being dumped and dumping

May 28, 2015 at 9:09 pm 38 comments

.your-dumped-broght-pink-purple

If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that I was “dumped” alot growing up.  Dumped by severely abusive bio-parents, dumped by lots of foster homes, dumped by abusive boys on the streets, and dumped by crappy therapists.

While being dumped sucks, there is one thing that sucks more…  never knowing why you were dumped.  Let’s see, I know why I was “dumped”/abandoned by my bioparents and I know why I was dumped on the streets…let’s not cover these again, because I know why.

But foster parents….. foster parents……

toddler-discipline…in most cases I have NO FUCKING clue why I was dumped.  I can only assume it was because I was a bad kid and I did alot of bad things.  But NO-ONE ever said “LT, stop drawing on the walls or you will be dumped.”  “LT stop hoarding and hiding food or you will be dumped.”  “LT, stop clogging the toilet with your t-shirt or you will be dumped.”  With the exception of a couple of homes, I never knew anything….

…and I still don’t because in the state I grew up, my records are confidential under social serviceLTfile laws.   I have no fucking idea why all those foster parents got rid of me.  I was a white, skinny kid with blond hair and blue-eyes.  I was “perfect” in all those traits that people look for when adopting.  Alright, so I was a little older, but that can’t possibly account for all the foster homes that kicked me out.

So last week, I was talking to Dr. Val, my therapist of many years, and we were talking about how to make it easier for me to leave therapy.  Apparently I have a hard time leaving and stay there until I am almost kicked out the dam door. While discussing my problems with “leaving,” somehow we got onto the topic of what could I do that would make Dr. Val dump me.  It went like this….

LT: What would you dump me for?

DR VAL:  I don’t think there is any reason I would dump you?  Not in 30+ years have I dumped a client.

LT:  Yeah, there has to be some reasons…..  Maybe make a list… because if I know those things, then ITheListLogo_0-2 won’t do them and you won’t dump me.

DR VAL: LT, I really can’t think of any reasons…but we can talk about this next time…

LT:  Dr Val, think of a list — of the things that I shouldn’t do…

On my way out, she said she would think of a list…

Fast forward only TWO days…

DR VAL: What shall we talk about today?

LT:  The list

DR VAL:  The list in your hand?

LT: No, that’s money… your check.  You know the list you were going to think about.

DR VAL:  <Silent>

LT:  You forgot

It was then I realized that Dr. Val didn’t think a dam thing about me when I walk out of her office.

DR VAL:  mumble, mumble, mumble, etc….

I sat there staring at the door realizing how this really sucked.  A person that was so important to trustme didn’t really give a rats ass… because that “LIST” would have helped me figure out how to behave so I don’t get dumped.  That “LIST” would have given me clues about what I could do wrong… instead, I got a person who didn’t even think I was important enough to try something that would make me feel safe in the relationship …

LT:  I wanna go and I want my stuff (she has a piece of my gun and some drawings)

DR VAL:  mumble mumble mumble…

I don’t know what is worse…i-dont-care

…..the fact that Dr Val forgot about the LIST or the fact that Dr Val is like a bank… drive through, deposit your money, and leave and the bank teller doesn’t give a rat’s ass who you are.  Out the door and you are forgotten about…

I feel really hurt.outofishgtoutofmind

I dumped Dr. Val.

you_are_dumped

 

 

I can’t do it anymore.  My life is not getting better. I thought therapy could help…. but it’s just some superficial setting where everyone pretends there is a relationship for the small increments in time… just like in foster care!

She tried to get me to feel guilty by talking about how she was so available when Moonlight died…and I gave her credit for that…. but I still paid for every freaking minute.  I don’t think it had anything to do with caring,  but she did it because she was afraid I would kill myself and because I am a steady paycheck….

…. just like I was growing up in foster care.

 

paycheck-for-all

By the way, this month is National Foster Care Awareness month.  Be aware …

agingout3

 

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

rehired and perceptions from the past

38 Comments Add your own

  • 1. bradaddisonBrad  |  May 28, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    Hi LT – man, that hit some sore points for me. I’m a regular reader and very occasional commenter on your blog.

    I work with kids in Foster Care. I have for longer than I care to remember now. In fact, some of the kids I first worked with are having 30th birthdays, so that makes me old! (not really, I was very young when I started ). But your post really made me think. I have a lot of kids come and go, week in and week out. I like to think that I’m important to them, and I know that they’re important to me. But I do have a life that goes on outside of those relationships. It doesn’t mean I care any less or that those relationships are any less important.

    But like Dr Val, I know I let kids down at times. I forget a birthday, or to follow through on some commitment I’ve made. When it happens, and I see the look in a kid’s eyes, I just want to hide under a rock. Or grab them and hug them and convince them that I do care. But the reality is that our actions speak much louder than our words ever will. And that hurts.

    I hope you haven’t given up 100% on Dr Val. From following you for years, I know she’s a significant person to you. And from this fly on the wall point a million miles away, I really believe that she cares about you.

    Thanks for sharing, please please don’t give up.

    Reply
  • 2. Connie Lettow  |  May 28, 2015 at 9:31 pm

    Wow. Your posts really draw me in, they are so real, and raw.

    You’ve made me cry and think and wonder.

    I wonder, why do foster kids get dumped? Some people who I’ve met who work with foster kids are telling me about a system that is so dizzyingly fagile/complex, that some people don’t have a choice. I wish the records were open to adult foster kids, though. Hell, even foster parents who wonder what’s become of their children should have a little bit of knowledge also. Most people go into this mess without enough information I know.

    But I think information about yourself should belong to you. You definitely have the right to know.

    Xoxoxo Connie Lettow

    Reply
    • 3. Matt S  |  June 26, 2015 at 4:59 pm

      Is this Connie Johnson from Salmon ID

      Reply
  • 4. jessithelibrarian  |  May 28, 2015 at 9:51 pm

    Based off of my experiences as a foster parent, sometimes it’s not the child’s fault. I have a little girl who has some anger issues (rightly so). She was with me when she first came into foster care; a family member came forward and she was replaced with them (that’s two moves there). I got a call 6 months later and asked if I would take her back, apparently the family could not ‘handle’ her tantrums (which was one part anger and three parts being a 2 year old child). So she would have been ‘dumped’ three times in her 2 little years even though it wasn’t my choice to have her moved from my home, but sometimes ‘family is better for the child.’ I’m happy to say we will be adopting her in the next month or so, but long story short, not all dumplings are because of the child.

    Reply
    • 5. wendysmith193  |  May 29, 2015 at 2:35 am

      How can you say ‘sometimes it is not the child’s fault’?? It is NEVER the child’s fault. Sometimes a move is in the child’s best interest. Most times, the family or the system has failed them

      Reply
      • 6. Colleen Cox  |  May 29, 2015 at 11:39 am

        Great answer Wendy, sorry Jess…if folks get it wrong, and cannot manage with the behaviors it is NEVER the child’s fault…it is really no one’s FAULT per se…if the adults cannot manage, that is on them, never the child…and some of the children that end up in foster care have seen unspeakable things…that shape them, and make them who they are…if they were hungry, they hoard food, if they were beaten, they may act out thinking that is the only way they can get attention…I am so THANKFUL for folks that will open their hearts in a positive way (ie, not motivated by the money) to help children in need…but I truly believe that foster parents need to weigh all of the costs, and make a decision BEFORE taking a child in, that they can hang for the long haul…otherwise, like LT, children get dumped, and it is not okay, and NEVER their fault…

        Reply
      • 7. jessithelibrarian  |  June 30, 2015 at 9:02 pm

        My apologies, I misspoke- when I said the child’s fault, I meant as the adults giving that as the reason, something they see as the child having ‘done/behaved.’ I know that the child themselves would not have done anything to deserve being ripped from the things they know and moved. I was trying to explain that it’s the adults who feel they cannot deal with the child that would make them remove the child. I’m sorry that I wasn’t clear on my response- I was just trying to say that it’s the adults that have the problem, not the child. LT wonders what she had ‘done’ and in my bumbling way I was trying to say nothing- it’s the adults. She did nothing, it was their issue, their problem.

        Reply
    • 8. Jane  |  May 29, 2015 at 11:22 am

      Come on…it is never because of the child.

      All dumpings are because the foster parent(s) are not getting what they want out of the situation. If they get a child placed with them who doesn’t fill that want then the child gets moved on. This is obviously never the fault of the child, who has no real power in the situation. LT’s looking for reasons that don’t exist.

      Reply
      • 9. jessithelibrarian  |  June 30, 2015 at 9:07 pm

        Jane, I just replied to Wendy, I had misspoke and was not clear with my phrasing. You are right, it isn’t the child’s fault- ever. You phrased it exactly how I had it in my mind, but could not string together. It is the adults’ issues, and they only use ‘because of xyz actions, behaviors, etc…’ as a sorry excuse.

        Reply
  • 10. onemorewithus  |  May 28, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    LT… I totally get it. Without a support for you going in and out of therapy, that makes therapy less effective…
    I see why you feel the way you do.
    Friend, I join you and agree, it sucks to feel abandoned time and time again.

    Reply
  • 11. instantkarma85  |  May 28, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    First of all, I read your blogs, and I want you to know I honestly do think Dr Val cares about you. You are an easy person to care about. You are honest and real and beautiful and you offer insight in many ways that no one else is capable of. Secondly, however, the nature of paying someone to spend time with us is a system that is bound to fail or at the very least make us question motives at one point or another. I did not have a childhood that was even remotely comparable to what you had gone through, so I won’t pretend to understand you entirely, but I was abused in many ways by many people as well as abandoned, and it always left me feeling like I wasn’t enough… like there was something horribly wrong with me and I was unlovable. So whenever anyone has shown interest in me as a friend or otherwise, I don’t really believe them- i tend to think… “what d you REALLY want? ” or “they dont REALLY like me” or “they just feel bad for me…” because who in their right mind could love me? the only people in the entire world that were supposed to love me more than anything didn’t … BUT… I didn’t start feeling better until I realized that the problem WAS me, it was that I didn’t love me. I hated me. I thought everyone else in the world was entitled to happiness and love, but not me. It took me a long time to stop loathing myself. One thing that helped was I watched a movie called “may I be Frank”. his genuine expression won me over, and I really tried to do what he did to my best ability. I can’t say I love myself, more like I work on not hating myself, and sometimes I’m more successful than others. Sometimes my life seems great and I wonder why I don’t have more friends… then I feel like a fraud and start at the beginning. My point is that I’m sure Dr Val cares about you, and its hard not to question that, i know… but if you are able to start shifting your self-loathing into self-loving, slowly, you might begin to feel the love that others have for you and trust it- because who in their right mind wouldn’t love you? People that barely even know you take the time to keep updated with you and reach out to you often to share their love and encouragement, The love that you cannot deny is the love that is freely given, without benefit or motives of the giver, to someone they laugh with, cry with, and have never even met. you are inspiration to so many and we are all pulling for you to keep your chin up and keep moving forward. We love you. Stay strong!

    Reply
  • 12. jnkmailacc  |  May 28, 2015 at 10:25 pm

    Why don’t you find a mentor on one of the zillion foster care sites on fb or some genuine person who you don’t have to pay? There are so many Pp who actually care about those in need. You need to find some of those people. Maybe If you volunteer you’ll find some awesome human being to rely on in the process. If you’re in ny I’m a great listener.

    Reply
  • 13. momma2abby  |  May 28, 2015 at 10:43 pm

    You know LT, from the sounds of it Dr Val is a good therapist and good therapists are always in demand. I wouldn’t worry that she is doing it for the money. It sounds like she would have more than enough business. I suppose she could have been trying to guilt trip you about it, but I think talking about seeing you every day is therapist talk for ‘you can trust me’.

    Hope you get a little relaxation here soon. Sounds like it is hard work to be you.

    Reply
  • 14. PurpleLindsay  |  May 28, 2015 at 10:48 pm

    So it turns out Dr Val is mortal, huh? She messed up… Like everyone does in every relationship. But mistakes don’t mean we don’t care about each other, or that we won’t continue to care for and invest in each other.

    Just throwing this out there… but could it be that her refusal to name “deal breakers”, i.e her authentic commitment to you, was just too difficult to bear? Too big to hope for? “too much” to even let yourself want? I know I’ve found myself in similar situations and chosen, at least briefly, to cut off or attack similar hopes in myself when they began to sprout potential.

    I hope you will spend some time sitting with this decision. Let yourself feel hurt, but also consider what she has brought to your life- and, it sounds like, is committed to bringing to your life as long as YOU are willing.

    Reply
  • 15. rootbeer23  |  May 28, 2015 at 10:57 pm

    LT,

    Your writing really hit close to home here. I’m a 46-year old former foster & lately I’ve been doing an “autopsy”, almost, on my past relationships with people & my life choices in hopes of figuring out how I got where I am now & identifying mistakes/trends along the way.
    I, too, want some clear lines to not cross in dealing with others. I’ve realized that in my case, not only do I have fears of abandonment but I also put a greater measure of importance on friendships/relationships because of the earlier dumping.
    Now here’s where I’m at — I’ve figured out what my defects are & why/how I earned every one of them. My main goal of the whole process is to not fall into the same situations as I have in the past — people-pleaser & helper/fixer that keeps trying to find romance with the bad boy way too fast.
    My mistake all along has been believing that my interactions with someone mean as much to them as they do to me, & that’s just not so.
    It is because of the dumping that I seek out relationships (friendships & romantic) more intensely than others.
    Now I realize that & I’m terrified that I’ll settle for less than I deserve & will find myself surrounded by people who don’t really feel about me as I do about them & will take advantage of my kindness/generosity.
    Well — it makes a little sense in my head. But after writing it, I’m not sure I’ve made my point.
    I heard something the other day — it was about love addicts. & that people who were dumped, like fosters, are likely to be love addicts — & the reason for that is because of the lack of connection/attachment when young. That just hit me wrong. With the other things people seem to get addicted to; alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, gambling, etc; the addiction comes from doing those things recklessly. But in this situation, I think the point is that I’m broken in that way because of a lack of the substance/situation/love. It’s like being an alcoholic because you’ve never had a single taste of booze. Now that an addiction, or an issue at least, has been identified I should stay away from love until I’ve healed/recovered & can be involved in it without losing myself in it. Seems completely backwards & makes perfect sense all at the same time.
    Don’t know if any of that helps you, but I think it helped me to share it.
    Regarding your therapist, it makes sense that the boundary between you & a professional provider of care may be getting blurry to you, especially after sharing your innermost thoughts & feelings.
    I feel ya — hang in there & take care.
    p

    Reply
  • 16. Linka  |  May 28, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    Ah, LT, I hear your pain, your anger, your grief, and your fears…I hope you will remember they are feelings…and will, if you let them out (you’ve done a good job so far!), drain away, You will find it easier to get up and start again…everyone feels at times the same feelings as you are…I come from a blessed past, with no real trauma in my life, yet I can understand, and have experienced betrayal, abandonment, loneliness… the difference is that mine aren’t overwhelmingly debilitating as yours…and my experience in life has given me good coping skills..but there is hope,always hope, that with every letting out of those feelings you are making space for better ones to fill up…you may be dumping Dr. Val, and maybe you need a little space for a while, but she will be there should you chose to return…as we will be here to share your load a little, listen to you, support and encourage you..pray for you…keep on sweetie…

    Reply
  • 17. Sue  |  May 28, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    I don’t know enough about your therapy to say whether or not or therapist cares, but I am sorry this happened. Children may have bad behaviors, but that does not make them bad. I wish you could get the answer to why you were moved.

    Reply
  • 18. DJ  |  May 28, 2015 at 11:55 pm

    I am a foster parent, and reading your posts help me learn what not to do. I’m sorry you’ve had to go through the things that you have, but thank you for the courage to make it public so that others can learn. They teach us all about what to do, but not many classes teach us what not to do. Listening to people that grew up in the system helps me learn what not to do.

    Reply
  • 19. wendysmith193  |  May 29, 2015 at 2:47 am

    You and Dr Val have a professional relationship. From what I can gather, it is the only human relationship you have risked being involved in. There is a safety in this kind of relationship because of the professional boundaries. That does not make your feelings for each other less real or important. Dr Val is human and will make occasional unintentional blunders or mistakes – like the rest of us. Could it be time to risk having another human relationship alongside your relationship with Dr Val. There are so many offers of friendship to you through this blog. Choose someone and take a risk….

    Reply
  • 20. yoyoyolio  |  May 29, 2015 at 5:59 am

    Dr Val told you she has never dumped anybody before so making a list for you might have been impossible like she said nothing can make her dump you..
    I hope you call her or go see her and “un-dump” her soon 😉 she does care LT, you know she does. Maybe make her a little I am sorry for dumping you card 😉 ? Anyway maybe you should make another list, like a summer to-do list. Like have your own summer camp: volunteer at a pet shelter or talk to your awesome vet to see if they know any local pet rescue organisations that need help? Even think about getting another pet? You were such a great mom to Harbor & Moonlight… I like the idea of you having another pet, taking care of them & taking them for walks.
    How is the job? Did you end up buying a new bike? Where is KC? Also check out http://www.volunteermatch.org you can find local organizations put in your zipcode, you can search by zip code or search by animals or kids?
    Thinking of you LT.. I totally get that you would want to see your file while your were in fostercare.. why so many homes. what happened? Hang in there.. sending big hugs!

    Reply
  • 21. sciencedino  |  May 29, 2015 at 8:26 am

    The reasons why kids in care get moved often make no sense. Sometimes it’s the foster parents’ fault, sometimes the caseworkers, sometimes the judge, sometimes the “system.” I know foster parents who fought super hard to keep their kids and get them needed services, but the system wouldn’t give them and their foster kids the help they needed so the kids ended up in residential or moved to another home where they’d start up the same dangerous behaviors again. It’s not fair – the system is supposed to work to serve kids, but it doesn’t. We adopted our son when he was 11, after 4 years and 10! foster care placements. The system failed him, even though we know his caseworker and several past foster families worked really hard to try to make things work. It’s such BS.

    Reply
  • 22. Jane  |  May 29, 2015 at 11:07 am

    I knew you would do it eventually.

    If you stopped paying her would she keep seeing you? For free?…I think you know the answer.

    She’s not a mother replacement LT. Get your stuff and call it a day.

    You’re worth more than paying someone to listen to you. You just have to believe it.

    God bless.

    Reply
  • 23. Eve and Ella  |  May 29, 2015 at 11:31 am

    I know where you are coming from. I had loads of foster placements that “didn’t work out”. If I was told why I’ve forgotten but I don’t think that I ever knew. What you need and what somebody else also suggested is a volunteer adult mentor. I have had the same one for many years and he has never let me down. Not once, ever!

    Send me an email if it would help or post on my blog.

    Reply
  • 24. Colleen Cox  |  May 29, 2015 at 11:43 am

    Always thinking of you, and so happy to see your posts…a list of behaviors to avoid being dumped…ahhhhhh it was NOT your fault…I agree with another poster who suggested a summer list…of something you really want to do…and if you are truly done with Dr. Val at this point, take that money you were spending and do something AMAZING for yourself…you deserve it…thanks for sharing with us. {{{Hugs}}}

    Reply
  • 25. allymanole  |  May 29, 2015 at 12:23 pm

    LT, Dr Val sounds amazing.
    She is human. She will forget things, make mistakes.
    She does not care any less about you.
    She will happily see you again.
    When you are ready, go back to her.
    She will help you, as she has done so far. We all make mistakes sometimes. Therapists, just like moms, make mistakes, forgive mistakes and continue helping and supporting us. Unfortunately they are not our moms, however much we wish they were.

    I pay my therapist.
    Privately. A lot.
    I have done it for four years.
    My payment is how she takes care of herself, her needs, her families’ needs such as food, accommodation, her training, office, etc.
    What I get from my therapist in return is:
    Her skills.
    Her patience.
    Her insight.
    Her care and compassion – that comes for free. It is healing. It is genuine. It is vital to me.

    Dr Val cares about you LT. And you care about her. When you go back to her you will both see that you have entered a new level in your relationship. Another obstacle that you have navigated through together. Building more trust. One step at a time.

    You’re doing great. The change I have seen in you (your writing) in the last few years is immense and testament to both your and Dr Val’s work together.

    Take good care of yourself.

    Reply
    • 26. allymanole  |  May 29, 2015 at 12:43 pm

      Meant to say – just like good moms. I know not all moms are…

      Reply
    • 27. krista1066  |  June 10, 2015 at 1:40 am

      This commenter said everything I wanted to say, and about a million times better than I could have.

      Thinking of you, dearest LT.

      Reply
  • 28. Stephanie  |  May 29, 2015 at 4:55 pm

    LT, Dr Val told you she has never dumped a client, and can’t think of anything that would make her. You backed her into a corner and required her to ‘make a list’. That’s not how a friendship (or counseling) works. I know you feel hurt. Maybe you went to counseling feeling hurt and this seemed like she was blowing you off? So it seemed like hurt on top of hurt. I don’t think she was but it’s ok. Don’t give up. Press on. But, sweetie there are tons of people who sincerely care for you. I know you want the blog to be anonymous but there are people who would love to get to know the real you. You are wonderful.

    Reply
  • 29. Foster Mom in Training  |  May 29, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    LT,

    It’s okay to feel afraid. Perhaps you could ask her why she didn’t come up with a list. I hope you won’t dump her. You are in charge of your life now. You have that power. I hope you will be kind to yourself. Sending (((hugs))) and positive thoughts.

    Reply
  • 30. Elise  |  May 30, 2015 at 12:25 am

    L.T., it could be that she didn’t come up with the list because she has never dumped a client and hasn’t even thought about it before. It could be that she doesn’t have anything to put on the list. Now, you can choose to dump her, but she doesn’t seem like she is dumping you after all you have been through together. I’m sure she does think about you outside of sessions sometimes, but she didn’t make the list because she doesn’t spend her time thinking about reasons to dump you. And you certainly aren’t just a paycheck, especially when she gives you a reduced fee and she could fill your spot with someone who pays her full fee. She really cares, she just has to show it in a therapisty way. Maybe ask her about why she didn’t make the list, but its probably because she doesn’t have anything to put on it.

    Reply
  • 31. Lloyd Rogers  |  May 30, 2015 at 12:42 am

    You wanted to know why you were dumped. You seemed to want to know what you did that crossed a line. Doesn’t matter what happened because as Foster parent, my hands are not only tied, behind my back, earplugs and a sack over my head. I so want to tell my foster child when they do something that may irritate me. But not allowed. I don’t mean yell and scream and scare the child. I mean, tell them it stinks up the house when they take a dump and don’t flush. Child services say child may never have been with anyone that told them to flush. So telling them to flush after use might make them have low self esteem, or try to remember what they have been through. So for the rest of the child’s life I can’t tell them or show them how and why to flush. House stinks, system backs up, costs lot’s of money, happens every couple of months. Now the foster parent has had to live in a stinky house and empty their savings because of the trauma it will cause if you try to explain why a child should flush a toilet. Any human being has a certain point where it is TOO MUCH STRESS. Before you lose your cool, child services moves in and takes child away from uncaring foster parent. So I ask you. Wouldn’t it have been better to tell you if something you did was probably not the right way something is done? Sure you feel hurt, embarrassed, etc. But the final result would be You now know and foster parent helps remind you if yo forget and do it again. No one is critically upset. You are not dumped because knew and corrected behavior that probably would have resulted in being dumped after six months of stinky stress.
    So yes, it is not the child’s fault. Because they were never given a chance to help cement their relationships with foster parents. If given permission to try to help child from sabotaging their future, I think there would be a drastic reduction in dumping. Give any child a chance to show that they are capable of learning, building self confidence, having questions answered properly and feeling the overwhelming sense of self worth when that foster parent tells you how well you did, or proud of you or never doubted you. No way in Hell would a human being with a brain want to dump that child. They would fight to hang on to them. And if for some stupid reason Child care services decides to move the child . Well then they will I hope know that , Yes, they did not do anything to deserve being handed over to some long lost Aunt. But hopefully I could explain why they are being “dumped” and it is not what I want or they deserve. But I was told not to traumatize the child by asking them to flush a stinky pile. After just so long, ANYONE will be so stressed out from the stink, expense, loss of friends or family visiting, that they will admit they can no longer deal with the situation and child is taken away.. and they child wants to know why they are leaving. After all no one said there was any problem. Now child thinks it was their fault. Now that is a literal crying shame. What if my hands were untied, the bag removed from my head and I could go back to that first day and explain why the toilet needed flushing and then showing how it is done. Then repeat as necessary until child does not feel embarrassed or having done any thing wrong. And knowing that child might be able to stay with you until they move on as an adult.

    Reply
    • 32. wendysmith193  |  May 30, 2015 at 1:42 am

      Of course you need to teach the child. Teaching and guidance is a normal part of good parenting. It’s how you teach them that will build or break their self esteem. No foster parent in their right mind will go along with what you described. Any foster parent feeling so powerless needs to give up – yesterday. You will be doing more harm than good.

      Reply
  • 33. ritalee8383  |  May 30, 2015 at 2:30 am

    LT I’ve called my kids by my dogs name at times. 🙂 Everyone slips up. People get tired, feel under pressure, might not feel good or just have brain farts. I think in my heart that you’ll make your way back to Dr. Val again. I’ve really been impressed by her over the years and I have to believe that she really cares about you deeply. It’s hard to find a good therapist. I understand why you are upset with her but hopefully as the days pass that will start to lift.

    Reply
  • 34. raisingagodlyboy  |  May 30, 2015 at 6:48 am

    Hi LT, I posted a message and lost it put in case there are two you’ll know why. I can’t even try to image what you must have gone through growing up but I can tell you that people are not perfect. But there is one who always be by your side not matter what and never leave or forsake you and that is Jesus Christ. I was lost for a long time until I asked him into my life and my life has never been the same. You have to forgive LT for yourself bitterness in your heart only hurts you. Please try it will be the best thing you will ever do and I promise you won’t regret it. Love in Christ, Cindy 🙂

    Reply
  • 35. sageplant  |  May 30, 2015 at 11:26 am

    Hi LT…were all just trying to make it through. do the best you can. Enjoy what you have…not what you dont have. Yep, kind of a rough statement…hope you cheer up a little…

    Reply
  • 36. bethanylest  |  May 30, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    LT, I hope you are ok. Lots of good advice here. I don’t think there is anything a child can do wrong to get constantly moved in foster care. The system does not do a good job preparing foster parents for children who experienced trauma. Many times they just drop off a child and share very little background. It’s not your fault, it is a system failure.

    Reply
  • 37. mv49496  |  June 1, 2015 at 4:05 pm

    LT:You have worth. Virtual hugs to you.Perhaps you can find a support group that is free to transition to?That said, paid therapy is something many people do for a large portion of their lives.I’m glad you have somewhere to go back to if you change your mind.Remember that Dr Val is a like everyone else on earth — a human being, sure, she is specially trained, but not perfect.Hoping you have a better day today.MV

    Date: Fri, 29 May 2015 01:10:28 +0000 To: mv_49496@hotmail.com

    Reply
  • 38. johnjstanton  |  June 11, 2015 at 1:31 am

    Hi LT,

    Dr Val is too much of a good therapist to give you an answer to your question. Any answer where she gave that included a list of fireable offenses is just not helpful. Would it be useful to you if she said that if you tried to kill her or someone else that would get you dropped?

    What do *you* think would make Dr. Val dump you? It might be helpful for you to make a list and then go over the things on the list.

    Guesswork: You think of Dr. Val as your foster mom. You relate to her like a child relates to her parent. Is it possible for you to think about her as a person rather than the concept of the nurturing parent you want?

    I am sure Dr. Val thinks about you quite a bit outside of session but coming up with a list of things that will get you dumped is not a good use of her time.

    Have you shown Dr. Val that you are making an effort to make progress in your therapy?

    Reply

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