Ah dammit.

August 6, 2018 at 9:23 pm 15 comments

 

butterfly_bandage_by_isananonymusAh, dammit. I still struggle with this and it is hard to stop when you don’t remember doing it. After work, I took a nap and woke up with a bloody arm. I wish I would cut this out. It’s such a difficult thing to absorb, that I hurt myself in order to feel better or to send a message to myself.

Trust me, it has gotten much better since I saw Dr. Val, but it still happens. This is another thing that should have been helped when I was growing up, but no-one gave a shit and now I still struggle with this.

I feel like I am sliding towards depression. I laid on the floor after I woke up and talked to myself for awhile, telling my brain to stay well.  Not that it is that easy. Shit, don’t we all wish it were!  I feel alot of stress with all the changes that have occurred in tjmw-june17-newsltter-outcast-graphiche past two months.  It feels like it is taxing  my brain.

I wish I knew how to make friends. I tend to be so quiet and observant of others, yet don’t know how to connect to them. I feel like I am on a planet alone, while everyone else is on another planet and I can’t reach them. I can’t figure out how to get to that planet with everyone else…

I am sure it starts with the ability to trust…

It’s lonely on my planet…

moon-planet-night-sky-silhouette-lone-man-standing-staring-starry-eps-vector-324511651

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Foster children “matter” There wouldn’t be this drama… if foster care had been a good mama.

15 Comments Add your own

  • 1. ritalee8383  |  August 8, 2018 at 9:34 am

    I’m so sorry for your grief. Hang in there LT. I’ll be thinking of you.

  • 2. Laura  |  August 7, 2018 at 9:43 pm

    LT….Please read my testimony here. It may save you from all you are feeling and save from that emptiness like nothing else can. Here it is: I lost roughly 20 Facebook friends after I posted this almost 3 years ago. I’ve been thinking about my friend, Julie Richter, who passed away almost three years ago and wanted to share this heartfelt message I wrote after she died. I share this again in hopes that even one person will read the entire message and really contemplate it….
    Thank You for Giving Me the Courage to Write This Julie Richter…
    My friend, Julie, died last week and she was only 48. She died on Christmas day in fact. My step-mother-in-law died on October 11th and she wasn’t quite 59. My friend’s, Angie’s, dad, Gus Johansen, died last month and her baby, Drew, died five years ago (I believe it’s been that long) on the night of his birth on December 12th. The pain we live with due to death takes a terrible toll and is almost unbearable, yet for Christians there is hope and a peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Death takes us all and we just don’t know when it will happen to US. Hebrews 9:27 says “And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment.” It can be an enormously scary thought. When I was younger I thought about death a lot. I mean a LOT. I used to wonder, sometime constantly, about heaven and hell. Was there REALLY a hell? Would I end up there? Oh, I would lay awake some nights thinking about it and could never escape those thoughts. Growing up going to church every Sunday I called myself a Christian simply because I was raised knowing that “Jesus was God”. I truly DID believe that my whole life and I knew that you needed Him “somehow,” but I just didn’t understand HOW or WHY I needed Him. I was a nominal Christian only – not a genuine believer, and was a lost soul who believed that if I was good enough then it would outweigh anything bad I may have done and I would go to heaven….MAYBE. I was a person who considered myself very good. Not a sinner. You’ve probably said it or thought it yourself at some point in your life – that we are all “basically good people”. Romans 3:23 says otherwise! It says “For all have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God” Think of it this way… would you like all of the bad things you’ve ever done put on a movie screen for the whole world to see? It kind of puts it into perspective when you think of it like that, doesn’t it? The Bible says that only God can open our eyes to the Truth and that happened to me about 14 years ago after reading a book with the simple Gospel message in it. 2 Corinthians 4:3-4 says “But if our gospel be hid, it is hid to them that are lost: In whom the god of this world hath blinded the minds of them which believe not, lest the light of the glorious gospel of Christ, who is the image of God, should shine unto them.” I can say in all confidence that it was a miracle and God was in my room with me when he “took the blinders off” and I saw myself for who I truly was – a sinner in need of a Savior. Not a Savior Who saves me from hell, but a Savior Who saves me from my SINS! Fear did not drive me to my knees when He showed me Who HE was and Who I was, but it was His holiness and my ungodliness that drove me to my knees with tears just streaming down my face in sorrow for how I had treated Him my whole life. The only One who could EVER make me see my sin (gossip, greed, anger, lying, blasphemy, etc., etc., etc.) was Him – no person would’ve ever been able to convince me that I was a sinner in need of Jesus. I finally got up after about 20-30 minutes after praying to God and asking Him (Jesus) to save me and felt fully at peace for the first time in my entire 32 years on this earth. I have NEVER had the fear of dying or hell since that day. Not once. I KNOW the struggles that everyone faces when you aren’t living for God. I lived that way. I was continually searching for SOMETHING to fulfill me or to bring me “happiness” yet everything I tried never worked. I tried having boyfriends, partying, hobbies, switching jobs every couple of years, getting married, having children and on and on the list goes. Yes, my husband and children bring me enormous pleasure yet I still felt so empty before I filled that ever-present “God-shaped” hole in my heart with my Creator! I KNOW you all have felt it. We were CREATED to need Him and to have a relationship with Him! Believe me, I know how some of you feel towards me right now….disgusted, annoyed, angry and I used to feel exactly like some of you do right now about “Jesus Freaks”, but “I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ: for it is the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth,” Romans 1:16. Being politically correct is not important and I will say that Jesus Christ is the only way to Heaven. I didn’t make that up or just decide it to be the truth. John 14:6 says “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” Only by Him…Jesus. You will either believe it and do something about it or reject Him. He loves every single soul on this planet more than LIFE. He proved that when He died for you and me on that horrendous cross. I guess a good way to compare it to this life right now is to compare it to a courtroom scene. Say that God the Father is the Judge and you are the criminal. You have done something so awful that the fine is a million consecutive life sentences in prison plus a fine of 100 billion dollars. There is no way that you can pay it. As He is sentencing you, you hear a voice saying “Stop Judge! I will take the punishment for her/him!” And all you need to do is to place all of that faith that you had in yourself and place it onto Jesus to save you from YOUR sins!!! If you do NOT do that then you will have to pay that fine. It’s as simple as that. If you would like to see the verses where it talks about all of this please see this link: http://www.teenmissions.org/resour…/roman-road-to-salvation/ The Gospel in a nutshell. What will you do with it? Every one of you will make a choice about it. Either you will dismiss it or start really contemplating it. Oh, I pray that you believe this. The book of John in the New Testament is a great place to start reading the Bible. What a way to start the New Year – with a changed heart! By the way, the word “repent” simply means to completely turn around TOWARDS God and move AWAY from SELF/The World/Sins. I used to hate that word until I understood what it meant. I also despised the words “Born Again”. But if you look up John 3:3 it says “Jesus answered and said unto him, Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born again, he cannot see the kingdom of God.” He was talking to Nicodemus, a Pharisee, here. Nicodemus wasn’t the typical Pharisee of the New Testament – he was truly trying to understand who Jesus was and wanted to learn more. All Jesus meant here is that we are first born “of water” or physically born out of our mothers, but to ever see the kingdom of God we have to be “born again” or born of God which simply means that He opens our eyes to the Truth, and we believe Him and confess Jesus as Lord and Savior. Well, I realize how I sound to a politically correct world. I don’t care about that. I only care about every one of you. I no longer want to fear what people think of me. In Matthew 10:33 Jesus said “But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven.”
    Christianity is the only religion on the planet where God came to us and did all the work so we could be with Him eternally. All other religions are religions of works. God IS a God of love, but He is also JUST and you cannot pick and choose which verses you will believe. II Timothy 3:16 says “All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.” ALL scripture. When I say that He is “JUST” think of that Judge again in the scenario listed above. Would a “Just” Judge just let murderers, rapists, liars and thieves go just because they are sorry? No! A “Just” Judge would say “That’s wonderful that you’re sorry, but you still have to pay that fine for what you have done.” Thank GOD He paid it FOR us!!!!
    I write this because I care about all of you and if what I believe is TRUE (and I know it is) then I would be horrible not to tell you how you can be with Jesus for all eternity. Julie knew these truths and she is there with Him right now. Julie, because of YOU, someone may read this and start their own journey to know the Lord. You are my inspiration. Thank you for all you have done for everyone in this life. Hundreds of people have benefitted from knowing you. You will NEVER be forgotten.
    All I ask is that you at least consider what I’ve written and please be respectful in the comments section. If you are upset with me and want to talk to me please private message me and I will be happy to talk with you. If you are NOT upset with me and want to talk with me then that is great too! May God bless you all…Laura Dolen Johansen
    teenmissions.org
    Roman Road to Salvation | Teen Missions International
    The Roman Road to Salvation is a selection of Bible verses that explain…

    teenmissions.org

    Roman Road to Salvation | Teen Missions International
    The Roman Road to Salvation is a selection of Bible verses that explain…

  • 3. Anonymous  |  August 7, 2018 at 5:15 pm

    Hey LT, Remember, you are God’s art. You are important and valuable and obviously unique. Me too. Love you!

  • 4. Pat  |  August 7, 2018 at 1:04 pm

    I know it’s hard to take Tide for walks, but if you have a dog park nearby you might be able to make some friends there. And you’ll already have something in common!

  • 5. helen hewett  |  August 7, 2018 at 11:56 am

    Hello how silly am I, I was thinking I wish I could communicate with you and there on the page is that precious word ‘comment’. You have been through so much you are definitely going to have down days and really bloody awful days but you are not alone be reassured we are all on this planet together. This is our generation who are supposed to be supporting each other. You and me and the rest of the people alive at this time on this planet, unlike the scenes I just saw on the TV where all these tourists were desperate to flee islands in Indonesia rocked by an earthquake instead of thinking what can I do to help. Its not like the villagers had emergency workers on hand they just needed the help of other humans to help them and yet hundreds of humans are crowded on a beach trying to get away from the chaos and get back to their safe havens. I’m sure there were tourists who realised they could do something to help and were pitching in and those people will be richly enriched by that experience. I feel for you with work I had a job lined up which would have given me extra money to pay the bills as well as the rent but you guessed it I just received the thanks but no thanks email. So I am back on the horse applying for other jobs but with a sadness and despair in my heart that I didn’t feel earlier when I was so excited at the prospect of paying the power bill and the rent! Thinking of you much love a fellow human on this lonely planet in a very big universe.helen hewett

  • 6. Maryellen  |  August 7, 2018 at 11:02 am

    The talent of being able to communicate so well is a gift.
    I do how for less stress especially since you made the move.
    As far as self harm.. I don’t really understand it but I see it with my grandson.. today we meet again to try and get him loose from the toxic environment.
    Who would have thought getting a kid to safety would take so freakin long..
    But.. we don’t quit.
    I hope you can find someone that can share some time with as a friend or acquaintance.

  • 7. KK  |  August 7, 2018 at 8:37 am

    Hi, LT! I’m so glad you’re back. This post reminded me of the book The Little Prince by Antoine de St Exupery. Maybe you should check it out. It’s written like a children’s book, but it has a good message for adults too. Speaking of which, have you found your local library? It could be a good resource for you and a way to get more connected to your new town.
    Best!

  • 8. Sandy  |  August 7, 2018 at 6:35 am

    Hi LT. I agree with the others about speaking with Dr. Sam.
    Moving is one of the most stressful events in life and it takes it toll on the body and mind. Be easy on yourself.

  • 9. April in MA  |  August 7, 2018 at 6:27 am

    Hi LT, I live with depression too and I find that I can maintain my job by giving myself permission to not be ok when I’m at work. I’m sure there are days when my coworkers see that there is something wrong, but I decided not to worry about them and what they think. If I have to roll out of bed without showering or dressing, I do. Good Luck, sweet LT. btw, you have a lot of friends here!

  • 10. Linda Kauffer  |  August 6, 2018 at 11:48 pm

    Evening, LT! FMIT is right, it wouldn’t hurt for Dr Sam to tweak a bit.

    I’ve missed a couple of days at my keyboard (gardening and yard work), so I had to catch up on your recent posts. I am so happy for you! What an awesome job! When you get your own shop, will you finally tell us where you are so we can come buy your goodies?

    I know right now you are feeling a depression coming on, but, wow, LT! Look at what you can do! You can detect it, you know what it is, I am pretty sure you know what to do (talk to Dr Sam and keep on your meds until you do, lol!)

    I have, all of my life, had inner turmoil about making friends. It no longer devastates me, or keeps me from making friends, and the older I get, the less the turmoil lasts, and, matters. Would like to add a bit about making friends:
    1. Smile. A genuine heartfelt smile.
    2. Make brief eye contact when you smile.
    3. If the person smiles back, and makes eye contact, they are open to a friendly exchange. If they don’t, move on-they may be preoccupied, or just plain unfriendly peeps-you don’t want to know that kind of person, anyway, do you?
    4. Find something to compliment them about, or if there is something about them, their appearance or maybe an object they carry, that you can identify with, mention it, like-“hey, I like those earrings you are wearing,” or (to someone who has a tee-shirt on with a dog or cat on it) ” hmm…are you a dog person (as you point to the shirt,) I have a dog..” Maybe they are eating a donut-you could say something like “If you like sweets, you really should come try a ___ at my bakery, they’re the best in the world”. If the person is friendly, you’ll have a nice little conversation, and if your energy clicks, you’ll find that a friendship has a possible beginning. A good time to practice this is standing in line somewhere-bank, grocery, sitting next to you on a bus…just work on practicing, and soon it will seem less awkward.

    One step at a time, like you have been doing. Oh, LT, you are going to make it, I just know! All of us have days where depression sneaks in, we feel unsafe, unfit…your cutting protector is just doing what they have always done. It is going to take awhile for them to trust,too… you are right about that part. Let your feelings out to Dr. Sam, to us…there is a neurobiological function that happens when people talk out their thoughts and feelings, and the more you talk about them, the less power they have over you, and the easier it is to let them go. Not saying they won’t be back from time to time, but each time you will know earlier that they are coming on, they won’t be as strong as the ones before, your protectors will not be called upon, and one day, no more cutting.

  • 11. Rebekah Stahl  |  August 6, 2018 at 11:15 pm

    Hey LT. I’ve never commented before but I’ve wanted to for a loooong time. You are such an inspiration to me, do you know that? Once I can open my home to foster care, I won’t say no to the “hard” kids because of you. You’ve given me an insight and a bravery I didn’t know about before. And look at how far you’ve come! My god, you’ve crossed mountains and oceans in your recovery. I read your blog years ago before you quit writing for a while, and your tone has changed so much.( I thought about you often…I always prayed you were too happy to write, and not anything else) You are a freaking warrior. But even warriors need rest. I have depression, anxiety, and ptsd from a sexual assault. A little trick I’ve learned to see when I’m being too hard on myself is to put my best friend in my situation. And then see what advice I would give them. Most of the time it’s completely different from what I was telling myself. I also agree you should talk to Dr. Sam or KC. You’re a warrior princess, and the very definition of a fighter, but that doesn’t mean you have to fight alone.
    And of course you have us! Sending you many cyber hugs!!!

  • 12. Kathleen  |  August 6, 2018 at 10:34 pm

    This is going to sound crazy but – the other quiet people feel lonely and not sure how to connect too! And the not-quiet people will happily let you join in. The key is to show them you want to connect, because otherwise they’ll leave you alone, thinking quiet means you prefer to be alone. Some people do!
    So, casually say to someone, “Hi, I’m (name) and I’m new in town. Have you lived here long? What do you recommend I see/do here? What’s special about this town?”
    They will LOVE acting like an expert and hopefully one of them will suggest something you like and you guys can connect over it.

  • 13. Steph  |  August 6, 2018 at 10:01 pm

    Girl, be nice to yourself! It can hard to make friends, I always think it’s hard anyway. My trick in college was to talk to the people that talked a lot, as they seem to be able to make conversation with almost anyone and it took the pressure off me to know what to say. Real friends are harder to come by, but they will come. Any co-workers or people in your building that talk a lot- even if it’s about themselves?

  • 14. manyofus1980  |  August 6, 2018 at 9:39 pm

    I hear ya. very very lonely. im right here. if you need an ear, you are not alone. struggle with self harm too. xo

  • 15. Foster Mom in Training  |  August 6, 2018 at 9:33 pm

    Hi LT,

    Please speak with Dr. Sam about how you are feeling. She may need to tweak your meds to get you through this. Are you still taking with KC? Maybe give her a call? Do you have the email addresses of any of the other new chefs? Maybe you could text or email? I know it will be hard. Go easy on yourself. (((Hugs)))

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