Archive for August 2, 2018

“I am a foster mother”… what a sucky job

wheaten-terrier-

This afternoon i was taking Tide out for a walk and i got down my staircase of my apartment and went to turn right to go up the road. i wanted to go get a slurpee and i was dreaming of the grape flavored ice cooling me off.   Ahead, i saw a bunch of kids and some lady who had stopped to tie her shoe.  i quickly stopped walking, thinking i needed to wait until she finished tieing her shoe because some people simply do not like dogs and i didnt know anything about this woman…

Then it went like this

WOMAN TIEING SHOE:  Oh, are you new around here?

I was looking around trying to see if she was talking to someone else.. it is a big city.

ME:  who?  me?  yeah, i just moved here.  my dog won’t hurt you.

WOMAN: Hi.  my name is rose and i live up the street with my kids.  do you know the yellow house?  who are you?  what do you do?

ME: ahhh… my name is LT….i work at (name) bakery downtown.

WOMAN: oh they have great breads!… I am a foster mother.  Have had 12 kids and adopted 5.

ME: wow… that’s nice and great i mean.  how old were they when you got them?

WOMAN:  the oldest one was 2 when we got her.  it’s hard. i have a degree in psychology but its hard.  my daughter is really angry and my kids are challenging.  so many things that i don’t know.  it’s difficult.. they do things, but even giving them a home and love and things doesnt seem to help all the time…………blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah……….

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As this woman was talking, i wanted to shake my head and tell her to stop.  What did i look like… a therapist?  a priest?  another foster parent?  No, i was just there with my dog wanting to get a grape slurpee. Little did this woman know that i was a foster kid, and a bad, “difficult” one at that.

Lord help me…. but really?  Telling some random stranger about your experiences with your foster/adopted children…and being so negative. i don’t get it.  If it’s all so bad, why do you do it?  If it is so bad that you are telling some random person on the street about how difficult your children are maybe you are in the wrong business?  Maybe she needed a psychologist?

Look, we know that foster parents get $$$ per kid..  Right?  But in my experiences, the few good ones I had, the good parents don’t announce it like it is a “job.”  Is being a foster parent a job….?  Gosh I think that is the suckiest way to think about it.

I wanted to scream at this lady and tell her that the kids are not bad, chica-mano-nothat they came from bad situations, that if they are so “difficult” maybe she need to stop fostering and take a break.  That she should not be talking to other people about her “children” in such a negative way….

….that she was hurting my feelings talking like this.

but i didn’t….. i just listened

As her kids disappeared down the street, she said “it was nice talking to you.  maybe i will see you around again.  i would like to get some suggestions on how to make healthy breads!”

i just stood there, shook my head and felt my heart die inside.  i was a “job” for so many people and i hope to God they didn’t talk about me like that…

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August 2, 2018 at 10:44 pm 17 comments

Drugged foster kid… drugged me?

 

Ohpill-head2 my gosh, i take so many meds. If you remember in the old blog years, I started taking some meds with the help of Dr. C.  Then I quit, then I started again, etc….But over time they kept adding and now I take a lot.  Even though I HATE to admit it, they seemed to help me keep balanced and focused and probably helped me work with Dr. Val better.  I have labels up the wazoo… So I take a mood stabilizer, two anti-depressants, one anti-psychotic, stimulants and two sleeping pills. I know it sounds like a lot…. shit, it is alot! It is sort of embarrassing… i am a walking medicine cabinet.

what is this shit doing to my brain?

Should these meds that the put me on as an adult with all the side effects… should these crazy meds be given to foster children?  I know they are;  there are scientific reports and government reports about it…. and I know some were shoved into me and given to me without my permission… to calm me down, to make me stop being bad, to pay attention, to behave better… none of them worked? I was still a bad kid and still did bad things.  Maybe I was never given what I needed to behave better, like stability, safety, love, true caring, etc, etc…

canda-sad-copy

 

Is it possible those early years of medication set my brain upbrain_reading_lc into needing them now as an adult to live?  Is that possible?  I mean growing up your brain is developing, changing, could it develop into craving meds to keep brain chemistry functioning?

Do you realize the side effects of these things?  Some of them make young people more suicidal… that’s fucking with the brain.  Some of the make people gain weight, not like “oh i ate too many pastries and gained 5 pounds,” it’s more like 20-50 pounds people gain… that’s fucking with some hormones or something. Some of them cause tremors… that’s fucking with the nervous system..will that lead to illness later in life?  Some can kill you.. hello lithium toxicity.

once i read this report without support of my doctors on how to go off all your meds.  it did not work.  my brain got so messed up that i needed to go back on them.

is this addiction?

maybe i should have kept smoking… that’s an addiction, but at least patches and gum and stuff help you quit.  what helps quit an over-drugged brain?

pill-head_2

August 2, 2018 at 6:45 am 13 comments


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