being dumped and dumping
If you are a long-time reader of this blog, you know that I was “dumped” alot growing up. Dumped by severely abusive bio-parents, dumped by lots of foster homes, dumped by abusive boys on the streets, and dumped by crappy therapists.
While being dumped sucks, there is one thing that sucks more… never knowing why you were dumped. Let’s see, I know why I was “dumped”/abandoned by my bioparents and I know why I was dumped on the streets…let’s not cover these again, because I know why.
But foster parents….. foster parents……
…in most cases I have NO FUCKING clue why I was dumped. I can only assume it was because I was a bad kid and I did alot of bad things. But NO-ONE ever said “LT, stop drawing on the walls or you will be dumped.” “LT stop hoarding and hiding food or you will be dumped.” “LT, stop clogging the toilet with your t-shirt or you will be dumped.” With the exception of a couple of homes, I never knew anything….
…and I still don’t because in the state I grew up, my records are confidential under social service laws. I have no fucking idea why all those foster parents got rid of me. I was a white, skinny kid with blond hair and blue-eyes. I was “perfect” in all those traits that people look for when adopting. Alright, so I was a little older, but that can’t possibly account for all the foster homes that kicked me out.
So last week, I was talking to Dr. Val, my therapist of many years, and we were talking about how to make it easier for me to leave therapy. Apparently I have a hard time leaving and stay there until I am almost kicked out the dam door. While discussing my problems with “leaving,” somehow we got onto the topic of what could I do that would make Dr. Val dump me. It went like this….
LT: What would you dump me for?
DR VAL: I don’t think there is any reason I would dump you? Not in 30+ years have I dumped a client.
DR VAL: LT, I really can’t think of any reasons…but we can talk about this next time…
LT: Dr Val, think of a list — of the things that I shouldn’t do…
On my way out, she said she would think of a list…
Fast forward only TWO days…
DR VAL: What shall we talk about today?
LT: The list
DR VAL: The list in your hand?
LT: No, that’s money… your check. You know the list you were going to think about.
DR VAL: <Silent>
LT: You forgot
It was then I realized that Dr. Val didn’t think a dam thing about me when I walk out of her office.
DR VAL: mumble, mumble, mumble, etc….
I sat there staring at the door realizing how this really sucked. A person that was so important to me didn’t really give a rats ass… because that “LIST” would have helped me figure out how to behave so I don’t get dumped. That “LIST” would have given me clues about what I could do wrong… instead, I got a person who didn’t even think I was important enough to try something that would make me feel safe in the relationship …
LT: I wanna go and I want my stuff (she has a piece of my gun and some drawings)
DR VAL: mumble mumble mumble…
…..the fact that Dr Val forgot about the LIST or the fact that Dr Val is like a bank… drive through, deposit your money, and leave and the bank teller doesn’t give a rat’s ass who you are. Out the door and you are forgotten about…
I dumped Dr. Val.
I can’t do it anymore. My life is not getting better. I thought therapy could help…. but it’s just some superficial setting where everyone pretends there is a relationship for the small increments in time… just like in foster care!
She tried to get me to feel guilty by talking about how she was so available when Moonlight died…and I gave her credit for that…. but I still paid for every freaking minute. I don’t think it had anything to do with caring, but she did it because she was afraid I would kill myself and because I am a steady paycheck….
…. just like I was growing up in foster care.
By the way, this month is National Foster Care Awareness month. Be aware …
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