upside down and the smiles became frowns. i ate them one by one… the whole dam bag.

 

i think i gained 1000 pounds since she died.. all i have done is eat crap. i wish i was the type of person who stops eating when they get depressed, but i never want to be in a position where i don’t eat again…  had enough of it growing up.. starving that is.  so as i get more and more depressed, i eat more and more shit.  it’s a vicious cycle…

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i have no “healthy” self-soothing behaviors.  i’ve written about my coping mechanisms before, but they suck and are nothing but self-harming. my psychiatrist wants me to exercise, but my exercise was taking Moonlight and Shadow for walks. there is no Moonlight now… its tough to walk anywhere because every place i go, i think “hey, Moonlight peed there” or “hey, Moonlight knew that dog,” etc…

Worse yet are the people that stop me and ask me where my dog is?  Like i never realized how many people knew i walked Moonlight 2-3 times a day.  She was so uniquely beautiful that lots of people thumbnail.aspxnoticed her.  And now they notice that she is missing… and it sucks.

you are probably surprised and wondering why i am not dead….?    i wonder why i am not dead, too.???  Dr. Val has the crane/yoke of my S&W, so shooting myself couldn’t happen.  Jumping never works, as you know I have been pulled off bridges… neither does swallowing pills or slitting wrists.

i saw Dr. Val lik5673723761_9fd552423e_z_largee EVERYDAY for 2 months… even on the weekends.  she probably wishes i was dead too, tired of me…

maybe she kept me alive…. but how long can that last?

do you know sometimes i goto therapy and can’t remember what the hell went on?  how am i supposed to get better if i can’t remember it?  how am i supposed to fix myself if i don’t remember what is going on?

i’m going to be in therapy forever at this rate, but heck, i won’t remember it anyway so fuck it.

…i still have Moonlight’s food, i haven’t washed her bed,… …and i kept all her ripped up toys

i  miss my dog so much.th

when you grow up abused and in the foster care system, you learn to cover up for disappointment and abandonment.  you learn to get tough, although deep inside your heart is bleeding tears.  you can tell by looking deep into a person’s eyes, that their heart is really sad…i have been disappointed and abandoned so much, but NOTHING can compare to losing Moonlight.  all the foster homes that dumped me or treated me like shit, all the beatings that i took from the bios, all the crap of trying to survive on the streets, seem small in comparison to losing my dog.12345

so i have been eating bags of puffy cheetos…

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i miss my dog so much

49 Comments Add your own

  • 1. sageplant  |  May 13, 2015 at 9:40 pm

    Oh good…your here…a bit more unhealthy with junk food (so what)
    Im am sad that your dog /friend is gone, as i sit next to a good dog.
    I can feel the pain a little. Message me…maybe? Glad you had Val for every day..she must be awesome, and i really mean that in the most-respectful way! Its just hard, sometimes harder for some than others..Hey, i really am glad your still here…i almost lost a friend this past week…so , really. Peace

    Reply
  • 2. Colleen  |  May 13, 2015 at 9:48 pm

    I have never been so happy to get an email! Eat LT, cry it out, be sad, Midnight was yours, and it’s okay to be sad, for as long as it takes…I hope you know how much you have been thought of and prayed for…how many times my friend and I said “if only we knew how to reach her…” We would cook for you, listen to you, be there when you cry…I guess just being on here, reading what you have to say, and being glad to see you say it, well, that is what we can do…and I for one will continue to do…I’m so glad you are still here…

    Reply
    • 3. Colleen  |  May 14, 2015 at 5:40 am

      *Moonlight, dang autocorrect! Hugs 😊

      Reply
  • 4. Whitney  |  May 13, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    So glad to read this post. Be gentle with yourself LT.

    Reply
  • 5. s00147954  |  May 13, 2015 at 9:59 pm

    LT! seeing you post again brightened my spirits – and that’s a huge deal considering I’m currently recovering from kidney stones 🙂 (worst pain ever – drink lots of water!)

    Healthy is good obviously, but you only get one life and it’s short – whatever works for you is good 🙂

    Reply
  • 6. bikelaura  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    I had my own personal celebration when I saw the email alert of your blogpost! I thank God for puffy Cheetos if that is what you need to have right now. Could you add just a handful of dark leafy greens? Just talked to a nutritionist who taught me a little about how important dark leafy greens every day can be. Any thoughts on getting back on a bike? Just a thought. I have been and will continue to pray for you.

    Reply
  • 7. jpirog2013  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    Great to see you back! Now make up for some lost time with some more blog posts, we’ve been waiting some months now.

    Reply
  • 8. Sara  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:07 pm

    Hi LT. Glad to see you posted. I had a boxer who died 3 years ago and I still think about her now. It is hard losing a good friend. ((hugs))

    Reply
  • 9. hazy55  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    I am also happy to see you posted. Keep writing, maybe it will be healing 🙂

    Reply
  • 10. ms. musings  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:20 pm

    please don’t give up. you have been through so much and have overcome it. you can get through this too. i watched my first cat have a heart attack in front of me. i couldn’t breathe. i didnt come out of it for awhile. but my best advice to you is to GO BE AROUND OTHER ANIMALS. seriously. especially puppies. you CAN NOT be sad around puppies. it’s impossible. consider getting a new dog very soon. it would NOT be a replacement to your dog. it would simply be a new dog to make new memories with. do you think moonlight would want you to waste your life being sad instead of helping another dog be loved unconditionally? another dog who’s had a hard life too just waiting for someone to love too?

    Reply
  • 11. momma2abby  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:34 pm

    Has your Dr taught you any grounding exercises? Ask her. For a long time the kiddo did them in her psych’s office and sometimes I walked her through but I think now she actually does them on her own.

    Anyway, simply, it just mean to try to be really aware and actively think about the surroundings you are in. So you can notice the weather if you’re outside. Is the sun warm? Is there a breeze blowing. If you are inside you can actively think in your head about the color of paint on the wall. Feel how the chair supports you. Run your fingers over the arms of the chair. Are they hard like metal? Smooth wood? Soft? Feel how firmly you can plant yourself through your feet on the floor. I know it sounds silly but it really works good for stressing and dissociating. I know a couple people that keep oranges in the freezer. They pull them out and play with them at the table. The oranges start out so orange and hard but they warm up and if you bang on the table a little they will release orange oil. You’ll be able to smell it on your hands for awhile which is a smell I find really pleasant.

    I’m glad you wrote today. I hope you are able to add some fruits and veggies to your junk food. Protein seems to be a big deal for folks that dissociate.

    My kiddo loses time too. I can imagine it is disconcerting. I imagine though if your parts are coming out at Dr Val’s that means things are going well. Parts don’t seem to come out unless they feel safe. They would have work to do with Dr Val too. I’m so glad she saw you every day for so long. What a commitment she has made to you!

    Anyway, I’m still here listening.

    Reply
  • 12. Tina Bean  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:36 pm

    I’m so very sorry about Moonlight. I am also glad Dr. Val has been taking care of you. And I am so glad you posted tonight. You have been in all of our hearts and we were so very worried about you!! I eat when I’m stressed or sad too. In fact I am sitting in front of a big bowl of ice cream right now.

    I do agree that meeting a new dog or two might be a good thing. Is there a shelter nearby where you could volunteer? The humane society can always use people to walk or wash the dogs, feed the kitty cats, or just bring them outside to play and socialize with them for awhile. I know your gentle spirit would be a gift to them. Our beloved cat died in 2013. She had been with me for pretty much my entire adult life, before I had any children, so they had never known life without her. We adopted a shelter kitty about 2 months after she died and it was so good to have a sweet furry friend again. Even our other cat perked up when she arrived. ❤

    Reply
  • 13. ritalee8383  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    I will never look at Cheetos the same way again. 🙂

    My heart just soared when I saw that you had made a post. Thank you so much for letting us all know how things are going with you. Dr. Val is amazing. That’s some dedication on her part. You must mean a lot to her.

    I’m so sorry that your heart is hurting so much with the passing of Moonlight. She truly was a big part of your little family. Really the first family that you ever had. Of course that type of sorrow goes deep to the marrow of the bone. Grief is so hard.

    I’m so happy that you are still here LT. Thank you for your post.

    Reply
  • 14. mesomama  |  May 13, 2015 at 10:59 pm

    LT, I’m soooo happy you’re still here! I was so afraid you weren’t. Keep seeing Dr. Val, and let yourself grieve.

    Reply
  • 15. jnkmailacc  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    So very sad, I hate this. I wish this world wasn’t so cruel. I have been emotionally eating as well lately, it sucks too. So sorry about moonlight, it’s really the worst pain.

    Reply
  • 16. Foster Mom in Training  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:11 pm

    I wish I could hug you. I am glad you are still here. Look at how much you have healed without even realizing it. You are stronger. Shadow is still here with you. Hang in there. I’m so proud of you for fighting on. (((Hugs)))

    Reply
  • 17. sheila  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    I go to bed tonight with a smile on my face from a prayer answered. you wrote again! continued prayers for you.

    Reply
  • 18. Broken  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:26 pm

    So glad you are still eating Cheetos! Dr Val devotes all that time for your appointments because she believes in you, and she knows you have been hurting.

    Thanks for writing a post, LT. Keep on writing!

    Reply
  • 19. Nathan  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:41 pm

    Wow good to hear your voice so to speak, LT.

    Reply
  • 20. montanamum  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:50 pm

    Thinking of you. Always.

    Reply
  • 21. manyofus1980  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:52 pm

    Yes yes yes! You are alive! You did not kill yourself. LT how glad I am to see your post! Cheetos are yummy and I love what you said about the smiles! So sad about moonlight, sending hugs ❤ xoxo

    Reply
  • 22. manyofus1980  |  May 13, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    also lt was wondering if you’d like to follow my blog? I write about my disability blindness, my mental illnesses ptsd and did, my family, life in general, my dog Nitro, he’s a guide dog, I also write book reviews, post quotes that I like etc. the blog is http://adayinthelifeofablindperson.wordpress.com/ and any and all of lt’s readers can subscribe would love it since your all so awesome! ❤ lt xxxx

    Reply
  • 23. krista1066  |  May 14, 2015 at 12:17 am

    Reply
  • 24. mbelyea  |  May 14, 2015 at 12:39 am

    So glad to finally hear from you. It is tough but hang in there.
    My husband of 53 years died in January–I am still trying to recover.

    Reply
  • 25. Jen  |  May 14, 2015 at 2:50 am

    I am so, so sorry that Moonlight is no longer with you. Losing a pet is one of the worst things, and I’m sending hugs. I hope that when you’re ready, you can share your love with another pup who deserves someone that cares, and that will make you smile. 🙂

    Reply
  • 26. layto123J9  |  May 14, 2015 at 3:28 am

    Cry, eat Cheetos, do what you need to keep going. Just remember tomorrow is a new day and might just feel a little better than today. What seems impossible to bear now gets a little easier every day and you know, the best thing you can do is remember Moonlight, remember how she made you smile. It might make you cry now but eventually those same memories will get you through. Moonlight would not want you to give up. Hang in there, take care of yourself and know that you have a lot of people that care for you. This blogs is proof of that!!!

    Reply
  • 27. Eve and Ella  |  May 14, 2015 at 4:09 am

    Eve and I are so pleased to see that you are posting again. You are our soul sister as we spend years “living” in a Children’s Home and we think about you every day. Stay strong!

    Reply
  • 28. Ally  |  May 14, 2015 at 6:03 am

    I am so, so glad to see you back here LT!

    Sending hugs, lots of hugs.

    No advice from me, just one more person in this world that is really, really glad you are coping ok, even if things suck big time right now.
    I missed you and am very glad to see you’re back online. Sending you digital hugs from the UK xxx

    Reply
  • 29. beth o'malley  |  May 14, 2015 at 7:19 am

    true that. we have been waiting for months. grief is a full time job. dogs have a unique place in our heart. eat junk food, and keep all the smells around as long as possible. write to us. hugs from Boston

    Reply
  • 30. Joyce  |  May 14, 2015 at 7:33 am

    Happy tears that you are posting again. hugs from florida

    Reply
  • 31. Paula  |  May 14, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Whew. Glad you wrote. Keep hanging in there.

    Reply
  • 32. bethanylest  |  May 14, 2015 at 8:36 am

    So happy to see this post pop up in my email this morning. Don’t give up, time will heal. Is Shadow still around?

    Reply
  • 33. Natasha  |  May 14, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Have been thinking about you, and grateful to know you are still with us here on earth. We have a current foster child who may have been truly abandoned by both of their parents, and all extended family. Thinking about how to talk to them about this as they get older, it makes by brain and my heart hurt. There is no explanation that will not devastate their little heart. How do any of us MAKE it to adulthood? This life is painful, and I am working everyday to find the beauty anyway, for me and for my children (thru birth, adoption, and foster care). Peace and Blessings dear one. We all need it.

    Reply
  • 34. Liza  |  May 14, 2015 at 9:48 am

    LT!!!! So happy that you are here!!!! 🙂 🙂 🙂
    Seeing Dr. Val everyday is a very healthy coping mechanism, I think. You can be so proud of yourself for sticking it out and letting someone help you.
    And I totally relate to eating a lot of junk food when I’m depressed. It sucks. The one good part is that it can’t last forever – you run out. Lol.
    Hang in there, LT. I believe in you. I’m so grateful to you and to Dr. Val for your teamwork in keeping you here.

    Reply
  • 35. Mary DeLong  |  May 14, 2015 at 11:42 am

    As you now know, the loss of a pet produces as much grief as the loss of any loved one. There are online groups of people experiencing the same grief and understand what you are going through. I still tear up when I remember Jack. Moonlight can never be replaced neither can Jack but with so many unwanted pets in shelters, I found a new friend. When you are emotionally ready, try volunteering at a shelter to heal your heart.

    Reply
  • 36. Kimberly Williams  |  May 14, 2015 at 1:24 pm

    So happy to see you post again, just knew you were gone forever and there would be no way to know it. You never get over loss(no reason to even try) you simply learn how to live with it every day. And so what if you have therapy for the rest of your life, most of us need it no shame in it; it isnt a destination so much as a journey, so keep going even if you dont remember any of it. Normally i dont pray alot, id rather do something to fix things, however since this is all i can do in this case i will continue to pray and send positive thoughts your way. Thank you for just being here still!

    Reply
  • 37. onemorewithus  |  May 14, 2015 at 4:32 pm

    Oh. My. Goodness… You are here!!! You are alive and you’re here!!! I thought we had lost you but you are here!!!!!!!!! Yay!!! You are here!!!!😅😅😅😅😅

    Reply
    • 38. Diane  |  May 14, 2015 at 5:55 pm

      Exactly.

      Reply
  • 39. Liesel  |  May 14, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    so happy to hear from you* hang in there* and best regards to dr. val.

    Reply
  • 40. instantkarma85  |  May 14, 2015 at 7:50 pm

    I’m so glad you posted! I was worried about you as well, I know many people that follow you feel like they know you just as I do- Please know that we feel that way because you have opened up to us in a way very few people in our lives ever do, even those we have known our whole lives. In a sense, though we have never met, we know you better than almost anyone, and guess what? WE LOVE YOU. You show us every little bit about you, and we aren’t pushing you away, we are holding you even closer, because your honesty, your heart, and your humor, YOU are beautiful. There is nothing you can do or say to change that. I’m a bio and foster mother, hopefully adoptive mother as well, and I’m telling you this because its the honest truth- I will be here for you if you ever need me, just like I will be there for any of my children. Please don’t feel alone. Please don’t let your sadness swallow you whole. I know you’ve been through hell, but open your heart again, just like you did for Moonlight- give a foster dog a chance to be loved unconditionally and heal the hurt you feel now. Dont think we are bothered by you, or that anyone wants you dead- you are a precious gift. your insights have helped me become a better informed and therefore a better foster mother, you have helped helped the children in my care have a better life- I will always cherish your words. I’m sending you my love, good energy, and gratitude- hold onto it and know that you are loved ❤

    Reply
  • 41. mommyof6  |  May 14, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    Oh LT I am glad you wrote. I am sorry you are feeling terrible. I just want to hug you
    Take care

    Reply
  • 42. Tara dSL  |  May 15, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Glad to hear from you! Better to be alive and eating Cheetos than the alternative. You take care of your sweet self and do whatever you need to do to cope with the pain and loss. It will get better, it just takes time. Meanwhile, I hope you know that your blog family loves you and wishes you well.

    Reply
  • 43. mv49496  |  May 17, 2015 at 12:46 pm

    on top of your sadness, don’t beat yourself up about your coping skills. they are what they are and you have gotten through many things with them. but you could add some more to the list. how about your art? painting or novel writing (I like writing stories because I can put my pain under someone else’s name. don’t recreate the whole scenario of yours — that is flooding and it’s not helpful emotionally, but expressing the emotion and ascribing it to a different character is beautiful productive work and helps to feel not alone in this/relate to other people. (for example, you could describe a mother who is mourning the loss of her baby to crib death but still has to take the other kids to the park)
    best wishes. let me know if you have any writing questions. or want to talk.
    michelle

    Date: Thu, 14 May 2015 01:25:21 +0000
    To: mv_49496@hotmail.com

    Reply
  • 44. angelamarshall2013  |  May 18, 2015 at 10:13 am

    LT – so glad that you are eating puffy Cheetos! Not sure if you like the crunchy kind as well :). Hang in there.

    Reply
  • 45. tfreeman.org  |  May 21, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    Keep writing! You are impacting the world through your readers and those they influence! I’m grateful you choose to write a much as you have and I believe it will continue to keep you processing of you just keep writing!

    Reply
  • 46. norcalredneckprincess  |  June 2, 2015 at 2:16 am

    Hey girl I’ve been reading your blog, I was a foster kid too, I’ve recently started therapy and realized she don’t give a Damn about me either, in fact a lot of people don’t, I feel I can help you, i relate to a lot of what you write about, hit me up, norcalredneckprincess@gmail.com

    Reply
  • 47. Jen  |  June 2, 2015 at 10:23 am

    I just found your blog through Pinterest. I am sitting here in tears at reading of the loss of Moonlight. My heart breaks for you and I hope you find the strength someday to bring another pet into your life to share your heart with. Until then, you might consider visiting a nearby animal shelter. Not to volunteer, necessarily, just to visit and let those beautiful animals know that they are not forgotten. My husband won’t let us adopt any more pets (we already have three cats, a dog, two children and two foster children so we have a full house!) but the kids love to snuggle with a new kitten or dog friend for half an hour or so. Unconditional love without the commitment…you deserve it! Hugs and healing thoughts to you!

    Reply
  • 48. Jules  |  June 5, 2015 at 5:19 am

    I’m glad to see you posting again. and I’m so sorry about moonlight but you gave her a wonderful home and made her really happy, *hugs*

    Reply
  • 49. Laura  |  June 24, 2015 at 1:32 pm

    Could you please email me privately? I really would like to “talk” to you about your depression. I am not trying to sell you anything or talk you into anything. I think that what I have to say truly could help you and it’s nothing you have to BUY or DO! Hope to hear from you. What have you got to lose???

    Reply

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