Archive for July 9, 2018

leaving then versus leaving now. this is related to foster care, how? — Dr Val?


So i moved and left Dr. Val.  you saw that in my previous tribute post to her.lake_of_tears_by_pallet1-d5nqjw0

We spent weeks talking about it, 2-3 times a week for hours spent on my leaving for my new job… and i would cry like a baby.  seriously, if tears were not salty, i could have solved the drought problem in some parts of the world — the “Lake of LT’s tears.”

Dr. Val insisted that i was so sad because of all the losses i had growing up and that the magnitude of my feelings were because growing up, i never got to experience them. That many of my feelings were walled off and some were in parts that had fragmented.. and now i am doing better so that it’s good that i am experiencing feelings and healthy leavings.

it would go like this…

Dr. Val: LT, you feel so much about leaving because of all the losses you have experienced in your life. You walled off your emotions and now that you have them, they are so big.

LT: NO. i feel so much because i am leaving you.  why does this always have to be about something else?  cant it be about you and me? ….what am i gonna do without you

Dr. Val: You had so many unhealthy leavings in the past, that we are making this one a healthy leaving.

LT:  Wha?  if this is healthy, this sucks

How can leaving Dr Val possibly be healthy?

Sincthumbe I have been in therapy with Dr. Val all these years, I found my feelings. Congratulations!  Right?   I don’t wall off my emotions anymore.  Is that better?  Is that better than when I lived in foster care and stopped having emotions?  Is it better than my walled off parts that i didnt know held the HUGE feelings i have?

No way in hell!  dontgive a shit

At least back then, i stopped caring, i didnt give a shit what happened.  You learn to get hard being abused and being in foster care and well, leaving or getting dumped is just another day… “screw you foster family for dumping me, i don’t care anyway.”   Those leavings didnt matter – seriously those were people who did not care about me and threw me away.  Dr. Val never threw me away.

Now because I have feelings, i am crying every day.  That is healthier?

Please. tell me. How is leaving someone you care about healthy?  How?

i got so much better with her.  Now i feel lost again.  alone.

i grew so much with her. i feel stunted again.

that’s a healthy leaving?



July 9, 2018 at 8:18 pm 25 comments

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