Archive for August, 2018

Killing me softly


Dear Dr. Val

I love you to death, but I can’t do this anymore. Not because I don’t want to, but it is killing me everytime I talk with you.  I cry for hours and the pain I feel about missing you doesn’t seem to be getting any better. Everytime we talk, it rips my heart wide open and just as I start to stitch it together, …it gets ripped open again.

I never thought I would leave you, but I did. Was it the right choice, I don’t know?

You are the most caring, gentlest, safest, kindest, wicked smartest, and best listener that I ever had in my life. I never met anyone like you. I don’t think I ever will again.

I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but I don’t know what to do?  I am crying as I write this.

It’s not about Dr. Sam, (Dr. SS), because as you know it is hard for me with her.

I have begged and pleaded for you to move here, or closer, or to adopt me… but it doesn’t work. And I know that is not reality.

Please tell me what to do?




August 23, 2018 at 3:18 pm 14 comments

No family or medical history, thanks to foster care which screwed me


I have to find a doctor in my new city.  My thwhite-prescription-pad-with-writing-and-doctor-s-signature-on-green-s52odb-clipartyroid medicine needs a prescription and the old doctor only gave me 5 refills.  I hate doctors for a ton of reasons, but let me start with two… The forms and the questions.



The forms are long and filled with tons of questions.  They ask who my emergency contact is.  That gets left blank…. and then the ladies behind the desk keep asking me to fill it in.  I stand there looking like an ass. I read it, I just can’t answer it.  As they keep asking, people in the waiting room overhear all the co-motion and I can feel all these eyes staring at the back of my head.  Damit! I have no-one to fill in that blank. I supposed I could fill in KC, but the reality is I think it is meant to be for someone in your family that has authority to make medical decisions for you.   I don’t even know… but I know I always leave it blank.  Maybe I should write my pet’s names in, so the ladies behind the desk would leave me alone!

I hate trying to explain that I have no family.  Unless you have no family, you simply cannot understand this.  There is a hole the engulfs all your self and  people either look at you like you are a  loser or with pity… I don’t know which one is worse.nobody-child

Also on the forms there are all these questions about family history of disease.  Well guess what?  I have no freaking idea…. I am a medical mystery.  The only box I could probably answer correctly is “fucked up bioparents” and I could put a check in that box.  History of Cancer?  dunno….  History of Diabetes?  … dunnno… History of heart attack?  Guess what?  dunno that either?

Besides the doctor not knowing,  I don’t know either.  That’s kind of frightening considering I don’t take care of myself.  Who knows what will happen to me when I get older.

Then there is the doctor.  Oh man.  They tr03-secrets-doctors-wont-tell-docy to ask the same questions on the form and I REALLY do not know the answers, that is why the form is blank.  They look at me like I just don’t want to answer or that I am holding something back… are you kidding me?

In my case, I doubt foster care could even have gotten this shitty information from my bioparents. Right? They were so screwed up and my mom disappeared. But they could have tried from my biofather while his ass was sitting in prison… maybe.  Gosh, I hope they try to get medical information for foster kids today. It seems like it is such a big component in people’s health…

Sometimes I just want to scream—I have NO family medical history …. because I have NO family. …bio or foster… is that hard to understand?


August 18, 2018 at 8:21 am 11 comments

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