leaving then versus leaving now. this is related to foster care, how? — Dr Val?

July 9, 2018 at 8:18 pm 24 comments

 

So i moved and left Dr. Val.  you saw that in my previous tribute post to her.lake_of_tears_by_pallet1-d5nqjw0

We spent weeks talking about it, 2-3 times a week for hours ..talk spent on my leaving for my new job… and i would cry like a baby.  seriously, if tears were not salty, i could have solved the drought problem in some parts of the world — the “Lake of LT’s tears.”

Dr. Val insisted that i was so sad because of all the losses i had growing up and that the magnitude of my feelings were because growing up, i never got to experience them. That many of my feelings were walled off and some were in parts that had fragmented.. and now i am doing better so that it’s good that i am experiencing feelings and healthy leavings.

it would go like this…

Dr. Val: LT, you feel so much about leaving because of all the losses you have experienced in your life. You walled off your emotions and now that you have them, they are so big.

LT: NO. i feel so much because i am leaving you.  why does this always have to be about something else?  cant it be about you and me? ….what am i gonna do without you

Dr. Val: You had so many unhealthy leavings in the past, that we are making this one a healthy leaving.

LT:  Wha?  if this is healthy, this sucks

How can leaving Dr Val possibly be healthy?

Sincthumbe I have been in therapy with Dr. Val all these years, I found my feelings. Congratulations!  Right?   I don’t wall off my emotions anymore.  Is that better?  Is that better than when I lived in foster care and stopped having emotions?  Is it better than my walled off parts that i didnt know held the HUGE feelings i have?

No way in hell!  dontgive a shit

At least back then, i stopped caring, i didnt give a shit what happened.  You learn to get hard being abused and being in foster care and well, leaving or getting dumped is just another day… “screw you foster family for dumping me, i don’t care anyway.”   Those leavings didnt matter – seriously those were people who did not care about me and threw me away.  Dr. Val never threw me away.

Now because I have feelings, i am crying every day.  That is healthier?

Please. tell me. How is leaving someone you care about healthy?  How?

i got so much better with her.  Now i feel lost again.  alone.

i grew so much with her. i feel stunted again.

that’s a healthy leaving?

low_miss20you20cat_cover

 

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goodbye to my savior puffy cheetos and changes

24 Comments Add your own

  • 1. A.  |  July 10, 2018 at 11:00 pm

    Do you have a new doctor that Dr. Val could recommend in the place where you are going?

    I think it is important that you continue treatment, and especially having help to get through this painful transition/leaving.

    If you know a couple people that Dr. Val recommends, then you could give each a few visits to see if anyone else seems like they could add something to your making-meaning of your experiences and the world, and growth.

    Insight isn’t limited to Dr. Val, and beginning to find insight from a new person, will allow you to see and understand more into what Dr. Val has told you, and had been working on with you, as well. (But, Do. Not. Stop. Trying doctors until you end up with one that will continue to help your healthy growth)

    Even if the new person seems less specifically effective than Dr. Val’s radical/non-quantifiable/incomprehensible addition to your life, two things: maybe what the new person says will be insightful and different (adding to what Dr. Val has said); and two, you might begin searching for what Dr. Val was connecting you to and giving you through many sources to continue your growth of insight.

    You’ll keep learning, and growing healthy in a way that would make Dr. Val proud.

    What Dr. Val has already given you, you will never lose. That radical important transformation of your life that Dr. Val gave you, you get to keep. And it will be scary, and sad, plain old really sad. But that transformation Dr. Val has given you, into a healthier, better life, (or even, into A life); was important and critical. Dr. Val gave you that important change. But now, even though it seems like Dr. Val could give you much more, the most important things she could have given you, has been done.

    She connected you to something, a different life, a new way of processing and understanding the world, a uniting of and coming to know your “self”, and through what she has already (importantly) given you, you will be able to receive continued insight towards and on this. Your path in this direction is not over, by any means, and has just begun, but because of what she gave you, you will be able to continue to grow.

    I am sorry that it hurts, and yes, emotions do suck.

  • 2. yoyoyoli  |  July 10, 2018 at 7:19 pm

    Yes I have to agree with Dr Val.. you are SO Doing better so that it’s good that you are experiencing feelings and healthy leavings.
    I understand this hurts… it is totally be ok to be hurt and sad but hoping you are excited a bit as well about the new job and new crib!? Can you tell us more? Are you biking again? Hope you are can you update me on your furbabies as well any new ones? Really wish I could do somthing to help you, thanks for sharing LT!

  • 3. Hannah  |  July 10, 2018 at 6:24 pm

    Hi LT. So glad you are writing again! I know this is hard, but this will pass. As others have said, you are grieving and the sadness will disappear. I know she will still be in contact with you. All that you wrote over the years, she is a good one.

  • 4. Kathleen D Quigley  |  July 10, 2018 at 2:41 pm

    Of course you are sad! Dr. Val is maybe the only actual healthy decent adult connection you have! It’s a HUGE loss!
    I hope you can maybe send cards every so often to maintain a connection, but if Dr. Val is going to be all doctor about it – it may well be against some sort of doctor law – I am glad at least that you are connected to your emotions again. That will make it easier for you to connect to other people, maybe people who are not a dr and thus can hang out with you on a day off!
    Best of luck.
    Keep posting.
    I missed you!
    Kathleen

  • 5. sheila  |  July 10, 2018 at 1:08 pm

    Welcome back, LT! We’ve missed you an awful lot.

  • 6. livefiretj  |  July 10, 2018 at 10:58 am

    LT crying is part of stages of grieving. I don’t know what happen to you all these years but as always we are here for you.

  • 7. sciencedino  |  July 10, 2018 at 10:20 am

    So happy to “see” you online again! I’m sorry moving is so hard. I hope you can find another therapist as good as Dr. Val – I wish I could find a Dr. Val for my kids! Since you were last around, we also started fostering my son’s older sister and she just turned 18 on the weekend, which was a big milestone! Thanks for being around for the kids.

  • 8. Jill  |  July 10, 2018 at 8:31 am

    your new posts have my heart smiling for you. for the past year I have revisited your site with hopes of a post, because you opened your world to us and we began to care about you. then you were gone, and I wondered. LT you are so much stronger now. I see it in your words. Leaving Dr. Val means you are successful. it means that you have finally know that you are worth so much and that being here on this earth is important. spread your wings and fly!!! and keep us posted on how you are doing. Dr. Val will always be in your heart. much love to you on this new journey!!!

  • 9. Anonymous  |  July 10, 2018 at 6:15 am

    LT, I know this is hard… but you have grown and this is another step. Dr. Val would not fail you. Re-read your first post and look at all she has helped you with. This is another step.
    I am so glad you are writing again!

  • 10. truegritton  |  July 10, 2018 at 4:54 am

    Grief of loss is like labor in reverse, the pain is the greatest at the beginning and it comes in waves, the deeper the loss, the greater and more often the waves. As time goes on the pain will get less and less, until you can remember the relationship without grief at all, you can miss the person without pain. You can have fond memories, you can even send a card occasionally. It is hard to give up the security and trust you had with Dr Val, but you have learned skills to help you develop new relationships, just take it slow and easy, make sure those you share your heart with are trustworthy. Tears are the way your heart expresses emotional pain, when you have released all the pain, the tears will dry up. I think your grief over your loss of Dr Val is plenty deep enough, she has been a mother to you in teaching you to discover who you are, we never get over that kind of relationship loss without grief. Maybe it did trigger previous losses, which would make it worse, but that doesn’t lessen the genuine loss you are going through. You are a brave person, stepping out into the grown-up world even when it is scary to let go. But you have been building toward this for a long time, trying out those wings on your own, but you are going to soar!

  • 11. Ashana M  |  July 10, 2018 at 3:46 am

    There is someone to communicate to. When no one responds to your crying, there is no reason to cry. We are meant to communicate with others. Our behaviour communicates as much as words do, but when no one pays any attention, there is no reason to use behaviour (like tears). I think it’s much better, because there is this person with you, looking at the situation and at your feelings about it and sharing a little bit of the burden of how to manage this. In foster care, there was no one to do that with you.

  • 12. Tara dSL  |  July 10, 2018 at 1:54 am

    This might sound funny, but I recommend watching the movie Inside Out. It is a family movie but appealing to all ages, and I think it does a nice job of explaining the importance of sadness as a healthy emotion. Hugs to you – I know it is hard but you are SO MUCH stronger now, and that strength will enable you to grow as a person and form new relationships and be able to trust people. That is the gift that Dr. Val has given you that you will keep forever.

  • 13. wendysmith193  |  July 10, 2018 at 1:12 am

    Dearest LT,
    You sound so full of emotion and it hurts so much. Like you said in your last post, you and Dr Val’s brains have both been changed through this relationship that has healed you and awakened some of the parts of you that were numb. You are more fully functioning now than you were when you thought you didn’t care. That was a defensive stance and not your real feelings which were hidden to protect you. Now you are stronger and able to let yourself feel because somewhere inside you, you know you can handle it – even if it is painful.
    You can never replace Dr Val. She will be with you forever as the first human who made you feel safe and loved. You sound like an amazing woman with so much to give. This is part of the journey back to your whole self. Keep doing it. Lots of love and strength to you xx

  • 14. Ziyah  |  July 9, 2018 at 11:39 pm

    You always have been so real in your posts which I appreciate. I just cant wait for a happy blog where your doing alright and no longer sad, even just for a fleeting moment. I mean everyone has good days right?

  • 15. momma2abby  |  July 9, 2018 at 11:32 pm

    Lt- So glad to see you again. I’m sure it is hard to need to transition from Dr Val to someone else, but I can’t be sad about it when you clearly feel so good about the move in general! I’ve thought a lot about you and hope you post again. My husband asks sometimes whether or not you are back. The kiddo has been with me now for almost 17 years. Your blog and your insights into DID have been important to us. Just plain glad to see you!

  • 16. Jenny  |  July 9, 2018 at 11:16 pm

    I am so happy to read some new posts from you! We’ve never met but I was just thinking about you recently and wondering how you are doing. Your viewpoint was so valuable to me when I was fostering two beautiful girls (they have been reunified with their mom since then). I’m so glad to hear about all of your healing. You provide hope to so many.

    I just saw this quote a few days ago and it is so fitting: “Life begins where your comfort zone ends.” Growing pains suck sometimes but you can see how far you’ve come…a year from now, I hope you see that you grew and healed even more than you believed you would or could. Keep searching for a new therapist – there are so many great ones out there. Thank you for sharing!

  • 17. Linda Kauffer  |  July 9, 2018 at 10:42 pm

    Crying IS healthy LT! It is just one more way the body has to eliminate toxins from inside you, toxins caused by NOT letting feelings flow through you and out. Feelings are meant to be temporary, not walled off and buried deep inside for years on end. That is unhealthy. Crying out your grief at leaving Dr Val is GOOD. You are allowing yourself to feel! And the body is doing it’s thing in cleaning out those toxins caused by the sadness, instead of letting them build up inside you. (Which as you get older may lead to health issues like heart problems). You are crying because you ARE feeling! Awesome!

    Leaving “home” (and Dr.. Val has been “home” for you-a place where you felt safe, cared about, secure) is always a sad experience for anyone. But it is a rite of passage into adulthood. I was sad, and cried, when I went away to college. I was sad and cried when as a child my family moved away from where we had lived for years. I cried and was sad when I had to leave a job I loved because they downsized. Crying is part of the process of acknowledging the feeling and releasing it. It will get easier with time, but NOT if you deny or bury the feelings. (((HUGS))).l

  • 18. tomorrowsmemories  |  July 9, 2018 at 10:41 pm

    I have been praying for you since your last post. I’m sorry this is SO hard. Loss always is. 😦

  • 19. Kathy  |  July 9, 2018 at 9:57 pm

    Gosh this sounds hard ((LT))

  • 20. Sally H  |  July 9, 2018 at 9:40 pm

    This is a different kind of leaving. You had a choice and a voice this time. When you were younger, you did not have that choice. You had no voice in your moving.

  • 21. Beth  |  July 9, 2018 at 9:32 pm

    LT, hang in there. The grief will subside and you will be better for this leaving.

  • 22. Lee  |  July 9, 2018 at 8:51 pm

    I hope that you can trust that Dr Val has always spoken truth to you. Sometimes it is hard to see growth in ourselves, because growing hurts.

  • 23. TO  |  July 9, 2018 at 8:29 pm

    (((Hugs))) to you! I cannot imagine the grief at leaving someone you so clearly love. I hope you are able to find more true and kind souls in your new home. Thank you for sharing your story and your blog.

  • 24. Maryellen  |  July 9, 2018 at 8:26 pm

    Reading your stuff gives me a sliver of hope for the grandson we are trying some hard to help but unable to get past the horrible mother that is destroying his life.
    I know he will have to deal with so much shit.. or already is..
    anyway..
    may it go well..

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