themes

June 15, 2015 at 8:41 pm 66 comments

.loser

I have been writing for years, but most of them were taken down when I went private, so you can’t read them.  But I can …and I spent the day reading years of blogs that I wrote.  Some years I wrote every day … hundreds of them. Those of you who have been reading for awhile would remember some… for example, several people recently asked if I was biking again… because I used to bike all over until I got hit by a car…. or some asked about my other dog…

What’s interesting is that there are some really strong themes that come across the blogs I write

1)  I want to be deadbridgeBtwnLife-n-death72rgb

There is no easier way to say this.  It makes people uncomfortable, but that is the truth.  I really do not find living all that enjoyable and in fact, I find it painful.  Take a sensitive person with a terrible past and you have a person teetering on the edge of life and death.  Really, I believe at this point that nothing can help me.

 

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2) I do not fit in

I find it difficult to make connections with people.  It’s hard to do when you have moved around most of your life….  This place that I live now, is that longest place I have ever stayed and I dont fit in here. The city is weird in that it attracts alot of people who grew up, left for college, and came back… so everyone fucking knows everyone.  I find it hard to connect as an outsider.. and it does not help that i am extremely introverted and somewhjmw-june17-newsltter-outcast-graphicat of a social-phobe.  I barely fit in at work…  I mostly listen because I feel like I have nothing of value to add.  I am an outcast, but full of thoughts and ideas that don’t come out when in the presence of others who I perceive as completely different then me. When I get nervous, think stuttering fool and you got me.

Imagine being on a planet and watching all these other beautiful planets filled with people floating around space, but you have no way of getting to those other planets… can you picture that?  That is what I feel like… stuck on my own planet without connection.

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3) FearScared_Child_at_Nighttime

Re-reading my blogs, I realized that I am fucking terrified of so much.  I know I am.  Do you know I make traps to put around my apartment? If I come back and a trap is sprung, I know someone is in or has been in my apartment.  I put traps in the doors and in the windows.  That’s kind of fucking crazy.  I fear life more than I fear death.

 

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4) Familyfamily_logo

I missed so much.  I still miss so much.  I know that having a family is out of the question, but that does not mean that the pain goes away.  Unless you are familyless, you can’t understand this.  I can’t explain it any better than by saying you feel lost, no connection to your past or present, you have no one to count on, no-one to ask for help, no-one to remember funny stories with…..no-one.

 

5) Lost and confusion

Alot of my blogs express feelings of being lost and of being confused…  about so many things… deep things and trivial things. Big life questions and everyday life living… I simply feel confused and lost. I space out so much that I can forget whole periods of time and have no idea what I have done.  Imagine how confusing that is… What did I have for breakfast? Can’t remember. What did I do at work? Can’t remember that either.  See what I mean?

 

6) Food issues

Well, tons54eb64efbef93_-_are-you-an-emotional-eater-mdn of my blogs had writings about food.  Most of them, revolve around me eating too much crap food (cheetos, donuts, reese peanut butter cups) or getting really drunk.  Clearly my food issues never have been healed from childhood, when I was starving at the bio-parents and hoarding and binging at the foster homes.  I do have to admit, some of the food behaviors I write about are quite hysterical, but so dam unhealthy.  Remember the blog I dedicated to candy or the blog where I overdosed on peanut butter cups, or the blog where I was so drunk, I fell down the stairs on my ass…. nice.  I don’t drink as much anymore…

7) Self-hatred

I hate myself period.  I struggle with trying to find one small thing I like about myself.  I call myself terrible names daily and despise everything that is me.  I have no idea how to fix this problem.  Once I told Dr. Val that I would like to suck my insides out and fill me with something else that wasnt so disgusting.  Her response was that I could not do that.  duh.  I dont even like my messy hair at this point.

 

8) Why do I continue?breathing

This is a good question that appears alot in my writing.  I think  it was because I had my pets, then I lost Harbor, then I lost Moonlight… now I am not so sure… Shadow is more like KC’s dog than mine…. it’s a long story and its all good.  I gave Dr. Val a piece of my gun because I had hope that she could help.   Now she wont give it back to me… but lets be real folks, I live in a very gun-friendly state.  In one minute, out in 10 minutes with any firearm you want.  I actually told my shrink, Dr. TC, that in one year I had to be fixed…. or that was it.  She told me I have lots of time… but I don’t.  Don’t you see, it is more painful living (#1 above) everyday than dying.  And no matter how hard I try to figure out how to fix me, I can’t figure it out.  It’s like electrical work… I can’t get it (remember that blog on those exploding lightbulbs)… I simply can’t get it… I used to think Dr Val could figure out how to fix me, but I am not so sure anymore.  I think she wonders too…

I wonder if any of these Themes change with time or if these Themes are stuck to me for life?

What Themes are in the writings of your life?  Hopefully better than mine…

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throwing away tokens help foster kids this weekend = it’s frosty time

66 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Laura  |  June 15, 2015 at 8:53 pm

    Did you just write this today??? I know the answer but I am worried if I say it you won’t even consider it. I would love it if you would email me. What do you have to lose??? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Please email me. I don’t even know your name. I am scared for you and very sad for you. I KNOW what the problem is. I really really do. I know what the solution is.

    Reply
    • 2. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 12:35 pm

      i don’t email people anymore. no offense, but i ran into alot of assholes through email.
      so its my policy now not to email at all.

      Reply
  • 3. manyofus1980  |  June 15, 2015 at 9:03 pm

    LT sending you a ton of love and support. My themes are mostly same as yours, minus the family one, but fear, food, feeling lost, wanting to die, etc etc, all feature on my blog. Being a survivor does really suck some times, mstly all the time. A year is not giving yourself very much time, fixing things takes a long time, dont rush it, you have all of us on the blog, KC, dr Val, your psychiatrist, all rooting for you. Stay strong LT, hugs!

    Reply
    • 4. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      it sucks, im sorry for you too.
      you stay strong too!
      peace.

      Reply
  • 5. annamain  |  June 15, 2015 at 9:06 pm

    I’m going to be really frank right now. Don’t read this if you’re not in the mood.

    Okay so I don’t subscribe to blogs usually, but I’ve subscribed to yours. I’ve commented before- I mostly stopped around the recent passing of your dog. I guess I didn’t want to read how awful that was going to be for you when she did actually pass.

    Anyway. I was a foster kid too. I might have mentioned that before. You get a ton of comments each post you make, so you might not have even noticed.

    I get it. I get it all. And I think you and I are sort of similar. I like to say I’m a quiet old lady in a 30 year old body, and it’s partially true in that I have old person hobbies and stuff. I’m not a total introvert, but then again I constantly rub people the wrong way so although I think folks are nice to me on the surface most people don’t ever really give a shit about asking me about me or show interest in me. So I listen a lot too. And many times in my past I’ve felt like death would be easier than going through the same motions every day.

    Then one day I said fuck it. The truth is, I’m too chicken shit to end my own life. You say you’re scared of stuff? Think of that! Think of the most painless possible way to off yourself. Don’t you ever think of what if you lived? What if you didn’t do it right? What if this is really the only shot you get in this life? I know you don’t know what you miss in that instance- I get that. No pain or anything. But then again you also deny yourself another day. Another day maybe to open your heart to another pet. Another day to maybe say fuck it, move across the country, and start life fresh. Start life still a social outcast, but a social outcast that collects cultivars of begonia and turns tree seedlings she finds in sidewalk cracks into bonsai trees. I get to see the monarchs migrate every year and I keep the nesting spot of the phoebes clean for them to use each spring.

    Most people do not like to be around me.You probably experience this maybe. Stuff you think is okay to talk about is way too not okay for most folks so you make people feel weird all the time. But at the same time you’re tired of people telling you how you need to live your life and some crap, like they know a damn thing. My father in law still insists I try rekindling relationships with my foster families and stuff, because he just doesn’t understand how a family can’t be close no matter what that family is. He thinks that the reason I don’t talk to these people anymore has to do with them not wanting to keep in touch with me. Which might be partially true, my foster families never really gave a shit about me. But he doesn’t get it.

    I hope you continue to get the help you need professionally. I also hope maybe someday saying fuck it will help you too in some capacity. At least to feel like life overall is worth living. Maybe living for something, and not a ton of people or friends or giving a shit about that crap because I don’t know why that matters to you. They can’t relate to you because you’ve seen some shit and done some things. Know what I mean? There’s no way they can get it. But there are folks out there that do.

    Reply
    • 6. onemorewithus  |  June 16, 2015 at 11:41 am

      Excellent comment!

      Reply
    • 7. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:01 pm

      i’ve read your comments and i remember that you were in foster care. why? because i remember all the ex-fosters that read my blog. most of the time i like to hear that they are doing better than me… that they made it.
      im not sure what to say. saying “fuck it” helped you. that’s great.
      but for me, when i say that, i just give up trying. you’re scared to kill yourself. i am not. i have been closer than most people multiple times, but i dont stop because of fear, i stopped because of my pets.
      you ask about living for something… i did… my pets. if you had read my stuff before, years ago about my dog, you would have seen that i did live for her. i worked extra jobs to pay her vet bills. i cooked for her everynight because she would not eat kibbles or dog food. she had a GI system disorder that most poeple would have put her down instead of deal with it…but she is gone now… so i dont know what i live for. a crappy job? my one friend and her family? the possibly of getting another pet but going through that pain again?
      you’re lucky you are scared to die because it removes that card from the table. im not saying lifes easier, just that the card is gone.

      and i understand that i have to make the changes, but i cant right now. i dont know why, but i cant. actually i think it has to do with self-hate but that is another topic. i mean its awesome that you said “fuck it” and changed your life. you did it. i have done things that changed things for me and they werent easy. i got off the streets, i moved here, i got an apartment, i got a job and have kept it for years…. somethings. but other things i just can’t make that step…not sure why.
      why do i care about all that other crap… i dont know. its something for me to think about. maybe because i never had it and i want to just be normal. but you are right, we can’t be…people can’t relate to us. my friend who i have hung out alot with cant get it, even though she tries. dr. val can’t get it, even though she tries. im not sure other foster kids could even get it as there is a big difference between states, between time spent, etc.
      why dont most people like to be around you? you got married, so some people totally like being around you, those are the ones that matter. thats family.
      thanks for your comment, i didnt take it wrong. you tried to kick me in the pants.

      Reply
  • 8. cella  |  June 15, 2015 at 9:08 pm

    Hi. Thanks for writing and posting your blog. You were SO honest, which I admire. I heard your feelings, you’re right, you are in so much pain. It must be really hard to face each day. But….life is not meant to be this way! It will NOT be this way always. Things will get better. This is not all there is! I would like to know a bit about you…what are you the most interested in? What would you love to do? Write again. I would like to get to know you.

    Reply
    • 9. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:05 pm

      hello. im not sure how to answer your questions, because honestly im not sure what i like to do or what i am interested in.
      im trying to figure these things out.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 10. bethanylest  |  June 15, 2015 at 9:24 pm

    LT, themes can change. I have been reading your blog for a couple of years and I have seen the changes in you. You are getting stronger and more mature. So don’t give up, life is a long time.

    Reply
    • 11. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      i hope you are right, because i hope mine change.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 12. Sam  |  June 15, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    Interesting. I’d have to think about your final question, but I do think themes change as you age, as you move, and as you experience different life events. Some themes get stronger as others fade away. Nothing is static LT.

    Reply
    • 13. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:06 pm

      thanks, i hope you are right. im waiting for my themes to change..
      peace.

      Reply
  • 14. crochetbycalla  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:00 pm

    Hi LT, I’ve read basically your whole blog and you know what? I think you missed a few themes. Determination is one big theme I see in your writing. You are so determined – how else could you have got yourself doctors and a job and a home after being on the streets? Another theme that comes across for me is playfulness. You love things the way kids do: Wendy’s, cheetos, candy, animals, and I think it’s pretty special that you can enjoy the little things in life even when you’re dealing with so much. You have so much love to give, LT. All that love you should have been able to give as a little kid, all of that is still there, and I think the people around you can see that. KC, Dr Val, your boss…these people care about you. Keep going LT. You’ve been so strong and you have so much insight into yourself – the fact that you’re rereading your old blogs and reflecting is proof of that.

    Reply
    • 15. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:09 pm

      thanks for your nice comment.
      perhaps i am clouded by my mood, because what you wrote it true.
      its interesting that you got those themes from reading my writing.
      thanks for the positive response.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 16. momma2abby  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:02 pm

    Hmmm…I’ve seen themes too. I’ve seen persistence. I’ve seen you persist at taking care of your dog. I’ve seen you persist at personal relationships even though it is hard for you to relax into them. I’ve seen you persist towards good health. I’ve seen analysis. I’ve seen a ton of creativity put towards explaining your world to others. I’ve seen you being willing to be a beginner at life events that were scary and awkward for you.

    Reply
    • 17. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:11 pm

      hi. thanks for your nice comment.
      you have been reading for along time, so you probably know “me” better than most.
      you know, if i were to think about my parts, they have themes too. i mean they were created for a reason, but they each have a theme i can associate with them.
      i hope things are well with your daughter.
      thanks again,
      peace

      Reply
  • 18. silentlistener2510  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    Hi Lt,

    I wasn’t a foster kid, but I sympathise with many themes especially family and wandering around in confusion.
    Wanting to die sometimes too or rather just not wake up you know?
    Some moments can e really good.
    Whati f you didn’t need fixing but could find a new path with DR. Val?

    Thinking of you

    Reply
    • 19. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:13 pm

      hi. i am sorry you feel many of the same themes i do.
      i totally get not waking up.
      i think parts of me need fixing. although you are right, dr val does not use that word.
      maybe altered is better than fixing.
      hang in there.
      peace.

      Reply
      • 20. silentlistener2510  |  June 17, 2015 at 12:05 am

        I think parts need to come to new understandings this is not synonymous with fixing thank you for your kind message hang in there

        Reply
  • 21. Lana  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    Do you have a relationship with Jesus? I am praying for His peace for you.

    Reply
    • 22. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:15 pm

      no i don’t. i do not have a problem with organized religion, but unforunately for me, it makes me feel worse about myself.
      i believe there is a difference between religion and spirituality.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 23. helen hewett  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:11 pm

    LT are you interested in reading books?

    Reply
    • 24. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:17 pm

      i like to read kids books. i have a learning disorder that believe it or not, makes it hard for me to read.
      i do have a library card though and they do know i goto the kids books/young adults more than other sections of the library.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 25. 2sweetcats  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:39 pm

    Hey LT,

    Y’know, when you mentioned themes in your blogging, the first things that came to my mind were:

    1) Advocating for others, especially the vulnerable. Standing up for foster kids, giving information, intelligence and solutions to people in foster children’s lives.

    2) Education. The lists of DO’s and DON’Ts for foster moms and foster dads. How to nurture those relationships. All the little things, like the containers for food, so kids can keep food and feel safe, the importance of your own comforter and pillowcases.

    3) Creativity. I am continually amazed at how creative you are. In practical things, like figuring out how to navigate so many different systems on your own, with no help. Like getting the drivers license. And in artistic things, like your poetry and descriptive writing. Your symbolization of the color green. Your dancing.

    Your blog is such a huge gift. I appreciate you sharing it and I wish you peace.

    (((LT)))

    Reply
    • 26. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:19 pm

      thank you for a very nice note. you must have been reading for along time if you know about the dancing. LOL
      i appreciate you pointing out some of the positive themes in my life, because my view is clouded by my mood.
      thank you for this comment,
      peace.

      Reply
  • 27. helen hewett  |  June 15, 2015 at 10:46 pm

    L.T. have you thought of writing a book putting your thoughts together?

    Reply
    • 28. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:20 pm

      um. not really because i dont write for money.
      honestly i just write hoping that some of it helps people.
      and it helps me too at times.
      thanks for asking though
      peace

      Reply
  • 29. Foster Mom in Training  |  June 15, 2015 at 11:58 pm

    I think we all have themes to our lives. Mine have changed and evolved over time. I thought I would become a journalist who would travel the world, never marry, and never have kids. Now, I’m a teacher, foster parent, married, adopted two kids, and fostering another. Thankfully, we change over time. Life changes for us. I know the themes you are dealing with are really tough. I truly believe they will evolve and change as you grow. Look at how far you have already come. I see change in you through your blog. I see the will to live and fight in you. I see the desire to help others in similar situations. Do you think you are ready to start advocating for kids in care in person? Perhaps you could connect with others who have aged out of foster care. Perhaps those are the people who would most understand how you feel. Perhaps you could find support from those who have adjusted to life off of the streets and out of Foster care. These are just a few ideas. You have so much to give and are capable of so much. I don’t think you are ready to give up. You are a fighter and survivor, LT. I know dying seems like the easier answer, but it’s just not who you are. I adore and admire who you are, who you have become. I predict great things for you yet, LT. Never give up! (((Hugs)))

    Reply
    • 30. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:24 pm

      hi FMIT,
      thank you for your nice note. thanks for sharing how your themes have changed over time, as it gives me hope.
      thanks for saying that you see changes in my writing, because i know you have been reading for a long time…so you remember it back when.
      you know, right now i am still really depressed. it sounds crazy, but i really miss Moonlight. i am trying to figure out what to do with my life and it seems like it is a blank canvas with so many options. dr. val does not think it is good to make major decisions while i am still depressed. i get that, so right now i am cruising working on missing my dog. who knows what is down the road though…
      thanks again for your really helpful note,
      peace

      Reply
      • 31. Foster Mom in Training  |  June 17, 2015 at 11:53 am

        LT,

        There is beauty in a blank canvas. You really can choose to do anything. I agree that you shouldn’t make major decisions right now. Take baby steps. Baby steps are best for everyone. Change is scary for everyone. It’s okay to morn Moonlight. You will never forget her. Be gentle to yourself.

        I didn’t even become a teacher until I was 32. It’s tough for a lot of people to figure out what to do with life. Take your time. I’m proud of the evolution I’ve witnessed, through your writings, over the past 4+ years. You really are growing, changing, and becoming your own woman. 😄 I look forward to your continued evolution. (((Hugs))) I really wish I could give you a real hug. 🐾

        Reply
  • 32. Lucy  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:13 am

    I just recently found your blog for the first time and I wish I’d been able to read your old posts. As an insecure person myself, I know how easy it is to ignore compliments and to assume that when people praise you they don’t really mean it, they don’t really know what they’re talking about, etc. But I hope you’ll believe my words when I say that I think you are an amazing person…you are a very gifted writer and your honesty is truly unique. A “theme” for your blog could also be compassion: your advocacy for other foster kids is doing far more good in this world than you will probably know. Foster parents NEED your perspective and your blog. Thank you for writing and for being vulnerable and sharing yourself with the world.

    Reply
    • 33. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:29 pm

      hi. thank you for your very kind comment.
      sometimes i think of putting the blogs back up, but i also think i took them down for a reason. honesty flowed pretty heavy in some of them and when i look at them, they seemed so private. i used to write everyday so it was a journal of my life.
      thanks for saying that about foster parents. i often wonder how many think its crap, but my philosophy is that it is different.
      im sorry you know what it feels like to be insecure — its hard to hear anything positive and harder to believe its true!
      thank you very much for writing,
      peace.

      Reply
  • 34. rootbeer23  |  June 16, 2015 at 3:18 am

    LT,

    I see themes we have in common. I’m a former foster — 46 years old now —

    #2, #2, #2!!!! #2 is painted all over my life. I’m guilty of self-isolation. Yet even though I know what the steps are — get out, participate in activities, hobbies, etc & allow people room to enter my life — I just can’t do them. I can’t do one.

    I am concerned about your post & I have a couple of ideas I’d like to share.

    Your #1 is just not a good choice. There is no recovery from death. Life is fluid. Ups & downs flow.

    #8 — Why do you continue?

    I suggest that you contact & go to your local animal shelter. Think about it — those animals are us in animal form. They’ve been abandoned, discarded, neglected & abused. I’ve heard that a good volunteer activity is spending a little time with animals at the shelter who are waiting to be adopted. A few minutes of kindness & attention, a break from their time stuck in a cage surely would be in the “Good Times” column versus the “Bad Times” that they’ve had plenty of.

    Something like that would be so good for both you & the animal. It would get you involved with animals again, doing positive work for them & a side-effect of that would surely be boosts in self-esteem, value & love.

    I’d be irresponsible if I didn’t pass on the contact information for the
    National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
    1-800-273-8255 24/7

    Please don’t make yourself another statistic.

    p

    Reply
    • 35. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:36 pm

      hi former foster…
      thanks for your note. one thing i want to start by saying is that i write about suicide and death alot. its part of my existence. if i were to do it, i would not be writing… so its actually a good thing that it is expressed in writing.

      #2 – totally. its so hard to feel like we fit it. even if i participate in something, i still don’t feel like i fit in. it’s almost like something that is in the core of who we are. it sucks. i hope it gets better for you.
      i have thought about volunteering at a animal shelter, but honestly right now, i can’t. i miss my dog terribly. when i see her dog friends, i sob. i just need some time. i am also supposed to be thinking about what i want to do with my life… although dr. val does not believe in making big decisions when someone is depressed.
      thanks for your very nice note.
      i hope #2 gets better for you
      peace

      Reply
  • 36. truegritton  |  June 16, 2015 at 6:28 am

    LT,
    It seems to me I read in one of your blogs, that you have a sibling. Maybe you could ask Dr. Val if she could help you locate that sibling. Maybe they are feeling disconnected like you. Maybe you need each other. Just a thought ~
    Kathy

    Reply
    • 37. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:38 pm

      i do. the last time i saw him was on the streets. it did not go well.
      its a hard thing…
      peace

      Reply
  • 38. s00147954  |  June 16, 2015 at 7:56 am

    LT I really liked this post.

    What made you look at all your old entries if you don’t mind my asking? I’m a nurse and I find that people want to improve themselves, but often have trouble looking inwards and learning from their past. Sorry to sound “psychologist-y”, but it sounds like by looking back through all your old entries, it seems like you’re trying to look at your past and work out where to go from here?

    I don’t know what will help you – myself and others would love to be able to do more to help but I know you like to stay anonymous and that’s totally a good thing. I hope you can eventually get to a better place – I know your past will always be a part of you but maybe one day if you keep going the way you’re going, something will give and you’ll feel a little more at peace with yourself.

    Thinking of you always LT

    Reply
    • 39. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:49 pm

      hello. thanks for not hating this post… i think many did.
      i like nurses… much better than doctors. you have a hard job!
      i have been spending alot of time thinking about what to do with my life. i think looking at those old blogs was like reading my journal. there were some years i wrote everyday, and sometimes i poured my heart and soul into what i wrote. some were very emotional and totally private. i cant believe i wrote them! i dont think i was looking for an answer, but was looking to see if i had grown… to see if my feelings are still at the level they were 6 years ago. sometimes it is hard to judge, because different parts write at times, but i wanted to see if overall my feelings matured.
      i was also reading all the posts about my dog, of which there were many…those helped me process her being gone.
      thanks for offering to help. i dont take things, i just write and it keeps it cleaner. although cookies sound good sometimes 🙂
      peace.

      Reply
  • 40. Jen  |  June 16, 2015 at 8:38 am

    I’m fairly new to your blog and I’ve commented a couple times. I really enjoy your writing and I find it extremely insightful, especially since I have two family members living with me temporarily until their mother can be a mother again.

    I want to point out how healthy I think it is that you have re-read your old blogs and picked up on the themes. You talk about not fitting in where you live. Is there something keeping you there? Have you fantasized about moving to another city, state or country? Seize the opportunity now, if you have that desire — start over and find yourself. In a larger city, you have a much better chance at finding people that you connect with. Also, I think you could enjoy life more if you found your purpose. I think your writing is your purpose. You should seriously consider trying to get published. Your writing is fantastic and intriguing, not to mention helpful to so many who read it.

    Your life has so much value and it really sucks that your family didn’t have the capacity to be there for you. I don’t have much of a relationship with my own family and it has taken me a while to realize that it has nothing to do with me, it is a reflection of the problems with them…mental illness, selfishness or whatever the case may be. It is still hard but I’ve found my purpose and that’s what keeps me going. Peace.

    Reply
    • 41. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 1:58 pm

      hi. thanks for your nice comment. thanks for stepping up to take care of your family members so they did not get lost in the system.
      the only thing keeping me here is that for the first time, i dont have to move around… if that makes any sense. for the first time, i have a job that i have managed to keep, i have an apartment that is good, i have one friend… i know it doesnt sound like alot, but its more than i have had most of my life. i live in a big city – LOL – it just seems small. i dont do much to help myself…like i should do some activities or something to meet new people, but right now i cant do it.
      i am in the process of trying to think about my life… and what my purpose is. i dont know about writing. i always have stated that i write to help people, not make anything off it. when i first started, lots of people wanted me to put a paypal, etc on my blog, but for me its about hoping it helps people who need it. those people who are searching the internet at night to figure out how to deal with their new foster child, etc. just writing for the sake of writing and no pressure about what it is supposed to be, etc. you know?
      im sorry you do not have a relationship with your family, but you sound like you have a good understanding that its not about you. its hard…
      i appreciate you saying that writing is my purpose. i take that as a compliment.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 42. s00147954  |  June 16, 2015 at 8:41 am

    P.S I don’t know if this would be something you would be interested in seeing or not, but have you heard of ‘removed’? It’s a short movie about a girl and her brother who go into foster care. It’s a little confronting but i think it’s pretty realistic. Its in 2 parts –

    Reply
  • 43. jpirog2013  |  June 16, 2015 at 10:25 am

    LT, I remember reading those blogs before you took them down. I remember they were compelling must-reads. After I stumbled on them, I couldn’t stop reading till I had read everything. The reasons I say this are twofold:

    1: You’re clearly a talented writer. I don’t mean in terms of grammar but in terms of telling your story. Think about what you could do in life that might utilize that skill in relationship to other things.

    2. Consider self-publishing (like on Amazon) the story of your life as told by those blogs. No need to sanitize, etc. It would be a compelling read.

    Reply
    • 44. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 2:02 pm

      hi. thanks for your very nice note. i know you have been around awhile… i sometimes think of putting those blogs back up, but some of them were so private and emotional, i am surprised i put them up. but maybe that is what people liked who kept reading.
      i am in the process of trying to figure out what to do with my life. losing my dog really threw me into a loop, but it also made me assess “my life.” i think about writing, but heck, i am not a trained/educated write… i just write and i dont know if any jobs permit that. i am on the verge of some big changes, just not sure what they are. dr val suggests not making big decisions when depressed… so we will see.
      thanks again for your great comment.
      peace.

      Reply
      • 45. jpirog2013  |  June 17, 2015 at 11:56 pm

        Hi, FWIW, you don’t need to be trained/educated to write. Some possibilities if you like the writing:
        – take a creative writing class at a junior college or continuing education type course. You write great when it comes to the story of your life. A class like that (with other topics) would help you see if you like writing in general and if you were good at it with other topics. I am betting you would like it and be good at it based on what I’ve read.

        – try writing a short story, either about your life or fiction, and submit it to some magazines. Be prepared for a lot of rejection because many people like to write. But just doing it might be good and fun too.

        – I still like the idea of a book but that would be a pretty big undertaking. Anyway, just some thoughts. Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

        Reply
  • 46. onemorewithus  |  June 16, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    LT,
    Like some people here, I too remember posts where you came across very confident and funny, sometimes showing remarkable perseverance.
    Your theme will change from time to time because you are confirming to your ever changing life, which is normal. But since you had a truly horrific childhood, your themes will surround the tough subjects you have to face on a daily basis.
    Someone here said something I liked. What if each day is a new opportunity to gain instead of loose? What if the next page holds the best chapter yet?
    I’m glad you give yourself that chance every time you choose to press on.
    And, my dear friend, you do have us. We love you here and stand with you.
    Thank you for letting us be part of your life, sharing without us all your themes 😊

    Reply
    • 47. onemorewithus  |  June 16, 2015 at 12:08 pm

      Sorry for the autocorrect! “sharing WITH us…” 😉

      Reply
    • 48. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 2:07 pm

      hi. i just hope that someday those themes are overpowered by other themes that are more positive.
      it would be nice if there was a balance. although right now things my view may be clouded by my mood, which is not great.
      im still waiting for the next page to hold the best chapter… that’s for sure.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 49. Jessie  |  June 16, 2015 at 12:28 pm

    I am a newer reader so I never got to read those old blogs. Have you thought of reposting them? Your writing has helped many people involved with foster care.
    I do want to tell you that themes do change over time. The lenses through which you see things also change. I am 52 and the dominant themes that made up my life when I was in my 20s are very different than the themes that make up my life now. There are so many factors that contribute to themes, that they can’t stay the same forever. Themes grow as we grow. Hang in there, they will change. Oh yeah, I like the suggestion of writing a book, have you considered it?

    Reply
    • 50. LooneyTunes  |  June 16, 2015 at 2:09 pm

      hi. thanks for reading. i am not sure about reposting the blogs. some of them were incredibly private and i am surprised i even published them to begin with. its something i will think about though.
      thanks for telling me that themes change over time…i needed to hear that.
      i write just to write and hope it helps some people. im not interested in getting $$ for it. i just hope it helps someone.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 51. ritalee8383  |  June 16, 2015 at 8:24 pm

    I wish I had something to say to turn your life around but I don’t. So I won’t even try. I’m sorry that you have suffered so much in your life. I’m sorry about the deep down to the bone psychological pain that is a such an integral part of you. I’m sorry that your sorrows have steered the course of your life and that the only relief you see is to simply not exist anymore.

    I wish so much for you. I wish you love & happiness. I wish you healing and good times. I wish you peace.

    Reply
  • 52. Shoshana  |  June 16, 2015 at 11:15 pm

    Hi LT,
    I found your blog years ago and read everything on it that I could. I am amazed at how much more self-aware and all-around mature you are now than before.
    You are sad now and that clouds everything. I wasn’t a foster kid, I have a family, but when my cat died when I was in my late twenties, the cat I had had since I was eleven, I didn’t want to look at another cat for a about a year. They all seemed both so much like her and so completely different. She was old when she died and her body was failing bit by bit so it was time but still…it was hard. Now, I only think of the fun I had with her – she was rather wild until she got pretty old. So, in time I think the older happy memories can take over from the too-hard present.

    Be strong. Many of us are trying to figure out what to do with our lives. Knowing that we should have a reason to live is what makes us people.

    Be well,

    Shoshana

    Reply
  • 53. Linka  |  June 17, 2015 at 12:54 am

    Hi LT, As one of your loyal crew, perhaps not as long as some, I too have seen your growth…and it is wonderful to behold…I wanted to respond tonight to several things, and ask you a couple of questions…have you ever considered writing a book, and instead of taking the profits donate them to a cause you find worthy? Maybe your local animal shelter, in tribute to H arbor and Moonlight? Or to a local foster care agency to.get suitcases and such for foster kids? Or send foster kids to camp, or buy them a musical instrument so they could be in band…I’m sure you get the idea…
    My second question is have you ever heard of Foster Care Alumni of America? You share some themes with many of the members…it might be a group you could feel that you fit in with…people who get it and are fighting the same or similar battles…there are chapters all over the country…the organization is a voice for kids in care…they lobby to change the laws surrounding foster care…the Ohio chapters sponsor yearly Thanksgiving dinners for ex-foster kids all over the state…they work with foster kid youth advisory groups (made up of kids in care)…I don’t know what groups in other states do, but I am sure it is similar stuff. ..you are in my thoughts and my (unorganized religion) prayers every day…blessings!

    Reply
  • 54. Sianski  |  June 18, 2015 at 9:16 am

    Hey LT,

    I am a therapist, in Australia, and I work with children in out of home care. My service is very much geared towards offering a voice for the child as it is so often lost. My long story short is, my partner & I have just been accredited as foster carers so we can bring home one of the adolescent girls I work with who is currently in a group home. My position is unusual and I’ve had to fight against the judgement of my colleagues to make this possible, and I never anticipated this when I started doing this work, but I have fallen in love with this child (in the parental sense) & feel I would regret it forever if I left her to the group home system. I stumbled on your blog through doing random searches, which brings me to my point.

    I have many years of university, excellent training, good instincts, a large dose of compassion & empathy, as well as years of experience in this field. And your humble blog (& I haven’t read your old stuff, just what is available now) has so profoundly impacted how I think about the kids I work with, my role and what we need to do to be the very best parents we can be to our new arrival, that I don’t remember what I thought before I found you. There is such value in your representation of the child in the system, especially given how insightful, mature and wise your blog is. Please know that your writing has changed lives: mine, my partners’, my bio kids &, most importantly, our foster child who deserves every opportunity life can offer her. Never underestimate how valuable you and your contribution is.

    I’m sure if I met you, I’d want to take you home too. You seem like an amazing young woman.

    PS: why do kids stuff things like undies/socks/sand etc into toilets? You’ve alluded to it, but it must be in the blogs which are private now.

    Reply
    • 55. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 10:15 am

      hi. thanks you for your kind note. thank you for the work you do and for being willing to bring home an older girl living in a group home.
      i wish there were more people who would take a chance with older children.

      thank you for you kind words about my blog. many of the old writings were much of the same, but alot more personal writing about my feelings, my fears, my life, etc. it was like a journal for me almost. the ones i left up were universal posts that could hopefully help people.

      why do kids stuff things in the toilets?
      i did it because i was angry and did not know how to deal with my feelings. but i knew flooding the bathroom/hallway/stairs, etc would get the foster parents mad at me and then i would get what i was used to and what “parents” had done to me before when i was bad, like hit me, lock my in a room, send me back. of course, as a kid, i didn’t know why i was doing it, i just did it. i know why now, but back then i was just angry and scared.

      good luck with fostering.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 56. sjjnks  |  June 18, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Hey, LT…haven’t commented in a while, but have been reading every word you write as soon as I see it. Been doing that for years…since the old blog days.

    And I had a question for you:

    When you re-read all your old blogs, did you happen to read the old comments?

    Cuz if you did, I think you’d have picked up on another theme: That there’s a whole crap-ton of people who care about you and adore you and….dare I say it?….LOVE you. Please don’t forget that theme.

    And I know it’s hard to accept because…how could they “love” you? How could they care for you? They don’t even know you!

    But that’s BS. That’s a lie you’re telling yourself. If you’re being honest in your blogs–and I believe that you are–then your readers know you better than you think.

    I have co-workers that I’ve worked with for 20 years. I have a fishing buddy and we spend a lot of time together and I consider a friend. But I know less about him or my co-workers than I do about you. I don’t know all the minutia of their lives like what their favorite snack foods are, or the names of their pets and whatnot. And I SURE don’t know the deepest insides of them….like what they’re afraid of. What they struggle with. If they ever feel lonely. Or suicidal.

    Maybe that makes me a pretty shitty friend. But in my experience, there’s a TON of people (regardless of their upbringing) who struggle with a lot of the same things….fitting in, feeling alone, depression. And nobody knows because they don’t think anybody cares.

    But you’ve put all your stuff out there for people to read and it’s true, there have been the internet ass-hole trolls and stuff that you’ve had to deal with too.

    But more than that….WAY outnumbering those….has been a faithful bunch of FRIENDS who, if you asked them, would say they know you and, despite your failings and shortcomings, they still care about you and think about you and yes….even love you.

    That’s a theme worth holding onto. I pray you do.

    peace.

    Reply
    • 57. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 10:06 am

      hi. thanks for your note. i did read the comments when i re-read my blogs.
      i spent the whole day reading…
      at first when i read your note I got nervous, thinking that as you said people really know me.
      but then i realized, they know the inner workings of me, as much as possible and you are correct, many people relate to that.
      people may not be depressed for the same reason, but anyone battling depression can relate.
      people may not be suicidal for the same reason, but anyone trying to stay alive can relate.
      and maybe i put it out there both for others and for me.
      i dont wish my feelings and experience on anyone, but i realize there are tons of people with similar feelings, some who are afraid to state them.

      i have always been thankful for the readers i have. i used to write poems about them, when i was capable of keeping the blog going everyday.
      i do appreciate them because i have learned so much from the blog crew as they have learned from me. some practical things and some emotional things.
      and i greatly appreciate comments because they often are supportative but also give me things to think about.
      i feel honored that i have a blog crew… and i don’t forget that.
      thanks for your note
      peace

      Reply
  • 58. mv49496  |  June 18, 2015 at 1:41 pm

    LT:
    I love the image u shared that says “I’m breathing and trust me that’s a huge accomplishment”I agree.It is hard to walk this life in pain and I commend you for hanging in there and sharing of yourself to increase awareness for kids without families.You asked about themes of my writing. (at nothisplace ) I would say they are:
    1. identity – I was extremely self destructive as a teenager which grew out of feeling misunderstood/having low self-esteem/wanting acceptance. I slept around, engaged in risky behavior, and binge drank. When I was 21, my life changed. You can view my story here . Now my life is not perfect, but I have a confident secure identity in Christ and if some people don’t like me or will always remember me as who I used to be, I’m ok with that. God knows who I really am.
    2. family – my life revolves around my nuclear family — my husband and my sons and select extended family members. I have limited contact with some extended family members to stay sane. (addictions/unhealthy dysfunction)
    3. giving – I love fundraising for needs. some projects I have going on currently: a thrift store on facebook to provide $2 clothes for local families while raising money for a downtown youth program and orphanege in Africa. I have recently got into Kiva.org lending and shipping clothes packages to teens in need (last one went to a 14 year old girl in Portugal)
    4. writing – I am a novelist and blogger and find writing cathartic.
    5. loving life – there have been many challenges throughout my life (poverty, teen pregnancy, addiction, self-loathing, etc) but God has used my hurts to enable me to relate to hurting people and my contentment is from feeling the big picture purpose of life. I love watching videos on minimalism and eternity to remind me of what’s important. This one by Francis Chan is my all-time favorite.
    Thanks for blogging!Hope you have a great day.
    MV

    Date: Tue, 16 Jun 2015 00:41:31 +0000
    To: mv_49496@hotmail.com

    Reply
    • 59. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 9:53 am

      Wow, your themes seem really positive. they are beautiful. you are doing alot to help people!
      it helps me to see that there are people with positive themes that had issues when they were younger.
      gives me hope that i might get some positive themes someday.
      thanks for your note
      peace

      Reply
  • 60. butterflysblog  |  June 18, 2015 at 7:37 pm

    Hi Sweet LT. I think one of the themes might also be Resilience. Warrior. Protector. Love, Butterfly

    Reply
    • 61. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 9:49 am

      hi butterfly-
      everytime i see your response, i smile.
      last time you wrote that you gained a good sister, when you lost your husband. and you seemed happy. see i remember that!
      i hope everything is going ok with you.
      peace, butterfly.

      Reply
  • 62. instantkarma85  |  June 18, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    Lt, I really appreciate your blog for so many reasons. I am a foster parent and waiting to hopefully adopt a 12 yr old girl from foster care, nothing can stop me at this point but the state saying we aren’t a good match. I won’t give up on her no matter what. I appreciate that your input has made me even more conscious of how sensitive I need to be, though at times I have thought my fatal flaw was I was too empathic to others, you have taught me that it’s a gift I can use to the benefit of others, and am able to help other children the way you should have been helped. I am so grateful to you. Also, I’m grateful to you because you write the way I’m not brave enough to. You think things and write things about yourself that i have thought and felt for years as well. I know that I didnt have as difficult and heartbreaking a childhood as you, I have blocked out most of my childhood, so I honestly dont remember most of it, only that I was abused, but I’m often surprised at how much I relate to those feelings, the self-loathing, feeling separate from others, eating habits, the fear…
    I always used to booby trap my home, it would be better when I had a dog or roommate, but when i was alone or with someone i didnt trust, it would be the only thing that could set my mind at ease enough to fall asleep… jar of marbles at the door, bottle on the doorknob, magnetic alarms/bells on windows… it was out of control. I still make my husband get up and double check if he set all the locks on our door.
    Even though I have children I love more than life itself, and wish i never had to fall asleep so I could not miss a moment of them, and a husband that I love more than I thought I could, and winder daily what the hell he sees in me, I feel alone. all the time. I feel like people dont like me at all. like they are just acting and laughing behind my back. I feel embarrassed to even be out in public, because I wonder what horrible things people are thinking of me. I’m crying as I type this because the pain is so real but its so hard to own it. Because Ive had body dysmorphic disorder since I can remember, I’ve had eating disorders to accompany it, and all of them, in a terrible cycle of self-deprivation followed by a feeling of wanting to give up….. anorexia was the start… then i would get so hungry i would eat everything I could, then everything I put in my mouth made me feel so filthy i had to reject it from me and would purge, I was disgusted that I couldn’t “stick to my regimen” … of eating nothing… so I could look like those perfect skinny girls… at 9 years old. The cycle has come and gone in my life, but has never gone away. it has caused my metabolism to plummet t nothing, and I am heavier than I ever have been, which only creates more self-loathing, creating the desire to not eat, which makes me shame myself into not eating, which makes me starve and crave, which makes me binge, which makes me purge, which makes me give up and over-eat and start all over again. I cant believe how horrible I feel about me. its so painful to walk around everyday and pretend I dont. I feel like i dont deserve to eat, only the beautiful people do. I used to cut myself as a punishment as well, but it’s been a while since I did that, mostly because I don’t want to wear my crazy on the outside so much anymore, and I’m afraid of my children being affected by it. I feel like people are always looking at me and finding that I’m not enough… or too much in other circumstances… I feel like Im just a joke.
    I don’t know why I’m saying all this, I’m hoping it helps in some weird way… maybe you’ll know that even someone who has a family they love and is seemingly happy is a fucked up mess inside too… or maybe you’ll find out you’re not alone at the very least. you’re not. Iknow how you are feeling, and it seriously sucks. Im so sorry that you feel this way too. I wish I knew why I did, I wonder if im just a depressed type of person or I have some shit that s seriously wrong with me i dont know about, which is likely, but my hope is that I find someone like you, in the world away from computers, and maybe we can talk and help each other, and support each other as friends, because thats what will help, not just therapy, or the best kids and husband in the world, or work friends that think they know you but have no idea what pain you carry…. a real friend . that you can say all this to and not feel judged. I hope we both find that, LT. Please stay strong for me.

    Reply
    • 63. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 9:47 am

      hi. i am sorry that can you relate to the things i write about. sorry because no-one should have to feel that way.
      i don’t think you are a joke or a dissapointment to your family. if you are willing to fight for a 12 year old foster child, that is something amazing.
      maybe you block out your childhood for a reason? that perhaps started all the negativity regarding how you feel about yourself.
      do you have a therapist? sometimes i am not sure what therapy can do, but part of me believes it can help.
      i hope you can find some joy in life. im trying too.
      peace

      Reply
  • 64. cmc  |  June 21, 2015 at 2:19 am

    I’ve been lurking for a while (years now, tbh) I started reading when I was looking into fostering to see if it was right for me and was completely drawn in by you’re writing. I don’t think you give yourself enough credit for how charismatic you are.

    My themes from when I was a kid up to my early 20’s were definitely darker than they are now. Abuse and rape, illness, self loathing, fear, wanting to die.
    But over the last year I’ve made some pretty big changes and for the first time in my entire life I’m happy. Don’t get me wrong, things aren’t perfect- I still struggle with anxiety but I’m also really excited about the future. I know our lives have been so different and that I’ll never understand what you’ve been through but I genuinely believe you can be happy too.

    I think the first thing you need to work on is #7, the rest will all fall into place once you stop hating yourself. You fight so hard for kids in foster care, and teach us how to be there for them, why can’t you find a little love for a girl who never got to find her home? Is she really so unworthy? Would you ever say the things you say to the mirror to anyone else who’s been through the hell you have?
    Please try to treat yourself with the same kindness and empathy you treat others with, because you’re worth so much more than you think you are, and I really hope you see that soon.

    I know Dr. Val says not to make big decisions while you’re depressed but when was the last time you weren’t depressed? I was constantly suicidal from the ages of 12 to 22, what was I supposed to for those 10 years? Tell the world to stop until I was emotionally healthy enough to start making decisions?
    Plus a lot of the decisions I’ve made have played a role in pulling me out of my depression, I broke off an engagement to a man that abused me, I changed my major to something completely unrelated even though it means I’m in school for an extra 3 years, and I chose to have major surgery that gave me my health back even though my doctor said I could try another medication first.
    These were all huge decisions that I had to make while in my lowest points and it was the action of making change that allowed me to gain momentum and find the excitement I never knew life could have.
    (Obviously don’t decide to kill yourself, or anything else that permanent but inaction does not help get rid of self loathing or depression.)

    I know that was long, and kind of late compared to when you posted it but oh well, if you read this you read it, if not, I’ll just have to say it again then next time it becomes relevant.

    Reply
    • 65. LooneyTunes  |  June 21, 2015 at 9:33 am

      Thank you for you note and sharing your themes and experiences.
      You are right in saying that there has not been a time in my life that i have not been depressed for as long as i can remember.
      that is a true statement, although most people can’t understand that someoone could be depressed for years.
      i wish i could remember when i felt truely happy. even pysch meds have not really helped
      i am glad that you are looking ahead to the future. i wish i could do that.
      when i try to do that, it just seems so dismal, so i just try to focus on the day.

      i think you are right about hating myself and that nothing will change until i change that.
      im not sure how though. its hard to be kind or empathetic to myself, easier to be so to others.

      thanks for your note and for reading my blog.
      you have given me some things to think about.
      peace.

      Reply
  • 66. sofar2go  |  January 14, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    When I read this, the first thing I thought was about the underlying positive themes you don’t see. Others have commented on this as well. I saw…resilience, compassion, intelligence, self-reflection, and activism. I also thought I’d pass on a writing idea. Someone mentioned submitting articles to magazines, which I think is a great idea. I’ve tried it too as a way to cope with some depression, and even though I didn’t get published, it occupied my mind and made me proud of the stories I wrote. I submitted to children’s magazines, which I think would be a great fit for you!

    http://www.cricketmedia.com/spider-submission-guidelines/

    Reply

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COPYRIGHT NOTICE

This blog is copyrighted.
I know that means you can't take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do -- take someone's thoughts -- so don't do it!

I am happy if you want to use my writing to help those involved in the foster care system, but please, leave a comment asking if it is ok and letting me know.

Peace.

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