Remember in my last blog, I said that Dr. Val does not think it is a good idea to make major decisions when someone is depressed. Well, one of my readers responded, disagreeing with Dr. Val and basically asking me when was the last time I was NOT depressed. As if to say if you wait until you aren’t depressed to do something, you might be dead of old age. This reader made a good point….
I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I don’t know when the last time I was actually truely happy… With the loss of my dog Moonlight, I guess it got worse; to where I am doing very minimal…mostly sitting around staring at the ceiling or working. Not very exciting for someone my age. Even Dr. Val asked me last session if I could be at all excited about something we were talking about…
So, I guess we could all agree that I am chronically depressed. I think I have had moments of happiness, but they were fleeting. They may not even be defined as happiness, but for me, the absence of sadness, fear, aloneness, etc. But they don’t last long, I mean moments…
Most of us know what depression feels like, but imagine feeling that for the last 10-15 years of your life. It becomes part of who you are and that sort-of sucks. Constantly tired, constant negative thoughts, constant doom and gloom, constant tears, …. for years.
So, I sat around yesterday thinking and I got more confused. I feel like I am wasting my life, but I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like life is passing me by, HAS passed me by, but I don’t know how to stop it. The train has come and I missed it and am left behind. I can’t tell myself to be happy, because that doesn’t work…I’ve tried it. I can’t “fake it until I make it.”….. .. doesn’t work. I take meds, I goto therapy, but it doesn’t seem to help. I think about suicide as much as I did in the past…
So instead of sitting around, staring at the ceiling and thinking about nothing, I tried to think about the decisions I am struggling with, so for example…
- Do I pick up and move somewhere else, to try to start over to be happy? Would I be running away again?
- Do I try to find a career instead of my “job”… ? What the hell do I want to do with my life? Do I want to try school or culinary school?
- Why the hell don’t I exercise?
- Why do I eat crap all the time instead of giving my body healthy food?
- Why am I afraid to get out and do SOMETHING to meet people?
- How do I trust people so I can let them get to know me?
- How do I stop hating myself and actually believe that I am worth something?
- How do I stop living like I am?
- How do I stop missing my dog, Moonlight?
- How do I stop treating myself like shit?
As you can see, these questions require days of thinking. Some are easier, like should I move again? You see I have moved so much and each time I was running FROM something and hopefully TO a better life. But it’s not happening… I just keep running….life gets a little better, but when you keep running every couple years, it’s hard to really make a life. It’s hard for people to understand if they have never moved alot or wandered around. It can be an awfully lonely existence. But am I in the place that I should be? Can I make a life here? Can I find something here that truely fills some of the needs I have? I don’t know. I am not even sure I know what needs I have… how sad is that?
Some questions are harder like how do I stop hating myself and believe I am worth something? I think people get born into a world NOT hating themselves and are raised believing they are worth something. Neither of those happened for me. Perhaps you can’t fix things like this. Perhaps you really can’t repair the damage from the past, and for example, I will always hate me.
Depression is a incredibly complex state. Just because I am lying on my floor staring at my ceiling all day, does not mean I am not thinking. In fact, all this thinking is making me more exhausted. I wish there was a magic potion that could take people’s depression away. I used to think chocolate was the answer… but even that doesn’t work anymore. Maybe smoking pot is the answer, but honestly after being high, I got depressed the next day, so I would have to smoke more. That’s not healthy either…. my lungs don’t need that.
Trying to think about these things when you are already depressed can make depression worse, when you realize your life is a mess or you realize there are no true answers to these questions, at this time. Maybe life is just a crapshoot and if you are lucky, it works out well for you… but maybe if you are unlucky, you spend every moment and ounce of energy trying to find a small piece of that luck… which maybe is not really ever yours.
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