i am a piece of shit and $#%&@%

September 20, 2018 at 8:00 pm 21 comments

 

well, if you have been reading lately, you probably noticed that i was getting depressed since my move.

then i had an arguement with dr. val last week over something.

then after a week i talked with her today

she told me today that “clinical caring” was different than “personal caring.”

that hurt.

then i realized that therapy is all built on lies.

all these years of her telling me “i am not a piece of shit” and other nice things and pretending to be interested in me, are all clinical — no personal interest

therapists are trained to tell clients things to help them — its all a clinical game

personally, she could hate my guts, and believe that i am a piece of shit…. but she couldn’t say that because it wouldn’t be clinically correct

*****……….so here is a positive about FOSTER PARENTS

they get paid a lot less money

they werent trained what to say to me or how to act towards me…

… so perhaps what i saw from them was more honesty

240_F_66313765_27dsb0wQw6snUdvAY9qgeOLCWPdDfV2X

—–and i am exactly what was told to me most of the first 18 years of my life (including from the bioparents).. because none of them were trained to be a certain way

 

 

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Entry filed under: Uncategorized.

Ah, I don’t always bash on you. planting has a purpose

21 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Pam  |  September 27, 2018 at 11:02 pm

    You are the only one who can give yourself value. God gave you value when you were conceived, and Jesus died on the cross to give you value, but until you believe it and let it soak into your heart and soul, there is no one else out here in the world who can make you believe it. LT, I don’t know how old you are, – I stopped following your blog when you quit, and my email changed since then and I’m only now seeing some of the many posts you have written, but it is time for you to become the best person you can be and move forward. I’m glad you have the blog for an outlet, but be challenged to fulfill hopes and dreams for the future. Your past, my past, we all have one, and it can always bring us to a hate-filled future, but we also have the choice to make our own future brighter. YOU have a choice. Come on girl – you can do it!!

  • 2. dinah1007  |  September 25, 2018 at 8:49 pm

    The shit emoji looks like chocolate so thanks for making me want that. Listen to your very smart followers they know of what they speak

  • 3. Anonymous  |  September 24, 2018 at 4:40 pm

    I wish foster parents received training to know what to say and do with the kiddos put in our care! I’ve never felt so lost, confused, heartbroken, generally freaked out as I have from being a foster parent. I think ‘trauma informed care’ training would go a long way in improving both the foster kids and foster parents mental health and foster experience.

    Now that I’ve gone through therapy and had several mental health professionals as close friends through the years, I firmly believe that therapy:

    SHOWS YOU THE TRUTH IN WAYS THAT YOU CAN SLOWLY UNDERSTAND AND INCORPORATE INTO YOUR LIFE

    I believe this is what a good therapists does and it sounds like this is exactly what Dr. Val did with you. People come to terms with reality at different speeds and in different ways–the job of a therapist (in my opinion) is to lead folk along that path in a gentle & effective way. Hopefully, one day you will be able to fully believe and incorporate into your soul Dr. Val’s factual statement that “you are not a piece of shit”…and all the other nice truths she tried to show you about yourself.

    From all of your previous posts, it sounds like Dr. Val cares for you very much-in a professionally acceptable way.

    Reality check:
    Of course clinical caring is different than personal caring! If Dr. Val used “personal caring” for the clients she is trying to guide along their delicate paths to reality, she would likely be a piece of shit therapists.

    A therapists who is lost in the fog of “personal caring” needs to find another career…lost in the fog is exactly what will happen (in my opinion) if a therapist isn’t able to maintain “clinical caring”.

    “Clinical caring” still means people care though! Just not in the same way as you might be emotionally invested in a different type of close personal relationship.

  • 4. LR  |  September 24, 2018 at 10:24 am

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. Sorry it’s hard. You are worth it, keep breathing. May be clinical caring is different from personal caring but it doesn’t mean it’s any less real or deep. Clinicians get themselves counselled out if they don’t really care about the person they’re working with. A long term therapeutic connection imho has the same value as a long term friendship, it just works a bit differently because it’s supposed to. But both friendship and therapeutic relationships help, not because they falsely prop up but because they truly reflect the positives we can’t see ourselves. The value and worth and likeability are in you even when you can’t feel them. When your “poo feelings” part is stronger, remember, just because we believe something negative, doesn’t make it true. You have survived so much, and are making new ways for yourself- there is a lot of strength in you.

  • 5. Mark  |  September 23, 2018 at 8:38 am

    LT,
    You are not “Shit”, far from it. But remember even “shit” is the starting point of valuable and beautiful. Ask any master gardener, that which is rejected by others becomes the foundation for a great garden, beautiful flowers, and abundant fruit. Shit, weeds, dead leaves, lawn waste all can become the soil and fertilizer of something great.

    Clinical caring and personal caring are different, that does not mean she doesn’t have both. Besides look how many care here for you not clinically, but just out of love! You have issues, who doesn’t? You come from a crappy past, but that can be the soil and fertilizer that grows you to new heights and may yield abundant fruit. Stop looking down at the dirt below and look up to the space you are growing into. The sun is out and shining for you, and even when it does rain, that will contribute to you growth.

    Your past was largely imposed on you, your future is yours to grow. Be the master gardener, prune what needs pruning, trellis what needs additional support, but ultimately grow, and be fruitful. You are blooming, continue to bloom. From the crap and dirt of your past a beautiful flower has formed, and we here are inspired by its beauty.

  • 6. ritalee8383  |  September 21, 2018 at 8:41 pm

    LT I hope you work things out with Dr. Val.

    I think you’re wonderful. You have a beautiful soul and your scars, brokenness and healing have a story to tell. You tell it in such a raw and delicate way that it separates you from most of humanity. You are a treasure.

    http://www.faena.com/aleph/articles/the-art-of-kintsugi-or-the-beauty-of-scars/

  • 7. jamz9999  |  September 21, 2018 at 3:23 pm

    I’m sorry that you are struggling. Please know that you have touched many peoples lives with your writing and your honesty. You have helped me to be a better foster/adoptive dad. You have helped my daughter because of that. Thank you, LT.

  • 8. Laura VanderPloeg Harris  |  September 21, 2018 at 8:54 am

    Hey LT, This is Bikelaura–No hiding behind a pseudo-pseudonym anymore. 😉 I am who I am. An you no longer have to be what happened to you. You have had a LOT of sandpaper people in your life, rubbing you the wrong way, abrasive and abusive. Because of all of those horrible times, you are the precious caring person you are today. You are not remotely copying those evil people and how they chose to travel through this world. You love your pets better than me (and that is hard because I really love my pets). Each day can be whatever you want to make it. Yes, Dr. Val is doing her job even from far away and teaching you boundaries with certain people and how to separate. It sucks to feel alone, but you are not alone. Remember that you have loves depending on you and customers that appreciate your skill everytime they sink their teeth into one of your baking creations. You are appreciated and loved (and highly polished by sandpaper people) {{hug}} and I am praying for you and all the others in my life who are deeply sad right now. All of you are so valuable!

  • 9. Jude  |  September 21, 2018 at 8:38 am

    Hang in there LT. Don’t let the system or Dr Val define you. Be whoever you want to be. XX

  • 10. Ashana M  |  September 21, 2018 at 8:29 am

    I think it’s more likely telling you that you were a piece of shit made various people feel powerful in the moment and that it wasn’t about truth but about fending off negative feelings which are part of everyday life.

  • 11. wendy smith  |  September 21, 2018 at 1:54 am

    Hi LT,
    It is not surprising that you feel like a piece of shit because that is how you were treated for many years. That does not mean you are a piece of shit! It means the people taking care of you were shit!!
    Dr Val is in a very difficult position. There are many rules in her profession. Rules to ensure the client’s safety and her own. One of those rules is that she needs to be truthful. Everything she has told you about who you are and how she feels about you is true. But she can’t be your friend or parent in the normal sense of the word.
    It is understandable that you would defend yourself against painful feelings by pushing her away or trying to ‘rubbish’ all the work you did together, but that will not be helpful to you. She means so much to you and you to her.
    Because it is a clinical relationship and not a day-to-day one, you need to work on keeping her with you in your heart and mind. Remembering all the things she said and how she made you feel. Those feelings and memories are yours to keep. Like belongings that nobody can take from you. Don’t throw them away yourself. Hold onto them and use them to comfort yourself.
    You are worthy of love and good things.
    Wendy x

  • 12. Foster Mom in Training  |  September 20, 2018 at 11:06 pm

    I’m sorry you are struggling right now. You’re not a piece of poo. (((Hugs)))

  • 13. Kathy  |  September 20, 2018 at 9:47 pm

    LT, I’ve been following your blog for quite a while . . . since way before you lost Moonlight, though I’m not sure I’ve ever commented before. I was really concerned when you disappeared for a long time, and was very glad when you resurfaced.

    I have really appreciated your honesty and observations. I “follow” many blogs, but yours is one of my favorites, and I always read it as soon as it pops up in my email inbox! (I followed and read every link in your post earlier today!)

    You are important to me, and I’m not saying that to be “clinically correct.” I’m not a foster parent, but I have learned a lot from your blog, and have mentioned it to others.

    Pattly because of what I have learned from you, the ladies in our church have just started working with IMVO.org, to try to help (at least some of) the children in our county who are removed from their bio homes and put into foster care.

    IMVO recommends using duffel bags (a sack with a drawstring at the top) for the quilts we make for the children. After reading your post about garbage bags recently, I’m going to try to come up with a pattern for a bag that looks more like a suitcase — one with a zipper across the top, and strap handles. I don’t know how that will fly with IMVO, but I want to push it as a better alternative than the bags they currently use.

    I’ve often wished I could sit down and talk with you personally, but I suspect you live far from where I live just east of Chattanooga, TN. (And you never did tell us what became of your encounters with the foster mom at the park!)

    Keep up your courage . . . You ARE important!

  • 14. Steph  |  September 20, 2018 at 9:13 pm

    Hey! Stop talking about LT like that! I know you wouldn’t say those things to another person so don’t say them to yourself. When you say those mean things, you’re lying to yourself! I know this because I read your blog. I know this because, through your story, I’ve become a foster parent and one of my boys the other day said he didn’t know where he’d be right now if we hadn’t said yes. YOU get to share that credit.
    You are awesome. You’ve been through it all and you’re still standing. You are growing and moving forward. You have inspired many. Tonight, reflect on the progress, reflect on your hard work, reflect on the comments and emails that people have shared with you. You are infinitely important.

  • 15. HerdingChickens  |  September 20, 2018 at 9:09 pm

    For whatever reason your posts are not showing up in my feed. I’m sorry I’ve missed the last few! It’s really terrible that this has been your experience in the foster care system. I’m so sorry.

  • 16. teresaaorth  |  September 20, 2018 at 9:04 pm

    You and your comments on your blog have been gift to me. I’m so sorry you are suffering. Thank you for being unapologetically you. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story. I know that may not be much from a stranger. Your words have touched my life. Thank you for the gift of being you.

  • 17. jnkmailacc  |  September 20, 2018 at 8:54 pm

    Why do you find ways to torture yourself? You try to interpret her words in the worst way possible. You must see why therapists can’t bring home every patient they like? I have been reading a while and I can tell you’re awesome. She’s telling you the truth. Appreciate her for it. Have you ever considered AA? They even have one for overeaters anon. You could get a sponsor, maybe meet some others who aren’t perfect but are still awesome. I’ve always met great friends there at OA.

  • 18. momma2abby  |  September 20, 2018 at 8:37 pm

    I’m sorry to hear you so down. Lot’s of time I think people try to think back on what could of been better that would make a bad past memory better. Like if you could figure it out it would make be easier to have the memory. The kiddo is going through a period of wondering ‘why me?’ which is a lot of ways is kind of the same. If I could understand what I did wrong– then of course you’d know what you’d need to fix– and somehow the memory would be easier to have. I used to do this all the time regarding my first marriage which was crazy all the way through and there was some violence at the end. I used to put myself down for not having the perfect response for the crazyness and abuse. Like if I wouldn’t have been rude when he was belittling me.Then one day I realized that I could not have been perfect in such an imperfect situation. Truth be told, I never would have been perfect because I am human. It’s just not possible. And the only answer to my kiddo’s why me question is that she was hurt because it was easier for her bad guys to hurt a kiddo. She was so vulnerable and so easy to manipulate. Certainly not strong enough to really fight back. So young that she wouldn’t have had enough power to escape.

    So no, you weren’t a piece of shit then or now. It happened. I am so very, very sorry that it did.

  • 19. Sheila McCarthy  |  September 20, 2018 at 8:32 pm

    LT, I just want to say that you’re so f’n cool, and worthy of care. Therapists can’t be your friend, but if they’re skilled, they reflect back your own goodness to you, which feels really good. Have you found any clubs or organizations to get involved with in your new city? That will help you make friends, and then you can both reflect the goodness you see in each other, and there’s no exchange of money.

  • 20. LeftyChrist  |  September 20, 2018 at 8:13 pm

    It’s not all or nothing.Therapists don’t have to keep seeing clients that really irritate them or upset them. They will refer the client to someone else.
    On the other hand, yes, it is true that therapists must stay somewhat aloof, in order to keep themselves from losing their minds every time their patient is really needy, or very complex. They have to analyze and that means taking a step back.
    And, if it is helpful to you, they don’t have to tell you they like you either. The only job they have is to help you see something about yourself and help you work through it.
    So if Dr. Val has been saying encouraging things to you, affirming you and helping you feel better about yourself, that is not a trick. Dr. Val is focused on _your_ well being, and will not tell you something false to prop you up now, just to have the legs kicked out from under you later. Their job is to help you make lasting change, and telling you a lie would defeat the long term purpose of therapy.

  • 21. NAPW  |  September 20, 2018 at 8:07 pm

    Please — know that It’s not true. It’s not true of you or of any other foster child, former foster child, or any child or anyone! You are a valuable person, a human worthy of compassion, and love, and caring, just for being yourself. I understand that this is really hard to believe, and you have been told otherwise so many times. But you are somebody, you are special, and have have value in this world.

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I know that means you can’t take my writing without my permission. If you do, something can happen.
Plus, that is just a real shitty thing to do — take someone’s thoughts — so don’t do it!

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Peace.

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